nubeginning

Hello, I am a new to recovery and not sure how this works, or where to start. I started doing drugs about fifteen years ago, starting with pot. Two years later I was introduced to ecstasy. Then quickly followed mushrooms, coke, and anything else I could ingest to go places. But it was meth that finally took me down. It was my drug of choice and nothing else mattered. Everything I did was with one goal in mind. To get high. So I became a functioning meth addict and for the better part of a decade I was able to fool everyone. Family, friends, and myself most of all. Four years since the last time and I haven't looked back. I slipped and started doing coke but I've been clean for six months now and been feeling amazing. It's still an irritating itch but only because I still smoke weed. And that my biggest problem now. It was a real crutch for me when I was getting off meth, a real life saver, but lately it's been feeling like a burden. I recently failed a drug test that would have landed me a pretty amazing job, a life changing job, and all because I can't stop smoking weed. I feel silly asking for help for my marijuana addiction, but I don't know what else to do. I can't go a day without it. I don't smoke at work but I look forward to it all day long and being high seems to be the only time I'm really relaxed and comfortable. I'm just afraid of having that crutch taken away and realizing I have nothing else. I have been self medicating for so long, how can I go on without it?

Dee74

I smoked pot for 30 years, daily.

There's nothing silly about being addicted to it or for asking to help to get off it.

I had to get rid of all my pot and all my paraphenalia - I had to stop hanging around certain people.

I had to change my routine - I think looking for support is vital too.

It was not a pleasant few weeks, but I made it.
I know you can too - once you decide to go for it

What have you tried to help you quit up til now?

D

Hevyn

Welcome to SR nubeginning - we're happy to have you with us.

I'm so glad you are reaching out to make this big change in your life. I let alcohol rule me for decades - in the end, I was completely dependent on it. It's a horrible feeling. I hope you'll find the support & help you need here.

least

I'm glad you found us and joined the family!

nubeginning

Thank you Dee74 and Hevyn, I really appreciate it. It feels good to have somebody acknowledge and sympathize with me. My family loves me a lot but I just can't go to them for support. By the time I stopped doing meth, I had lost pretty much all of my friends. The friends that forgave me and welcomed me back, well it just wasn't the same. Not that I expected things to go back to the way they were but something about it felt tainted and I found myself avoiding anybody who saw me during those bad times. It's really hard being around people that I hurt, even if they have forgiven me. And the truth is I didn't really lose anything. The truth is I walked away from all of my friends and family. I turned my back to them and went on living out my life through a glass pipe and some shards of crystal. I have been clean now for four years this July and I still live in fear everyday. Severe social anxieties keep me from going out with the new friends that I have made since sobriety. I go to work, I come home, and I do nothing else. I very rarely go out and when I do it is very brief. I always have excuses rehearsed and ready to go, anything to get me back home where I feel safe. All I do is sit in front of my television or computer until it's time to go to work again. Weed is the only thing keeping me from really facing the complete **** mess that I made of my life. I feel uninspired and emotionally deflated and it sucks!

To be honest my previous attempts at quitting weed have been weak at best. I get rid of my paraphernalia only to buy more at the corner store. I distance myself from my source only to give in later. If I come home from work after a bad day, I fold like a cheap suit and I'm feeling good a short while after. Complete with an excuse I tell myself to cancel out the guilt I feel for not being strong enough to say no. And my excuses are pretty convincing. I just don't want to end up like so many people I know. Wasted life and wasted dreams. I feel like if I could just give up smoking weed, I could do anything. In all honesty, sometimes I think it was easier giving up meth than it's going to be giving up weed. I never hated myself for being a pothead the way I did with other drugs. I loathed my addictions to meth and coke. I think that self-hatred I felt even gave me more clarity when I decided to quit. I have a love/hate relationship with weed that makes me a little sad knowing that the time has come to say goodbye. I have to do this though. I need to do this.

Thanks again

fantail

Well you know you're tough, so that part you've got handled. You wouldn't have gotten out of meth if you weren't strong.

What you may need now is some new knowledge... How to cope with and enjoy life without altering your mind. Have you thought about seeing an addictions counselor? Mine's been a great help to me. I've also benefitted a lot from daily exercise, as trite as that sounds. It really helps level out my anxiety.

Dee74

Here are some workbooks and other links...some of them are basic, but they may help at least focus your thoughts?

MARIJUANA – A Guide to Quitting
https://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/...from-marijuana
Quitting Marijuana a 30 Day Self Help Guide // OADE // University of Notre Dame

D

trikyriky

Hello , I feel for you. I have been addicted to coke for going on 30 years. I started out as a recreational user but somewhere I crossed the line. I'm an addict. I continued to use even when it brought negative , destruction in my life. I'm a work a progress. I owe my progress to SR and all the helpful people here so stick around my friend.

Mountainmanbob

Nighthawk8820

Do you think maybe you are scared of quitting weed because to you, its your last and final crutch and only way to get a little buzz? If you were to stop, then you would be completely clean and you have relied on chemical help for so long, the idea may seem terrifying. Its obvious you gave great strength inside you, with the drugs you have already kicked, so ask yourself why the weed is so scary for you to let go of. I think its the idea of being 100% clean without the weed to fall back on that is keeping it in your life, because like I said, determination and strength are traits you have proven you have inside you. Great post, and welcome to the forum.


P.S also, I normally wouldnt worry to much about someone smoking weed, but for someone who has a past with drugs, I fear it could become a gateway drug to the more serious ones, so I would keep my guard up with that.

nubeginning

Thank you Fantail. I'm really trying to shift my thinking toward the positive but I've always seen my becoming an addict as a sign of weakness. Where so many other normal people never fell in the first place, I took a huge dive straight into a bottomless pit. I feel broken. As if I came off the assembly line with a defect that got missed and I'm trying to pass myself off as a quality part. When I'm around people that don't know about my past, I feel fake. And when I tell people about myself I feel awkward and obvious and uncomfortable. I have to say thanks to all who have responded to my posts so quickly. I can feel your words slowly seeping in but I am still crazy scared. Not because I'll be drug free but because of what that new void will mean. Has to be filled with something right?

nubeginning

I remember when I first started using meth and coke I thought, what the hell are people talking about when they say these drugs ruin lives". I have a job, an amazing girlfriend who shares in my indulgences, and I don't need anything or anybody who doesn't agree with me, or would judge me for my choices. I shunned everybody. And as the years bled into each other they grew further and further away until they were just a phone number I stumbled across in my phone, quickly deleted because after all, what's the point?

That's probably been the worst part about my recovery. The fond memories I have during my high times, as I call it. And even though I was physically present during those moments, I wasn't really there. Like watching the event live through a video monitor from somewhere far away. You're witnessing the present but something is definitely missing. My mom passed and I was high. I was high when I visited her in the hospital. I was high when she passed and I was high at her funeral. Playing the part of the sad caring son who couldn't even shed a single tear for his own mother because the drugs had dulled my emotions to almost nothing. I'm still waiting for that one to really hit me. My mom was awesome too. She was far from perfect and I'm still working out my personal issues with her, but she was pretty awesome.

trikyriky

Quitting drugs is kin to losing your best friend but your best friend wouldn't keep hitting you over the head with a club. I was high when my grandmother passed , so sad. She meant the world to me

nubeginning

You're absolutely right Nighthawk, I am terrified of losing that crutch. Drugs have been such a big part of my life for so long that I don't know what I was trying to escape in the first place. I can't get a real sense of the why. And so I'm afraid I will just replace weed with something else. For example, except for a short period in college, I have never been a drinker. It's the least attractive choice of any drug I could use. In fact even when I couldn't score what I wanted, I'd never turn to booze just so I could be wasted. It's always been a point of personal pride with me that in a family with so many alcoholics, I never turned to the bottle like my old man.
Both my parents were alcoholics. My father was much more obvious about it but they both loved to drink. Basically my father did bad things and my mom looked the other way. When it did finally come out years later, after an incident occurred, I called the cops and he went to jail. When he got out my mom did her best to get things back to normal but after she died, he went straight down hill. I only bring this up because of this: My number one, absolute greatest fear of all time, is becoming my father. Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, literally or figuratively, I see him. He's introverted and so am I. Withdrawn, shy, loner. Both of us addicts. The weight of this fear is crushing and I'm afraid it's turning me into what I fear most. Save one important difference. He's never admitted to having a problem and, to this date, has never shown any desire to change or get help. I'm just going to take it day by day. This forum is pretty great. Thanks again Nighthawk