Where to turn?
 

I choose this username because that's how I feel right now. I'm trying to find a shovel but every time I dig a deeper hole instead of a way out.
I've been in and out of recovery and treatment for alcoholism and cocaine addiction for many years. I've tried AA, NA, treatment facilities, CBT, addiction therapy...you name it and I've probably tried it. Each time (when I've not walked out) it has worked for a couple of weeks or maybe months and then something just snaps in my brain. It's not so much that something terrible or stressful happens to trigger a relapse, often I don't know why at all. Perhaps I get too comfortable or just bored. It's so easy f'ing up, easier than living.
At the same time, I hate living this life and seeing, knowing, or just sensing the disappointment from my friends and family. Addiction has consumed my identity and those who aren't always on my back about things have accepted I'll always be this way. That's even more depressing: knowing they've given up on me. Tbh, I'm surprised any of them have stuck around as I'm not a nice person to be with at times. Then, of course, it sets off that vicious circle of using/drinking to cope with the embarrassment of what I've done whilst using/drinking.
It's pathetic; my whole life right now. It's the same day-in-day-out, the same regrets, the same promises to myself and others. All the time I'm getting nowhere and the thought of making any plans or decisions quickly gets replaced with whatever is in my bloodstream.
Logically, one would think this level of loathing for what I do would spur me into some kind of action. No. Sometimes I get inspired, ironically, when I'm high and write down all my plans and become convinced it will be different this time. It all fades away to nothingness in the morning.

Where do I go from here? What do I do? I feel like I've run out of options and burnt all my bridges. Everything I do seems only to make matter worse. When I go to meetings or therapy all that happens is a neon sign is lit up in my head flashing 'DRINK DRINK DRINK' and when I've deleted dealers numbers from my phone I've ended up scoring in some very unsafe places. It's as if I'm cursed or, at the very least, a master of self-sabotage.

Advice?

:welcome You turned to a good place here! Lots of people with stories like yours. Now is as good of a time to quit as any. Turn the page now and start a new story of your life. That's what I did, and the cycle has ended. Try just commiting to one hour at a time. Keep coming here, read and post when you feel like it. :You_Rock_:

Welcome SnowedUnder :)

For me I had to commit absolutely to not drinking or getting high again.

I had to accept, unequivocally, that approach had failed for me, and the solution therefore had to be something else.

That's the bedrock of this thing - in my opinion, whatever support you use is just that - support to help you keep that core commitment.

Stick around - I found SR was really great for support - it also helped me work out a few conflicts in my head, and helped me decide I really did what to get sober - whatever it took :)

D

Change your thinking. Right now you think that your sobriety will not last. You think you will fail. What I know is that recovery takes a lot of work and a lot of motivation. You need to believe that you can and will succeed. You need to not allow yourself to get too comfortable or bored. Those are changes you can make in your daily life.

Have you read "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tollee?

Thank you for replying.

I have to say that I am not sober currently and have got myself to the stage where I'm not sure I could detox without medical help. I have been through the DTs in detox now four times and it gets worse each time, to the point where I get the shakes after one day of heavy drinking. I'm trying to keep a 'maintenance' level in me until I make some decisions.
I am trying to cut down on the blow and went over 24 hours without using the other day. I couldn't sleep though because I was so twitchy and ended up drinking more than usual to calm down. That's not an excuse, it's just what happened.

I know that is a big problem for me and I've tried to overcome it with CBT but it has only worked temporarily. I'm actually doing a CBT course online at the moment and find myself scoffing at what it says and finding it all a little ridiculous. Really, I do want to take it seriously and try mentally slapping myself and focusing so I don't know what's wrong with me?

I appreciate you all replying, I'm probably going to use this place primarily to work out the conflicts in my head. I know I'm the only one standing in the way of my recovery.

I didn't "try" AA, I committed to it. Like it says in HOW IT WORKS "Half measures availed us nothing" and "We asked His protection and care with complete abandon."

Get a Home Group and a Sponsor and do what the oldtimers did to get/stay sober.

All the best.

Bob R

How did you find the strength to keep at it?
Did AA automatically 'click' for you or did you ever struggle a lot with it? What made you stay?

As has been said, you don't have to do this to yourself. Make some changes in your life and believe that you can do this. Don't make your negative thoughts come true. Make the positive ones the outcome here.:)

Just had to post snow.... You have started the dialogue.... Keep coming back, we are all in the same boat and sharing will bring us safely to shore xx

I asked God for the strength, I went to meetings regularly.

Sure I struggled. Alcoholism is a living thing and doesn't want to die. I have a daily reprieve, not a "cure". This isn't a cake walk. It's work.

I came to AA in 1989 with a gun to my head and it was all I could do to not pull the trigger. I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK THERE !! That's why I stay.

All the best.

Bob R

I want to welcome you too Snowed. I hope being here will help you feel less anxious and give you hope.

I know just how you feel - been there many times. When I found SR I was drinking all day, every day. I couldn't imagine a way out. I started to read and post here, and before long I decided I wanted what the people here had - freedom. I had to admit drinking wasn't doing a thing for me - it was no longer fun or relaxing or a way to cope. The good times I once had with it were many years ago - and they were never coming back. Somehow I'd gone from social drinking to alcoholic drinking. It had become a necessity. Alcohol wanted me dead. I wasn't ready to give up on life. Something was different the last time. I made it. (5 yrs. 5 mos.) You can too, Snowed. Let's give this another try.

did u ever get a sponsor in aa and work the steps?

I wish I was a believer and could ask God for strength. Finding a Higher Power has been difficult and I must admit a large part of me fails to understand why a HP would be necessary.

I do know I want to live a better and more productive life, I'd like it all to have not been meaningless and negative. Every day, even in small ways, I'm harming someone else. I was meant to go to the fair with my family today but I'm too tired and worried about the little ones seeing me drunk. They really wanted to see me and I've let them down. Again.

It's hard to find the motivation to take even the most basic steps towards recovery. I'm great at gathering resources and making plans but when it comes to the actual work all I can think is "What's the f'ing point?"
I'm on medication for depression (bipolar disorder) and it keeps me from wanting to end it all but the side effects make me sluggish/sleepy and spend each day just 'existing'.
Where do I find my motivation? I know I don't want to live like this but it doesn't seem enough. Three years ago I hit my 'bottom' and the closest thing I can find to motivation is the determination not to end up in that situation again. I'm probably heading there again some time in the future and kidding myself it will be different but getting up in the morning, showering, shaving, eating etc. at least feels like some level of accomplishment.

I do wonder if I'll ever completely despise getting drunk or high. It doesn't do much for me 9 times out of 10 but that ONE time it works makes my stupid old brain think it's worth 90%+ of my life being s**t. If it were possible for me to hate alcohol purely and completely then I think I would've hit that point now, being 41 and in this situation for over 20 years.
Is it possible to recover when there is still some allure to your DoCs? A lot of people have told me 'no' and if that's the case then I'm royally screwed unless I can find a way to hates those one days out of ten?

I've worked the steps, usually I get stuck around 4 - the furthest I made it was 6.
I've had four sponsors but screwed it up each time or just not got on with them (or got on TOO well, if you know what I mean). I'm not sure I was ever committed and probably zoned in on people I knew wouldn't be a good match. I have done some appalling things to sponsors and other group members in the past e.g begged them to get me booze when I was detoxing, arriving at their family dinners drunk with a bottle as a 'gift'. I deliberately picked meetings as far away from where I live so as no one would recognise me and now they're getting closer to home because I've burnt so many bridges. I'm THAT a**hole who put a brick through the church window after police 'escourting' me from a meeting. I can barely show my face at these things any more.
All I want to do is just drink and try to forget these things because I'm crap and it's easier than making amends.

I know what you mean - it's the one time out of 10 that keeps us hooked. I lived that way for a long time - trying everything to control what I drank so I wouldn't have to give it up. The result was awful. I trashed every area of my life. I hope it won't have to come to that for you - you already see where this is headed. I had to come close to losing everything before I finally admitted I couldn't touch it ever again.

I think it is possible to recover even when there's still some allure. You just have to finally admit that it's not going to take you where you need to go - ever. I'm a good bit older than you. In my 40's I was still determined to make it work somehow. I wish I'd admitted I was struggling, like you are. There can be a happy ending here Snowed.

Welcome! Using is no longer a choice. Sobriety becomes a way of life. As many posted here.

Addiction is a powerful illness...one that I can not recover from alone.

I don't take the view anymore, I had, that a program or rehab "worked for me." I had to go beyond attending meetings or classes, and start helping another person who wants to recover, and in choosing AA I had to work the steps.

I'm on anti-depressants...I can't say they work for me if I'm not eating right, sleeping good, getting exercise, sharing with other people with depression...etc...

I just can't show up at AA and expect sobriety, and when I relapse think, "well AA hasn't worked for me, so I'll try something else maybe another rehab...well that didn't work for me so I'll just drink and use...I am hopeless..."

And also I really can't say rehabs, AA, NA, worked for me if I merely put down the drug and only attended meetings or classes.

Sobriety and clean time is hard work...but makes living so much simpler.

Putting down the drink and detoxing...seek medical help....I have many times and many of us have...again we are dealing with a serious illness that can cause major medical problems.
Best to you...you can recover just like anyone else can

Well for one thing, AA does not require you to believe in God. They speak of a power greater than yourself. Why is that? Well obviously I couldn't stop, moderate , control by myself, no matter how hard I tried.

I of my own power did not have an answer to my problem. But AA did. Here was a group of people who had found an answer to their drink problem and were living reasonably happy lives. So AA is a higher power for many.

I can choose any power as long as it is not me. That didn't work and I proved it again and again. Together in AA I was able to do what I could not do alone.

That is why SR works for a lot of people too. Because we are using a power that was greater than what we were using. The strength and encouragement of others. The experience of those who have been there and found a way out.

I was pretty desperate when I came back this time, my way does not work. Is your way working?

I had to trash all my preconceived ideas about AA and give it a college try. Not a week, not 2 weeks, not a month.

I took their suggestions. You know why they are so repetitous? Cuz if you take them they work time and time again. That is why The Big Book says
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Simple suggestions- meetings, a sponsor(someone to guide you through the steps, service work(gets us out of self obsession).

Pain is a great motivator, perhaps when you are in enough emotional pain you will be willing to do whatever it takes. I wish I had not waited so long.

None of this information is new or my own. Historically it has worked for millions since AA started in 1935. AA states that its "primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety"

Not to tell you what God or higher power to believe in. That is strictly up to you.