Is it me or my wife who has problem
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
my husband is allergic to cats. I like cats. we don't have any.
my husband HATES peas. I like peas. we don't have them for dinner.
it causes me no great problems to have neither cats or peas.
your wife has issues with your drinking. you like to drink. it causes problems.
my husband HATES peas. I like peas. we don't have them for dinner.
it causes me no great problems to have neither cats or peas.
your wife has issues with your drinking. you like to drink. it causes problems.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 192
I am confused. You already believe you are not an alcoholic. Why would you ask others if we believe you are one? (And even if we said yes you would probably not agree anyway.). Are you posting so that we will just agree with you and then you can show your wife our responses?
I am not trying to be difficult...just feeling like dealing directly with your wife on this issue ( perhaps with the help of a relationship counselor.) would be best.
Make sense?
I am not trying to be difficult...just feeling like dealing directly with your wife on this issue ( perhaps with the help of a relationship counselor.) would be best.
Make sense?
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 224
Questioner: here is my thoughts on the subject:
Only you know if you have a problem with alcohol. I'm not sure for myself, but I'm slowly learning that I likely do. In regards to your wife, I kind of live by a mantra of "they'll get over it". My wife pisses me off some times and and I **** her off too. Sometimes I want to go fishing or hunting and the wife will give me **** (most of the time she encourages it as stress release)...I still go...I'm a man..I respect her, but I've worked too hard in my life to bow to all of her desires, especially if they are irrational or unfounded. She'll get mad, but she'll get over it.
IF YOU DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL, you need to man up and let her know its not hurting you or her and you need to blow off some steam sometimes...a guy has to be a guy sometimes. My wife has never said a word about my drinking, but my mother used to always give my dad **** (hiding cans...counting consumption, of course he had a problem).
Maybe though you aren't being entirely truthful with us or yourself...
Only you know if you have a problem with alcohol. I'm not sure for myself, but I'm slowly learning that I likely do. In regards to your wife, I kind of live by a mantra of "they'll get over it". My wife pisses me off some times and and I **** her off too. Sometimes I want to go fishing or hunting and the wife will give me **** (most of the time she encourages it as stress release)...I still go...I'm a man..I respect her, but I've worked too hard in my life to bow to all of her desires, especially if they are irrational or unfounded. She'll get mad, but she'll get over it.
IF YOU DONT HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ALCOHOL, you need to man up and let her know its not hurting you or her and you need to blow off some steam sometimes...a guy has to be a guy sometimes. My wife has never said a word about my drinking, but my mother used to always give my dad **** (hiding cans...counting consumption, of course he had a problem).
Maybe though you aren't being entirely truthful with us or yourself...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 73
Questioner,
I've recently broken off relationship with exabf. Spent 7 years having the kinds of conversations with him that you are describing having with your wife. One of the signs of having an issue with alcohol is if your relationships are negatively effected by it. My question for my ex use to always be, if he is doing something that is causing our relatioinship distress and if it is not that big of an issue for him, then why just NOT do it. I know we are not to give advice here, so just sharing my story. We ended up down a bad road b/c he refused to deal with the issue head on and I refused to continue to live that way. Everyone here really tries to help not only those who possibly have issue with alcohol but also those of us whose lives have been effected from being in relationships with those who have issues with alcohol. Your story just sounds very familiar so I don't think its an accident you are on this site. Maybe you and your wife BOTH use the site to learn and start a conversation between the two of you? Just a suggestion...
I've recently broken off relationship with exabf. Spent 7 years having the kinds of conversations with him that you are describing having with your wife. One of the signs of having an issue with alcohol is if your relationships are negatively effected by it. My question for my ex use to always be, if he is doing something that is causing our relatioinship distress and if it is not that big of an issue for him, then why just NOT do it. I know we are not to give advice here, so just sharing my story. We ended up down a bad road b/c he refused to deal with the issue head on and I refused to continue to live that way. Everyone here really tries to help not only those who possibly have issue with alcohol but also those of us whose lives have been effected from being in relationships with those who have issues with alcohol. Your story just sounds very familiar so I don't think its an accident you are on this site. Maybe you and your wife BOTH use the site to learn and start a conversation between the two of you? Just a suggestion...
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 224
Boon, I agree with you to some extent but just because alcohol causes a rift between family members does not mean the user necessarily has a problem. What if husband is a Muslim or a person wholly abstains or just hates when people drink and wife likes to have a beer every now and then? There'd be a rift, but that doesn't mean there is an alcohol problem.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
why do you have to lie about it?
yer wife just may have an alcohol problem, but it may not be her consumption, and IMO, since ya seem to be adamant on provin yer not an alcoholic, you just may have a problem with alcohol?
why do you feel you have to drink?
why do you feel you have to prove anything?
yer wife just may have an alcohol problem, but it may not be her consumption, and IMO, since ya seem to be adamant on provin yer not an alcoholic, you just may have a problem with alcohol?
why do you feel you have to drink?
why do you feel you have to prove anything?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 19
Hi savings elf. I am here because I want honest answers. If my alcohol consumption as detailed in post one is alcoholic level, then I will accept that and deal with it. I believe it's not but if majority say it is then so be it. As regards occasional blow out once or twice a week. I do not drink full bottle of red on Friday and Sat, every week For example. This weeks consumption, was nothing Sunday to thur. Friday. Pint on way home after work, then bottle of beer. Followed by argument about how much alcohol consumption at lunchtime. Tonight a bottle of wychwood fruit beer. As I say I genuinely want to know if this is problem drinking. If so then so be it
My wife barely drinks. I do not have to prove anything as such, just want advice as to if my drinking is excessive and dangerous levels. I lie because telling my wife I had a pint on the way home causes argument.
My wife barely drinks. I do not have to prove anything as such, just want advice as to if my drinking is excessive and dangerous levels. I lie because telling my wife I had a pint on the way home causes argument.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 94
I think only you can know for sure if you have a problem with alcohol. If you can look yourself in the mirror and honestly tell yourself you're ok them it's time for professional counseling with your wife to get to the root of why she's so sensitive about drinkjng. Does she come from a family where addiction was a problem? Did she have an alcoholic ex? Is this just about control and doesn't really have anything to do with alcohol? I think in this situation that's your best answer. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
My thoughts from this thread...
1. It does not matter how much you drink. The amount does not qualify you as an alcoholic. There is no cut off point for going into problem drinking. It is what happens when you drink. If you drink one bottle of beer every month, but black out, cause a fight, then get arrested, that would be problem drinking.
2. Has your wife had any family members/close friends/loved ones experience drink problems? Could she be super, super sensitive to any tiny action or behaviour that is considered a trait of alcoholics and she is focused on this because of the past? Has she been hurt or let down by an addict before and she is scared you may hurt her too?
I do understand your argument.
I also think that there are lots of misconceptions about alcoholics and it might be that you and your wife both have them.
You in that you feel an alcoholic is only defined by the amount they drink.
Your wife in that hiding empty booze bottles defines an alcoholic.
Why not read around here.
Try to understand addiction from all sides?
You have nothing to loose do you? Everything to gain, a happier marriage, better knowledge of addiction, improved communication, the way forward?
My best to you
xx
1. It does not matter how much you drink. The amount does not qualify you as an alcoholic. There is no cut off point for going into problem drinking. It is what happens when you drink. If you drink one bottle of beer every month, but black out, cause a fight, then get arrested, that would be problem drinking.
2. Has your wife had any family members/close friends/loved ones experience drink problems? Could she be super, super sensitive to any tiny action or behaviour that is considered a trait of alcoholics and she is focused on this because of the past? Has she been hurt or let down by an addict before and she is scared you may hurt her too?
I do understand your argument.
I also think that there are lots of misconceptions about alcoholics and it might be that you and your wife both have them.
You in that you feel an alcoholic is only defined by the amount they drink.
Your wife in that hiding empty booze bottles defines an alcoholic.
Why not read around here.
Try to understand addiction from all sides?
You have nothing to loose do you? Everything to gain, a happier marriage, better knowledge of addiction, improved communication, the way forward?
My best to you
xx
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
I here not to cause problems with my wife but genuinely wish to know if my drinking is excessive, if so I shall face up to it
Okay, say you don't have an alcohol problem. Why is it so hard to not drink if you know it causes your wife such distress? It is obvious she doesn't want you to drink at all. You are not going to change her mind on that issue. So, it comes down to the question...which is more important to you...drinking or your relationship with your wife?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Questioner 
I here not to cause problems with my wife but genuinely wish to know if my drinking is excessive, if so I shall face up to it
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 224
I drank pretty hard for 10 years, but never drank at lunch. That could be a sign to you. Nonetheless, you're not going to get a yes or no answer here. The answer is in you.
But Suki: if my wife said she didn't want me eating say beef jerky anymore or hunting...and I still wanted to, does that mean I have a problem with beef jerky or hunting? I don't think so. A marriage is about compromise not just doing what the other wants.
But Suki: if my wife said she didn't want me eating say beef jerky anymore or hunting...and I still wanted to, does that mean I have a problem with beef jerky or hunting? I don't think so. A marriage is about compromise not just doing what the other wants.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,898
But Suki: if my wife said she didn't want me eating say beef jerky anymore or hunting...and I still wanted to, does that mean I have a problem with beef jerky or hunting? I don't think so. A marriage is about compromise not just doing what the other wants.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 19
Thank you all for all input. To clarify. I do not fight, blackout, get arrested etc after a drink. My wife had a heavy drinking ex husband, so it could be an issue. Regards me stopping altogether, as i said before my wife does drink occassionaly, but not as often as me. The arguments occur when I hav a drink that she feels I should not have done so. So I will peruse the other threads on the forum and see what is what. I am pleased I came here as I said its NOT automated and I get real people thinking about what I have said, and giving honest answers and that is great.
@scott. I have gone a month without and nothing happened, no withdrawal symptoms, no tremors etc, but I do enjoy the flavour of beers. I have often said to my wife if they made non alcoholic real ale with the great taste and flavours I would be happy drinking them.
@scott. I have gone a month without and nothing happened, no withdrawal symptoms, no tremors etc, but I do enjoy the flavour of beers. I have often said to my wife if they made non alcoholic real ale with the great taste and flavours I would be happy drinking them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Yes, drinking 8 or 9 pints or a whole bottle of wine in one night IS excessive. (Would you drink that much water or cola in one night?)
Alcoholics do not necessarily drink every day or even every week. But when they do drink, they cannot stop at one or two, but feel compelled to drink a large amount.
That is why alcoholics tend to lie about how much they drink. That is the only control they have over their alcohol consumption!
Alcoholics do not necessarily drink every day or even every week. But when they do drink, they cannot stop at one or two, but feel compelled to drink a large amount.
That is why alcoholics tend to lie about how much they drink. That is the only control they have over their alcohol consumption!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 19
@miami. I appreciate your points, that is why i came onto this forum. I appreciate alcoholics lie and that it was not necessarily aimed at me but that is why see no point in not lying about my consumption, how can people advise me if i lie. That is the sum total of my consumption and an accurate description of my drinking habits. Regards the 8pints of cola. Yes very probably if you go on a night out, and are drinking soft drinks all night, you probably would consume that much cola or equivalents.
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