is 2 bottles of wine a night a lot ?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The Emerald City
Posts: 434
Congrats on 2 weeks and welcome back! Thank you for writing such a fantastic and lucid post. Your words really resonated with me and is a perfect reminder of why I'm sober now for life. Thank you again, and please continue to share your wonderfully written thoughts. 
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Thank you to all who took the time to say so many kind words. It's comforting to know how truly connected we are and that we share the exact same struggles when we often feel exceptionally alone in this process.
I tried to drive yesterday. I figured with two weeks sober my brain had probably had enough time to dry out and reconnect synapses that were misfiring in the past. Long story longer, fail.
There must be some validity to the theory that each try at sobriety becomes more and more difficult. It's as if our brains are reminding us that its had enough and not to wake the sleeping giant. By this point in my last attempt at sobriety, I was much more mobile. For months I had the taste of freedom that I imagine so many take for granted. I wish I could say I don't know how my brain got here, but truth is, I know full well. My first panic attack occurred 20 years ago, while in college, hungover from God only knows what types of substances. The night before I was out drinking myself into oblivion as most college students do, probably had a few hits off a bong, and a six pack of diet coke with a pack or two of cigarettes. However could this of happened ?
That started this. That single moment. Running from ever having to feel that way again. Sadly, I refused to admit that it was the chemicals that I was ingesting that caused the anxiety. I justified that I was in PTSD (which I was from circumstances that I'm not going to go into now). But suffice it to say that it was a combo of both the emotional issues and the desperate attempt at numbing them that led me here.
So yesterday when my still very sick brain could not yet process that stimulus of the motion of the car, the smell of the exhaust, the flashing lights and cars whizzing by, I realize that there isn't way in hell I should be commandeering a vehicle. And that made me sad. And mad. And of course, I wanted to numb out.
But rather than running, I decided to allow myself to feel it. And I mean really really REALLY feel it. When I got home, I went to my sacred space, closed my eyes and went right into the pain and disappointment. I figured if we have been given this opportunity at life, this gift, then one of the gifts must be our emotions. And we have been given emotions not only because its all supposed to be wine and roses, but when we signed on to be here, we signed on for all of it. Every single morsel of both beauty and ugly. So I went into the pain and decided to see if what I had been running from was going to kill me if I gave myself permission to feel it. Really feel it.
Suffice it to say, it didn't feel joyful. But just because it hurt didn't mean I was going to die either.
I tried.
I tried to drive yesterday. I figured with two weeks sober my brain had probably had enough time to dry out and reconnect synapses that were misfiring in the past. Long story longer, fail.
There must be some validity to the theory that each try at sobriety becomes more and more difficult. It's as if our brains are reminding us that its had enough and not to wake the sleeping giant. By this point in my last attempt at sobriety, I was much more mobile. For months I had the taste of freedom that I imagine so many take for granted. I wish I could say I don't know how my brain got here, but truth is, I know full well. My first panic attack occurred 20 years ago, while in college, hungover from God only knows what types of substances. The night before I was out drinking myself into oblivion as most college students do, probably had a few hits off a bong, and a six pack of diet coke with a pack or two of cigarettes. However could this of happened ?
That started this. That single moment. Running from ever having to feel that way again. Sadly, I refused to admit that it was the chemicals that I was ingesting that caused the anxiety. I justified that I was in PTSD (which I was from circumstances that I'm not going to go into now). But suffice it to say that it was a combo of both the emotional issues and the desperate attempt at numbing them that led me here.
So yesterday when my still very sick brain could not yet process that stimulus of the motion of the car, the smell of the exhaust, the flashing lights and cars whizzing by, I realize that there isn't way in hell I should be commandeering a vehicle. And that made me sad. And mad. And of course, I wanted to numb out.
But rather than running, I decided to allow myself to feel it. And I mean really really REALLY feel it. When I got home, I went to my sacred space, closed my eyes and went right into the pain and disappointment. I figured if we have been given this opportunity at life, this gift, then one of the gifts must be our emotions. And we have been given emotions not only because its all supposed to be wine and roses, but when we signed on to be here, we signed on for all of it. Every single morsel of both beauty and ugly. So I went into the pain and decided to see if what I had been running from was going to kill me if I gave myself permission to feel it. Really feel it.
Suffice it to say, it didn't feel joyful. But just because it hurt didn't mean I was going to die either.
I tried.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 163
Oh my , what a shock to read me without me writing it. Amazing description and I know any many others know this dreadful feeling the day after, hence my day 6 of AF . I couldn't have put it into words like you have so I thank you for reminding me tonight of how dreadful it is to drink. I too had a day from hell two weeks ago, I thought I was going to die, my heart was pounding I felt so ill, I was in my office alone lying on the floor writhing in pain all over, I vowed I would never drink again , but by Wednesday I had a drink just a couple, then Friday lots, On Saturday I laid on the settee all day felt really ill again, same thing heart pounding it felt like I was going to explode. I ached all over , I was all puffy and swollen, I was killing myself.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 96
Great Post! I can totally relate! To me, 2 bottles of chardonnay was nothing!
About 6 years before I finally got and stayed sober I had just started a new job and went in one day feeling very dizzy and antsy...halfway through the morning I started racing around the office like a crazy woman and finally had to step outside...I didn't know it then but I was in the midst of my first major anxiety attack! I thought for sure I was a goner as it progressed. I was having facial spasms, trouble speaking and breathing and my chest was so tight I thought it was going to burst open...finally I called someone from my cell to come and pick me up. I also called work and told them I was leaving for the day and going to the doctor...it was scalding hot outside that day and this office I was working at was far from home! That 45 minutes spent waiting for my ride was the most terrifying experience of my life! I survived it without going to ER but 2 days later I went to the doctor and was introduced to the wonderful world of Xanax...I used that to help me "come down" from my drunks on and off for almost 6 years...
I didn't think anything could be worse than anxiety (especially the times when I was caught with no Xanax on hand) until I graduated from that and my head started flipping out on me. This only happened when I was going through withdrawals and that was a living hell I don't even want to try to describe...my point is if you were to keep drinking, the "head demons" as I call them might be your next stop...thank God it was not permanent mental illness just very severe and hellish withdrawal!
Good luck and keep going!
About 6 years before I finally got and stayed sober I had just started a new job and went in one day feeling very dizzy and antsy...halfway through the morning I started racing around the office like a crazy woman and finally had to step outside...I didn't know it then but I was in the midst of my first major anxiety attack! I thought for sure I was a goner as it progressed. I was having facial spasms, trouble speaking and breathing and my chest was so tight I thought it was going to burst open...finally I called someone from my cell to come and pick me up. I also called work and told them I was leaving for the day and going to the doctor...it was scalding hot outside that day and this office I was working at was far from home! That 45 minutes spent waiting for my ride was the most terrifying experience of my life! I survived it without going to ER but 2 days later I went to the doctor and was introduced to the wonderful world of Xanax...I used that to help me "come down" from my drunks on and off for almost 6 years...
I didn't think anything could be worse than anxiety (especially the times when I was caught with no Xanax on hand) until I graduated from that and my head started flipping out on me. This only happened when I was going through withdrawals and that was a living hell I don't even want to try to describe...my point is if you were to keep drinking, the "head demons" as I call them might be your next stop...thank God it was not permanent mental illness just very severe and hellish withdrawal!
Good luck and keep going!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by alphaomega 
When I finally copped to falling off the wagon, getting run over and dragged by it, I logged in. Shocking to see that almost 2 years have passed since my last log in. Two years. Two years of secrets, buzzes that didn't even please me in any regard any longer, justifying that two bottles of wine wasn't even that much in 4 hours. I kid you not, I really felt that. What scared me almost as much as the hangovers that would render me completely shot the day after drinking, was that after those two bottles of Chardonnay, I would go almost to a place of feeling sober. The first glass or two would buzz me, but as I continued to drink throughout the night, while there would be periods of blackout, I would smoke my last cigarette feelings sober. So downstairs I would head to take a couple of loonnnggggg pulls of the vodka just to be able to get myself to sleep. Pass out.
But then, about five hours later, all hell would break loose. But not just any hell. The seven levels of Hades would descend upon me in varying degrees starting at about 3:00 am.
Shocked and startled awake as I'm quite sure my CNS was borderline getting ready to shut down, I would receive a jolt of adrenaline so jarring I would literally feel like I had just been thrown in ice cold water. My heart would be pounding in my chest like it was begging for something to just settle it down. The thirst was inexplicable. The anxiety. The anxiety brought me to tears more than I care to remember. It's the anxiety that was the final tipping point back to sobriety. I simply could no longer live like that anymore.
As the day would rear its ugly face, I would assess if I was too hungover to go to work. Or if I could drag myself kicking and screaming to the shower which was an experience in and of itself. The panic in the shower would force me to leave the door open to get some air. The the toothbrush and I became fast enemies. Couldn't brush my teeth without gagging or the dry heaves. Sometimes I'd even throw up a little of my coffee. How lovely.
Having to give up driving as a result of hangovers I could not longer handle, I'd get in the car with my husband, put the air on cold, and try to breathe through what was surely my last day on earth. I would get to work and spend the next 7 hours trying really really hard not to pass out, fall over, have a heart attack, stroke, and die. I was always dying. Always. Every minute of every day was my last. And when It got so bad that I would actually start to pray for the end, I would take a Xanax. And after about an hour, my nerves would start to ease up on me.
Fast forward to getting home, no cooking for this momma. And god forbid, no going out to dinner. Those frazzled nerves couldn't bear the crowds, the chairs without arms that I couldn't balance myself in, the smells, the noise, the light. Upstairs I would drag myself, maybe another benzo so I could try to get some sleep and a vow that I would no longer drink. Then I would wake up with all intent to not drink that evening after work and then....well maybe just a glass of chard while I cook dinner. Bottle one done as I put the food on the table. Bottle two through dinner, clean up and relaxing. All the while as I'm drinking I'm thinking, I hate this. I haven't enjoyed a drink for at least a year. It no longer calms me, in fact it starts my heart pounding and my body flushes, and I would drink more and more trying to stop what I had started.
That was 14 days ago.
And grateful doesn't even cut it. On my knees in gratitude and grace and mercy.
Hi again.
But then, about five hours later, all hell would break loose. But not just any hell. The seven levels of Hades would descend upon me in varying degrees starting at about 3:00 am.
Shocked and startled awake as I'm quite sure my CNS was borderline getting ready to shut down, I would receive a jolt of adrenaline so jarring I would literally feel like I had just been thrown in ice cold water. My heart would be pounding in my chest like it was begging for something to just settle it down. The thirst was inexplicable. The anxiety. The anxiety brought me to tears more than I care to remember. It's the anxiety that was the final tipping point back to sobriety. I simply could no longer live like that anymore.
As the day would rear its ugly face, I would assess if I was too hungover to go to work. Or if I could drag myself kicking and screaming to the shower which was an experience in and of itself. The panic in the shower would force me to leave the door open to get some air. The the toothbrush and I became fast enemies. Couldn't brush my teeth without gagging or the dry heaves. Sometimes I'd even throw up a little of my coffee. How lovely.
Having to give up driving as a result of hangovers I could not longer handle, I'd get in the car with my husband, put the air on cold, and try to breathe through what was surely my last day on earth. I would get to work and spend the next 7 hours trying really really hard not to pass out, fall over, have a heart attack, stroke, and die. I was always dying. Always. Every minute of every day was my last. And when It got so bad that I would actually start to pray for the end, I would take a Xanax. And after about an hour, my nerves would start to ease up on me.
Fast forward to getting home, no cooking for this momma. And god forbid, no going out to dinner. Those frazzled nerves couldn't bear the crowds, the chairs without arms that I couldn't balance myself in, the smells, the noise, the light. Upstairs I would drag myself, maybe another benzo so I could try to get some sleep and a vow that I would no longer drink. Then I would wake up with all intent to not drink that evening after work and then....well maybe just a glass of chard while I cook dinner. Bottle one done as I put the food on the table. Bottle two through dinner, clean up and relaxing. All the while as I'm drinking I'm thinking, I hate this. I haven't enjoyed a drink for at least a year. It no longer calms me, in fact it starts my heart pounding and my body flushes, and I would drink more and more trying to stop what I had started.
That was 14 days ago.
And grateful doesn't even cut it. On my knees in gratitude and grace and mercy.
Hi again.
Keep it up.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,166
Alpha, dittoing everyone on your post, your clarity of thought may not extend to driving yet, but you sure can describe the descent into the hell of acknowledging to yourself you are a drunk, but not yet strong enough to deal. Im glad you are clawing your way back. Hiding from emotional hurt is such a common thread through addicts, instead of learning to dal with pain when we are younger and our emotions are flexible and we can bounce back into shape pretty quickly, we now have to deal when we a fragile a Ming vases and still hope to stay in one piece.
Please start a daily blog Alpha, I want to hear what happens next, take good care my friend.
Please start a daily blog Alpha, I want to hear what happens next, take good care my friend.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Susasober - how would you describe those head demons ? After my last drunk, I swear this time it felt different. Not like the typical "disconnect" I would usually be waiting to hit, but almost like "my brain feels sick".
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Hi alpha. I am not really sure what you are talking about but I have seen the term kindling on here. Alcohol withdrawal syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia if you scroll down it explains kindling.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Newport Beach, CA
Posts: 96
Head Demons
They only happened when I stopped drinking and was in withdrawal. When I tried to sleep at night I would close my eyes and creepy, frightening and sometimes violent images would "slide show" through my head. This was when I was wide awake! There were also hallucinations and other freaky experiences too disturbing to try to describe!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Binge drinking is associated with increased impulsivity, impairments in spatial working memory and impaired emotional learning. These adverse effects are believed to be due to the neurotoxic effects of repeated withdrawal from alcohol on aberrant neuronal plasticity and cortical damage. Repeated periods of acute intoxication followed by acute detoxification has profound effects on the brain and is associated with an increased risk of seizures as well as cognitive deficits. The effects on the brain are similar to those seen in alcoholics who have been detoxified multiple times but not as severe as in alcoholics who have no history of prior detox. Thus the acute withdrawal syndrome appears to be the most important factor in causing damage or impairment to brain function. The brain regions most sensitive to harm from binge drinking are the amygdala and prefrontal cortex.[25]
Yowza.
Yowza.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I was almost afraid to post that because I know you said you have anxiety and before you where worried you did something permanent. I would think it's very unlikely you have done any damage that can't be undone. Rabbit holes Alpha. I missed you this week. I always look forward to your posts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: London (-ish)
Posts: 263
I totally get this! The anxiety! The hangovers from hell! The dreaded day of the hangover, and the next day thinking, its ok to have that wine after all! My mind doing silly tricks on me. I never want to drink again! It's got so bad I can hardly get out of bed. And I don't drink much! 2 bottles of wine in the evening, maybe a top up of something extra if I can find it. That's it, its not like I'm drinking vodka all day, but I've had enough of being sick and tired of sick and tired. No more booze for me!
I'd love to hear how you're doing it, and how you get on.
I'm trying AA meetings. I think I'm going to try some counselling and keep myself busy with the gym or something. Somehow I want to find a positive mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well being to try to fix me up.
Good Luck!
Sicknote
I'd love to hear how you're doing it, and how you get on.
I'm trying AA meetings. I think I'm going to try some counselling and keep myself busy with the gym or something. Somehow I want to find a positive mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well being to try to fix me up.
Good Luck!
Sicknote
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by alphaomega
Repeated periods of acute intoxication followed by acute detoxification has profound effects on the brain and is associated with an increased risk of seizures as well as cognitive deficits.
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