A teeny-tiny confession
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by ArcticSA 
So I figured I should post this. If anyone knows/ever read my story you would know that when I quit drinking I said I would not drink until my anniversary and then my husband and I would get drunk.
Well my anniversary,June 2nd, rolled around and I didn't want to get drunk. We went to a restaurant and had to wait 15 minutes,so they sat us at the bar. Hubby had a beer and I said "I wonder if they have Sprite?" Hubby said "why dont you get some wine or something?" So I ordered a glass of "white zin" It was fruity and light and tasty. A thought flitted through my head as I was staring at the rows and rows of liquor, I could start taking shots and noone would stop me. But, alas, the wiser me knew better. I would have to face my baby-sitter drunk, I would be an idiot, what if my toddler got up through the night, the hangover, and the guilt, stopped me.
I made that glass of wine last me over an hour. I sipped water, I ate a huge meal and just took teeny sips of the wine. I knew that if I felt a buzz I would be in the danger zone.
So that was it. We went and had ice cream, went home, and were sleeping by 10pm, lol.
That's my confession. I drank. I controlled it, I moderated. I have no desire to do it again, because it was all so carefully executed it was more like a job to have that wine.
Am I condoning moderation?? Absolutely NOT!!
I had to have an inner heart-to-heart to keep myself from getting shots, and I never would've had that convo if I wasn't at a bar, sipping wine.
I also don't want to have another glass of wine anymore. It was nice for a change to have a glass of wine like a responsible adult, but for me it's kind of like, what's the point, if I'm not trying to get drunk, Id rather have fizzy water.
So I'm glad I got that out of the way, and in fact I feel better now, stronger about my sobriety. I conquered my voice that day.
Well my anniversary,June 2nd, rolled around and I didn't want to get drunk. We went to a restaurant and had to wait 15 minutes,so they sat us at the bar. Hubby had a beer and I said "I wonder if they have Sprite?" Hubby said "why dont you get some wine or something?" So I ordered a glass of "white zin" It was fruity and light and tasty. A thought flitted through my head as I was staring at the rows and rows of liquor, I could start taking shots and noone would stop me. But, alas, the wiser me knew better. I would have to face my baby-sitter drunk, I would be an idiot, what if my toddler got up through the night, the hangover, and the guilt, stopped me.
I made that glass of wine last me over an hour. I sipped water, I ate a huge meal and just took teeny sips of the wine. I knew that if I felt a buzz I would be in the danger zone.
So that was it. We went and had ice cream, went home, and were sleeping by 10pm, lol.
That's my confession. I drank. I controlled it, I moderated. I have no desire to do it again, because it was all so carefully executed it was more like a job to have that wine.
Am I condoning moderation?? Absolutely NOT!!
I had to have an inner heart-to-heart to keep myself from getting shots, and I never would've had that convo if I wasn't at a bar, sipping wine.
I also don't want to have another glass of wine anymore. It was nice for a change to have a glass of wine like a responsible adult, but for me it's kind of like, what's the point, if I'm not trying to get drunk, Id rather have fizzy water.
So I'm glad I got that out of the way, and in fact I feel better now, stronger about my sobriety. I conquered my voice that day.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Prairie Village, KS
Posts: 264
My relapse started with just one glass of wine on one special occasion. I went back out for another year. It was ugly. I'm 4 months sober. I know I can never have "a glass of wine" again. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Yes, you probably got out of that O.K. It's like you've been walking along a narrow ridge and wondering whether it might be O.K. to throw the rope away and take a step closer to the edge, just for old time's sake. "I can always draw back and rope up again because now I'm in control. I'll do it just this once. There will be no next time."
I wonder if down there, the beast is chuckling a bit in his cage, thinking to himself. "Next time? I can always wait. Time means nothing to me!"
It's a dangerous game-playing "Just one" with alcohol, giving the old race horse another smell of the track. like the guy who was tracking the tiger, or thought he was. But he happened to look over his shoulder and what do you suppose he saw a few feet to the rear?
W.
I wonder if down there, the beast is chuckling a bit in his cage, thinking to himself. "Next time? I can always wait. Time means nothing to me!"
It's a dangerous game-playing "Just one" with alcohol, giving the old race horse another smell of the track. like the guy who was tracking the tiger, or thought he was. But he happened to look over his shoulder and what do you suppose he saw a few feet to the rear?
W.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
P.S. As another post observed, what's with your husband? Does he really think that "one glass of wine" is O.K. for you? Or does he just want a drinking buddy and hasn't thought much about the rest?
W.
W.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
Originally Posted by fantail
She means her wedding anniversary, not her sobriety anniversary.
The way I understand it Arctic is that you initially quit by making this deal with yourself... Quit drinking and as a reward, get drunk on June 2. Then when you arrived at June 2, you realized you didn't need the carrot anymore.
That's awesome! It sounds to me like your sobriety's gained all new meaning. Congrats on the learning experience. Yes a risky one and would've been great if you'd stuck to sprite, but I'm glad you made it through safely.
The way I understand it Arctic is that you initially quit by making this deal with yourself... Quit drinking and as a reward, get drunk on June 2. Then when you arrived at June 2, you realized you didn't need the carrot anymore.
That's awesome! It sounds to me like your sobriety's gained all new meaning. Congrats on the learning experience. Yes a risky one and would've been great if you'd stuck to sprite, but I'm glad you made it through safely.
Yeah, I know it was a HORRIBLE idea, you are all right.
As for that glass of wine eventually leading to a relapse and downward spiral, gosh I hope not! It sure doesn't feel that way now....
Actually yes, since that glass, the thought(that I'm in control and maybe I can drink) has entered my mind more then before the glass of wine....but I snatch it up and throw it away, because I recognize it, it's B.S.
Oh, and as for the husband thing. His intentions are good. We ALLLLLL know how hard it is for a non-drinker to understand a drinkers problems. I'm guessing (i dont know for sure) he thought I did such a good job not drinking for 4 months that I deserved a reward, and he thought it would make me happy.
No, he will never see me as a hard-core alcoholic and treat me as such. His Dad was a "hard-core alcoholic" who ruined his family, job, marriage, life, went to jail, rehab, lost his liscense, etc. and tried to quit again and again and again. And could not. Very sad stuff.
Now,my husband sees me, who liked to sit around a campfire and drink too many beers, then decide she needs to quit, so does, immediately.Not a problem in his eyes.
I dont know what else to do in that situation. Just say no I guess!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
Originally Posted by wpainterw
P.S. As another post observed, what's with your husband? Does he really think that "one glass of wine" is O.K. for you? Or does he just want a drinking buddy and hasn't thought much about the rest?
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 669
My child is now grown so I don't have to worry about a babysitter or waking up to be the mom my child needs. If you didn't have that would you have been able to abstain? Make sure you stay sober for yourself and not your child or family.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
I don't know, Artic. I clearly remember your earlier threads and they were about a lot more then just sitting around a camp fire drinking. In those threads your husband was far from a "non-drinker".
Your very first thread here was "I need to tell my story and I need help" In that opening thread you stated your husband and you had polished off more then 30 beers and you ended up blacking out. You also posted "He has no problem not drinking all week but then binging on the weekends". That very first thread of yours revealed you were drinking a lot.
There was your "Blood in Puke" thread that had a lot of us very concerned for you.
I also distinctly remember the thread titled "Help! My hubby has an idea!" where in part you posted he said you should just cut back and he told you, you were just over reacting.
About three weeks ago you started a thread "Almost Drank and Scared" where among other things, you posted "I want to drink like a normal person, and I cant".
I'm glad you apparently ended up drinking only one glass of wine on your anniversary yet I can't help but be quite concerned for you. I hope that drink you planned for you anniversary has not re-awakened the beast and instead has given you better insight into your drinking of alcohol.
Your very first thread here was "I need to tell my story and I need help" In that opening thread you stated your husband and you had polished off more then 30 beers and you ended up blacking out. You also posted "He has no problem not drinking all week but then binging on the weekends". That very first thread of yours revealed you were drinking a lot.
There was your "Blood in Puke" thread that had a lot of us very concerned for you.
I also distinctly remember the thread titled "Help! My hubby has an idea!" where in part you posted he said you should just cut back and he told you, you were just over reacting.
About three weeks ago you started a thread "Almost Drank and Scared" where among other things, you posted "I want to drink like a normal person, and I cant".
I'm glad you apparently ended up drinking only one glass of wine on your anniversary yet I can't help but be quite concerned for you. I hope that drink you planned for you anniversary has not re-awakened the beast and instead has given you better insight into your drinking of alcohol.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I see how this is a "win" in the sense that you're plan was to take a year off drinking and then get drunk on your anniversary. You did not. You valued your sobriety much more and found that having to "moderate" was tedious and chorelike and what the heck is the point.
I am a week today sober and I have thought about the whole one or two drink thing and thought to myself...I drink to get drunk..so what's the point of one or two? I digress..
I loved your post...and I say congrats on not getting drunk.
But as a post above says...I would be fretting..yup..that I awakened a weakened beast.
I am a week today sober and I have thought about the whole one or two drink thing and thought to myself...I drink to get drunk..so what's the point of one or two? I digress..
I loved your post...and I say congrats on not getting drunk.
But as a post above says...I would be fretting..yup..that I awakened a weakened beast.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 8
Sounds to me as though you have been obsessing about that anniversary drink and promised it to yourself as your reward? Alcohol is now telling you that you can drink like a normal person can. This disease wants us dead, it lies to us, it tells us we are not really alcoholics. Please, please, please don't listen to it. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I think total abstinence is something we should universally support, and it makes me uncomfortable to see that some have congratulated you on this "accomplishment".
That being said, what you is your business. Good luck - your post reminds me that I'm better off making sure my own backyard is clean before criticizing my neighbor's.
That being said, what you is your business. Good luck - your post reminds me that I'm better off making sure my own backyard is clean before criticizing my neighbor's.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
Originally Posted by Received
I don't know, Artic. I clearly remember your earlier threads and they were about a lot more then just sitting around a camp fire drinking. In those threads your husband was far from a "non-drinker".
Your very first thread here was "I need to tell my story and I need help" In that opening thread you stated your husband and you had polished off more then 30 beers and you ended up blacking out. You also posted "He has no problem not drinking all week but then binging on the weekends". That very first thread of yours revealed you were drinking a lot.
There was your "Blood in Puke" thread that had a lot of us very concerned for you.
I also distinctly remember the thread titled "Help! My hubby has an idea!" where in part you posted he said you should just cut back and he told you, you were just over reacting.
About three weeks ago you started a thread "Almost Drank and Scared" where among other things, you posted "I want to drink like a normal person, and I cant".
I'm glad you apparently ended up drinking only one glass of wine on your anniversary yet I can't help but be quite concerned for you. I hope that drink you planned for you anniversary has not re-awakened the beast and instead has given you better insight into your drinking of alcohol.
Your very first thread here was "I need to tell my story and I need help" In that opening thread you stated your husband and you had polished off more then 30 beers and you ended up blacking out. You also posted "He has no problem not drinking all week but then binging on the weekends". That very first thread of yours revealed you were drinking a lot.
There was your "Blood in Puke" thread that had a lot of us very concerned for you.
I also distinctly remember the thread titled "Help! My hubby has an idea!" where in part you posted he said you should just cut back and he told you, you were just over reacting.
About three weeks ago you started a thread "Almost Drank and Scared" where among other things, you posted "I want to drink like a normal person, and I cant".
I'm glad you apparently ended up drinking only one glass of wine on your anniversary yet I can't help but be quite concerned for you. I hope that drink you planned for you anniversary has not re-awakened the beast and instead has given you better insight into your drinking of alcohol.
And I wasn't trying to minimize my drinking by saying I drank around campfires, I'm saying that's how I think my hubby views it.
I am quite aware I had a very bad drinking problem, and I already reiterated that it was a bad idea to have the glass of wine. I'm not sure why you are bringing up all those posts??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 539
Originally Posted by Liverbirdlou
Sounds to me as though you have been obsessing about that anniversary drink and promised it to yourself as your reward? Alcohol is now telling you that you can drink like a normal person can. This disease wants us dead, it lies to us, it tells us we are not really alcoholics. Please, please, please don't listen to it. Stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: England
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by ArcticSA
Oh I am aware of it, and I won't listen to it. But in all honesty I was not obsessing over it.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I have noticed others having trouble around the 4 month mark. I know this was a preset reward time. You quit around the same time I did and this last week was pretty tough. I totally blocked out that slip and my immediate physical reaction. Until I posted it to you I forgot about it. Month 3 was easy because I accepted the fact that I physically can not drink. Yet when the cravings came into play I blocked it out. Had I just remembered that slip and all the reasons I quit I could have avoided a week of anxiety. I am afraid for you that your slip told you that you actually can behave. Of course we can behave, but only for a time. Even though we haven't dug a ditch for ourselves yet we know where this is going if we continue. My husband doesn't get the A thing either. He is a non drinker and I did an awesome job of hiding it (yeah me) He has no idea how close he was to having everything blow up, but I do. I find this last round of cravings has passed and I am going to do some yard work in the rain. AGAIN
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
I think there's an important distinction to be made here. She isn't saying "I went out and had a glass of wine and it was awesome!" She's saying, "I went out and had a glass of wine and it wasn't worth it. I white-knuckled my way through the evening and thankfully made it through all the addictive thoughts it triggered."
I think it's probably true that once you cross the line once it's easier to cross it again, but seems like the same exercise of thinking it through to the conclusion can be used to prevent it.
I agree that it's important to be clear on the risks, but if slips and mishaps are given the third degree that may encourage people not to share.
I think it's probably true that once you cross the line once it's easier to cross it again, but seems like the same exercise of thinking it through to the conclusion can be used to prevent it.
I agree that it's important to be clear on the risks, but if slips and mishaps are given the third degree that may encourage people not to share.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Arctic: You wrote that you answered me (about your husband) as follows: "I'm guessing (i dont know for sure) he thought I did such a good job not drinking for 4 months that I deserved a reward, and he thought it would make me happy.
No, he will never see me as a hard-core alcoholic and treat me as such."
All I can say is that this makes me feel uneasy. If you have indeed had severe problems with alcohol, this does not sound to me like your husband is aware of that. Anyone who could say that after four months of sobriety you might "deserve a reward" by drinking again, is not giving you the kind of support you deserve after all your wonderful success in trying to give it up. The illness is progressive and, if you have it , the last thing you would want to do is think that drinking might be some kind of "reward". It's like saying that a person with a severe life threatening allergy to shellfish might get a "reward" of a lobster dinner after abstaining from lobster for four months. You might say that one "teeny" glass of wine is not the same but this overlooks the subtlety of the slippery slope and the diabolical influence of the midbrain. Despite four months of sobriety, if you're any bit like the rest of us, there's got to be a "beast" down there in the primitive parts of your brain that is definitely not your friend and is doing all it can to get you to relapse. Do you have a severe drinking problem? Are you like the rest of us?
W.
No, he will never see me as a hard-core alcoholic and treat me as such."
All I can say is that this makes me feel uneasy. If you have indeed had severe problems with alcohol, this does not sound to me like your husband is aware of that. Anyone who could say that after four months of sobriety you might "deserve a reward" by drinking again, is not giving you the kind of support you deserve after all your wonderful success in trying to give it up. The illness is progressive and, if you have it , the last thing you would want to do is think that drinking might be some kind of "reward". It's like saying that a person with a severe life threatening allergy to shellfish might get a "reward" of a lobster dinner after abstaining from lobster for four months. You might say that one "teeny" glass of wine is not the same but this overlooks the subtlety of the slippery slope and the diabolical influence of the midbrain. Despite four months of sobriety, if you're any bit like the rest of us, there's got to be a "beast" down there in the primitive parts of your brain that is definitely not your friend and is doing all it can to get you to relapse. Do you have a severe drinking problem? Are you like the rest of us?
W.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,090
Originally Posted by ArcticSA
I guess I should clarify, hubby is not an alcoholic, not a non-drinker.
And I wasn't trying to minimize my drinking by saying I drank around campfires, I'm saying that's how I think my hubby views it.
I am quite aware I had a very bad drinking problem, and I already reiterated that it was a bad idea to have the glass of wine. I'm not sure why you are bringing up all those posts??
And I wasn't trying to minimize my drinking by saying I drank around campfires, I'm saying that's how I think my hubby views it.
I am quite aware I had a very bad drinking problem, and I already reiterated that it was a bad idea to have the glass of wine. I'm not sure why you are bringing up all those posts??
Believe me, I certainly do not relish bringing up something that may make someone else uncomfortable (and that person think I purposely set out to be mean) but frankly I'd rather be thought of as that then stay silent about such a potentially dangerous choice.
Like I said earlier, and truly mean, I hope that glass of wine you chose to drink last night has truly given you better insight into your drinking of alcohol.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by tomsteve
Russian roulette is a game I chose not to play.
i found that i would always have a couple of beers, and control it just fine..
and then the next week i would do the same based on my new found knowledge and commitment to control
and then the next week i would end up in jail, or a 5 day bender
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