FreddyBear

Here I'm again in the newcomers section after over 100 days of sobriety. Got out yesterday to the birthday party to my friend. Everyone were drinking and I fell into the idea that 2-3 pints will be relaxing and I deserved it. However, I drank those in 20 minutes and catched those weird looks for drinking that fast. When almost all finished the first pint, I smashed the 3rd. Ended up downing about 12-13 pints and blacked out.

I'm normally shy and anxious around people, but I "opened up" way too much and made a total fool of myself. Sang songs loudly, said really stupid ****. And worst of all, I met this guy whom I never seen since university and accused him for owing me a a lot of cash since 2000, which is not the case! My God, why I did this... This was not that fun being buzzed to begin with, and what happened after that is a lot worse. It seems that I'm f'ked up for life and there is nothing I can do with this.

Dee74

Hey Freddy
you're not screwed for life - only for as long as you keep thinking alcohol is a solution.

I've read your threads - know you haven't been very happy sober - it's time to look at that, man - work out why not, and what you can do about it - that's the way forward, not drinking.

It's good to see you back and committing to being sober - it's true what they say - you never have to feel this way again...really

Mountainmanbob

Anna

The best you can do is to learn a lesson from the experience. I couldn't be around alcohol at 100 days sober. It took much longer for me to be able to manage it. It's good that you came back and are working on recovery again.

jstar

I know how you feel freddy... .I had a similar experience last week & got drunk, blacked out, said stupid crap etc etc...I had like 125 days sober. It is hard to start over but I think necessary for our recovery.

Don't forget you are human...try not to be too hard on yourself

Hugs

instant

You had 100 days. you did it then you can do it again.

I was a danger to myself when i was feeeling good and strong.

There is strength in surrender.

FreddyBear

Thanks for all the replies. Now I'm sitting and analyzing why I did this.

- I was very shy and introverted for my whole life. There are pretty bad communication issues going on for me, and I just can't overcome them no matter what and how hard I try.

- Recently I've read that it's very important to receive external validation of your existence from other people. I agree wholeheartedly, but feel terribly alone in the whole world. Whatever I achieve in business, fitness, personal skills - it all doesn't matter, no one cares if I do well or not in anything. So, what's the point in all this if I can't share it with anyone? I have no close friends who I can confide in, nor a girlfriend or family of my own. I've been in this mindset for last month and sometimes wished that I never wake up when I go to bed. The only things I was looking for is eating, sleeping and working out with my trainer a little but.

- Personal life is non existent. Now I realize that I sabotage my own efforts most of the time. Whenever I see a pretty girl, I immediately feel down and withdraw. Online dating sites are my only option, but mostly no one answers my emails. When I see how easy other people have it, I want to off myself.

I know that drinking and embarrassing myself is not a way to live. These accidents stockpile and I lose very little social connections I had due to my behavior. But the problem is my default sober state sucks nearly as much. I'm doing quite well with my online biz this year, everything is pretty much automated and runs almost by itself. But this doesn't make me happy at all. What's the point if I can't share it with anyone? I saved a substantial amount of cash to buy the car I dreamed of since I was a little bot, but just don't buy it and ride my oldie. Again, no real need to do it if no one will validate it.

I'm 31 and not considered young anymore. Life is going nowhere. The world is very cold and lonely place, and I'm stuck between sobriety that is hardly better than drunkenness.

Nighthawk8820

I think most people relapse for one major reason, they let their guard down over time and forget just how bad they were. Time plays tricks as does the addiction itself. As time goes on, you can start to think maybe it wasn't as bad as you remember, or maybe you can control it better now since you had those 100 days of sobriety. Thats how it sneaks up and bites you every time. Always try and remember what happened yesterday, not to feel guilty, but as a reminder of why you are sober this next time and just how fast it can all go to downhill. So you made a mistake , right? Well, get up and try again. Learn from this mistake and go back into sobriety with a stronger resolve to make it stick this time. "2-3 pints will be relaxing and I deserved it" is dangerous, dangerous thinking my friend. That is the addiction talking, and even after 100 days, its still going to be lurking inside you (probably for life), so always keep your guard up and learn to recognize when your addiction it trying to sway you, like it did yesterday. You can do this..........


Also, recognize you are down right now because you feel guilty and alcohol is back in your system. Its not as bad as it may seem right now, give it a few more days, try not to dwell on yesterday, and you will feel better. It may seem way worse today due to the chemical imbalance going in your mind today, but it wont seem as bad in a few days. Trust me, you can try again and now you know you cant ever have a casual pint, because you are an alcoholic and thats just how it is.....................good news is, you can learn from this and it can strengthen your resolve to be sober next time, so not all is lost.

Nighthawk8820

Everyone has personality flaws that require work and change. So right now you are bad with communication and dating, but honestly, dating isnt something you need to be working on right now. Sobriety is #1, and then once you build up a good foundation with that, you will have gained confidence and self esteem that will spill over into other areas of your life, such as dating or making friends.

Try and not live in your head so much, because during the first 6 months to a year, you will have wild mood swings and racing thoughts as you heal from the addiction. Its normal, as much as it blows sometimes. Learn to recognize when you are berating yourself and move on from it. Tell yourself you aren't going to put yourself down anymore. You are 31, there is no rush to get all the things you want right this moment. You will have time to do everything you want to. Stop comparing yourself to people your age, because we all have our own timelines and no ones is alike. Get sober, stay sober, then slowly start to work on things you also want to change about yourself such as talking to people or branching out socially. Its a process and you have to be patient with yourself buddy. Dont even think about dating until like 2 years of being sober, when you are confident and ready to share yourself proudly with someone else.

Nuudawn

Sorry Nighthawk..that made me chuckle. I have long suspected that it's my "thinking problem" thats got me a "drinking problem.

No Freddy, that' didn't sound like much fun..at all. I too have struggled with social anxiety, lonelieness, never feeling validated, without purpose....lonely, lonely, lonely. I was always waiting for that special someone to come along and rescue me and make everything all better.

I'm 46 years old now and it's only this year (and with the help of a counsellor) I have had to face the fact that it's nobody's else job to make me feel better about me. That information downright ticked me off...at first.

The only relationship..the most important relationship...I have to focus on right now is the one I have with me. I have treated myself like crap for years. As a matter of fact, I'm downright disappointed in how I've been looking after me...like I should've called social services..on myself. I left me unattended all the time...especially when I was drinking every damn night. Yup, horrible neglect of me.

You have to validate you. Believe me, looking for someone to make you feel good sets you up for horrible roller coaster relationships. You can't give anyone that much power.

I digress...this is about staying sober right.
I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you posted.

fantail

Then that car is not what you really want! You need to figure out what makes you happy even if no one else notices. I took some of my sobriety savings and I'm on a giant bicycle trip. I've biked over 500 miles alone... And I'm so happy and proud. I know it may not seem like it, but there's something like that for you too.

Stride34

Freddy millions of people feel this way. the things you think you're missing in life, or are bad at or anxious of....if all that stuff was suddenly fixed u'd realize very rapidly it wasn't the answer. being anxious socially doesn't matter, nobody cares, everyone (sober, at least) can feel it in varying degrees. and having a relationship right now would probably bring out even more the pain thats inside of you. theres nothing weird at all about being single. many people in a relationship wish they were single but feel pressured to stay in a relationship. right now u should be single and enjoy it.

u need to work on healing within yourself...then ull be able to give more of yourself and maybe the external things will change if u want them to...maybe not, either way ull have some peace. Just chill out a bit and work on staying sober and try life a clean and productive life where you don't harm others..that's it..u do that, ur a better person in my book then an assho*e social extravert or womanizer.

Marria

Freddy, I hope you can let this slip-up go and move back to sobriety. Only when you accept that drink will never bring you happiness (because like me you are an alcoholic) can you then be free to take whatever steps are needed in your life to bring you more fulfillment and joy.
It is possible, keep doing whatever it takes to bring you closer to those dreams that you have, for example to share your life with someone special...

I guess you need to really see how special you are yourself first. And believe in who you are and all that you have to offer.
My life is quite lonely at times,but not as lonely as its been in the past in unhappy relationships...
Don't give up on YOU!! That drunk guy is not the real you!! And you don't have to go back there ever again. And you can find happiness, I truly believe that. At almost 6 months now I feel much happier than I have been in a long time. My life is far from what I dreamed it would be but there's lots of good aspects to my life too as well as the gaps.

sugarbear1

just start again and stay stopped.

try to work some method of recovery and keep increasing your support network.

love & hugs,
~SB

Dee74

I wonder where you heard this because I think it's bunkum (Aussie for BS)

I spent years looking for validation from other people - my parents, my siblings, the cool kids, women....

All that got me was insecurity, alcoholism, and a total absolute and fundamental lack of self identity.

The best validation comes from within Freddy. That's what you need to work on, IMO.

If you've 'always been this way' that's all the more reason to start working on it now....there's no reason to let another decade go by, feeling unhappy.

31 is not old...it's the perfect time to turn your life around

Have you tried therapy?

D

FreddyBear

Heard this on TV, it was an interview with a psych doc. Felt like very true while watching it. I know I need to work on this and treat this like an underlying problem.

I live in a small town in Norway with only a couple of docs whom I'm not comfortable visiting. And I don't know what to ask them to be true. Should I treat my alcoholism as a standalone issue, or try to resolve different personal problems. Perhaps, if I can write it down accurately it will be worth a trip to a bigger city where no one knows me.

Honestly, I don't know how I can trust myself anymore. I realized I have a big drinking problem early in 2011, and it is getting old. It will be my 10th (or more) attempt to quit, but if I'm going to repeat all the same actions as previously, am I doomed for the same result?

Dee74

I tried many more times than 10 Freddy

When I quit I not only had to deal with my alcoholism but I had to deal with those underlying things in me I started drinking for.

I really believe you need to target both if you want change.

D

betterlate

If only I could be 31 again...oh man.

You are actually 31 now, and all I can say from an age a few decades older, don't let alcohol drown your 30's.

barry8886

I can most definately agree that there is danger in feeling really good. Its difficult to keep grounded, that's when I'm most dangerous to myself.

Mountainmanbob