Feel like I am giving up on him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Feel like I am giving up on him.
Hi, I have been reading the posts on here and have found them to be of great comfort knowing others are going through the same emotions. I have been dating an alcoholic off and on for five years and it has been a rollercoaster ride. I feel everything and he feels nothing because he is so numb all the time. He lived with me for a few months and would be passed out by 7 pm every night shortly after coming home allready drunk. He can be a very sweet, fun, charming person especially when our relationship was new. He also seems to have so much fun with everyone else but me...his bar buddies, the bar tenders, and often goes to the bar alone and does not invite me. I was drinking with him but know when to stop but somehow he makes me feel like I am not as much fun as his regular group of drinking buddies. I have moved to another town to try and put some distance between us and to sort things out for myself. He went back to living with his dad since he can't afford to live on his own (but seems to always afford his beer). Since I moved, he seems to isolate even more from me, even though I continue to drive an hour to visit him when I can. He hasn't called me for two days and I have not contacted him. I hate to give up on him because I know his disease controls him but I am tired of doing all the giving and worrying while he does nothing but stay numb and pretend to not care about me or our relationship. Maybe he doesn't care or is just not capable of caring about anything but himself and his next beer or joint. It is sad to watch him deteriorate and not even bother to shower and change his clothes but once a week. I wish I could help him but I am losing hope. I am so glad to have found SR..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,424
hi suncatcher - welcome 
I donl;t think you're giving up on him at all - I think you're detaching for your own good.
You're also giving him the chance to experience the consequences of his drinking for himself without you cleaning up after him.
You're giving him the opportunity to first see the problem, and then to do something about it
I did not love it at the time, but I'm really glad now my loved ones did that for me. They probably saved my life in the long run.
D
I donl;t think you're giving up on him at all - I think you're detaching for your own good.
You're also giving him the chance to experience the consequences of his drinking for himself without you cleaning up after him.
You're giving him the opportunity to first see the problem, and then to do something about it
I did not love it at the time, but I'm really glad now my loved ones did that for me. They probably saved my life in the long run.
D
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by suncatcher 
Hi, I have been reading the posts on here and have found them to be of great comfort knowing others are going through the same emotions. I have been dating an alcoholic off and on for five years and it has been a rollercoaster ride. I feel everything and he feels nothing because he is so numb all the time. He lived with me for a few months and would be passed out by 7 pm every night shortly after coming home allready drunk. He can be a very sweet, fun, charming person especially when our relationship was new. He also seems to have so much fun with everyone else but me...his bar buddies, the bar tenders, and often goes to the bar alone and does not invite me. I was drinking with him but know when to stop but somehow he makes me feel like I am not as much fun as his regular group of drinking buddies. I have moved to another town to try and put some distance between us and to sort things out for myself. He went back to living with his dad since he can't afford to live on his own (but seems to always afford his beer). Since I moved, he seems to isolate even more from me, even though I continue to drive an hour to visit him when I can. He hasn't called me for two days and I have not contacted him. I hate to give up on him because I know his disease controls him but I am tired of doing all the giving and worrying while he does nothing but stay numb and pretend to not care about me or our relationship. Maybe he doesn't care or is just not capable of caring about anything but himself and his next beer or joint. It is sad to watch him deteriorate and not even bother to shower and change his clothes but once a week. I wish I could help him but I am losing hope. I am so glad to have found SR..
Its so tough dating someone who is in the throws of addiction. I know you mean well and have invested a lot in this relationship, but I dont think its paying off for you right now. It might be time to move on, and you know, if he does decide to take control and get help, then maybe sometime down the line, you can revisit the idea of dating if you still feel the same way. For now, you (and I hate to say this) are wasting your time, because he wont be getting better if he doesn't want it. Right now, he isnt interested in getting help and you run the risk of him bringing you down with him into the pit he is falling in to. You cant save him right now, so I suggest moving on and working towards rebuilding your own confidence, which I am sure has suffered through all of this.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
He's not pretending not to care about the relationship - he just doesn't care, plain and simple.
Why bother to drive an hour away to see someone who doesn't care about himself, about you, or about your "relationship".
If it were me I'd move on with my life and let him drink his away.
to SR from a fellow Buckeye!
isolate even more from me, even though I continue to drive an hour to visit him when I can
Why bother to drive an hour away to see someone who doesn't care about himself, about you, or about your "relationship".
If it were me I'd move on with my life and let him drink his away.
to SR from a fellow Buckeye!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I do feel stronger and start to gain back my lost confidence and self esteem when I stay away even though I miss him and still think about him. I do know I can't change him and hope Dee74 is right..maybe he will see the problem and do something about it if I am not around to drive him everywhere and clean up after him. I have to let him live his life how he chooses and know I have a right to live my life with or without him and be happy. I have been enjoying some new hobbies like reading and walking and meeting new people. So glad to have friends here on SR as well. Thanks and Peace to you all
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