lsb

I am annoyed that when I take the alcohol away from my friendships...I have nothing left.

Wastinglife

I hear you Isb. I find myself very isolated being sober. My friends and I are not the type of guys who will sit down for a coffee or go to a movie haha.

doggonecarl

Is a friendship based solely on alcohol really a friendship? What have you really lost?

pattyj

I hear you too. I had to give up my boyfriend of 6 years, his entire family that I was very close to, all of the friends that we had together and everyone else outside of the relationship. I now have my own family on my side, many of my coworkers, and my sponsor.

We have allowed alcohol to be the judge of who our friends are. Being sober can let us make honest and true lifelong friends. I hate that I have to start over at age 30 but it's better to start living my 'real' life now then hiding behind alcohol and being miserable but not letting myself fix the situation.

Go to meetings, get involved (I'm the coin person), attend the BBQs (they are awkward at first but there's a first time for everything) and try to join one of the AA groups (there's book clubs, softball teams, etc.)

Nonsensical

Except the ability to make new friends.

What would you like to be doing with your friends that doesn't involve drinking? Start doing those things and then you will start meeting people who also like to do those non-drinking activities. It'll take some time, but why wait to begin?

Good Luck!

FatallyUncool

Hi LSB. I have read through your posts and your situation sounds kind of similar to mine. My ex and I had a falling out soon after I got clean and she has recently moved. We have made up but she lives very far away.

I quickly realized that all of my friends are primarily her friends that I met through her, and that my friendships with them tended to revolve around drinking and getting high.
It was really weird being around most of my old friends after getting clean, and most have faded away, but a few stuck.

I had no idea how to meet people outside of a bar or party, and without a couple of drinks or offering to smoke them up. I was 40 (now 41). Nothing to do or look forward to.

I went to my first NA meeting the Friday after I stopped using, mainly because I felt lonely and didn't have anything to do. I have tried some other things, too, like attending meditation sessions and taking karate classes. The meditation didn't really stick, but I still do karate. I just found out recently, that two of the guys in my karate class were also ex-users, with backgrounds similar to mine.

So yeah, it's kind of lousy, and really uncomfortable at first. But I'm starting to be more social, and I kind of enjoy doing things that I once thought were lame and boring. Being stoned all the time, that is really lame and boring.

Dee74

Hi lsb

my whole life and most of my relationships were based on or around alcohol and drugs.

When I quit I had to build a new life - that meant a lot of changes, and it meant leaving some drinking buddies behind.

I made new friends and I reconnected with old ones, where the focus was on real friendship not just shared addiction.

I predict you'll find the friends you make now will be keepers

D

Anna

I understand that it's really hard to face the new reality of life without alcohol. I think when you realize that parts of your life were a lie, it really shakes you to the core. But, this sadness and pain will allow you to move forward and be a better person and find friends who love the real you.

lsb

I don't think I can move forward. I just feel stuck and lonely.

lsb

This is hard. I am having a rough night. The weekends are the worst for me. I don't know how I can deal with this.

Dee74

I think all of us are stronger than we know lsb.

Our addiction will feed on our loneliness and our fear and tell us we can't make it...but we can, and do.

I trusted the people here who told me it got better - and it really did.

Stay the course lsb - you won't be sorry.

D

Zebra1275

How long have you been sober?

It takes awhile to rebuild your life, but you can rebuild it and make it so much better.

Nuudawn

Hugs Isb:
Just tonight I was driving home wondering what the heck I was going to do with myself. Not all my friends are heavy drinkers but they are busy with their own lives..kids etc. I am currently single...no kids..and in my 40's. I've isolated quite a bit in the past few years and pretty much kept company with wine and cigarettes. Tonight I wanted to do something but couldn't find anyone at the last minute..who weren't drinkers. I desperately need to build a life ..and social contacts where it's not revolved around alcohol. There is soooo much life out there. I don't know what you're age is but I wince to think about how much time I wasted either drinking in bars and pubs with friends..or drinking alone to kill time. I HATE that I have not cultivated hobbies, interests...a way of life that doesn't include alcohol. Heck, I did everything with alcohol...even laundry.

nvcwildcat

I know what you're going through. Now that I'm sober I realize that most of my friends are just drinking buddies. I've gone out a few nights, and some friends seem supportive, but it really hurts to learn that the people who you considered your closest friends just don't get it.

Anyways I'm only a month sober and I know that it will get better, but I really want to stay social! It's a real balancing acting trying to decide what is best for me right now.

bigsombrero

I felt the same way about my old friends. But you know what, you might be surprised. I have gone to a ball game, went out to breakfast, and watched a few sports events on TV with my old buddies - all without alcohol. And yeah, these are guys like you describe above.

I've found that sobriety is cool because you can step back and assess all your friendships. It's kind of like drafting a roster full of buddies you can keep around. If some abandon you, good riddance anyway.

You do not have to be alone, you just have to reshape the way you view friendship.

Grungehead

I went to a coffee house yesterday around 6PM to meet my sponsor. There were 2 different groups of guys who looked like they were in their late 20's to early 30's sitting at tables outside drinking coffee. One table was just chatting while the other table was playing cards. And they were just drinking coffee!!! Imagine that.

The reason it left an impression on me is because I am an alcoholic and I can't have imagined myself doing that, especially at their age. I would have been in a bar with my friends getting loaded after work. I have to realize that I am the exception not the rule. I also have to remember that I am the one who chose my friends when I was drinking, and after I got sober it was obvious I picked them because they liked to drink like me.

Diva76

Hello Lsb,

First, congratulations on choosing sobriety....
I am recovering from co-dependency and like you, I also had to reassess my "friendships" and relationships....
It gets lonely for me,as well, but...I can tell you this much....
I would NEVER want to return to the life I was living before......

If the people you are describing are "true friends" of yours, then they will be more than happy to support your efforts and agree to meet with you on your terms....

If they are merely "drinking buddies" you may eventually discover that you don't have nearly as much in common with them as you originally thought....

And remember, if your "friends" don't support the changes you are making, it's likely because they are doing the exact same thing you WERE doing and this would force them to re-evaluate themselves...

As you know, this is really hard to do, so instead, they will avoid you, so they can continue to ignore their own issues with alcohol.....

I know it's hard when you're going through such a huge transition in your life to feel as though you have "no friends" but, as you start feeling better, this may be an opportunity for you to create friendships with others who value themselves, just as much as they value you....

I wish you the very best....

Again, congratulations on making such an important decision....

Remember, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

All the best,


Linda

Acheleus

I am in a college town and alcohol is so pervasive here. I am nine days sober in a town I have been in less than a year. I am going to just put my self out there and be proactive in the coming weeks. I hope my anxiety will subside as I remain sober. But I have to learn to be a friend. So yea, we can complain about being alone or we can just go out there and try new things. Be spontaneous and have no fear.

Nighthawk8820

Its true, there is a big change in your social circle when you stop drinking, but once you get a grip on this, you can branch out and meet people who you actually have things in common with, other than your love of getting drunk. Those aren't real friends, so let them go, and trust you will meet better people in the future.