looking for advice and support
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Raytown MO
Posts: 1
looking for advice and support
Hello all. I am looking for advice and support. After twenty years of what was seemingly a happy and fulfilling marriage, I was thrown into a tailspin about 5 months ago, finding out within days that my husband was a drug addict, alcoholic, criminal, and adulterer. He hid everything so well that while myself and others sometimes suspected, he was always able to talk his way out of things. He made up jobs, forged checks, stole jewelry and other valuable possessions from friends, family, and the customers from my cleaning business (even forging checks on our son's checking account multiple times). The latest job he had made up was a sales job in which in was required to travel extensively, for a little over a month, my children and I thought he was working and traveling, when he was actually living with an old girlfriend from high school and her children a mere twenty minutes from our home. He made us lose our home, made us go without hot water, heat, food, and other necessities, He was very elaborate in all of his lies, even making up receipts, etc. to make his stories convincing. He will only admit to taking oxycodone, which he became addicted to after battling long term back pain, but he has lost all his teeth, and displays other behaviors that point directly to heavy meth use. The woman he is involved with has a son and ex husband who are recovering meth addicts, and she also displays behavior, appearance, etc. that suggest drug use.
This all might be easier to handle if it wasn't such a drastic change from a faithful, loving husband and father, who would never dream of hurting anyone, especially his family, to this stranger who did everything he could to destroy our lives. He left us in a nasty, falling apart rental house, with no money, and mountains of bills. He victimized many, many people who my children and I face every day, and we have had to answer for what he has done and I have had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to get my children taken care of and safe and secure.
We have had no contact from him for four weeks now, I don't know if he has given up, or if he is lying in wait. My children are 18 and 16 and want nothing to do with him right now. They feel betrayed, abandoned, and humiliated. Now I find myself wondering if I should be trying to help him. I did try in the beginning and it is impossible. He won't admit to anything he has done, even though we have proof of his crimes, etc. He maintains that he does not have a drug/alcohol addiction but says he is only going to therapy to work on his deep seated emotional issues. He lies about everything, he lies about lying.
Am I wrong to not offer myself for support/help anymore? Every time I put myself out there, he and his girlfriend humiliated, manipulated, and lied. He looks like death in recent pictures I have seen of him. All I want to do is protect myself and my children, we have been through so much and without him, we are finally at peace!
This all might be easier to handle if it wasn't such a drastic change from a faithful, loving husband and father, who would never dream of hurting anyone, especially his family, to this stranger who did everything he could to destroy our lives. He left us in a nasty, falling apart rental house, with no money, and mountains of bills. He victimized many, many people who my children and I face every day, and we have had to answer for what he has done and I have had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to get my children taken care of and safe and secure.
We have had no contact from him for four weeks now, I don't know if he has given up, or if he is lying in wait. My children are 18 and 16 and want nothing to do with him right now. They feel betrayed, abandoned, and humiliated. Now I find myself wondering if I should be trying to help him. I did try in the beginning and it is impossible. He won't admit to anything he has done, even though we have proof of his crimes, etc. He maintains that he does not have a drug/alcohol addiction but says he is only going to therapy to work on his deep seated emotional issues. He lies about everything, he lies about lying.
Am I wrong to not offer myself for support/help anymore? Every time I put myself out there, he and his girlfriend humiliated, manipulated, and lied. He looks like death in recent pictures I have seen of him. All I want to do is protect myself and my children, we have been through so much and without him, we are finally at peace!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Are you wrong to not help him any longer? Absolutely not. No way. You will never be wrong for saving yourself and your children. You can not help him. He has to want to help himself. I am sorry that this has happened to you. We are here for you.
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by jkh3581 
Hello all. I am looking for advice and support. After twenty years of what was seemingly a happy and fulfilling marriage, I was thrown into a tailspin about 5 months ago, finding out within days that my husband was a drug addict, alcoholic, criminal, and adulterer. He hid everything so well that while myself and others sometimes suspected, he was always able to talk his way out of things. He made up jobs, forged checks, stole jewelry and other valuable possessions from friends, family, and the customers from my cleaning business (even forging checks on our son's checking account multiple times). The latest job he had made up was a sales job in which in was required to travel extensively, for a little over a month, my children and I thought he was working and traveling, when he was actually living with an old girlfriend from high school and her children a mere twenty minutes from our home. He made us lose our home, made us go without hot water, heat, food, and other necessities, He was very elaborate in all of his lies, even making up receipts, etc. to make his stories convincing. He will only admit to taking oxycodone, which he became addicted to after battling long term back pain, but he has lost all his teeth, and displays other behaviors that point directly to heavy meth use. The woman he is involved with has a son and ex husband who are recovering meth addicts, and she also displays behavior, appearance, etc. that suggest drug use.
This all might be easier to handle if it wasn't such a drastic change from a faithful, loving husband and father, who would never dream of hurting anyone, especially his family, to this stranger who did everything he could to destroy our lives. He left us in a nasty, falling apart rental house, with no money, and mountains of bills. He victimized many, many people who my children and I face every day, and we have had to answer for what he has done and I have had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to get my children taken care of and safe and secure.
We have had no contact from him for four weeks now, I don't know if he has given up, or if he is lying in wait. My children are 18 and 16 and want nothing to do with him right now. They feel betrayed, abandoned, and humiliated. Now I find myself wondering if I should be trying to help him. I did try in the beginning and it is impossible. He won't admit to anything he has done, even though we have proof of his crimes, etc. He maintains that he does not have a drug/alcohol addiction but says he is only going to therapy to work on his deep seated emotional issues. He lies about everything, he lies about lying.
Am I wrong to not offer myself for support/help anymore? Every time I put myself out there, he and his girlfriend humiliated, manipulated, and lied. He looks like death in recent pictures I have seen of him. All I want to do is protect myself and my children, we have been through so much and without him, we are finally at peace!
This all might be easier to handle if it wasn't such a drastic change from a faithful, loving husband and father, who would never dream of hurting anyone, especially his family, to this stranger who did everything he could to destroy our lives. He left us in a nasty, falling apart rental house, with no money, and mountains of bills. He victimized many, many people who my children and I face every day, and we have had to answer for what he has done and I have had to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to get my children taken care of and safe and secure.
We have had no contact from him for four weeks now, I don't know if he has given up, or if he is lying in wait. My children are 18 and 16 and want nothing to do with him right now. They feel betrayed, abandoned, and humiliated. Now I find myself wondering if I should be trying to help him. I did try in the beginning and it is impossible. He won't admit to anything he has done, even though we have proof of his crimes, etc. He maintains that he does not have a drug/alcohol addiction but says he is only going to therapy to work on his deep seated emotional issues. He lies about everything, he lies about lying.
Am I wrong to not offer myself for support/help anymore? Every time I put myself out there, he and his girlfriend humiliated, manipulated, and lied. He looks like death in recent pictures I have seen of him. All I want to do is protect myself and my children, we have been through so much and without him, we are finally at peace!
Oh HELL no. You do NOT need to be helping him. You need to be focusing on your children and working towards rebuilding your life after this sociopath destroyed your very foundation. Remember, a strong woman builds a strong foundation out of the bricks that have been thrown at her. There is simply no justification for letting this person back into your life. It wont end well, it just wont. You may have some co-dependency issues you need to work though yourself, but that is for you to decide. Im sorry this all happened to you, but through ruin comes the chance for transformation. Take advantage of it and come back better than ever. DO NOT LET HIM BACK IN!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Raytown
Posts: 5
Thanks for the reply nighthawk! I know the kids and I already have a MUCH better life without him! I am working on myself now to shake the codependency and the guilt. Guilt that was also manufactured by him. All I ever did was be a faithful and loving wife. It is all about me and my kids now. On good days I know he isn't worth a second of my time. On bad days I backslide a bit!
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