Sober 3 mths; afraid to go to the Dr. (long, sorry)
 

I'm coming up on 3 months sober, and I'm afraid to go to the doctor. And I think I need to go.

I'm about 99 percent certain I have some kidney stones from chronic dehydration from drinking. Usually, they didn't bother me too much, or in the past, I would simply drink myself silly to numb or mask their symptoms. But the past week, in early recovery, the symptoms have been bothering me again.

My last medical intervention was last May, when I showed up at the ER for a badly clogged ear from some earwax. I was actively drinking then, and for some reason my brain and body went ballistic from anxiety when I was administered vital signs tests in the triage chair. BP skyrocketed, and my pulse shot up to 160. The triage nurse flipped out and ordered an EKG, which was clear. Needless to say, her reaction to my sudden panic attack only shot my anxiety up even further. They put me in a dark room, and gave me some Ativan, and everything went back down. They cleaned out my ears, the ER doc told me to follow up with a GP within 7 days, and I was on my way.

Except that I didn’t follow up. I was so haunted by the incident that I suffered the worst anxiety of my life, missing a full week of work and not sleeping the entire time (I very rarely missed work when drinking). And for weeks afterward, I had nightmares and insomnia after the experience. I was a wreck.

This was my ‘warning shot’ to quit drinking, and I stayed sober for 4 months, assuring myself that I needed the summer to de-stress before going back to follow up with a GP. Except that when summer ended, and I figured I was healthy enough to go back to the old routine, and I missed my happy-hour buddies, so away I went on my usual 12-pack, Friday-night binge. Yes, I know….typical Alkie mindset.

Another withdrawals-related incident last March, after a Friday binge, finally drilled into my head that enough was enough, and I was done for good. And I mean that.

But now I’m back to square one, at almost the exact same time last year. Nagging health problems that should be attended to. And a primal, uncontrollable fear of dealing with doctors, nurses, tests, etc. PAWS, along with some unwise caffeine consumption in early recovery, has got its claws into me deep. And I am deathly afraid of even making an appointment, afraid I’ll have the same panic attacks and anxiety.

I guess the toughest part is that I have no support, and I mean ZERO. I have few family left, and the ones that are around are retirement-age and dealing with their own stuff. I don’t have a single friend, either.

Fear aside, my mind is so foggy and addled that I can’t even make basic decisions about which doctor or clinic to call, and how to fit in appointments to my schedule.

I didn’t mean to write War and Peace here, and I don’t expect many to read this. I just need to get this off of my chest. I can just see myself white-knuckling through another summer.

I’m stuck….and I’m screwed

I can understand your fear of doctors. I get it. You are not screwed and you are not stuck. Call and make the appointment that you need. It is very important. VERY! Just make the appointment, and worry about everything else when it is time to worry about it. First things first. Make the appointment!

:welcome and congrats on your sober time!:) I understand the fear but it's in your own best interest to go and have exams done. Please make the apt and go, and perhaps since it won't be like the ER it won't be as scary. :hug: You can do this!

I hate going to doctors too. Even when I've been relatively healthy. But I'm always relieved when I do finally go... just to KNOW what's going on and then I can deal with it.

From one hypochondriac to another... go to the doctors! It is probably not as bad as you think and the panic attacks could be in part fuelled by your fear. And we all know there is only one way to overcome fear ;)

I really feel for your situation Dave because it is not dissimilar to what mine was. I think even more essential than even the doctors is getting yourself some support. Family and friends are over rated even if you had them readily available. What you really need is support from other recovering alcoholics, whether that be here, AA, SMART meetings... Please don't try and do this alone. It is unnecessary and it really does help to have support. Both medically and emotionally x

Welcome Dave :) We're happy to have you join us. You aren't alone anymore. :)

I agree with least - it won't be as scary as going to the ER. You aren't actively drinking, like you were in May. You must get unstuck and go take care of yourself. I always work myself up into a terrible state - then when it's over I'm so relieved and happy. You can do it, Dave.

Right there with you my friend so just know that you are not alone.

let me add my voice to the chorus Dave - just do it :)

glad you've joined us too - you'll find a lot of support here :)

D

I totally relate to the anxiety over Drs. I used to work myself up before even calling to make the appt. Was actually even afraid to call. Then I'd worry about what "might" be wrong with me and have anxiety over that. It's a vicious cycle. It's anxiety talking. Don't fall for it. Force yourself to make an appointment, try to keep your mind off of it until you go. When you get to the Dr. tell them you have a lot of anxiety about Drs and medical stuff. They've seen it with patients before (my daughter is a physician and sees it all the time) and they can help you get through it. I found out this summer my mom had colon cancer ,which is what my dad died of. I had to have a colonoscopy done asap. I hate Drs. too but forced myself to go despite the fact that I panic when I go near a Dr's office. I was convinced I had the same cancer too because I was years beyond the time when I should have had the test done. Worried myself sick. I did it and it wasn't bad at all. I was cancer free ,and now I don't have to worry. I'll definitely go back for the next test just so I won't have to worry. Go and get whatever you need done so you won't have to worry anymore. You can do it. If I can, you can. Believe me.

Suggestions that might make it easier:

When you make your appt, let the scheduler know that you had an anxiety episode last visit & request a double slot in case you feel anxiety again and need take things more slowly (they may not be able to accomodate a double slot with their computers). If they know, then they can help tho.

Second, can you take a pet/person with you?

Hi Dave,
I so understand your pain, the anxiety attacks. I, too, recommend joining a support system. You would be so surprised how many of us deal with this on a daily basis. Years ago I confided in a gal I volunteered with at my son's school. It seemed the floodgates opened. No, you are not alone.
I, too, am in the midst of doctor appt's. Just **** I ignored/numbed with my drinking. It's scary, I'm going anyway. Keep writing here Dave. You have my support and understanding too.

Sounds like a traumatic ER experience, I had one of those myself once. Ugh.

Actually, I'm about to set up an appointment with a GP (once I locate one!) for blood tests for nutritional deficiencies and whatever else they might find... so, I'm gonna chime in and say you CAN do it!! I totally agree with the others that if you set up the appt, you will be more in control than that ER experience where you panicked. Also, you can mention up front to the doctor and nurses about your fear/anxiety... I'm sure they will try to be accommodating. Just let them know you have some anxiety in situations like this... it might help to get it off your chest before going in there for the actual tests.

Good luck! You got this!

I get anxiety in medical places BAD, but its a part of life. You will be better this time, especially since you arent drinking. Drinking makes anxiety horrible. You arent screwed either! You have got to stop this negative talk about yourself. 3 months is AWESOME, and you should be proud. You can make new friends. I myself have struggled with losing all my party friends and now I spend a ton of time out of work on my own. Its not as scary as you think, and you get to know yourself pretty damn well. Plus, you found this site, which is always a help when you need it. Go to the doctor, get it over with, and you will feel better known you faced and conquered another fear.

I always find that the anticipation is worse than the actual truth. You got sober because you care about your self which includes your body. We care & will be here to walk you through it. I sometimes have to force myself to take action but never regret it. Take that step, make the appointment & get some peace of mind.