The consequences of my past drinking are making me want to drink
 

I am finding myself in a very sticky place. I have made some major mistakes in my life as a direct result of my past drinking. There is a lot of lingering guilt and shame about this. It makes me feel stupid, useless, inadequate...and a flurry of other non-supportive feelings. To a degree, these are deserved because it was my choices and actions that brought about the consequences. However, the discomfort these feelings cause drives me to want to drink.

I can see that this is simply my default reaction to stress and problems in my life. It is how I reacted for decades. However, it will not make any of the problems better or avoid creating more problems to add to the pile.

I would be very interested in how I can deal with these feeling while being sober. It just seems so overwhelming. I hope this makes some sense.

I came off a degenerate bender earlier this week. I don't recommend listening to the lies of your addicted brain. You won't feel better. You'll feel much much worse.

If you were happy and stress free that voice in your head would be telling you it's time to celebrate. He's an addict and a liar. Tell him "no".

Best of Luck!

If I were you, I'd start reading some books on guilt & shame... and understanding why and where it comes from. Brene Brown is great. She gave some TED Talks on shame and vulnerability. Highly recommended.

Also, individual therapy. It really helps to get out some of these feelings and beliefs. Pick a really good therapist though. Preferably one who has walked in your shoes, or similar shoes. My therapist is an adult child of an alcoholic, which is perfect for me because I'm an ACoA as well. And so she truly understands where I'm coming from.

There is a saying I learned at SMART Recovery... patience, practice, persistence. All those take time :)

Dealing with your feelings sober is exactly the thing to do. It can feel overwhelming. Group therapy in a 20 day IOP helped me get through a lot of the stuff that was really hurting me... then I found my therapist. I feel now that things aren't so overwhelming.

Good luck! Drinking will only prolong your miserable feelings, but you know this already.

I would like to end by saying that what you've described reminds me a lot of my mom, who was a lifelong alcoholic. Any time she'd get sober, she'd be so overwhelmed with all these feelings of guilt, shame, etc. Unfortunately, she decided to end her own life three years ago because of all the pain. She failed to see her options. Just don't ever let it go that far. It may sound harsh to say that, but I doubt she'd have considered suicide earlier in the game.

Ah there's the rub! I too think that's what sobriety is all about. Learning how to feel and deal with feelings. We drunks just pick up in reaction to well.. maybe everything. I think it's about learning tools and alternatives...learning how to cope...learning that we are ALL flawed humans who makes mistakes and hopefully..eventually..learn from them. I wholeheartedly agree with the OP who suggests you do some reading on shame. John Bradshaw has excellent work on the subject also. Getting to those ugly shame roots is crucial.

You are a beautiful and much needed human in this world community and there's no reason to kick yourself around when you just didn't know any better. You need support, information, coping mechanisms, love, guidance, time, healing, deep breaths, laughter and smiles, hugs....tools in the toolbox. Seek everything you need but stop kicking yourself....you're lovely.

A very simple way I look at it sometimes is this: All the problems/guilt/shame were caused by drinking. How can drinking again possibly make any of it better? I know that's not very deep or insigthful, but from a very basic logical standpoint, it would literally be the equivalent of smoking to help deal with your COPD or Emphysema. Or overeating to help lose weight. It's simply the exact opposite of what you know you should do.

ALL my problems/guilt/shame didn't come from drinking...it just added a million more to the stockpile I'd been collecting.

Sounds like you're in a "loop"- that is the problems which have arisen from drinking make you want to drink, which causes more problems, which leads to drinking, etc. How to get out of the vicious circle? Can you say that now you're fed up with all that, that you won't ride the merry go round any more, that you're ready for a new beginning, a rebirth of your true self. Often it takes something very dramatic to do this. Hitting bottom. It helps to do just what you're doing now, that is seeking the help of other recovering alcoholics.Both on this SR website and in some congenial group setting. You can make a break for it, one day at a time. Others have and you can too. This is a kind of slavery which has been self inflicted and you can escape from this by not drinking, one day at a time, or one hour at a time, if you have to do it that way. Deal with your shame and discouragement not by drinking but by telling other alcoholics how you feel. They feel bad too and they will understand. They will not criticize you. It's an illness and the way to deal with it is in your hands.

W.

the program of AA showed me the root of my problems and how to fix em.

I just try to focus on the unmanagebility/sustainability of how I was. I hear the scream/demand escape run nirvana if I slam some high octane bear. That stresses me out even more. Its just part of the process. Do some pushups, run meditate, a cbt worksheet; something that works for you to get through it. Were learning more effective coping mechanisms and it takes time especially with all the natural healing rewiring that going on on the biological level. Conventional wisdom seem to be 5 years for full recovery, but most are much better after a couple of months. Also working a more in depth program is key for the long term.

Hi Jazz,
I had such a mess and still have several to clean up. I remember being paralyzed on what to do to get out from under the weight of it all. I knew if I didn't do something I risked being right back where I started.

I wrote them all down. Every rotten thing. Then I collapsed with hopelessness that I would never get them squared away. Then I broke them down in to something I could attempt to manage and put them in buckets. Things I could face, things I maybe could face, and things I just wasn't ready to face. I started with the easiest. When I did a few, I found out I didn't melt into a puddle of goo. I felt a little better. I got a few under my belt and then started on the harder ones.

I'm not through them all yet but the list is shorter and not as scary anymore. I had to do something even if it wasn't perfect.

If I don't drink I don't create new ones to this list. If I keep working on the list they will eventually be resolved. Someday all I will have is just the difficult stuff of life everyone gets. That sounds okay to me.

Since I was a player creating them I have to be a player in cleaning them up. No way around it for me.

Everybody makes mistakes. I figure I might as well practice being good at solving them starting with the ones that I did when I wasn't at my best.

Just think how good we will be working on just the ones that are part of life when we are at our best???

Thanks to everybody for your responses. There is a lot to think about here.

This sounds great, but are you talking about making amends here, or something else? I'm not clear on what you mean by "did". Thanks so much!

I still struggle with the guilt and shame of all the stupid/mean stuff I did when I was drunk. I think it helps to remind yourself that it wasn't the real person who did those things. I know that I am not a bad person if alcohol is not involved. Stay sober and create good memories and new impressions on others.

Thanks for posting this jazzfish. I feel very much like you do. I was actually going to post a similar thread till I read this. Now I can use the responses for my benefit as well. Thanks everyone who responded.

Google "How to cope with guilt and shame"

Most of those were in the hardest to do bucket. Some are still in it. I found out that some people I hurt were pretty forgiving and all it took was a I'm so sorry I hurt you. Some people need some time. Some have moved on. I understand they don't trust me. I wouldn't trust me either. They need time to see my life has changed and I have changed. The nicest thing I can do for them is give it to them. If I owed somebody money, I apologized and gave them what I could. Even if it was only $5. I don't hide from stuff now which in turn doesn't make things worse mostly.

I have a couple of friends that were just scared when I quit because it felt to them they would be losing me. People are scared of change even when it is positive. I just had to show them that just because I don't drink it doesn't mean I don't care about them. I show them I do in ways that I can. They were not big drinkers like me but they enjoy the Friday relaxing with a bottle of wine. It's just not my thing anymore. I care about them but I also care about me so I take extra steps with them like call them more often but don't do the traditional Friday night ritual I used to do with them. They are adjusting just like me.

I don't know what collateral damage you have to clean up but for me, I just had to do my best at trying and accept that some folks need time or will move on. You don't know what the future holds. No one does. Do the right thing now and let it play out and accept it for what it is now. Keep focusing on how you want your life to be. Things will end up better in whatever better means. Sometimes we don't know that in advance. Probably most times.

The only difference between who you are and who you want to be is what you do.

Someone else's quote but I always loved that one. It reminds me that there really is no mystery in how to be a better me.

You will be okay. Keep your eye on the life you want and deserve. Do the right thing today and let tomorrow be what it will be. Rinse and repeat.

Perfect. Thanks for that. :)

The most rewarding fact in learning and
remaining sober or clean is that I don't
have to repeat or make the same mistakes
or actions TODAY like I did when I was under
the influence of alcohol.

TODAY is an awesome word to live by each
day I remain sober and has been for the past
22yrs. in recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY..!!

If I continue to live an open, honest life
each day applying the tools and knowledge
of a recovery program taught to me. Then
shame, remorse and guilt simply melt away
into a flowing stream of crystal, clean, sparkling
water. :)

It does make sense, this is the cycle of addiction. You use, you make mistakes, your confidence and self esteem go to crap, the fact you have no confidence or self esteem keeps you down and using.............the cycle carries on and on. Thats why this is such a horrible thing to overcome, because you have to get to a point where you say, enough is enough. I made mistakes, I am sorry, but I refuse to beat myself up about it anymore. I want a better life, I deserve a better life.................and I am willing to do whatever it takes. I can promise you this, as you heal and grow through recovery, you will get your confidence back, but you have to keep at it. It sucks at first and the addiction will SCREAM when you try and change, but it will get better in time. You have to give it time. Try thinking about the things you liked about you before alcohol took over, and really focus on those things. Who you are as an alcoholic is not who you are inside. Its the addiction, so its best not to dwell on the past or what you did. Sure, there will be things to come back and haunt you, but you can deal with them............with a clear head and with your head held high.

I think self awareness helps a lot. Drinking was my strategy for feeling uncomfortable too - but it's obviously not a tenable solution.

Too things helped me - firstly, accepting that feeling uncomfortable would not kill me, but also accepting whats done is done.

I can't do anything about yesterday, but I can do a lot about today.

I found the more good things I did with my new life the better I felt about myself, and the mistakes I made mattered a little less.

Give it a little time Jazzfish - and a little effort - don't go backwards - we underestimate ourselves I think - it comes from never solving anything...but we really can deal with anything if we give ourselves the chance to :)

you're not alone here either :)

D

Thanks everybody! These have all been very hopeful and inspiring posts. While it will take some time to accept that what's done is done, I can at least continue to stop adding to the pile. I will have faith that the uncomfortable feelings will eventually begin to resolve, and that in the meantime, to recognize that experiencing them won't kill me (and may even help me in the long run).