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5 Months Sober, I almost drank two nights ago

Old 06-06-2013, 09:32 AM
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5 Months Sober, I almost drank two nights ago

Hey all,

I am just over 5 months sober and I am severely depressed and lonely. I know that this is not abnormal but two days ago I almost convinced myself that taking that first drink would not be much of a problem. My justification was "people relapse all the time, I should be entitled to at least one relapse." Yea, insane. I managed to convince myself not to take the drink by looking up famous people that are recovering alcoholics. For some reason that made me feel better about my current standing. The deeper problem is that I am very depressed. In fact, I am so depressed that I have been sleeping my life away to avoid confronting my issues. I know that I am supposed to confront my problems but that is kind of complicated because I have no clue what the hell is wrong with me. A couple of months before my last drink I was abandoned by a girl I loved. She ended the relationship and I haven't talked to her since. I figured with time, I would get over her. I mean, I have had my heart broken before but for some reason the pain from the break up is just as fresh today as it was 8 months ago. On top of that, I have no motivation to be a productive human being. I manage to go to meetings probably once a week, I haven't talked to my sponsor in months because I feel he is too young to be a role model for me. I have been too nervous or shy to ask the people that I would actually want to sponsor me to do so at meetings. I can't approach people. I cant even talk to people sober or be around them for that matter without being overly anxious. I want to get better. I want to be productive and happy. I am tired of being depressed. If i have to live like this in sobriety, hell I don't see the point in staying sober.
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Old 06-06-2013, 09:37 AM
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to SR!

Great job avoiding drinking! You've come to a great place for support and advice! I know that others with much more experience than me will be by to lend a hand.

Hang in there - keep reaching out - and I know that things will get better!
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Old 06-06-2013, 09:42 AM
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Good job on not picking up TD. Have you ever spoken to a doctor or psychiatrist about your depression? Many times underlying psychological problems were factors in our drinking- and they don't go away when you quit drinking. AA/SR are great for recovery, but depression ( if clinical ) is a health issue and should be assessed by a health professional

You have come a long way, 5 months is great! Don't let an underlying condition drag you back into the cycle of drinking to escape it - because you already know what the result will be.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:02 AM
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Aww..you sound sooo defeated. I agree with Scott there could be way more to this. Losing love is very hard and we can hang on too the pain torch far too long than necessary. I know I did in the past and thats when my drinking really started getting out of hand. I self medicated with alcohol because the pain was blinding. I was much younger then and didn't believe in helping hands like therapy and antidepressants. Sure wish I had or maybe I wouldn't be on this forum today. In hindsight I really wish I had gotten professional help when I was much younger. Years have been wasted that perhaps didn't need to be. If your gut is telling you an older sponsor is what you need..that's what you need. I wish you strength in getting up the gumption to ask someone you think would be helpful. In the meantime..stay close around here because you're needed. I'm glad I read your post today...it helps me too
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:03 AM
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Thanks for the replies. I went to see someone through my school and he was basically just a grad student trying to get experience in the field. He did not tell me anything, he just said "I seem to know that I have problems." No ****. So if AA can't help me I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can keep avoiding alcohol, but where does that lead. I don't want to take medication for depression either because I know that will just lead me to drink. I don't know, I really don't know what to do at this point in my life.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by TypicalDrunk View Post
I don't want to take medication for depression either because I know that will just lead me to drink. I don't know, I really don't know what to do at this point in my life.
See if there is a professional counselor you can talk to at an actual clinic. Depression can be treated without drugs in many cases.

Finding your direction in life will come much easier once you can clear your head and move forward.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:16 AM
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Hi there, welcome to SR.

There are many options for you. I can very much relate to what you're saying about the depression and the anxiety around others.

This is what I did: I checked into a 20 day IOP group therapy program to get myself out of isolation and around others. I think it was the best decision I could have made! I'm now doing a combination of continuing care group once per week, individual therapy biweekly, AA, SMART, Women For Sobriety, and SR. I do online meetings daily but I make sure to do a f2f at least twice every week to get around others.

And as for the sponsor... I felt exactly the same about the age/experience level. So, I went down the list for female sponsors and deliberately selected a name I though an older lady would have (call me ageist, lol) but it worked.... I've ended up by randomly selecting from a list the best sponsor I could have ever asked for... she is older, wiser, very smart, and came from an agnostic background and she is well educated, etc. so she had my respect immediately... and she treats me like an adult and is not overbearing at all. So... all that to say: you can maneuver yourself out of this negative place and into something much better!

Good luck!
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by SoberJennie View Post

And as for the sponsor... I felt exactly the same about the age/experience level. So, I went down the list for female sponsors and deliberately selected a name I though an older lady would have (call me ageist, lol) but it worked.... I've ended up by randomly selecting from a list the best sponsor I could have ever asked for... she is older, wiser, very smart, and came from an agnostic background and she is well educated, etc. so she had my respect immediately... and she treats me like an adult and is not overbearing at all
Thanks for the response. I am a little confused as to what list you are talking about? The meetings I go to don't offer a list of sponsors, whoever is willing to sponsor just raises their hand at the end of the meeting and newcomers are supposed to go speak to them. And are online meetings provided via this website?
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:27 AM
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Why do you think antidepressants will make you drink? Do you know that as a fact or is that a presumption? If its a presumption, where would you be without it? You would have one "possible" solution. You need to talk with someone you respect. Soberjennie has some excellent advice above. You need to seek solutions. We need to fight our way out of the darkness I think.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:33 AM
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Re

Originally Posted by Nuudawn View Post
Why do you think antidepressants will make you drink?
Because they affect chemical balances in the brain which technically is mind altering. I can see myself abusing anything the alters my perception which will ultimately lead me right back to my favorite demon, alcohol. On top of that, I don't want to have to live life by means of medication. If I am going to do that I will just stick with my previously prescribed poison.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by TypicalDrunk View Post
Thanks for the response. I am a little confused as to what list you are talking about? The meetings I go to don't offer a list of sponsors, whoever is willing to sponsor just raises their hand at the end of the meeting and newcomers are supposed to go speak to them. And are online meetings provided via this website?
They keep lists of sponsors in the meetings. The first night I went, I asked for the literature... the big book, 12&12, etc. and they gave me a list of female names with numbers. Just ask someone there. I'm sure they'll point you in the right direction. I'm wondering if they only have lists for the females?? Since AA is so male dominated, it would make sense. But... another idea is to watch who raises their hand and then maybe follow them outside once they are away from the crowd, then let them know you need a sponsor.

As for online meetings... to be honest, I get more as far as education and tools from SMART, Women For Sobriety, and SR... so I don't try to go to online AA meetings much. I'm agnostic and so it's still odd for me to hear some of the things they say. But I go to AA face-to-face only to get myself around others and out of isolation mode... it's just for fellowship even though I don't agree with some of their ideas. Sound silly but it works And the less they know the better... I only have to show willingness and desire to stay sober and they can't argue with that
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:51 AM
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RE all

I see. Well I guess I will pull myself together and give sobriety another day. I wish somebody had any answer for me other than seeing a professional. In the beginning the problem was alcohol and the solution was sobriety and AA. Now the problem is depression and the solution is medical professional help. Whats next? The problem is not wanting to live anymore and the solution is a 9mm? There has to be a way to circumnavigate this dark period of my life. I know that I can be happy, I just don't know how.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:53 AM
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Originally Posted by TypicalDrunk View Post
I wish somebody had any answer for me other than seeing a professional. In the beginning the problem was alcohol and the solution was sobriety and AA. Now the problem is depression and the solution is medical professional help. Whats next? The problem is not wanting to live anymore and the solution is a 9mm? There has to be a way to circumnavigate this dark period of my life. I know that I can be happy, I just don't know how.
The point is you have options. Not just AA. Not just a professional. And a 9mm isn't a very good option.

Try to see all your options. That's my best suggestion. And don't assume lack of money will prevent any of these from happening. There are ways around it.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:54 AM
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Hi

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum. I got sober in January too. We, Januarians have our own thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4000190
I hope you will join us, we help and support each other. It s a great team.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:59 AM
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I have actually done extensive reading/research on addiction and brain chemistry. There are natural alternatives to boost likely deficient neurotransmitter function. I'm going to take a stab at it and guess you're difficulties lie in deficiencies with dopamine or serotonin or some combination of the two. You may want to go to a health food store and talk to someone about 5-HTP, gaba, l-tyrosine etc..or perhaps just some sort of amino acid blend..if you're wishing to avoid pharmaceutical answers...

There is no doubt that there is a physiological component that needs to be addressed here....simply put, the pistons either aren't firing right or the receivers ain't catching. This can also be addressed nutritionally...and physical exercise helps tremendously. Get some sun. Run some miles/kms, watch funny shows...there are many alternatives but first and foremost I believe you need people to talk to...and here you are.
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Old 06-06-2013, 11:00 AM
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There are MANY answers...it's the follow through that trips us (me) up...
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Old 06-06-2013, 11:03 AM
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Nuudawn, I'm right there with you regarding the brain chemistry & nutrition angle! Dopamine and all those chemicals have lots to do with being in the trap and finding it hard to get out. There are some really good books that address alcoholism and correcting it from the nutrition standpoint. Just going to take time to balance the neurotransmitters, but conscious choices in foods, supplements, exercise can speed things along. I'm doing just that.
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Old 06-06-2013, 11:20 AM
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Nutrition and physical activity makes some sense. I say this because when I am in a slump I find it hard to eat. I don't know. I do understand that there are options and I appreciate you guys making me aware of that. I am only 24 years old, I don't understand why I can't enjoy and appreciate life. Well, I guess I am going to pray for the best and hope to stay sober.
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Old 06-06-2013, 11:23 AM
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Wish I could help more... you being 24 really makes me wanna help you! I first got sober in my mid-late 20's. Wish it had lasted. Would have given me 8 more years of sobriety I can't go and get back.

Just keep seeking to educate yourself on your addiction. Try not to downplay or minimize or rationalize... hoping for the best sounds good, but acting and doing is way better.
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Old 06-06-2013, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by SoberJennie View Post
Just keep seeking to educate yourself on your addiction. Try not to downplay or minimize or rationalize... hoping for the best sounds good, but acting and doing is way better.
I will try my best to take action whatever that might be. I will look into professional help also. I am a college student so I hope I can figure out a way to do it that's free. My school offers some forms of therapy but like i mentioned previously, the people I would talk to are just grad students in training. I want an experienced Dr. if I am going to take that route.
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