part of me
 

Part of me...is excited it is almost Friday night.. Sigh. Always the night it is "okay" to drink. Sick of these cycles....saying I'm not gonna drink and the closer forefathers the more I try to say hey....just one night. You won't drink on Saturday just Friday. And it turns into every night until it's Wed the next week and you say hey it's almost the weekend anyways might as well finish this week and start over on Sunday.

I didn't buy any vodka last weekend and ran out. Said Sunday I was not going to drink....found myself drinking an old bottle I found in the garage and when that ran out I drank all the liquors in the cabinet. Super....I haven't drank since then but everyday closer to the weekend I'm talking myself into and the back out of getting a bottle and just relaxing.

What do I need more willpower? I feel like I don't want to...it sad to think never again can I drink. I like to drink. I know I'm being childish but ugh. How do I flip the switch. it feels like saying you can never wear shoes again....I know spending this much time thinking about this is just one more sign that I can't drink anymore. But we're can I find the push to shut up that voice.

I disagree. Wearing shoes won't kill you or cause accidents or health problems.


As long as drinking is still an option, you'll still drink. I used to like to drink too... until I didn't like it anymore.:(


I hope you can find the support you need to stop this madness before it stops you.

I have that voice, too. I'd make him shut up if I could. Deceitful cuss. Unfortunately, he can't be muzzled in a day. He must be starved into submission. It's the only way.

In the meantime, I am working on my "NO". I have to hear that sumbeach, but I don't have to do anything he says.

Good Luck!

You might not shut the voice up, but you don't have to listen to it. That's on you. That's where the willpower comes in--choosing not to act on what your brain is telling you that you want do, which is drink. You may not be able to control what happens after the first drink, but not taking it you on you.

Look up AVRT. Might help.

Thanks..sorry for being a huge whiner. I am at war with the two voices in my head and I feel like I am on both of their sides. I wish I was at a point where I didn't want to anymore. I don't want to want it? I feel like even if I make it through this weekend I will be fighting this same battle week after week and I hate it.

I did look at the AVRT...looks good especially since I can't really get to a meeting anywhere right now. I want to be empowered but I just feel like...angry? Lost....maybe just overwhelmed.

I didn't really mean alcohol was like shoes...I meant that if I couldn't wear shoes tomorrow I would make it....and I could do it the next day but sooner or later I am gonna want to put some shoes on. And I need my brain to stop thinking of alcohol like shoes and think of it like...nailing my head to the carpet. I need to get there.

Thanks again. I need to get over the pity party and lock it up.

I would say that the two voices in my head are at war with each other. One is the me who wants to stop wanting it. The other is an addict who tells me I will always want it so I might as well not fight it.

That one is a liar who will tell me anything to get what it wants - and all it wants is alcohol. It's a child who wants candy and can't understand why it can't have more. It has no real power, just a voice, so it tells me anything it thinks will get it more alcohol. It whines, begs, negotiates, promises, threatens, ridicules, chastises, demeans, and throws tantrums.

It's a liar.

I have to stop listening to its lies.

Tell it "NO". We can do this.

AVRT really helps me. Keep posting and reading.

Hi Ananias

For me accepting that I could not drink again was the hardest part of sobriety. But the funny thing is that now I really really enjoy sobriety and it doesn't feel like any kind of sacrifice now (apart from on the odd occasion, and that's always short-lived).

Hmm...becoming clearer. It is just a decision. One I get to make. Just to make the right one and stick with it. It seems so simple but here I am still struggling.

But I think I see, once I make the decision that is my solid ground. That is how I say no. The more I read and think and search the less I want to drink this weekend. And the more that happens the more I feel it...pushing telling me one more time, lets just try. Or enjoy it one more time. I need to clear my head and find my footing.

Did you guys read the books on AVRT or just go off the website? I see there is more than one book so which did you start with. Thank God for online ordering.

I just did the website and it set the proper thoughts in motion. At this time, I could not spend the money on the books and seminars, but learned alot just be reading.

Good luck and keep trying.

the most helpful thing for me was realizing what that voice is. That it isn't the rational me that has my best interests at heart, it is the alcoholic me that wants only one thing. When I first started getting sober I wore a rubber band around my wrist. Whenever that voice would start talking I would snap the rubber band. It was a reminder to refocus and think about something else, take a walk, turn on some loud music, whatever I needed to do until the voice shut up.

oh, another thing that helps me....I wrote down all of the things I had ever done while drinking (ha! that I could remember). All the bad decisions, people hurt/betrayed, whatever. Then when that voice starts telling me that one more night of drinking wouldn't hurt I read my list. Really helps me put things in perspective.

It sounds like you havent reached the stage where you want it bad enough or are willing to stand up and force yourself to make a change. I try and be supportive on here, but you are pretty consumed with wanting to drink again. Its a choice only you can make! You either want to change your life or you dont.

Never start saying I will never do something, this or that, EVER again...........instead try saying I will not drink today, and do something else to challenge yourself. Getting sober isnt just setting the bottle down, its a whole new way of life and learning how to deal with life in general with a clear head and open mind.Its a lot of personal reflection and personal growth that I believe, makes you a much more well rounded person with a sense of self that in unparalleled. Its not easy, but its one of the most worthwhile things I have ever experienced in my life. The differences are so profound, I had no idea when I first started.

So you have to ask yourself if you are ready to go all in on changing your entire world by getting sober, or if you aren't quite there yet. Then, and only then, can you decide to get the ball rolling and making changes. You have to be super proactive, but I can attest that its worth it. Its really up to you.

I did a list too. Something about seeing it on paper makes it that much more real. Good post!

Awesome advice!!! I couldnt agree more.

That annoying voice that tells you to give in because its inevitable or that you wont make it forever without alcohol is just the nasty demon addiction talking. The more you shut it down and overrule it, the weaker it gets. Weaker and weaker, until its barely noticeable. Of course, always keep your guard up because as soon as you get too comfy, it likes to come back and rear its ugly head again or play tricks by telling you" maybe things weren't that bad"," maybe you weren't addicted after all", "why not just 1 lil drink, since you clearly are now in control?". Then you are right back where you started and the cycle starts over. Always stay guarded. Eventually you learn to differentiate between your own feelings, thoughts, and emotions and those that are being fueled by your addict side. It takes time though.

This is kinda what I was saying...I guess I am not there yet...but without sounding dumb how do I get there. I am going to make some lists; that was a good idea.

I know it isn't easy and I feel like I am getting more solid in my decision. I know there isn't a magic wand. I know I am not in all the way and am in my head all day trying to get there while that crap part of me says no stay here where its comfy...bull. I guess it is ambitious to think I won't ever drink again but I feel like saying yes I am sober now right now is...preemptive? Just trying to build my resolve. I'll get there.

Thanks for your honesty.

Yes some lists will help. I think I need to separate the ugly voice and the voice of reason. Looking at the AVRT books as well. Thanks guys, I need to get out of my own head. All I am doing is telling myself why I can't do it...not helpful.