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My son's ADHD is my trigger - or is it my (lack of) parenting skills ?!!!



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My son's ADHD is my trigger - or is it my (lack of) parenting skills ?!!!

Old 06-05-2013, 09:58 AM
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My son's ADHD is my trigger - or is it my (lack of) parenting skills ?!!!

Hi, I was doing sooo well today - felt very positive, got loads of things done - really felt good. At 5pm I had a VERY important work call with a company in the US with whom I have done lots of work.. I think they were going to offer me another contract which I desperately need (I am self employed and have to take work where I can get it - I have a good reputation in my field and need to keep it that way). I was all prepared to receive their skype call and then, at 4.50pm, my 13 year old son came home from school - tired (I totally acknowledge that is reasonable as he had exams) and grumpy but wanting to use his Playstation (which I allow for a chill out period after school and before homework). He has SEVERE ADHD and does not 'do' calm reasoning. My computer is opposite where he plays Playstation and I asked him not to play for the duration of the call (because not only would they see a kid playing video games on the Skype video which is not very professional but the noise drives you insane). This request set him off on one and he ended up hiding my mouse and switching my machine off at the mains, throwing my keyboard around etc ..I reasoned, argued that I need to make the call to get us money to live (I am the sole breadwinner) and that he was messing up my professional reputation (which is very good). I could see the frustration venting (on my side too by now) as he was having none of it so I went outside and walked around (it was now c 5.20pm). Result I missed the call which, as I say had been scheduled for 5pm. By 5.30pm things were calm enough so I could Skype but by that time my contact said she was 'in another meeting'.. so I have effectively lost the chance to pitch for work and am probably seen as flaky and unreliable by a company who is well respected and connected. My son is oblivious ..I am now in tears and about to dive into a bottle of wine which won't help anything but I feel my parenting skills and professional reputation are now both rubbish :-(

I can't say in all honesty that he is my trigger (I love him to bits in reality)but the way I handle the ADHD episodes just never seems to be right and in this case has probably cost me professionally .. and I hold my job/reputation very dear and am damn good at it ! :-( Now I have to put in place a series of sanctions, confiscations (eg no playstation) but I am so exhausted by it I can't be bothered right now (which will just make things worse). Sorry to vent. Anyone got the easy answer to parenting teens ??-)
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Old 06-05-2013, 10:05 AM
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Hi, Icandothis.

Sorry about what's happened.

Though I have no kids of my own, I think there's no easy answer to parenting teens.

Can you arrange your computer in some other room so your son won't mess up with your work? Do you see a doctor about his ADHD?

Anyway, you are right, drinking won't solve anything.

I don't think one missed call would ruin your good reputation. Don't beat yourself about it.

Take a deep breath, go for a walk. Then look at the situation with a cooler head and the solution will come.

Best wishes to you)
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Old 06-05-2013, 10:59 AM
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Drinking won't help the situation. You know that. Is it possible to get counseling for yourself to help deal with your child?
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Old 06-05-2013, 11:04 AM
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Glad you came here to vent! Don't feel bad - I'm sure that no lasting harm as been done.

As for easy answers to parenting teens - none LOL! My kids don't have ADHD so I can't speak directly to that but, I do work full-time+ and always have my kids with me.

It can be challenging!!!! I know!

In order to get work done I've always addressed - first - how to handle the kids. We have to expect them to have bad days and unexpected issues. I've always found it easier for me to work around their schedule and needs (as much as possible) than the other way around.

If you have flexibility in your office set up - separating your work area from the rest of the house would be wonderful. Kids are noisy and there is no way around that - at least that I've found so far. If you don't have that ability maybe you could at least move the computer so that he isn't in the background on Skype calls. Then bargain with him if he is quiet/tv muted while you're on phone calls. If he does that then he ...?? - figure out what motivates him to behave and have it agreed upon ahead of time.

The other thing that saves us is routine. I don't know if you have the ability to have a set a routine but, it certainly helps us! Once the kids know what the schedule is (and that it is consistent), their expectations will adjust. It will take a while but it is worth it.

I also try to 'reward' them as they adjust to changes - doesn't have to be a thing - could just be an activity, time etc... but it does work to reinforce. I found that works better than taking things away (esp. things that I really rely on to help to occupy them in times of crisis or important phone calls).

Perhaps you can send a letter/email to your contact explaining that you had an unavoidable family situation and suggest a follow up meeting time. I bet they understand - we all have family issues That is a universal fact I think.

Hang in there and find a way to treat yourself tonight - a movie/tv show, a yummy desert and a good cup of coffee always works for me!!



p.s. best 'punishment' I've found so far is having kids write sentences - positive sentences that reinforce the good behavior you're looking for.
i.e. I always obey my mom, especially when she is on an important telephone call. Sounds kinda corny but it does work! Kids do not like to write over and over.
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Old 06-05-2013, 12:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Icandothis2013 View Post
I can't say in all honesty that he is my trigger (I love him to bits in reality)but the way I handle the ADHD episodes just never seems to be right and in this case has probably cost me professionally .. and I hold my job/reputation very dear and am damn good at it ! :-( Now I have to put in place a series of sanctions, confiscations (eg no playstation) but I am so exhausted by it I can't be bothered right now (which will just make things worse). Sorry to vent. Anyone got the easy answer to parenting teens ??-)
Hello Icandothis2013,

I can relate to the trigger thingy ;-) And as I'm sure you know we create these triggers or should I say choose to allow them to exist.

Your post reminded me of my younger son and his love for video games. I also recall him acting out in similar fashion when he didn't get his way.

We helped him slowly by teaching him that there are consequences to our choices. The consequences to our choices are usually not very comfortable. In teaching him over the years he understands this and it has helped him and us ;-).

The funny thing about relationships is that they are a two way street.

The words that come to mind for me at this moment are: boundaries, respect, accountability just to name a few.

In regards to making that deep down choice to stop drinking it was grueling for me too at first but it gets better.

There are many dimensions to this forum, so explore and continue to share. When we share from our heart it helps everyone.

Love,

CS
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:07 PM
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I am sorry you are having a rough day.

My son has ADHD and he never did any of the kind of things you mentioned. I know you said he has severe ADHD so maybe that is the difference, I don't know.

He would have never messed with my computer much less throw a keyboard.

It sounds more like he is pushing your buttons and in the end it worked if he was allowed to do what he wanted.
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Old 06-05-2013, 01:12 PM
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My Son

My son has ADHD and Aspergers and I know the routine is what he thrives on. If I'm 10 minutes early or 5 minutes late with something he expects it can be a nightmare. For me it's not so much a trigger as a routine that allowed me to get into a drinking routine too. I don't know what medication your child might have been prescribed, but it sounds like it's time to talk to his dr about what you're experiencing and also talk to your doctor about what you're experiencing.
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