jstar

This is me:

I did exactly what i didn't want to do...I drank on Sunday. Of course I made the decision myself. ..I rationalized it like I always have. I've been about a month and a half off my anti depression meds and just had that nagging thought in the back of my mind that I was sure the only reason I was blacking out before when I was drinking was because of the meds...

Oh the lies....

I was so wrong and now I sit here having thrown away another good stretch of sobriety. Well 4 months isn't that long in the big picture but this time it was the longest I've ever been sober. I'm just thoroughly disappointed with myself. It just wasn't worth it. I DID blackout...called & texted people. ..rambled on Facebook. ..had a 20 minute conversation with my sponsor and apparently agreed to let her start working for me the following day....and called an AA friend trying to get her to take me to the casino! ! I am thankful however that I didn't do anything really stupid. I'm grateful I didn't get behind the wheel.

My AA friends 12 stepped me. Picked me up and hung out with me for hours. I am so embarrassed. More than words can express.

I've been to 4 meetings since Monday. I feel like a damn fool raising my hand again as a newcomer. My AA Big Book has September 2011 written into the cover...written by me. This cycle of madness has to stop.

Thank you for listening to this crazy alcoholic

Dee74

I'm just glad you're back jstar

D

Nonsensical

Welcome back. I took an epic face plant myself this past weekend. It was foolish, but the damage is now contained and progress is imminent.

Let's walk the walk back into the sunlight. I'm ready.

venuscat

jstar ~ we're alcoholics. This is a constant fight. I know you don't feel so great right now, but you are still waging the battle; that's a really good thing.

So glad you are here ♥

Love Venus xx

Torso

If 4 months was your longest, make it your goal to reach that milestone again, then carry on going!

You can do it!

Nighthawk8820

All this pride you have will totally get in your way. So what if you have to raise your hand as a newcomer again? There is no limits on how many attempts you can use, as long as you are trying.

An addicts brain is a well crafted machine when it comes to rationalizations. Try not beat yourself up too much and look at it as a learning experience. You just dust yourself off and give it another go.

least

Welcome back! Glad you're giving it another go.

jstar

What a great way to put it I'm ready too

ersatzmatriarch

hey jstar...

please don't beat yourself up. and maybe try not to think of the four sober months as 'wasted time'... you will never lose that time. you can pick up from here and build on the good work you've already done.

sending you an extra dose of good thoughts today...

jstar

I never really thought of it as "pride"...wow...you are totally right. All these years of AA and I always thought that I was really without much pride. But I am having a light bulb moment right now and can see where in other areas of my recovery that is exactly my problem. I've had a ton of really bad consequences to my drinking but none that have cost me the big "yets" that a lot of people get here from experiencing like loss of house, car, husband, family, job. I've felt in a way above it...if that makes any sense. I'm sure if I continue on this way my "yets" are just waiting for me. I think I'm feeling a new found desire to want this now, not when my life goes to complete shambles. My husband has been loving and patient with me. Time to swallow that "pride" and get on with it then.

Thank you for pointing that out.

jkb

Thanks for posting this. It sounds like you know what you need to do... "get back on the horse" so to speak. And hey 4 months sober is awesome.

PeppyGirl

Jstar,

Congratulations to you for picking up the pieces and starting over! I have slipped more times that I care to count. The point is that we are always willing to get back on the horse.

Even though you are embarrassed that you AA friends 12th stepped you, they are your support system and care about you. I am proud of you for your perseverance. You can't do anything about what happened yesterday but you can change what you do today. Take care of yourself. Hugs, PG

Hevyn

Hi jstar. You didn't lose the four months. They still happened & nothing can take that away. You've learned something through this. (I stumbled many times over the years & each time I was getting closer to quitting - I just didn't realize it.) Proud of you for getting back on track and moving forward.....