thekl0wn

Bare with me... I know it's wordy. I have issues being terse. However, I couldn't find a support forum for that, so I'm just going to deal with this problem for now. Anyway, on to the background/story.

The decision has been made to say screw the drinking. Right now in my life I've got a LOT going on and a LOT going for me. I've always been the "Good Time Charlie" type of drinker... Always with the goofy grin, quick with a joke, and a contagious laugh. All of that is true. Or at least for the parts of the nights I remember. Then there were the parts where I was told what I did... While still a very content drunk, I went from being funny to being a complete jackass.

Throughout my teens and early 20's, I was content with this. I embraced the moniker many of my friends dubbed me with: "the clown". This was partly because I've always been goofy, but mainly because I'm basically a 1-ring circus when drunk. Getting into mid-to-late 20's, I started admitting to myself that I had a problem... I drank... I drank too much... I drank and had issues with finding a good stopping point. Even in the high school years, I had issues with pacing, and it never really improved.

Notable mention in the early 20's... Horrific wreck, high BAC, and a DUI. My first encounter with AA. Something that helped me keep it in check, so I kept drinking "responsibly", but I stopped going, and the internal struggle returned.

Approaching 30, I started freaking out a bit. I wasn't 21 anymore, but I was hellbent on proving I could keep up. Going out with my interns, and showing the frat boys that the "old man" could keep up and keep on after they threw in the towel. I'm assuming everything after 10pm was fun... It was just an ego boost to hear them say, "Dude, you were the last one drinking." Yeah... Something to be proud of. (sarcasm) Responsibility started slipping... Fast.

Over the past year or two, I've been internally coming to terms that I have a flaw. Thought about quitting... And even started noticing what was causing the mild depression and what really triggered bad blackouts. It was when talking with friends/others about successful people... Something I've had in my head since I was little bitty that I'm destined for, but am nowhere close to achieving.

Like so many others' stories I've read/heard, I thought I had the drinking under control. I justified it that I wasn't hurting anyone else. And if you can't tell, I have a bit of an ego, but one of the things I've always prided myself on was that I don't hurt others.

This past Saturday night, a large group of friends went out for a buddy's 30th. Night started off great... large group of close friends eating out with no kids, and then a trip to our old bar that we visited in town. My pep talk was working... Until we got to talking about someone who was younger than us whose business was doing very well... which is the last thing I remember. During this discussion, I inadvertently started drinking from the pitcher. According to my girlfriend, that's when my mood changed as well... I had a spiteful tinge to my words, especially to her. And then I started making rude/crude comments to/about the younger girls in the bar. And when confronted about this, I began to explain to my girlfriend that she was no fun, needed to loosen up, and should stop being a buzzkill. (she's none of the above... she's awesome. She's just not a big drinker)

Sunday morning, I found myself alone in bed... Later, she asked what I remembered from the night before, and proceeded to tell me everything that occurred the night before. She wasn't amused, and without saying in so many words that things weren't going to work out if I continued on... And that's when I lost it. I tried so hard the night before to be the fun, respectable, and responsible guy I pride myself on being... When in fact, I'd hurt her. I didn't mean to shift the topic away from me hurting her, but I opened up and told her all my fears about my drinking issues and about how scared I was about it. And it felt good. Real good. Like the giant elephant in the room had FINALLY been identified. And at that moment, it clicked. I'm done with it.

At this point, I'm not strong enough to admit it to my friends... and since all encounters involve at least some form of it, it would be noticeable. But just admitting to it, sharing it with someone, and attending an AA meeting has me feeling much better. I'm also kind of... I don't know how to put it in words... excited(?) about telling my parents. Almost like I can start to make some amends to all the crap I've put them through over the years. I seriously hope this isn't some kind of beginner's high. 3 days sober, and looking to earn a stack of chips.

peanut44

It doesn't have to be a beginner's high


Sounds to me like you want to be done with the drinking. It is sooooo liberating to get it off your chest isn't it.

I think you're off to a great start. Congratulations!!!!

And welcome to SR

thekl0wn

Thanks. Looks like a great forum. Over the past few days, I've been Googling a lot of items related to recovery, and SR has always turned up answers. Figure I should join... If nothing else, it's accountability to stay sober. But it looks to be a great site.

And yes... VERY liberating!

LadyinBC

Welcome to SR! Congrats on deciding to quit drinking and congrats on 3 days sober. You will not be sorry.

You are not obligated to tell anyone unless you choose to. You will find lots of support and help here!

LadyinBC

This site is actually on of the best forums I have ever joined.

BarbieKen

Hi,
I hear your excitement, the secret coming out, the burden physically lifting. I felt SOOOO relieved when I finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. Till then, I was a "problem" drinker. Yet, I, too was blacking out nightly. Etc, etc...
Regarding 'telling' on myself .... I took the approach of no more secrets....besides I figured that the only one who didn't know I was a drunk was me. A cliche, but very true in my case.
Welcome. ( I'm new to posting here too, but have been reading for months).

least

Yes it is very liberating to finally admit our problems. I've been living sober over three years now and am so glad I quit drinking. Just wish I'd done it sooner.

I'm glad you found us and joined the family!

thekl0wn

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone.

Quick question: What's the thought on faking/fibbing about a sickness/illness in the beginning for the reason I'm not drinking when around friends? I know it sounds silly, but to cope with everything, I feel it will be easier. My absence of a beer in-hand will be noticed around friends, and I personally don't feel strong enough to own up to them yet or deal with any questioning. (as if they don't know I have a drinking problem) I have bad allergies, so I could always state that my current meds don't mix well with beer. I like to plan things out and have backup plans.

Taking5

In my experience your real friends won't care. Your friends that also have a drinking problem - we tend to hang out with other drunks ya know - can make this tough, because you quitting makes them question their own drinking habits, and many of them aren't ready to do this yet.

thekl0wn

We recently had a friend who was a marine doing door-to-doors in Falujah, who quit drinking... And the group has been very supportive of this. Not that I doubt them, but it's more my internal struggle right now. While it's been refreshing to get the cat out of the bag, I don't know that I'm full-on ready to own up to it to them.

But yes... We've always been a large group of drunks. A close group of drunks since, oh, about preschool. (OK, so we didn't get drunk in preschool... that developed about 10 years later)

Pedro1234

Welcome theklown- My friends all think i am on a fitness kick for the last 2 months. I am going to change that to "enjoying not drinking and going for a 1 year milestone". Whatever works for you is fine if it buys you some time and helps you stay sober. Good luck you are doing the right thing

melissa6381

Hey, and welcome. I was also a black out party drinker. I recommend finding your class on here (for example I quit in feb 2013 so that's my class) building a virtual support system for myself on here has been the most important piece of my four month sobriety. Good luck!

thekl0wn

Oooh... Good point. I've always been a runner, but kind of fallen off that wagon recently. I have to start busting it anyway to for half marathon prep this fall. Great intro to the no-drinking! Thanks for the idea!

applecake

Hi Klown! Welcome to SR! What a well-written, honest story!

As Lady said above, you don't have to tell anyone what you're up to. You can if you want, but there's no moral obligation there.

I needed to isolate a bit when I was first sobering up because alcohol was a constant presence at all the social events in my circle. However, now I just make sure that I have the drink of my choice in my hand and politely but firmly decline whatever is being passed around. If it gets too dicey, I go home.

Dee74

some great advice here already thekl0wn

welcome to SR

D

ImperfectlyMe

Theklown welcome.... Firstly on the high of being newly sober I too had that. It doesn't have to fade away! At two months I still have the excitement of being sober. Alot of this experience whether you look at it as a life sentence or an awakening is in how you think. You seem like a rational and goal driven guy..... Maje yourself a goal list and watch how rewarding it is to check them off. You stated you have a bit if an ego.... That's is a GREAT thing to have in sobriety. Use that ego to not let failure be an option.

Get back to running. I was always a runner hell I was running literally and emotionally. Start training for something small a 5k.

As far as telling your friends about not drinking.... Don't you don't have to white lies are perfectly fine In this situation. If you have to make up a glorified story where you come out looking like a super hero. do what you have to do.

This can be your greatest success. Keep reading and posting there is so much to learn and teacher.

Best of luck

Lionhearted1

I also have a big ego and have judged myself on how much money I make what car iam driving and how well my businesses are doing and how many people I employ! I remember if I was out and drinking and someone would mention someone else doing better I would feel this rage inside me and I would drink more and then start with the vile comments of pure jealousy. To me all that stuff is related to my alcoholism.

I now am content with what I have and thank god everyday for the blessings I have! stick with it things will get better!

Good luck .

barry8886

Hi there,

I have similar party drinking habits too and have made a decision, like you to walk away from it. I've decided I am going to tell some people and keep it from others and use the old health excuse. It may not be 100% honest, but at this point, I couldn't really care less. Time to put my sanity above my social status.

ersatzmatriarch

hi klown...

just wanted to pop by and say welcome! SR is wonderful, as i'm sure you've begun to see already by the great responses to your honest and thoughtful post.

sending you thoughts of peace as you begin this part of your journey!

venuscat

Welcome from me too....in my experience, the 'beginner's high' doesn't have to dissipate as long as you keep putting in the work!!

Understand the sense of freedom....all the best to you!!!

Love Venus xx