Pandabubbles is new and heres where hes ar
 

Panda bubbles (Moi) is new to this site and wanted to post his situation now for guidance and to have a post to look back at.

31 now. My life fell apart about 3 years ago. I lost my mum to cancer. Long drawn out battle where everything just went wrong. Thats cancer though... Anyway at that stage I had a girlfriend of 4 years or so and we lived together. I had a small close friendship group. My dad lives in Singapore and I'm an only child in Melbourne AU. Over the course of the next year I had a massive fall out with said friendship group. A third party got involved, my best friends mum, an evil witch with previous jail time. She manipulated the whole situation for own good. Anyway enough about her. I did treat people poorly and in retrospect had for a long time.

Thing is now I've been unemployed for 3 years, have Major Depression, GAD and ADHD. I've tried every antidepressant and Ritalin is the only thing that has ever helped. I live alone with 2 dogs. I tried to go back to Uni to do a masters in creative writing but after 6 weeks of enjoyment my enthusiasm just died. It's a repeating thing with me. So now I drink 1-2 bottles of red wine a day, take 60mg Ritalin or 120mg every second day because I binge. Take 5-8 mg of Xanax, 2mg Clonazapam and 30mg of Mirtazipine at night. Smoke a pack and a half a day now. Smoke synthetic Weed every 2nd day. It's a mess and its been much like this for the last 3 years. The xanax comes and goes. Sometimes I don't take it for months and go through some widthdrawal do more doctor shopping and take lots of Valium instead.

I know I need to change. I want to change but I have no friends or family. I need to do a detox and a rehab just to break the cycle and be around people again. I just don't know where to start because most rehabs are abstinence based and my benzo tollerance means that I can't just get off them in a week-10 days. Then there's the Ritalin. They will probably not allow this either nor the 2-4mg Clonazapam that I am actually prescribed by a Psych. Then there's the dogs. Will be hard to place them somewhere. It just feels like destiny. I die this year. I've worked on things for 3 years and I've got nowhere.

I think the fact that you want to make a change is a good sign. I'm not sure what resources exist in Ozz, but there has to be something that will help. Hopefully someone near you will have some input. There are several SR folks in Australia.

:welcome to the family! I'm sorry for all the trouble you've been going thru. I hope you can find a way to get off the drugs and alcohol and start living an enjoyable life.

The first step is admitting you have a problem and you did just that. Congratulations. It is so good to put down in words how you feel. Hopefully someday soon you will look back at this post and remember how bad it was and never want to repeat.

Look into that Detox/Rehab you mentioned. Keep posting!

Here are some Aussie links:

recovery methods:

Alcoholics Anonymous
SMART Recovery Australia |
Welcome to DRUG ARM! | DRUG ARM

counselling and help:

Overview » Drugs & Alcohol » Need Help? » salvos.org.au


Crisis Chat - Lifeline
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Find-Hel...es/crisis-chat

This service is available 8pm - midnight 7 days a week
(EST 1 April - 4 October)
(EDT 5 October - 31 March)

If the service appears 'offline' or 'busy', please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.




D

You have to understand that all of these chemicals you are pumping into your system are clouding your mood and judgement. Everything you are feeling is magnified through the chemicals. Your brain cant level itself out because you keep abusing it through substances. Your depression and anxiety can get a lot better, but not when you are using. Thats how you end up in this horrible cycle. Use, feel bad, panic, repeat............repeat................repeat. Its awful and I feel for you, because I was in a similar situation. Good news is, you can break this pattern, but it will take time and commitment from you. You can feel SO much better, but you have to seek out help and cleanse your system so it can heal and balance itself. I dont envy you for having to do this, but Ive been there and I can tell you, your life will change for the better in so many ways, ways you didnt think were possible. Give it a shot! This doesnt have to be your ending, and learn from everything you have already tried and try something new, outside your comfort zone. We have all had several attempts and failed, so that is nothing to beat yourself up about. The fact you want to be better shows you havent given up inside. Run with that, if thats all you got left. Being here is a great first step. I really pray you will seek out help, even if its scary.

They will probably not allow this either nor the 2-4mg Clonazapam that I am actually prescribed by a Psych.

Get help getting off that stuff. I did a cold turkey off 2 mgs per day a little over a year ago. It took me to an absolutely hellish place. However, a year later I have no regrets. Life is so much better without the benzos and booze. I did not believe that when people said it to me so you may not believe me either but, it really is. Good luck

Thanks for all the reply's.

Stopped the xanax and the synth MJ a week ago. Decided to start the rehab process but can't even get an appointment till mid July. Pffft. Saw my psych on Friday and he upped my Ritalin to 80mgs/day and switched me to 20mg diazepam at my request. He's at the same hospital as the rehab I want to do. I told him about that.
Now, 1st dose of Ritalin works wonders in the morning and then the other 3 don't do much. Then I crash and I drink. Then take benzos and try to eat. The only options in AU are Ritalin and Dex. I spend the morning researching mindless crap on the net and then end up drinking at about 3pm. Trying to be creative seems impossible. Doing masters this year. I will fail all 4 subjects. Done. Too late now to change.

I live in a unit of 6 at the back. No 6. I'm just the weird guy at number 6. I haven't showered for 3 days. This is common. I just smoke cigs

Darwinism. I'm ******

Yikes Panda. Welcome..I chatted at ya in the other thread before I read this one. Prior to 3 years ago were you taking the Ritalin and the Benzo's. I was diagnosed with ADHD last year by a therapist. I made a Dr's appointment but cancelled at last minute. I didn't want the med's after doing some research that stated that nutrition, exercise, sunshine, laughter would be equally helpful (I haven't really don't that either). I struggle with smoking also and quit those AGAIN too last monday with the drink. I'm on the nicotine patch..I'm either smoking or on the damn patch...BUT my anxiety is WAY better when I'm NOT smoking and on the patch.
I read in another thread that sobriety dissipates anxiety also...well geez louise..whodathunk. I have suffered with anxiety all my life.
So despite the drugs/alcohol/cigs you are utilizing to FEEL better. You haven't showered in 3 days and you're obviously miserable.
Gotta be a better way.

Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear what you have been through and are still gojng through.

I had to do a hospital detox for Benzos (qld).....it was very quick and hellish but I am getting a little better day by day.

A doctor could put you on a taper plan if you could be strong to stick to it (I couldn't.)

Good luck to you.

Hey, thanks for the post. To answer a couple of things. RE ADHD I was prescribed Ritalin for Treatment Resistant Depression after seeing my current Psych for over a year. He was very cautious as I have been completely honest with him about poly addiction. It has been the only thing that has made any noticeable difference when I take it correctly.
I was not diagnosed as such as a kid although I was made to see a Psych at age 9 or so because of general disruptive behaviour. Not violent or nasty just disruptive and talk back to teachers ect and could not sit still to do homework assignments. I would go crazy.
Looking back I would say I was a classic case of ADHD if u believe in such a disorder. My parents did not want to medicate me and I mostly grew out of it.
Now at 30+ It was the last try for something to help with the 0 motivation and lethargy and doing absolutely nothing. If anything I would be ADD now. No hyperactivity.
I see your point though. The crash is awful and it is a roller coaster ride. I researched the hell out of it and after 6 months of it I've come to the conclusion that it is better to have an UP and Down rather than just DOWN. Unfortunately here in OZ there is only Ritalin and Dexamphetamine. Nothing else so choices are rather limited.
RE Cigarettes. Yeah I hate them and am constantly on Patch then smoking on patch... If I could change 1 thing in my life it would be to never have started smoking

Thanks.
How short was the detox?
And no. I can't taper myself either. I just end up doctor shopping.
I got down to 10 mg Diaz for 6 months last year, was swimming 60 laps a day then RELAPSE. Been a dog chasing its tail since

So panda are you trying to ween off these meds so that you can get into rehab? Isn't there a rehab that will take you while you are still active so that you can detox there?
There may be someone who can watch the dogs? I know if there is a will there is a way. All those numbers that Dee posted look like they could lead you to something with promise. Keep posting and Welcome.