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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 1
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Hello,
I decided to join after battling internally with myself about my drinking habits.
I'm 24 years old - I went through college being a social drinker - although I'm sure we definitely drank heavier than most - but that was my first chance at drinking, and being in a sorority and with my friends it was something that was common for everyone it seemed.
I never thought my drinking was a problem during college - I only drank on the weekends, or occasionally with friends at dinner during the week, but that was it.
After college ended and I moved in with my boyfriend, I would occasionally make a vodka drink after work. I was bored with work - and i'd get home, make a drink and wait for him to come home. Then we'd usually have wine 2-3 times per week with dinner.
I started a new job and we are now married - and that job was a lot more stressful. This was when I saw my drinking really becoming a problem.
We would usually have a bottle of vodka or something in the cabinet, and I'd realized that when my husband was outside or taking a shower, I'd make as many drinks as I could for myself between then. Now I do the same - whenever I come home from work and see he is not home yet, I get a rush that "yes! I can make a drink fast before he gets home!"
My family has come up and we've gone shopping before, I would fill a water bottle with juice and vodka and go out. I'm not sure if its just a lack of confidence or what - but for some reason I feel as though I "need" to drink to be social, talkative, and fun. But in my head - many times I wake up the next day ashamed, embarrassed, and feeling that I was obnoxious.
Going home to my parents, they have a lot of liquor in their dining room - I would go in there when nobody was around and make drinks quickly to drink throughout the day.
When using the vodka in my house with my husband became an issue (I realized how quickly the bottle would drain and didn't want my husband to know- then I'd fill it with water to make it look like I didn't drink it) - I started buying my own bottles of cheap vodka from the liquor store. I would refill up to the point of the water in the common bottle in our pantry, and then store the rest in my closet. Many times I'd go upstairs, fill a glass with the vodka, and try to hide the drink (filling the rest up with soda, juice, etc.) coming down and sitting with my husband. Many days at work I would go in with a bottle of soda, pour some out, fill it with vodka, and start sipping on it at work. This made the day go by faster and it seem less stressful. In my head now though, I can hardly remember most of the days.
Every morning I wake up thinking "this is the day"...only to fail. I have a new job now, going back to school for my master's, and want to have a successful relationship with my husband. Instead, I fear that one day my brain won't function properly and I'll mess something up at work, not pass in school, and my husband will leave all due to my drinking habits. Yet, I can't seem to give it up.
I don't know what to do, I cannot admit this to anyone and cannot seek outside professional help. I need to do this on my own and feel that I know how to, I just need to commit.
I'm not sure what the turning point will be for me, but I do hope that it comes soon.
Thanks for listening.
I decided to join after battling internally with myself about my drinking habits.
I'm 24 years old - I went through college being a social drinker - although I'm sure we definitely drank heavier than most - but that was my first chance at drinking, and being in a sorority and with my friends it was something that was common for everyone it seemed.
I never thought my drinking was a problem during college - I only drank on the weekends, or occasionally with friends at dinner during the week, but that was it.
After college ended and I moved in with my boyfriend, I would occasionally make a vodka drink after work. I was bored with work - and i'd get home, make a drink and wait for him to come home. Then we'd usually have wine 2-3 times per week with dinner.
I started a new job and we are now married - and that job was a lot more stressful. This was when I saw my drinking really becoming a problem.
We would usually have a bottle of vodka or something in the cabinet, and I'd realized that when my husband was outside or taking a shower, I'd make as many drinks as I could for myself between then. Now I do the same - whenever I come home from work and see he is not home yet, I get a rush that "yes! I can make a drink fast before he gets home!"
My family has come up and we've gone shopping before, I would fill a water bottle with juice and vodka and go out. I'm not sure if its just a lack of confidence or what - but for some reason I feel as though I "need" to drink to be social, talkative, and fun. But in my head - many times I wake up the next day ashamed, embarrassed, and feeling that I was obnoxious.
Going home to my parents, they have a lot of liquor in their dining room - I would go in there when nobody was around and make drinks quickly to drink throughout the day.
When using the vodka in my house with my husband became an issue (I realized how quickly the bottle would drain and didn't want my husband to know- then I'd fill it with water to make it look like I didn't drink it) - I started buying my own bottles of cheap vodka from the liquor store. I would refill up to the point of the water in the common bottle in our pantry, and then store the rest in my closet. Many times I'd go upstairs, fill a glass with the vodka, and try to hide the drink (filling the rest up with soda, juice, etc.) coming down and sitting with my husband. Many days at work I would go in with a bottle of soda, pour some out, fill it with vodka, and start sipping on it at work. This made the day go by faster and it seem less stressful. In my head now though, I can hardly remember most of the days.
Every morning I wake up thinking "this is the day"...only to fail. I have a new job now, going back to school for my master's, and want to have a successful relationship with my husband. Instead, I fear that one day my brain won't function properly and I'll mess something up at work, not pass in school, and my husband will leave all due to my drinking habits. Yet, I can't seem to give it up.
I don't know what to do, I cannot admit this to anyone and cannot seek outside professional help. I need to do this on my own and feel that I know how to, I just need to commit.
I'm not sure what the turning point will be for me, but I do hope that it comes soon.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 291
Welcome! I love your honesty in the thread. I did a lot of that myself except I was a wino. Don't get me wrong, I had my fair share of vodka also, but my bottle of wine a night (hiding it) was my relief -or so I thought.
You came to the right place for support. You are a smart lady and can do this. Start today!
You came to the right place for support. You are a smart lady and can do this. Start today!
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,860
to SR Aldie. When I admitted that my life was out of
control, I made a huge step forward by reaching out for help.
Good to have you here at SR.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Welcome to SR, Aldie. You CAN give it up, you just haven't YET.
I have found that one of the most frustrating aspects of being addicted to alcohol is that part of my own brain will lie to me in order to get the rest of me to give it booze. Learning to deal with that might require help. Be open to that possibility. You're worth it.
I have found that one of the most frustrating aspects of being addicted to alcohol is that part of my own brain will lie to me in order to get the rest of me to give it booze. Learning to deal with that might require help. Be open to that possibility. You're worth it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by aldie42l 
We would usually have a bottle of vodka or something in the cabinet, and I'd realized that when my husband was outside or taking a shower, I'd make as many drinks as I could for myself between then. Now I do the same - whenever I come home from work and see he is not home yet, I get a rush that "yes! I can make a drink fast before he gets home!"
My family has come up and we've gone shopping before, I would fill a water bottle with juice and vodka and go out. I'm not sure if its just a lack of confidence or what - but for some reason I feel as though I "need" to drink to be social, talkative, and fun.
My family has come up and we've gone shopping before, I would fill a water bottle with juice and vodka and go out. I'm not sure if its just a lack of confidence or what - but for some reason I feel as though I "need" to drink to be social, talkative, and fun.
This part of your post is like I wrote it.
I always needed to have a drink before meeting anybody!
You have come to the right place. If you want to stop, you can.
And your self confidence will get better and you really don't need any help from alcohol.
I hope that you'll make the right decision now. You have the future ahead of you, don't drink it away. I have lost years to the blackouts and can't get those moments back.
I wish you all the best
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Etna, CA
Posts: 8
Hey Aldie421, I can definitely relate. It made me feel better just reading it. There's nothing worse than the shame and secrecy involved...especially when I relapsed this last time. I have done the water-in-the-vodka bottle for sure (bit trickier with dark booze - i remember using really steeped tea once to replace it.) I can also understand the fear of everyone finding out and leaving you. I have that too. The past couple days I've been detoxing and panicky, but I took a shower this evening, and had a really clear thought: I can either throw in the towel, let my demons eat me alive, and flush my life down the toilet - or I can pick myself back up, yet again, dust myself off, and try again. Just keep fighting. I know you said you don't want to seek outside *professional* help, but are there any A.A. meetings in your area? (You can usually look them up on the interwebs.) Anyway, hugs, I'm always here to talk if you need - so are a lot of people. 
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,219
Welcome Aldie! I can relate....I had all kinds of hiding tricks for my wine/brandy. At night I didn't hide it because it didn't seem "awful" drinking at night. It was my morning drinking I had to hide!
When hubby worked first shift he would leave before I woke up, so could easily drink. Only problem was I too started to worry hs would take note that there was half a bottle of wine left when he would leave for work, but it would be empty when he got home in the afternoon. As he got home before me, he would know I drank in the morning before work. Soo....a few times a used food coloring to darken water ( drank red wine) and put it in the bottle!!!!! Ugh...
I have also had the travel mug of wine on my desk at work on a few quiet days:-(
So many of us can relate, so feel free to stay open and honest with us....nobody here will judge you.
Glad to have you join the group!
When hubby worked first shift he would leave before I woke up, so could easily drink. Only problem was I too started to worry hs would take note that there was half a bottle of wine left when he would leave for work, but it would be empty when he got home in the afternoon. As he got home before me, he would know I drank in the morning before work. Soo....a few times a used food coloring to darken water ( drank red wine) and put it in the bottle!!!!! Ugh...
I have also had the travel mug of wine on my desk at work on a few quiet days:-(
So many of us can relate, so feel free to stay open and honest with us....nobody here will judge you.
Glad to have you join the group!
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