dbaguy

Hey everyone. Like all of the rest of you I'm just seeking out some support and people who are experiencing some of the same things I am. My wife is an alcoholic. I've known she had a drinking problem over the last 10 years of our relationship but in the last year it had gotten really bad. Honestly I was getting to the point where I wasn't sure I could tolerate pouring her into the car again, carrying her up the stairs to bed, making sure she was breathing after she passed out/blacked out, and recounting to her the events of the previous night when she woke up without a memory of them.

She's had a really messed up life and since she was a teenager she's used alcohol as her coping mechanism. She finally hit bottom a couple of weeks ago, drank a few bottles of wine, downed a handful of her benzos, and I ended up having her carted to the ER. Long story short, she's been sober 17 days now, has been going to AA, sought out some therapy, etc. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting yesterday to see what it was about, it was nice to find I'm not alone. At this point I'm a mental wreck for sure. I took a couple weeks off work to take care of the kids while she was doing intensive outpatient. It's funny that my life has revolved for so long around ensuring her safety while she drank that now that she's seeking help I'm lost. Her "cry for help" via taking a bunch of pills while drunk makes me resent things as I've lost no less than 7 friends to suicide in the last 15 years, at least four of them having been addicts in some form or another many of whom were trying to work some program or another.

I've got some work to do, peace to find, a marriage and family to keep together. Starting recovery is almost more work than living with an active alcoholic but I'm hoping that the work pays off even though I'm jaded by life right now.

Dee74

welcome to SR dbaguy

you'll find a lot of support here - a lot of understanding too.
I'm glad you've found our FFA section

D

Living

Addiction in a family creates chaos. Your wife seems to be on the right track by going to AA and you definitely did the right thing by going to NA. Depression or should I say - aprehension - is expected after years of being the look out man.

It is time for you to start living again and going back to work might be a good start. Your wife has to live her life day to day in sobriety and you have to live yours also by letting go of the past. Learning not to be an enabler and co-dependant to the Alcoholic in your life is hard.

Regaining trust and even happiness takes time. I wish you the best of luck.

Hevyn

Welcome dba. I'm so glad you reached out. I'm sorry for all that you've gone through. I hope you'll find some relief from your anxiety by sharing your thoughts with others.

ImperfectlyMe

Dbaguy, I applaud you for how you are supporting your wife and children! There are alot of people who would fold when the going gets beyond rough! Your family is lucky to have you as the backbone right now!

I was the alcoholic wife I learned how to manipulate my husband into wanting me to drink. What helped me to quit and to stay sober was my husband. He would no longer stand by and watch me drink our family away. he took every measure to make sure I'd never drink again!

You have to do what you have to do to fight for your family. My husband said if I drink he's gone WITH my girls. Knowing this to be the TRUTH has kept me sober. It's going to be tough in the beginning but I promise it can get sooooo much better.
Best wishes to you your wife and kids!

PeppyGirl

Hello,

Congrats for supporting your wife and family. Recovery is a lot of work but I believe that in the long run it is so worth it. Like InperfectlyMe also mentioned, my husband is also helping me to stay sober. I know that if I fall back into my drinking pattern my husband and 4 kids will be gone.

Stay strong and best wishes to you. Hugs, PG

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome! Just curious, are you a data base guy? The last time I heard Hello, World was when I was learning to program Java.

oak

Welcome! I hope it helps to be here.

I was also wondering if you are a programmer because of hello world. Reminds me of my C book.

You seem to have a lot of insight. The transitions can be hard, but long-term sobriety is worth it for everyone involved. I hope it gets easier soon.

dbaguy

Thanks Living. It's hard to change roles like this because, as you said, I've been that look out man for the last 10 years. I am a fixer by nature and I know I can't fix this but only support her change. It's tough but I'm taking it day by day.

dbaguy

It's good to hear support from the other side . I love my wife and I couldn't imagine just abandoning her. I won't lie though, the thought has certainly crossed my mind from time to time. However, I vowed to stay by her side with the good and the bad and the bad, while it has sucked, hasn't crushed that vow just yet. She realizes she has a problem and is at least starting to work towards being healthier. I just worry about my kids and how they will cope with things. I think the two youngest are young enough that they won't notice much but the older two definitely know things are not right with mom and especially now that she was gone for two weeks everyday and is going to meetings and groups at odd hours. It's straining when she sometimes isn't home for bedtime but that has been true sometimes in the past as well. I just know that, at least right now, her reasons for not being there are better and I'm praying that she finds what she needs to come out a stronger person in the long run.

dbaguy

To both you and MythOfSisphus, yes I've worked in tech for a long time now and am currently a database admin manager. I figured someone would catch the "Hello World" reference. I chose it because I feel like I'm writing my first program again, having no clue how to read all the code but stepping through a class on how things work .

I do have some insight into addiction, just based on past friends and relationships. I scared though because I have literally known four people, three in AA and one in NA, who have fallen apart down the road and taken their lives. One person had 15 years of sobriety (he just passed away in February after a divorce and major relapse). That's not something people like to hear when they are getting sober or supporting someone with sobriety but it's a reality that puts fear in me. My wife told me that if she doesn't stop she knows she'll die from it and I just hope that she can find enough light and strength to get there and stay there. It sometimes seems like any way you turn there is a giant cliff, ugh. Trying to stay positive though and do what's best for the whole family. Thank you for the encouragement, truly.

oak

I love your analogy between dealing with this and writing your first program. It actually helps me in the reverse. I am stressing about learning C. It will probably get easier (for both of us).

I can see why you'd be scared given your friends' experiences. There are happy outcomes too. I love the book "Sober for Good" by Anne Fletcher. That said, I can relate to the cliff analogy and the fear of what could happen. Just know that there can be a positive outcome too.

I assume someone else mentioned the Friends and Family forum on SR, in case you want a forum that is just about that. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information But post here too if it is helpful.

I also like the Women for Sobriety program. They have some face-to-face meetings and an online forum, in case your wife is interested. She would have to call their main number to find out if there is a meeting near her. Their online forum has quite a few women that have been sober for many years- lots of positive outcomes.

SR has a list of various recovery groups and programs- in case your wife wants to know what is available.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I wish you the best! Take care of yourself too through all this!