lsb

I am here because I need support. I have never admitted I have a problem with alcohol before in my life. I always just figured that it just how it affected me. I never took responsibility for my actions - I just blamed the alcohol.

So here is my story:

I have always been very very shy. I get pretty bad social anxiety and I get depressed. I have never sought help for my problems, I just have always dealt with them on my own.

I was 19 when I started drinking. I found that it magically makes me social, talkative and fun.

The last couple of years I have stopped going out as much. I am 30 now. I didn't want to be that girl anymore.

Well last night was my cousins wedding and I was that girl. I drank and drank wanting the bad feelings to go away. And I got drunk and I danced, talked to people....I am afraid I embarrassed myself..but I was so drunk I don't even know if I did or not. But just the fact that I was drunk and not myself...is an embarrassment enough to me.

If someone is reading this, I am hoping you can offer some advice and support on what I can do.

fallingtogether

Hi, welcome. I have been THAT girl more times than I can count. And in the last 3 years every time I have been that girl, I wake the next day completely ashamed, scared, panic stricken and horrified. What did I do, what did I say? Did I pass out at the venue? Welcome to my world!
I was always too embarrassed and ashamed to talk about my problems, so I would put up a wall and try to drink them away. I found that doesn't work.
So what I did was find people who understand where I am coming from. Both on sr and in aa. It has really changed my life. I haven't followed the plan perfectly, but when I fall i get back up and get back on track. I haven't been able to piece together more than 116 consecutive days sober in the last 7 months, but I am still going after sobriety. I still get back on the horse and ride as far away from being that girl that I can.
I have found tht life doesn't have to entail drinker nights or days, and that is such a relief.
Best wishes to you on your journey, you are most certainly not alone! Help is available, all you have to do is ask!

DAB

I hated waking up with that ominous cloud in my head, the awful feeling that I had done something really stupid the night before. I eventually went to AA and met a great
group of people that understand and support me. Denial is the wall that protects us from sobriety.

escapist

I have been that girl too. Just remembering it makes me feel embarassed and I have'nt had a drink in over 7 months. Thank God it is finally over. I got sober here this last time. I get nervous around strangers too. It wasnt easy to quit at first but it is definately not impossible. You can do it and make your life manageable.

quitforme79

I have been where you are. I got sober because I wanted to let the good person in me grow and alcohol was stifling her. I stay sober with AA. I no l longer fear making a fool out of myself. I no longer wake up with that dreaded feeling of "what did i do, say last night" Change isn't always easy but sobriety has so many rewards.

bonesofhope

I am that girl too. 10 years of being that girl and I am only 24, it is getting worse and worse. I hate the stories, the looks. Having to be held up by friends. Falling everywhere. Being a total idiot.
We need to stop today. I am going to try and like myself for the first time in my life.

Tamerua

I was that girl, very shy, drank to open up and then became a binge drinker. One day, I was googling stuff in whether or not I had a problem. I found this site. I also found an AA site that said, if you have one drink, and you don't know how many you will have, you have a problem and the way to fix it is to not have that first drink. What a notion! Lol I'm working on 6 months sober now. You can do this.

2granddaughters

I assume that since you have been around here for 4 yrs and still struggle with alcohol that you have not joined AA.

Why not give AA a good shot ... say regularly attending meetings for 90 days.

The good news is if you don't like AA that you can walk away and have your old life back in an instant.

All the best.

Bob R

Climber122

Yep - sounds like you are one of us. That feeling of being "different" or "not one of" the group is classic alcoholism and something most of us feel. So many people get proccupied with how much they drink, what they drink, how long they can abstain from drink etc. But the truth is drinking is but a symptom of the disease, and the most obvious sign that we have something wrong with our thought processes, but it's not like we quit drinking and are instantly better. We all have different amounts of pain we need to go through to get to the point of saying "enough" - and decide we have to do something. You don't have to wait until you have lost the job, house, gotten the DUI or made another bad interpersonal decision while drunk!

The good news is there is a solution, but we tend to have trouble on our own, because just like you say you have been doing, we tend to think we don't need help from anyone. But like my sponsor would say, "How's that been working for you?" Sometimes if we need to try something different, and if it feels wrong at first it may be the right thing to do, because what we have been doing isn't working! Some may be able to do it solo, but I have found that I needed the support and guidance of an AA sponsor and attendance at meetings for it to work. All you need to start is the desire to stop drinking, and it sounds like you have arrived there, which is a huge step! I hope you'll take the next one and consider finding a meeting! You will be amazed that there are lots of folks there who know exactly how you are feeling God Bless.

Pete55

I was, "him again" !

Sobreia

LSB, welcome to SR and congratulations for being brave enough to admit you have a problem and for reaching out for support - it takes a lot of strength. I can very much relate to your story. I suffered immense anxiety for losing control when drinking, behaving unlike my "normal" self, and not remembering what I had done or said. I have very high demands on myself, am a perfectionist, and becoming "that girl"; that out of control person caused me a lot of pain. I find it became a role people expected me to play, (without sounding too cynical) a role people wanted me to play. I would rather please others than do what was best for me.

Now, although I am still early on in my sobriety, I am trying to find a way where I put less demands on myself and allow myself to lose some control and relax without alcohol. Finding balance and being kinder to myself; body and mind. Quitting alcohol has allowed me to finally begin to deal with underlying issues that cause social anxiety and other difficult emotions.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you've taken a big step by opening up here and admitting you have a problem. Putting yourself down will only make things worse. There is a lot of kindness, support and good advice to be found on this site. It is a good forum if you find you have difficulties opening up to those around you, and can - from my experience - give some "training" in how to express thoughts and emotions to others and share difficult experiences so that it becomes easier to talk to friends and family.

You deserve to feel good, to be heard, seen and loved. Don't forget that.

I wish you all the best,
S

FeenixxRising

Many of us have been "that girl or guy". I think you need to make a decision about quitting for good. If that's what you decide to do, there are many options and tools available to achieve your goal. Posting here is one option, you will find a lot of support and no judgment.

Once you're sober, you can work on your other issues. Shyness, social anxiety and depression can be treated. Yes, alcohol solves the problem for a very short period of time, but the cost for those few hours of "happiness" is very, very expensive, and just not worth it.

Fandy

You've made an amazing start by opening up on here. If you don't want to be "that girl", you don't have to be. If you want to be a different type of person than the party drunk, you are going to have to make some changes. 11 years of drinking is a long time ( i drank for 25 years)....you've got an ingrained habit now.

There are many options and ways of support, by all means try AA if you think it will help, but even if it is not a good fit for you now, you can have an improved life, you can be a non-drinker like many of us, even without a formal program. the best news is that you WANT to stop and you can do this.

You might find that a lot of your anxiety diminishes without alcohol, not instantly but it does get better. welcome to SR and look around...there is always someone to talk to here.

MIRecovery

It was only when any notion of being able to drink like other people was completely smashed did things get better. I started and continue to work the program of AA and for the first timeI am comfortable in my own skin and enjoy life on a level that I did not know was possible.

lsb

The anxiety is hitting me. I hate that I talked to my one cousin whose mother hates my mother. I hate that I made myself vulnerable. They think they are better than us. We are the black sheep of the family. I wish I didn't even go. I am upset now. It doesn't feel like it is going to pass. I just keep thinking about it. I don't really like these people and I hate that I act fake and I feel like I gave them approval. When in reality I dont like them at all.

escapist

to thine own self be true

Sobreia

I can relate to the feeling, having put myself numerous times in a position where I make a fool out of myself in a way that I think confirms other people's superiority. Perhaps some people feel better by us losing control and making ourselves look bad - but what does it matter what those people think? In the end, we need to deal with our own self criticism and judgement and how we transfer it to others thinking they look at us with the same negative mindset. Don't let these feelings take over, it will only make things worse. I know it is easy to say, and hard to do, but try to be kind to yourself. You've taken a big step acknowledging your problem and seeking support on here. You can define yourself differently, learn how to think of yourself less critically and with acceptance. Sobriety is an important step in the right direction.

Nighthawk8820

Oh we have all been there. Not only did I have anxiety the day after a night out due to withdrawal, but also the anxiety over what I may or may not have done the night before. Its a horrible feeling, and super lonely. You can make a change and completely reinvent yourself. Getting sober is one of the few chances we get to reinvent everything, to look inside and really get to know ourselves, and to grow stronger than you ever imagined. Its a process, and one you most likely will have to walk alone. Sure there is AA and meeting fellow addicts, but sobriety is a much more personal journey in my opinion.the plus side if you learn more about yourself and what you are truly capable of if you put some effort into it. You can do this, but you have to want it and you have to put all of yourself into it. Read my story on the "Stories" section of the forum, you can most likely find it by just clicking my name. Congrats on wanting to make the change, I believe you can do it.

BrokenBottles

I'm "that girl" too. We can stop this!