My unhealthy relationship with alcohol
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 16
My unhealthy relationship with alcohol
I was a skinny pothead until a few years ago. I think marijuana is fairly innocuous relative to alcohol, but I took it too far. This seems to have culminated in my developing severe acute health anxiety. It consumed me, and to make matters worse I could no longer smoke weed as it would only make all my symptoms worse.
Before that, I could never understand how people "let themselves" become alcoholics. I had been a bartender for years and managed to avoid getting into problems with the sauce. Sure, I knew binge drinking, and it was fun, but all I needed was a little weed, and I became something like a happy stoned hermit. I'd sit around with my girlfriend, and only go out drinking with friends around once a month.
It did affect my work by making me lethargic, but being self-employed there was not real motivation to stop. That is, until the anxiety.
That's when I discovered that a drink or two would make everything better. I know that booze is not medicine, so I took a pretty traditional approach to the problem. I saw a psychologist once, who did not impress me. I saw a psychiatrist who I liked, as he is a screw-up like me. I didn't want to take SSRIs, and he indulged me with meds which worked pretty well.
There was low-dose Seroquel which kept me a bit sedated and helped me sleep for the first-time in my life. I had always been a bad sleeper, and as I became an adult the pot only made it worse. The beta-blocker didn't feel like it did much, but I had no problem having a little propranolol with dinner. Gabapentin didn't feel like much either, but I believed it helped. Of course, the benzos were my favorite. Xanax was great, but lorazepam is what really floats my boat, even just thinking about it now.
Anyway, I got over the health anxiety. It seems like a distant chapter in my life now. The problem is, that I didn't seem to come out of it the same person, and this new iteration of me may even be worse.
The meds helped, but the booze was what really got me through it.
When I first could be med-free and not anxious I transitioned into using alcohol as a way to deal with the fear of the anxiety coming back. Now I had anxiety about anxiety. I didn't have a lot of money at the time, so handles of cheap vodka became my poison of choice. As long as I had some of that to promise myself in the evening -- and a little xanax on hand (which I could now get for free from a friend with a 'personal physician') -- I new I would be fine, and I was.
I also discovered that if I had more than a few drinks, I would be better than fine. I would be awesome. And so, awesome I became. I discovered that I had an awesome tolerance. Like when I used to tend bar, I would fill the glass with ice bottom to top, and I would pour myself a lot of vodka, and a little OJ. I would then proceed to down it quickly, never even letting the ice float.
Better still, other people began to notice how awesome I was. Not only was I a good drinker, but I was a "good drunk". No longer the stoned happy hermit, now I was charming, funny, people liked me, people remembered me and were happy to run into me, I made great conversation, and when I went too far an blacked out, I wouldn't become aggressive, just annoying if that. All of these things were true about me when I was sober to some extent, but this new iteration of me felt a lot cooler. Beautiful women would talk to me and flirt with me, and I would flirt with the line between decency and infidelity to my wife, which I also loved. Whoever said "pimpin' ain't easy" has probably never tried long-term monogamy. Thankfully, I never "really cheated".
My wife didn't think I was that awesome, though. When I drank at home I would become that affectionate guy she would always ask me to be (while I was coherent), and this infuriated her. As I would drink, she would become more and more abusive. She didn't know how else to handle it. I began to resent here.
She went to go visit family for a few weeks, and I moved a friend in, and we just binged. One day I drank 375 ml of vodka in just minutes and passed out on the spot. This was after a night of drinking. I had probably taken some Xanax that day too, since getting a few drinks in me causes me to make stupid decision of that sort, but of course there is no way to remember now.
It's a wonder I didn't die in my sleep choking on vomit during this phase in my life, but I didn't.
Eventually, I moved out of my house and lived out of a suitcase between the houses of a couple of screw-up friends and my parents' shore house. I started to discover that my friends were not as great as I thought, and that my situation was untenable.
Something good did come out of it. I cleaned myself up. I never really stopped binge drinking, but I would limit it to one or two days a week. Gone were the days of handles of Vodka. Now I would rarely buy more than 200 ml and a nip or two at a time, and I would rarely go back for more nips or aother 200. The prospect of being single again motivated me to get back to the gym, and in the process of getting into pretty good shape I even reconciled with my wife.
I also learned that because I could not afford to go out and have expensive lunches with top-shelf stuff I could use this to moderate my drinking. I'd use an occasional three martini lunch as a motivator, and then usually a 200 ml and a couple of nips for after.
Despite my ineptitude with the administrative and marketing aspects of my business, work began to pick up. Someone else once said "more money more problems", and this was true for me. As I could afford to sit around acting affluent at the restaurant bar more often -- enabling each other's drinking with some older more successful versions of myself -- that's exactly what I did. Over time I slowly started to re-develop a new and more expensive drinking problem.
It's getting worse. New things are happening when I drink. One day I somehow began to hallucinate as I entered blackout drunk mode. To this day I'm not sure if someone put something in one of my drinks as a gag, that's how odd it was. It seems I eat out every day now, and I know I can't afford it. This week, I drank every day. Here we go again.
A new problem I've developed are these spectacular hangovers. Aside from the headaches and nausea that are typical, I now get a new generalized type of life-anxiety. I stress about work, I feel overwhelmed, I worry about the direction of my life, and how unhealthy everything in it -- from my diet to relationships -- seems to be.
Because I'm self employed I can work all night and reward myself some early morning drinking. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm going to have 200 ml of Vodka, take a nap, and get up and work in a few hours, This turns into maybe 400 ml, sleeping the afternoon away, and procrastination of obligations.
Yesterday 200 ml turned into bar hopping from 3 PM to midnight, and opening another 200 ml when I got home. I actually felt proud for only drinking 100 ml. In hindsight, maybe I was saving that for the hangover in the morning, because that's exactly when I drank it. Unfortunately, it did not help as much as I hoped and expected.
Then I went to lunch and had a glass of wine. On my way home I forced myself to take care of a work obligation that took only ten minutes, but it still wasn't easy to make myself do it.
I stopped at the bar at my local restaurant promising myself I was one and done, and it started happening again. I'm being fun and clever and charming, and someone buys me a drink. Then the bartender does too. Now I have to buy a round, and so I do. Now the "just one more" mentality sits in, so I just have four more.
I'm feeling awesome again, so I buy two nips, but I don't drink them. Instead I fall asleep while watching TV and feeling proud of myself because "I can stop". I woke up at midnight, hung over, with my "life-anxiety". The two nips did not help nearly as much as the once would have. I still smoke a little weed, even though I don't love it any more, mostly because it does work well to stop that "just one more" mentality.
Since the nips don't help enough, the pot makes my anxiety worse. I took a little Seroquel that I have left over from years ago, and I join this forum. As I wrote this post the worst of the anxiety subsides as the weed wears off. I know I'll sleep it off and wake up dry and feeling fine, and the memory of this experience will probably prevent me from buying a bottle tomorrow, but probably not the next day.
Until I decide to clean up again, and whip my butt into shape again, I know this cycle will continue to repeat. When I do temporarily break the cycle, this will convince me that I'm totally in control, and I'll probably start all over again.
I'm worried that my luck will eventually run out. I'm worried that one day I'm going to hurt myself or someone else in a way that won't heal. I'm terrified that one day that benzo pill will show up, and my propensity to binge drink will show up, and my ability to rationalize combining the too based on previous experience will show up, but my tolerance won't. I don't wanna die behind this crap, but I'm starting to get the feeling that it's gonna take something really bad happening in order for me to make a real change.
I need to do better. I hope that writing this all down is a good first step.
Before that, I could never understand how people "let themselves" become alcoholics. I had been a bartender for years and managed to avoid getting into problems with the sauce. Sure, I knew binge drinking, and it was fun, but all I needed was a little weed, and I became something like a happy stoned hermit. I'd sit around with my girlfriend, and only go out drinking with friends around once a month.
It did affect my work by making me lethargic, but being self-employed there was not real motivation to stop. That is, until the anxiety.
That's when I discovered that a drink or two would make everything better. I know that booze is not medicine, so I took a pretty traditional approach to the problem. I saw a psychologist once, who did not impress me. I saw a psychiatrist who I liked, as he is a screw-up like me. I didn't want to take SSRIs, and he indulged me with meds which worked pretty well.
There was low-dose Seroquel which kept me a bit sedated and helped me sleep for the first-time in my life. I had always been a bad sleeper, and as I became an adult the pot only made it worse. The beta-blocker didn't feel like it did much, but I had no problem having a little propranolol with dinner. Gabapentin didn't feel like much either, but I believed it helped. Of course, the benzos were my favorite. Xanax was great, but lorazepam is what really floats my boat, even just thinking about it now.
Anyway, I got over the health anxiety. It seems like a distant chapter in my life now. The problem is, that I didn't seem to come out of it the same person, and this new iteration of me may even be worse.
The meds helped, but the booze was what really got me through it.
When I first could be med-free and not anxious I transitioned into using alcohol as a way to deal with the fear of the anxiety coming back. Now I had anxiety about anxiety. I didn't have a lot of money at the time, so handles of cheap vodka became my poison of choice. As long as I had some of that to promise myself in the evening -- and a little xanax on hand (which I could now get for free from a friend with a 'personal physician') -- I new I would be fine, and I was.
I also discovered that if I had more than a few drinks, I would be better than fine. I would be awesome. And so, awesome I became. I discovered that I had an awesome tolerance. Like when I used to tend bar, I would fill the glass with ice bottom to top, and I would pour myself a lot of vodka, and a little OJ. I would then proceed to down it quickly, never even letting the ice float.
Better still, other people began to notice how awesome I was. Not only was I a good drinker, but I was a "good drunk". No longer the stoned happy hermit, now I was charming, funny, people liked me, people remembered me and were happy to run into me, I made great conversation, and when I went too far an blacked out, I wouldn't become aggressive, just annoying if that. All of these things were true about me when I was sober to some extent, but this new iteration of me felt a lot cooler. Beautiful women would talk to me and flirt with me, and I would flirt with the line between decency and infidelity to my wife, which I also loved. Whoever said "pimpin' ain't easy" has probably never tried long-term monogamy. Thankfully, I never "really cheated".
My wife didn't think I was that awesome, though. When I drank at home I would become that affectionate guy she would always ask me to be (while I was coherent), and this infuriated her. As I would drink, she would become more and more abusive. She didn't know how else to handle it. I began to resent here.
She went to go visit family for a few weeks, and I moved a friend in, and we just binged. One day I drank 375 ml of vodka in just minutes and passed out on the spot. This was after a night of drinking. I had probably taken some Xanax that day too, since getting a few drinks in me causes me to make stupid decision of that sort, but of course there is no way to remember now.
It's a wonder I didn't die in my sleep choking on vomit during this phase in my life, but I didn't.
Eventually, I moved out of my house and lived out of a suitcase between the houses of a couple of screw-up friends and my parents' shore house. I started to discover that my friends were not as great as I thought, and that my situation was untenable.
Something good did come out of it. I cleaned myself up. I never really stopped binge drinking, but I would limit it to one or two days a week. Gone were the days of handles of Vodka. Now I would rarely buy more than 200 ml and a nip or two at a time, and I would rarely go back for more nips or aother 200. The prospect of being single again motivated me to get back to the gym, and in the process of getting into pretty good shape I even reconciled with my wife.
I also learned that because I could not afford to go out and have expensive lunches with top-shelf stuff I could use this to moderate my drinking. I'd use an occasional three martini lunch as a motivator, and then usually a 200 ml and a couple of nips for after.
Despite my ineptitude with the administrative and marketing aspects of my business, work began to pick up. Someone else once said "more money more problems", and this was true for me. As I could afford to sit around acting affluent at the restaurant bar more often -- enabling each other's drinking with some older more successful versions of myself -- that's exactly what I did. Over time I slowly started to re-develop a new and more expensive drinking problem.
It's getting worse. New things are happening when I drink. One day I somehow began to hallucinate as I entered blackout drunk mode. To this day I'm not sure if someone put something in one of my drinks as a gag, that's how odd it was. It seems I eat out every day now, and I know I can't afford it. This week, I drank every day. Here we go again.
A new problem I've developed are these spectacular hangovers. Aside from the headaches and nausea that are typical, I now get a new generalized type of life-anxiety. I stress about work, I feel overwhelmed, I worry about the direction of my life, and how unhealthy everything in it -- from my diet to relationships -- seems to be.
Because I'm self employed I can work all night and reward myself some early morning drinking. Sometimes I tell myself that I'm going to have 200 ml of Vodka, take a nap, and get up and work in a few hours, This turns into maybe 400 ml, sleeping the afternoon away, and procrastination of obligations.
Yesterday 200 ml turned into bar hopping from 3 PM to midnight, and opening another 200 ml when I got home. I actually felt proud for only drinking 100 ml. In hindsight, maybe I was saving that for the hangover in the morning, because that's exactly when I drank it. Unfortunately, it did not help as much as I hoped and expected.
Then I went to lunch and had a glass of wine. On my way home I forced myself to take care of a work obligation that took only ten minutes, but it still wasn't easy to make myself do it.
I stopped at the bar at my local restaurant promising myself I was one and done, and it started happening again. I'm being fun and clever and charming, and someone buys me a drink. Then the bartender does too. Now I have to buy a round, and so I do. Now the "just one more" mentality sits in, so I just have four more.
I'm feeling awesome again, so I buy two nips, but I don't drink them. Instead I fall asleep while watching TV and feeling proud of myself because "I can stop". I woke up at midnight, hung over, with my "life-anxiety". The two nips did not help nearly as much as the once would have. I still smoke a little weed, even though I don't love it any more, mostly because it does work well to stop that "just one more" mentality.
Since the nips don't help enough, the pot makes my anxiety worse. I took a little Seroquel that I have left over from years ago, and I join this forum. As I wrote this post the worst of the anxiety subsides as the weed wears off. I know I'll sleep it off and wake up dry and feeling fine, and the memory of this experience will probably prevent me from buying a bottle tomorrow, but probably not the next day.
Until I decide to clean up again, and whip my butt into shape again, I know this cycle will continue to repeat. When I do temporarily break the cycle, this will convince me that I'm totally in control, and I'll probably start all over again.
I'm worried that my luck will eventually run out. I'm worried that one day I'm going to hurt myself or someone else in a way that won't heal. I'm terrified that one day that benzo pill will show up, and my propensity to binge drink will show up, and my ability to rationalize combining the too based on previous experience will show up, but my tolerance won't. I don't wanna die behind this crap, but I'm starting to get the feeling that it's gonna take something really bad happening in order for me to make a real change.
I need to do better. I hope that writing this all down is a good first step.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: New England
Posts: 100
I appreciate all the detail and the time it must have taken you to write this. Our stories are somewhat similar. (Then again, I have found similarities in almost every story of every alcoholic and addict that I have listened to in recovery.)
You are right to be worried. The question I suppose is what are you prepared to do about it? Realizing that it may take something bad happening to truly motivate you is not a step forward in and of itself. I can't say that it is inevitable, you could continue on in your anxiety-ridden drunken cycle for a long time. All I can tell you is that you have been gifted with intelligence, some business success, and a wife who has been patient and forgiving. You are risking all of that, and it doesn't automatically stay with you or return after you "decide" to clean yourself up.
In my experience, I can only respectfully suggest that you stop now, in time to keep the good things in your life together. I have been amazed to discover how much of my anxiety was actually caused, not cured, by alcohol. Get back to the gym, appreciate what you have, put down the bottle and you can have an amazing life!
You are right to be worried. The question I suppose is what are you prepared to do about it? Realizing that it may take something bad happening to truly motivate you is not a step forward in and of itself. I can't say that it is inevitable, you could continue on in your anxiety-ridden drunken cycle for a long time. All I can tell you is that you have been gifted with intelligence, some business success, and a wife who has been patient and forgiving. You are risking all of that, and it doesn't automatically stay with you or return after you "decide" to clean yourself up.
In my experience, I can only respectfully suggest that you stop now, in time to keep the good things in your life together. I have been amazed to discover how much of my anxiety was actually caused, not cured, by alcohol. Get back to the gym, appreciate what you have, put down the bottle and you can have an amazing life!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
It's hard having anxiety. Thanks for posting your story. I can relate to it in that I also became that which healthier versions of myself had not understood, and somewhat despised.
With anxiety, I've found the only way out is through. I know that's a cliche, but it's a good one. Don't get ahead of yourself. Take it minute to minute. What I've found is that, over a bit of time, that anxiety started to abate, from maintaining the presence of mind that "one minute/day/hour at a time" demands.
Of course, I only have 11 days. But I'm giving it everything I have. Come back here, the people here are great and it can really help. Take care.
With anxiety, I've found the only way out is through. I know that's a cliche, but it's a good one. Don't get ahead of yourself. Take it minute to minute. What I've found is that, over a bit of time, that anxiety started to abate, from maintaining the presence of mind that "one minute/day/hour at a time" demands.
Of course, I only have 11 days. But I'm giving it everything I have. Come back here, the people here are great and it can really help. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by zeroptzero 
I appreciate all the detail and the time it must have taken you to write this. Our stories are somewhat similar. (Then again, I have found similarities in almost every story of every alcoholic and addict that I have listened to in recovery.)
You are right to be worried. The question I suppose is what are you prepared to do about it? Realizing that it may take something bad happening to truly motivate you is not a step forward in and of itself. I can't say that it is inevitable, you could continue on in your anxiety-ridden drunken cycle for a long time. All I can tell you is that you have been gifted with intelligence, some business success, and a wife who has been patient and forgiving. You are risking all of that, and it doesn't automatically stay with you or return after you "decide" to clean yourself up.
In my experience, I can only respectfully suggest that you stop now, in time to keep the good things in your life together. I have been amazed to discover how much of my anxiety was actually caused, not cured, by alcohol. Get back to the gym, appreciate what you have, put down the bottle and you can have an amazing life!
You are right to be worried. The question I suppose is what are you prepared to do about it? Realizing that it may take something bad happening to truly motivate you is not a step forward in and of itself. I can't say that it is inevitable, you could continue on in your anxiety-ridden drunken cycle for a long time. All I can tell you is that you have been gifted with intelligence, some business success, and a wife who has been patient and forgiving. You are risking all of that, and it doesn't automatically stay with you or return after you "decide" to clean yourself up.
In my experience, I can only respectfully suggest that you stop now, in time to keep the good things in your life together. I have been amazed to discover how much of my anxiety was actually caused, not cured, by alcohol. Get back to the gym, appreciate what you have, put down the bottle and you can have an amazing life!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 438
Welcome RyanC to SR!
Since we can't give medical advice here, I will just share with you my own story. The thought of mixing vodka and xanax makes me cringe. I had been sober a few months back in November last year, something happened that was out of my control and I got mad & fixed my "mad at my circumstances" with buying a bottle of vodka. At the time I was also taking an SSRI and xanax for anxiety. I binged on the vodka, I blacked out shortly after and sometime during my blackout, I took approx 10 xanax (so I'm told by the person I had told while I was blacked out). I became extremely ill, couldn't hardly walk or stand, fell into my sliding glass door (it didn't break thank God) where my husband had to pick me up off the floor. He was trying to get me to the car to take me to the ER & I fell 2 more times on the way through the house, smacking my head on the tile floor in my kitchen right in front of my 9 yr old daughter. I was taken to the ER where they saved my life. I was out of it, my BP was so low they had a hard time administering an IV, I had a seizure and I almost died right there in the ER. Of course I have none of my own memories from this night. I work up the next afternoon in my bed at home with a hospital bracelet around my wrist, bruises all over my body, and I had no idea what had happened. Mixing the alcohol and the xanax almost cost my my life. I can only speak from my own experience RyanC...but it is a deadly game of roulette when mixing the substances. I pray you never have to experience what I did. Alcoholism is a disease and it is clever and it will take me down I know for sure. Sorry for the long reply here to your post, I just really connected with what you were sharing and I know too well the consequences it can bring.
You can make a change at any time...you don't have to lose it all, you don't have to experience all you "luck running out"...it's a scary chance to take with your own life.
Maybe just start with not drinking, just for today?
You're in my prayers
Since we can't give medical advice here, I will just share with you my own story. The thought of mixing vodka and xanax makes me cringe. I had been sober a few months back in November last year, something happened that was out of my control and I got mad & fixed my "mad at my circumstances" with buying a bottle of vodka. At the time I was also taking an SSRI and xanax for anxiety. I binged on the vodka, I blacked out shortly after and sometime during my blackout, I took approx 10 xanax (so I'm told by the person I had told while I was blacked out). I became extremely ill, couldn't hardly walk or stand, fell into my sliding glass door (it didn't break thank God) where my husband had to pick me up off the floor. He was trying to get me to the car to take me to the ER & I fell 2 more times on the way through the house, smacking my head on the tile floor in my kitchen right in front of my 9 yr old daughter. I was taken to the ER where they saved my life. I was out of it, my BP was so low they had a hard time administering an IV, I had a seizure and I almost died right there in the ER. Of course I have none of my own memories from this night. I work up the next afternoon in my bed at home with a hospital bracelet around my wrist, bruises all over my body, and I had no idea what had happened. Mixing the alcohol and the xanax almost cost my my life. I can only speak from my own experience RyanC...but it is a deadly game of roulette when mixing the substances. I pray you never have to experience what I did. Alcoholism is a disease and it is clever and it will take me down I know for sure. Sorry for the long reply here to your post, I just really connected with what you were sharing and I know too well the consequences it can bring.
You can make a change at any time...you don't have to lose it all, you don't have to experience all you "luck running out"...it's a scary chance to take with your own life.
Maybe just start with not drinking, just for today?
You're in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
That last part of your post, about worrying that something bad may happen. Listen to it. This worry is there for a reason.. If I listened to that voice, I would not have gone back out, and then proceed to get fired from my job due to drunken behavior on a plane. I am happy to be recovering now, and sometimes it takes what it takes. The thing about all of this, is that you know that the drinking is doing nothing good for you. Quitting is the best thing. I hope that the voice is strong enough for you to take small steps into a different direction. We are here for you, and this community is the best thing that has happened to my life. Keep posting, get involved. Thank you for sharing.
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