Poppy46

I'm new to posting online, so please bear with me. I've been sober on and off for 8 months now with my longest stretch being 4 months. I look at the posts put up by others and I feel so lost, as if I can never get to where they are. I'm 35 and I've been drinking heavily since I was 13. For the last ten years, I've been a functional alcoholic. I earned two college degrees and raised a child while drinking and now I work in a high stress job where I make decisions that significantly impact other people's lives. I'm married to another alcoholic who has been sober for two months and is now saying the bottle is all that ever held us together. I've attended a number of meetings but have always been terrified of asking anyone to be my sponsor. I'm so invested in appearing competent - at work, at home, with strangers...even at aa! But the truth is that I'm a wreck. An absolute ******* wreck and I don't know what to do to end this cycle. The isolation and the despair are overwhelming.

Dee74

Hi Poppy

Looking back to when I go here, on day one, I never thought I'd get to where I am now either....but it is possible - and there a lot of support and encouragement and good ideas here

I can see you're worried about a lot of things right now, but the first step really needs to be to get sober and stay that way.

It's the only best chance you have to deal with all the other stuff

Why not join our Class of June thread? It for everyone quitting or wanting to quit this month

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2013-a-3.html

D

GracieLou

I understand this. I felt I was also a functioning alcoholic. I was always the one to handle everything. Inside I was a wreck too but I never let it show. I think the only emotion I showed was anger and looking back now most of it was because situations did not go as I had planned or pictured. If I cried, I did it alone were no one else could see that I was weak or that I was having a hard time with life.

For me it was an issue of trust. I did not trust anyone or anything. I felt so many people in my life had let me down that I gave up and only relied on myself.

I went to AA when I was 35 too. And I felt exactly as you do. I was capable. I bought the books, went to meetings and I had a sponsor. Looking back now I know it was my feelings of being competent or capable that restricted me. I relied only on me. I was going to solve this. I did not want help, I wanted the tools to help myself.

I was sober a little over 5 months. I relapsed for 9 years.

I am now 44. I came to a point were I had to admit that did not even trust myself anymore. I could not fix this problem alone. I was not competent.

So two months ago I called AA. They sent a person to take me to a meeting. I finally asked for help. I had to trust something other than me. I had to get out of the way because I was the one keeping me from accepting the help.

I am sober 69 days today. I go to meetings. I have a sponsor and I talk to my sponsor. We get together and work the steps. I am going to start step three soon. This is a big step and we are taking it slow. I think we both want to make sure that I fully grasp it. I have no problem with taking things slowly. I am not in a race as there is no finish line.

The help is there. You just have to be willing to ask and accept that help. I know you are terrified, I was too. If you reach out your hand, take that leap, there is someone one the other side to grasp it.

I am here responding to your post. I understand what you are going through. There are a lot more people out there just like me waiting and willing to help you once you take that first step.

Living

GracieLou - great response to Poppy. I do not believe there is a finish line in living, just us taking each day and making it the best one.

ImperfectlyMe

Morning poppy, I totally get the painted happy perfect persona..."tears of a clown". I too was a very high functioning alcoholically challenged person. I took every measure to ensure no one saw my inner turmoil, including myself. Always put together perfect hair majeup and perfect happy fake face! When I was alone and didn't have to put up a show I was a mess!

I've been working on trying to not fake it any longer. There is freedom in being able to be imperfect!

You have a husband who is also going through the same thing as you... You can use this to strengthen your bond. And create a new dynamic to your relationship. Relationships are cyclical this can begin a new cycle for the two of you to begin learning and growing together.

Stay strong and be good to yourself or no one else will

PeppyGirl

Hi Poppy,

Welcome! You will find lots of support here. You and I have a lot in common- feel free to IM me if you want. Keep coming back, it really helps!

Hugs, PG

Sobreia

Hi Poppy,

I am very sorry to hear how you are suffering. I can very much relate to having high demands, being a high achiever whilst also very self critical. I have spent so many years trying to keep up a perfect facade, being terrified - almost to the point of being paranoid - that anyone would see how miserable I was on the inside. I've felt very alone and isolated, even more so in relationships.

I too have been obsessed with appearing competent, even in therapy I would try to prove how I was capable of handling things on my own, how I was in control, understood my problems and knew how to solve them... This would result in me withholding any information that would prove the opposite. Sad but true.

Alcohol has been a way for me to, temporarily, escape the critical judgemental voice, only to make it worse in the end. Now, when I am sober I am finally beginning to confront underlying issues that have been troubling me for at least 18 years, forcing myself to open up to people I trust, instead of suppressing and pretending, which has created even more stress and anxiety. It is scary, to have things come to the surface and to open up, but the alternative is much more scary; drinking myself into oblivion, the anxiety and shame, the dysfunctional relationships, the constant stress...

I am still early into sobriety, so cannot offer a lot of solid advice. But I think finding ways of being kinder on yourself, to lessen the pressure and the demands, would be helpful. I've found this site incredibly helpful, and have found it easier to talk to those close to me after having been able to open up on here.

I wish you all the best,
S