Tired of myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 11
Tired of myself
Hello everyone. I've been lurking and reading here for some time now and thought it was time to post a bit about myself.
I'm 39 years old and I've just had a baby. I suffer with depression and anxiety and am basically quite emotionally unstable.I am and always have been a very frightened person, scared of life. Things that come easy to others and very difficult for me. I'm one of those people who gets devastated by the same things that others would just shrug their shoulders at. As a result I have very low confidence and low self-esteem.I've seen psychiatrists and therapists for most of my adult life and have been on some or other antidepressant. As regards my addiction, I was first prescribed valium for panic attacks in my early 20s and I became addicted to them.I remember those first 2 valium I took. It was like wow! this is what it feels like to not be afraid. This is what calm people feel. I can't explain how it happened, something strong coming through in me maybe, but after a few years I managed to quit them for a while. However, in my late 20s I became addicted to Zanax, sleeping pills and painkillers. I was living alone at the time and my job was becoming quite stressful for me. That's what makes me feel like such a weak minded awful person, anytime fear and stress come up in me, I reach for drugs. They take away all my pain like nothing else can.I was self-medicating. I did some really stupid things while high on sleeping pills - losing jobs because people could see I was drugged, crashing at least 3 cars because I was high. It all came to a head and I ended up in rehab. I completed the 28 day program but as soon as I got out I went straight to the doctor and got Zanax and got high. I went to NA meetings for a while but I didn't find them helpful.That winter I ended up in hospital for an overdose. I nearly died. I tell myself I should have died as I was sick of life at this point. I do have an amazing love and respect for my partner who stuck with me through everything. There were times he could have left. I put him through hell.I sometimes tell myself he just stayed because we own a house together and the last thing he'd want to do is move back in with his parents. I mean, how could love someone like me?I gave up everything for the duration of the pregnancy, but I've started using painkillers again. I'm so nervous with my baby all the time. I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach everytime he cries. I seen a psychiatrist and I was put on antidepressents. They haven't started working yet.I feel like I did a very selfish thing bringing a baby into the world with an awful person for a mother like me, but my partner really wanted a child, and I felt that having a child would help me finally get my act together. But I'm crying all the time, i'm stressed all the time and my mood is quite low. I need to learn how to deal with stress, pain and fear without abusing drugs. I wish exercise and meditation and yoga did it but they don't work. I'm tired of myself so much, I'm tired of being mentally ill and finding everything in life so difficult. I even tried to build a career for myself in software testing but I didn't have what it takes. I've been unemployed now for 3 years and don't know what to do. I just what to be able to function well enough for my baby.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this. How does someone like me live without drugs?Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I'm 39 years old and I've just had a baby. I suffer with depression and anxiety and am basically quite emotionally unstable.I am and always have been a very frightened person, scared of life. Things that come easy to others and very difficult for me. I'm one of those people who gets devastated by the same things that others would just shrug their shoulders at. As a result I have very low confidence and low self-esteem.I've seen psychiatrists and therapists for most of my adult life and have been on some or other antidepressant. As regards my addiction, I was first prescribed valium for panic attacks in my early 20s and I became addicted to them.I remember those first 2 valium I took. It was like wow! this is what it feels like to not be afraid. This is what calm people feel. I can't explain how it happened, something strong coming through in me maybe, but after a few years I managed to quit them for a while. However, in my late 20s I became addicted to Zanax, sleeping pills and painkillers. I was living alone at the time and my job was becoming quite stressful for me. That's what makes me feel like such a weak minded awful person, anytime fear and stress come up in me, I reach for drugs. They take away all my pain like nothing else can.I was self-medicating. I did some really stupid things while high on sleeping pills - losing jobs because people could see I was drugged, crashing at least 3 cars because I was high. It all came to a head and I ended up in rehab. I completed the 28 day program but as soon as I got out I went straight to the doctor and got Zanax and got high. I went to NA meetings for a while but I didn't find them helpful.That winter I ended up in hospital for an overdose. I nearly died. I tell myself I should have died as I was sick of life at this point. I do have an amazing love and respect for my partner who stuck with me through everything. There were times he could have left. I put him through hell.I sometimes tell myself he just stayed because we own a house together and the last thing he'd want to do is move back in with his parents. I mean, how could love someone like me?I gave up everything for the duration of the pregnancy, but I've started using painkillers again. I'm so nervous with my baby all the time. I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach everytime he cries. I seen a psychiatrist and I was put on antidepressents. They haven't started working yet.I feel like I did a very selfish thing bringing a baby into the world with an awful person for a mother like me, but my partner really wanted a child, and I felt that having a child would help me finally get my act together. But I'm crying all the time, i'm stressed all the time and my mood is quite low. I need to learn how to deal with stress, pain and fear without abusing drugs. I wish exercise and meditation and yoga did it but they don't work. I'm tired of myself so much, I'm tired of being mentally ill and finding everything in life so difficult. I even tried to build a career for myself in software testing but I didn't have what it takes. I've been unemployed now for 3 years and don't know what to do. I just what to be able to function well enough for my baby.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this. How does someone like me live without drugs?Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
I too was a Valium & booze addict for decades.
The only thing that I found to treat my alcoholism was commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous. It treats the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual aspects of my needs.
All the best.
Bob R
The only thing that I found to treat my alcoholism was commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous. It treats the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual aspects of my needs.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 453
Congrats on your Baby, congrats on your reaching out to get help. Does your current Psychatrist know "everything" about your struggles with prescription drugs? If not I would make sure to let them know "everything". Also perhaps you can get a referal to Doctor who specializes in addiction medicine as well as depression and anxiety disorders, they may beable to provide you with important medical guidance. Depression and Anxiety disorders as you know are very real illnesses. We would not expect a diabetic to use sheer will power to control diabetes. Many depression and Anxiety disorders require medication. As long as we are honest with our doctors and ourselves about our addiction and make sure that we use the medication in the prescribed manner.
I wish you only the best in your journey through motherhood. I am sure you are a great mom and Even though you might not feel that at times, just remember that depression makes everything look dark, our thoughts while depressed are clouded and blurry, the storm will pass and the sun will shine again. I hope today is a better day for you.
I wish you only the best in your journey through motherhood. I am sure you are a great mom and Even though you might not feel that at times, just remember that depression makes everything look dark, our thoughts while depressed are clouded and blurry, the storm will pass and the sun will shine again. I hope today is a better day for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 457
Congrats on the new baby! Congrats on finally reaching out to us for help!
The only thing that worked for me was finding a good AA homegroup that was a good fit for my personality. I found a sponsor, and followed his advice. I work the steps, and do daily motivational readings. I attend AA meetings weekly, some people need more. That is what has worked for me and several other people from my homegroup that have 30 plus years of sobriety. It works if you want it and work it. They are living proof and my weekly inspiration. I wish you all the best!
The only thing that worked for me was finding a good AA homegroup that was a good fit for my personality. I found a sponsor, and followed his advice. I work the steps, and do daily motivational readings. I attend AA meetings weekly, some people need more. That is what has worked for me and several other people from my homegroup that have 30 plus years of sobriety. It works if you want it and work it. They are living proof and my weekly inspiration. I wish you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,204
Hi, as you can see by my name, my baby is my biggest inspiration to quit. Keep posting, it really helps. I'm afraid all the time too, but I'm immune to benzos, probably a good thing, they have no effect on me so I don't bother. I was just a drunk. But it's the same thing really. I wanted to not feel afraid. I actually found with a buzz I was a more relaxed, attentive, and patient mom! So I'm learning to be all those things even while totally sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Hugs, Siobhan. If you'd like I can pm you a blog by a woman who shared at length her story about needing psychiatric help after having a baby. She doesn't address addiction issues, but sometimes reading that even "regular" people have a terrible go of things after giving birth can maybe give you comfort that you're not alone.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Siobhan,
Congratulations on your baby, and I'm glad you want to be healthy to be able to raise your child. I strongly suggest that you talk to your psychiatrist or dr about what is going on with you.
I also have had anxiety almost all my life and panic attacks at time. There are many really good books and workbooks that help you to deal with stress and anxiety without medication. "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett might be helpful for you.
Congratulations on your baby, and I'm glad you want to be healthy to be able to raise your child. I strongly suggest that you talk to your psychiatrist or dr about what is going on with you.
I also have had anxiety almost all my life and panic attacks at time. There are many really good books and workbooks that help you to deal with stress and anxiety without medication. "From Panic to Power" by Lucinda Bassett might be helpful for you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Congratulations on your bub. Parenting adds a whole new set of emotions to deal with doesn't it? I had my first in early recovery but I was much younger (22) and now I am on early recovery again at 35 with 5 children. They mean the world to me.
I can't answer any of your questions because I feel the same. I know we can do it though. One day at a time. Xx
I can't answer any of your questions because I feel the same. I know we can do it though. One day at a time. Xx
Nothing is impossible!
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: EAGAN
Posts: 792
Originally Posted by Siobhan74 
Hello everyone. I've been lurking and reading here for some time now and thought it was time to post a bit about myself.
I'm 39 years old and I've just had a baby. I suffer with depression and anxiety and am basically quite emotionally unstable.I am and always have been a very frightened person, scared of life. Things that come easy to others and very difficult for me. I'm one of those people who gets devastated by the same things that others would just shrug their shoulders at. As a result I have very low confidence and low self-esteem.I've seen psychiatrists and therapists for most of my adult life and have been on some or other antidepressant. As regards my addiction, I was first prescribed valium for panic attacks in my early 20s and I became addicted to them.I remember those first 2 valium I took. It was like wow! this is what it feels like to not be afraid. This is what calm people feel. I can't explain how it happened, something strong coming through in me maybe, but after a few years I managed to quit them for a while. However, in my late 20s I became addicted to Zanax, sleeping pills and painkillers. I was living alone at the time and my job was becoming quite stressful for me. That's what makes me feel like such a weak minded awful person, anytime fear and stress come up in me, I reach for drugs. They take away all my pain like nothing else can.I was self-medicating. I did some really stupid things while high on sleeping pills - losing jobs because people could see I was drugged, crashing at least 3 cars because I was high. It all came to a head and I ended up in rehab. I completed the 28 day program but as soon as I got out I went straight to the doctor and got Zanax and got high. I went to NA meetings for a while but I didn't find them helpful.That winter I ended up in hospital for an overdose. I nearly died. I tell myself I should have died as I was sick of life at this point. I do have an amazing love and respect for my partner who stuck with me through everything. There were times he could have left. I put him through hell.I sometimes tell myself he just stayed because we own a house together and the last thing he'd want to do is move back in with his parents. I mean, how could love someone like me?I gave up everything for the duration of the pregnancy, but I've started using painkillers again. I'm so nervous with my baby all the time. I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach everytime he cries. I seen a psychiatrist and I was put on antidepressents. They haven't started working yet.I feel like I did a very selfish thing bringing a baby into the world with an awful person for a mother like me, but my partner really wanted a child, and I felt that having a child would help me finally get my act together. But I'm crying all the time, i'm stressed all the time and my mood is quite low. I need to learn how to deal with stress, pain and fear without abusing drugs. I wish exercise and meditation and yoga did it but they don't work. I'm tired of myself so much, I'm tired of being mentally ill and finding everything in life so difficult. I even tried to build a career for myself in software testing but I didn't have what it takes. I've been unemployed now for 3 years and don't know what to do. I just what to be able to function well enough for my baby.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this. How does someone like me live without drugs?Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
I'm 39 years old and I've just had a baby. I suffer with depression and anxiety and am basically quite emotionally unstable.I am and always have been a very frightened person, scared of life. Things that come easy to others and very difficult for me. I'm one of those people who gets devastated by the same things that others would just shrug their shoulders at. As a result I have very low confidence and low self-esteem.I've seen psychiatrists and therapists for most of my adult life and have been on some or other antidepressant. As regards my addiction, I was first prescribed valium for panic attacks in my early 20s and I became addicted to them.I remember those first 2 valium I took. It was like wow! this is what it feels like to not be afraid. This is what calm people feel. I can't explain how it happened, something strong coming through in me maybe, but after a few years I managed to quit them for a while. However, in my late 20s I became addicted to Zanax, sleeping pills and painkillers. I was living alone at the time and my job was becoming quite stressful for me. That's what makes me feel like such a weak minded awful person, anytime fear and stress come up in me, I reach for drugs. They take away all my pain like nothing else can.I was self-medicating. I did some really stupid things while high on sleeping pills - losing jobs because people could see I was drugged, crashing at least 3 cars because I was high. It all came to a head and I ended up in rehab. I completed the 28 day program but as soon as I got out I went straight to the doctor and got Zanax and got high. I went to NA meetings for a while but I didn't find them helpful.That winter I ended up in hospital for an overdose. I nearly died. I tell myself I should have died as I was sick of life at this point. I do have an amazing love and respect for my partner who stuck with me through everything. There were times he could have left. I put him through hell.I sometimes tell myself he just stayed because we own a house together and the last thing he'd want to do is move back in with his parents. I mean, how could love someone like me?I gave up everything for the duration of the pregnancy, but I've started using painkillers again. I'm so nervous with my baby all the time. I get a knot of anxiety in my stomach everytime he cries. I seen a psychiatrist and I was put on antidepressents. They haven't started working yet.I feel like I did a very selfish thing bringing a baby into the world with an awful person for a mother like me, but my partner really wanted a child, and I felt that having a child would help me finally get my act together. But I'm crying all the time, i'm stressed all the time and my mood is quite low. I need to learn how to deal with stress, pain and fear without abusing drugs. I wish exercise and meditation and yoga did it but they don't work. I'm tired of myself so much, I'm tired of being mentally ill and finding everything in life so difficult. I even tried to build a career for myself in software testing but I didn't have what it takes. I've been unemployed now for 3 years and don't know what to do. I just what to be able to function well enough for my baby.
Thankyou for taking the time to read this. How does someone like me live without drugs?Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
you are SO hard on yourself!!! How can you grow and build confidence if you are beating yourself up like this daily? Also, you may have some post partom depression rearing its ugly head. The longer you stay off chemicals, the better you will feel and your mind, body, and soul begin to heal and balance. Its not going to happen overnight, and I wish yo blessings and good luck.
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