Splash29

Hi everyone. I'm 5 days sober and hanging on to a thread. I have been taking my sobriety pretty seriously after I was in the hospital for alcohol. I've struggled to stay away, but for this past week I have rededicated myself to meetings.

I'm really struggling with my emotions this week so far. I was fired today and last weekend my boyfriend broke up with me. Normally I'd be sitting at a bar dealing with all this talking to a drinking buddy about how life is treating me horribly. I'm freaked out about what to do next. I worry I'm going to die homeless and poor. I'm almost 30 and I still have nothing. I don't understand how to be sad or mad. I don't even know who i am without a drinking helping express my thoughts. Thoughts even to myself! How do I even think without alcohol? I have been a black drunk since I was 15 and I loved that numbness and I don't how to live without the numbness. I don't want to turn 30 with nothing to show.

I went straight to a meeting after I was fired today instead of a bar and I shared for the first time, but it was really embarrassing because I couldn't stop crying. I'm just terrified of my own emotions. I want to see a therapist, but I don't have health insurance anymore.

Dollyangel17

Welcome! So sorry you have so much to to deal with so new in your sobriety. Try to hang in there, and stay here with us posting and reading...it really helps. One thing for sure...drinking will only make the problems worse, not better.

Feel better.

doggonecarl

Then don't drink, no matter how bad your situation looks. You got here because of drinking. Drinking won't make it better.

The climb back up from nothing to something depends on you staying sober.

Good luck. Stay strong. Stay close to SR for support.

2granddaughters

The oldtimers in AA will help you through this. Get to as many meetings as possible.

All the best.

Bob R

Michael66

That's so good. Well done! You can store these successes up to remember in other hard times (though I pray you have few of those).

OneLessLonely

I'm so sorry for all you are dealing with right now. But pay yourself on the back for going to a meeting instead of the bar. That is huge. Feeling intense emotions ordealig with intense situations for the first few times felt extremely foreign and uncomfortable (to say the least). I remember physically squirming and writhing from not knowing why to do with myself and from not drinking. The mind cannot always understand what the body and the heart feel so don't over think it. Allow yourself to just be. People come back from horrible adversity and if you stay sober and put in the work, you can too. Just keeping adding to your program of recovery.

Wastinglife

I lost my job and my ex-gf in same week last year due to my drinking, so I know how hopeless you feel. I am 36 now and have nothing show. The first step to getting back on track is getting sober. I have been in recovery a year now (a few slips here and there) but I am determined to change my life. You're only 29! I know 30 somethings who still live with their parents! Plenty of time to turn things around!

ElegantlyWasted

All I can add is that early sobriety does suck in a way. We're learning how to cope with normal every day crap in a new way and bigger bumps in the road feel like mountains. Point being... You have the ability to get through this and to a much better place. The light at the end of the tunnel isn't a train; its something much better.

Maylie

Great job going to a meeting instead of the bar! We are so used to numbing our emotions that it takes awhile before our first reaction isn't to go use when something bad happens. Drinking wouldn't fix any of your problems, it would just add to the problems.

You say you have nothing, well being sober will allow you to have a clear head which you will need in order to pick yourself up! Take it a day at a time and maybe make a list of what you want to accomplish. Setting small and long term goals helps because you can accomplish the short term goals while working towards the long term ones!

It might not be easy, but you can do it! And don't feel bad about crying at a meeting, I can promise you everyone there has had days if not weeks like that. Crying is healthy and it shows you that you can still feel. It is better to cry then to numb yourself by drinking.

Keep moving forward!

tomsteve

feelings and emotions!! all them that were being blocked by alcohol hit me like 20 tons of bricks after my last drunk. my forst meeting all i could say is,"im tom im an alcoholic nd i cant take it any more."
didnt have to say anything else.them folks knew and had a great solution to learn what the cause of all them feeling and emotions were caused by and how to fix it.
but ya know what? today i still got feelings and emotions!! but they are awesome ones!

if ya keep goin back, get a sponsor to help guide ya through the steps and put in the footwork of the program, this will happen:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear.

We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

Self-seeking will slip away.

Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves

suzi_Q

Well done in going to a meeting. As I am finding out daily, it does get easier. You do get stronger and you do begin to feel better every day! On some days I feel raw and painful, and think I can't do this, but I get through the day and then count how many days sober and I feel proud of myself - and that is a feeling I have not had in years. You can do it

Bubovski

It seems you are going through a pretty hard trial what with losing your job etc.
The dulling escape provided by alcohol is very temporary with a vicious afterbite as you know.
Keep up the meetings, talk to God as in accord with your understandings, and continue coming here.........you have my prayers.

SeekSobriety

Sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having now. I am so happy that you were able to come here and post about your issues and stay sober. That is not easy to do.

My advice to you I would be to go to as many meetings as you can for the next few days or weeks, stay around people and share, work on step work with a sponsor.

As for finding a therapist, there are many low cost options available for people who do not have insurance, you can try calling a local University and asking to speak to someone in the Psychology department for a reference, they usually have good leads for where you can go to find low to no cost therapy.

Getting let go from a job is never easy but one thing that helped me when I went through the same thing, was the thought that the universe has a plan for me, I do not know what it is but as long as I stay sober, stay present and work on becoming a better person, helping others and being grateful for what I have, things will fall into place.

When I was let go and had time on my hands I was able to attend many more meetings and volunteer helping the elderly, helping others was a good way for me to feel better about myself while helping someone else, it also kept me out of my head, which is crucial for me.

Through AA I was able to find many mentors and even had leads to Jobs and people who offered to help me work on updating my resume.

I am sending you good thoughts, I hope and pray that things start getting better for you. Just remember, drinking will only make things worse (but I know you probably already know that)

Gottalife

Same thing happened to me. A few weeks sober and got fired. Not only that but all my stuff was stolen from my locker. And I did the same thing you did, went to a meeting, put sobriety first. A much better job came along within a few days.

I learned that these external events over which I have no control have nothing to do with whether I will drink or not. I also learned that when one door closes, another one opens, and while I may be dissapointed and upset at the time, there are many instances where I am very glad today that I didn't get what I thought I wanted back then. That was in 1980 by the way.

Splash29

Thanks you guys. I'm less freaked out today, but still terrified of my future. But there is nothing I can change about that except taking action. It's overwhelming. I just moved and now I have to find a new job and I'm not even sure what field I want to work in! It's just hard to feel all this at once without using alcohol.

2granddaughters

Are you attending AA meetings regularly?

Bob R

Nighthawk8820

You are taking steps in the right direction. One of the biggest obstacles we all face is comparing ourselves to others, our peers, or people in the same age bracket. You cannot do this, its destructive, and you are you!!! No one else has walked your shoes, so there is no way you can compare yourself to others. So what if you are 30 and have to start over? Better now than when you are 40-50-60, which is what will happen if you dont take control of the addiction now. Starting over is never easy, and usually scary as crap. Think of it as a chance to completely reinvent yourself and leave everything you didnt like about yourself in the past. Ive seen so many addicts who are constantly comparing themselves to those around them, and all this does it limit your own personal growth and bring down your self esteem. To hell with age I say. You are embarking on a life changing journey and I admit, its not always easy, but I promise you that it is worth it. Who knows where you will be in 2 years? Things can change so fast when you are productive and doing things besides drinking or drugs, you would be amazed.

Nighthawk8820

When you stop drinking, you have to learn to deal with and process you emotions the right way. Alcohol inhibits personal growth and stunts your emotional processes. You can re-learn how to cope with drama and life in general if you give yourself the chance.