abcabcabc

Hello,
I have browsed this site several times before. I guess it really took the entire last year for me to move from thinking maybe I actually was an alcoholic to realizing I am and probably have been for years. Now I'm not entirely sure what to do about it, but I figure this is a start!
I am in my mid 20's, and constantly surrounded by alcohol. I'm a musician and a student, and everyone around me drinks, often excessively...I think I know a lot of people who probably have alcohol problems, but I guess it's pretty normalized in the crowds I'm around (musicians and university students).
I guess I deluded myself into thinking I had more control than I actually have. The truth is, sometimes I can go out and have a beer and that's that. Now I see that more often than not, that is NOT the case. I don't even know what happens- I become a different person...I become fixated on drinking more, no matter what, if it means staying up until 5 AM blacked out drunk with people I barely know...and to top it off, I am a BAD drunk. I have lost friends. I can be mean. I get angry, emotional, unreasonable, promiscuous.
Although it's not an every night occurrence for me, I can't deal with how I feel after those nights. The feelings of shame and self loathing are so overwhelming and have led to a lot of depression. I suffer from anxiety disorder, so drinking became a crutch for me at a pretty young age. My last black out binge night was 5 days ago now, and as I was lying in my hallway so weak I could barely stand up after throwing up for hours, I felt terrified.
I've told myself tons of times I'd just "cut down on my drinking", or that I could go out and just have a good time like other people. But I can't. Not knowing what happened on nights that I've blacked out, but hearing stories that just make me cringe....it's started making my life unbearable. I can barely stand to think about the things I've said or done. Sometimes I ask, other times I just don't want to know. I feel like I am a bad person, even though I don't know how I ended up this way...and I don't want to be anymore. I want to be a good friend, someone respectable...and I want to respect myself.
So, here it is. I really want to be done. I'm worried though, about being able to extricate myself from the drinking culture that's so prevalent in my city and among my friends and musical peers. I don't know how to continue playing music when every music scene seems to take place in bars and clubs, where I can't trust myself right now. But I just feel really strongly now that it's time for me to finally make this change, no matter what it takes.
Thank you for reading...

Dee74

Welcome abcabcabc

I think each of us has a life that's centred around booze, & it doesn't really matter if we're a housewife, a construction worker, a celebrity, an executive, or a student and musician.

If we want change enough we'll make the necessary changes

I was a student and musician too - I had to change a lot of things about my life, and a lot of friends....but I don't regret that.

I stayed sober.

D

CarpeDiem11

I just joined and did my first post today. It's a strange feeling for sure. I agree with Dee74 that it seems all of our lives are centered around booze. I'm a stay at home mom. We all (my stay at home mom friends) obsess about needing a drink and it seems our get togethers revolve around booze every time. This will be an interesting journey for sure, but I have NO doubt that when we make it to the other side we will be so glad we did. I don't want to wake up again one more time feeling like a bad person or regretting acting or saying something I did the night before. I felt that way last Sunday. Come hell or high water I won't let it happen again. This is going to be a huge change for us. We just have to forge our way forward one day at a time until we find our 'new normal'. People work their way out of alcoholism. Why can't it be us? We CAN do it! One day at a time. One day at a time. Wishing you the best of luck!

Ozarkcowboy

Welcome to you too abcabcabc, you have made a good decision and I have to tell you that I wish I had made the same one when I was your age. You have to do what is right for YOU, not what others think is right for you. So easy to say, not so easy to do. Congrats and let us know when you need an ear to lean on.

Ozarkcowboy

Welcome to you also CarpeDiem11.... Like your can do attitude!!! Thats really what it takes. Congrats to you also!!!!

jagger2012

I too wish I would have made the decision in my mid 20's, but we're here now doing the best we can and that's what matters. Abcabc, I too had a black out 5 nights ago and its still troubling but I was told to let it go because even if I could remember, I couldn't change a thing! Great advice I believe and I'm gonna take it! Welcome aboard...

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

bigsombrero

Welcome ABC - you'll find a ton of support here. It's a great place for ideas, positive reinforcement, as well as a good place to listen and learn. You're not alone - I and thousands of others are here with you, fighting this beast. A lot of us can't even remember the "nice guy/gals" we used to be...the fact that you have a desire to be a better friend and better person means you're on the right track. In fact, posting your first post here is a victory in itself. Best of luck to you in this battle, I think you'll find some great resources here.

Grungehead

As people often do here, they say something that triggers something in my mind about myself, my alcoholism, and how I can relate it to other things in my life.

I had heart surgery in 2004 to replace my aortic valve. I got the surgery date 2 months in advance. I went through some pain (but not as bad as I thought it would be) and a recovery period. Once I fully recovered I felt better than I did before the surgery.

I can relate the fear and anxiety I had waiting for surgery to the fear and anxiety I had knowing that I had to do something about my drinking. I knew if I didn't have surgery that eventually my valve would quit working and I would die, and it could be a year, 5 years, 10 years...but it would eventually kill me. I knew if I didn't quit drinking it would eventually ruin my life and possibly be the cause of my death.

I can relate the pain and recovery period of my surgery to the pain and recovery period of getting sober. It's scary and it's not easy, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

I can relate feeling better than ever following the surgery to feeling better than ever after getting sober. The rewards of both were worth pushing past the fear and anxiety and facing the pain and hard work required for both to be successful.

Kind of weird I know, but I guess my point is that even though I had some of the same feelings about my surgery I never thought about not going through it because I knew I needed it to live. I guess I'm trying to tell myself I should look at my alcoholism in the in the same way. I need to stay sober in order to live, figuratively and quite possibly literally.

abcabcabc

Thank you to everyone for your replies and support. Today marks one week sober for me!

CarpeDiem11

Awesome!

Dee74

way to go abc³

D