Thinking Im out of place
 

Im feeling out of place. I feel it here, and at home. In the town I live. I am afraid that something awful is going to happen, and my life will be destroyed. I have the circle of my last episode of drinking running through my head on repeat. I feel sorry about everything, and I am worried about myself and just about anything you can think of.
This sucks. I hate this feeling and I just realized that this type of thinking is abnormal. I know it will pass. I guess I just need someone to tell me that i am doing alright, and that I am not out of place. Like being here on the forum. My sense of belonging has always been screwed up.
Thank you and sorry for the low self esteem (if that is what it is called) Yuck! Okay....This looks pitiful. I am going to post it anyways....because I hit the erase button often.

Have you got a Dr or a therapist you see Miz?
you've been feeling unsettled for a while now?

D

Right. Yes, I have been unsettled for awhile. I think I should go to a doctor, or therapist. Maybe both. I will call about that.

I am truly sorry that you feel out of place. Many of us have felt the same way. I want you to know that if you want support and encouragement to begin the journey of recovery then you are in the right place.
I have been told that 'feelings often are not fact'. I hope you trust us enough here to believe that. We will love you until you can love yourself. You are not alone. Keep coming and posting. We are listening.

What I know for certain is that I will not drink over this. I think this sort of thing helped me to drink again last time. I am coming up on 3 months again, and I see a pattern. This time around I am not doing anything that will be detrimental to my life. The underlying issues need to be addressed. There is no reason for this to continue... I have to be able to talk this through with someone. So, a professional will be called here shortly. Not my first rodeo in this arena. My anxiety gets the best of me.

There is absolutely no shame in reaching out for help.
I've had to do it myself on occaisons.

Sometimes we need that someone on the shore to help guide us in :)

good call Miz :)
D

Hi Mizzuno. I just wanted to let you know how I understand that feeling. The sense of dread, the lack of belonging. I don't know how old you are, but did you feel like that when you were very young too? I always dreaded answering the phone, checking mail, pretty much everything because so much bad happened, what bad would happen next? Then as I got older, the horrible old stupid drunk tapes that would play & rewind in my head.

I hope you start feeling more "like yourself". I really enjoy your posts, tho I don't post a ton myself. Everything you say will resonate with someone, please remember that :) Sometimes it's so hard to feel like we belong when we've been drunk & screwed up for so many years. For me , I've started small. Making sure my home is a safe haven for me, learning who my friends are (my circle has become very small), that sort of thing. I guess the disconnect is normal here and there. I always felt out of place, even when I was very young. It's getting better. Finally.

Work through it Mizzuno; you're at 3 months, so keep adding on to those months. You'll come out the other side. Everyone feels out of place sometimes, but it sounds like you're obsessing about it a little. Usually, our perceptions of what people think of us are vastly differrent than what others really think of us. Focus on doing good things for yourself.

Yes, I will work through this. I have always had anxiety, and sometimes it is worse than other times. It really depends on what is happening in my existence. Sometimes I do not even know that it has come into my life full force until I post things like the first post. Ummm..... I am thinking this is because my University put me on Academic Watch ( due to my younger behavior of dropping classes) and I have a 98.97 in my class as of today. I have to prove myself to them. I just think that I am feeling stressed and this is how it presents itself, in the form of anxious obsessing. This may be it. It may be other things as well.
The doom feeling is terrible. I must work through this.

And, next week the doctors are BURNING the nerves in my back. I am scared. The last time that I went in to have the test appointment they put me on so many drugs that I was in a Valium black out. This freaked me out, and it took me a week to recover. So, this may be the culprit. I think this is it.

You are awesome mizz. I love your posts. I've got nothing else except that. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lets just reinforce my sense of not belonging today! Are you ready?
I drove North to do some Demo work at this small crunchy granola hipster store. I thought this would get me out of my head, and for a time it did. Only on the drive there.
When I got there this lady told me, and I quote; " YOU ARE NOT MY FAVORITE PERSON, AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU, AND EVERYBODY KNOWS ME IN THIS TOWN! ......I listened and tried to explain myself. She would not let me communicate. The store that I worked at denied selling her book thinking that it did not fit in with the atmosphere, and that it would not sell. I was given the job of saying "No" to her. I did not want to do this job of telling her NO. I had to. The owner pays me my pay check. So, I told her as gently as I could. It wasn't abrasive, I was gentle. Needless to say, she still felt that if she could talk to the owner things would have been different. I said that the owner did not want to sell the book, and wanted me to say NO. I am not going to work in a small space so close to an individual that does not want me to be there, I am not ONE OF HER FAVORITE PEOPLE!
She did go onto say that she has never has issues with communication and people, but she is not able to communicate with me etc..... while storming off in an emotional flurry. I needed to respectfully walk out of that very very uncomfortable situation and decline work. I drove the 30 min home crying, and thinking to myself that communication is a two way street, and if a person wants to communicate effectively they should most likely let the other person talk. Hmmm......What a screwed up head mess. I am vulnerable. What is the message? I do not need to work up North. I can not be responsible for somebody else and their emotions. I am now at home feeling drained.
( I was wondering what would happen if we ran into each other again)

Sounds like this woman's problem Miz, not yours?

D

Yes, sometimes in life we are told no. She doesnt like me for it. I am trying to think of what I could have or should have done. I did what I was told. My side of the street is clear. In this I know it is clear. Doing another persons dirty work is horrible.
I tried to make it better with her. There is no way of doing that. Ya know, some people do not like me. Period.

Yes, Mizzuno, Dee is right. It sounds like she was using you to blame for her book not being sold in your store. It wasn't your choice and she didn't want to hear that.

As far as feeling out of place, I agree that you're feeling anxiety. I get like that too and it can be disconcerting. Have you ever tried meditation? I find that it allows me to find that place within myself, which is full of love and acceptance. It might help you. :)

Well, meditation and me are like oil and water. My therapist was always telling me to meditate, and my resistance has been HUGE. My brain is a Ferris Wheel. I have all these books on meditation, and mindfulness, and relaxing, and everything under the sun that one can do to ease tension. I should probably start putting all those books into practice, and not just read them. :) Okay, I will make a schedule of meditation, and actually meditate. Thank you Anna! And Dee, and everyone else who is helping me through this tough day of nonsense.

Sorry to hear about your feelings Mizzuno. I've been there recently and am still struggling. Related to your most recent "run-in" with the hippie granola lady - I'd let it roll of your back, if you can. It's only natural for someone who feels rejected to lash out...after all, we alcoholics do it pretty often, right? Normal people do that too!

You were delivering bad news - the old saying "don't shoot the messenger" is there for a reason...because people so often DO shoot the messenger! Wrong place, wrong time, nothing more.

You fit in. You fit in just perfectly here, in fact. And you're not an outcast or a weirdo, you're a unique person who I'm sure adds a lot to the lives of your friends and the folks in your neighborhood and town. Glad to see you're posting here and not deleting it - it shows you're getting your head on straight and not afraid to ask for help. Sounds like your instincts are firing on all cylinders.

Mizz,

If it makes you feel any better I do that a lot too.

What I see here in this thread are positives.

You didn't drink over your feelings.

You recognized a pattern in your past that led to relapse and acknowledged it.

You reached out for help here.

You showed a willingness to reach out for outside help.

Shall I go on? :)

Some days just plain suck. It seems everyone and everything all piles on us at the same time. That's when getting through the day without drinking is awesome, because it allows us to have a chance at a better day tomorrow.

Mizz, i would miss u if u ever stopped coming here. :)

http://www.desicomments.com/dc3/03/232014/232014.jpg

Mizzuno, you are clearly a super, duper cool person, and it comes through beautifully through your posts. You've helped me and many others on this forum and please know that you are not alone. I can also relate very well to the sense of not belonging and anxiety. Talking it through with a therapist can definitely be a great help.

I'm sorry to hear about the grouchy woman, please don't let her rudeness and attitude problem rattle you too much. I know that is easier said than done, but it really sounds like she was taking her problems out on you.

If you're still feeling out of sorts and you don't feel like meditating, maybe watch a funny movie to relax and ease your mind a little?

You are doing great Mizz, and know that we are always rooting for you here. :)

This made all the difference in my anxiety and depression. I tend to try and read my way out of problems, but I found mindfulness and calm took practice. I joined a yoga studio and being around others trying to attain the same frame of mind was critical for me. It worked better than any medication I've tried.