One Year Ago Today (Don't Give Up Hope)
 

One year ago today, I gave up drinking. My last drink, as far as I remember, was a chug of dark rum sneaked out of a friend's bottle in their kitchen, on Memorial Day. I was already drunk, but of course that was besides the point. I always wanted to hit that sweet spot of "just drunk enough" but I never found it, right?

At the time, I quit because I was sneaking drinks, fighting with my BF, and terrified I would be called out, fired or left. Now, I see quitting was the best gift I could give myself. After one year of sobriety I can tell you, the hardest part was deciding to stop. That I could stop and life would be OK. After I did that, it was a long-view goal to learn how to live without alcohol as a daily crutch. It took time, it took practice, it took many hours spent on SR and other addiction blogs. Yesterday, I was driving home from work, and feeling grumpy and anxious. I lamented the way my brain works...anxious, overanalyzing, quick to jump to the worst conclusions. But as I was driving and mulling over in my head what I could do to feel better (go for a walk, finish a to-do list, talk to someone) I remembered how the answer used to be simple: drink. Get home from work, barely make it in the door before I was opening my first beer, or sneaking drinks on the way home. Now, I have better tools to handle life. Is it always easy? No. Sometimes life is hard, and painful. But I'm practicing how to life through that on my terms, and I see the benefits of it everyday.

Today, I have a new job. I don't have credit card debt. I have a better relationship with my family. I read books. I still have the love and admiration of my good friends. My BF is currently designing our wedding rings. :) I have good days and bad days. I don't think sobriety is a magic pill. But it is a way of living that feels more like living than I can remember. At my worst, a few years ago, I would come home, drink a bottle of wine and 4 beers, smoke a pack of cigarettes, and compulsively watch TV. No friends, no daily chores, no outside world. Just me and my addiction. That is no way to live, like in a cave. Today, my world is a bigger, wider place, and I try to give back to it.

For the old timers, thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for all you do here on SR and other recovery groups. You inspire, give fellowship, and I would not be here today without you and Sober Recovery. I needed to learn that I was loveable and worthy of a good, authentic life, regardless if I drink or not. We are all worthy of love and life, but now life is just that much better.

For the new timers, don't give up, beautiful friends. I know you are in pain right now, and things seem raw and uncertain. Maybe you have relapses. Maybe you have drama to deal with. I just want to let you know, you have it in you to live your life well. You will find strength in places you didn't know existed. You will find love and strength in yourself. I want you to know I love you, and think of you everyday. Someday, these raw moments will have passed, and you will look at the calendar one year later and think about how far you have come. You might get a little weepy, and feel very grateful. Lean on each other, open your heart to supportive friends, live in less fear and more gratitude and joy. Thank the people who put love and energy into your life. Be the life you want to live.

Today, I'm going to write notes of thanks to my BF and close friends who supported me this past year. I'm going to go to a ballgame and enjoy a big- icy virgin strawberry margarita. I'll probably cry a bit, thinking of how close I came to losing so much. But I'll also take time to think of all you, spread all over the world, each on your own journey. You give me so much comfort, and all of your posts really do help.

You are not alone SR friends. Thank you for all the love and kindness. :You_Rock_

Congratulations on one year Auden. So beautifully written, you have touched my heart. As a consistent relapser for over one year, I have gotten a taste of how wonderful a sober life can be. Your words were just what I needed to hear this morning. You deserve every bit of the peace and pride you seem to be feeling right now. One year is amazing, so happy for you:)

You are an inspiration -- great, great post. Thank you.

Thank you for the beautiful post. I don't post here often, but do drop in from time to time ... usually when I'm struggling. You're post was a good reminder to stay the course.

Today is day 150 of sobriety. That is something I'm proud of, but I've been severely tempted the last week to drink. Maybe it's the change of seasons (summer temptations!) or perhaps it's me needing to find a new level of acceptance with being a non-drinker.

Thanks for taking the time to share your journey and perspective.

I was just thinking today about how the first few months were really hard because I felt acutely aware that I wasn't drinking, and it seemed unfair. Over time, however, I tried to remind myself that alcohol is a drug, just like other drugs including hard stuff but also caffeine, and the point is mood alteration. So when I'm out with people drinking, I try to remember that. Makes it seem much less sexy when I think of it as just another drug in the world. I think acceptance does take time, and practice. That's why I still like to read here several times a week, and read addiction articles and memoirs. It's good to remind myself why it's ok not to drink. 150 days is so huge!! You've accomplished a lot, and I'm with you all the way. :)

Thank you! I appreciate it. I should have mentioned, this is in no way my first time trying to quit. I tried moderation, tried quitting before, relapsed, relapsed, relapsed. I don't want to give people the impression I have survivor bias; this was definitely a long process, about 5 years. :) But it did really help when I let myself imagine living without drinking - no contingency plan, no time limit, just, no more. It was actually easier than overcontrolling the situation.

I know you can do it. Just keep talking, posting, sharing, and learning from "failures". I put failures in quotes because I think our mistakes are incredibly powerful, and worth embracing. They teach us a lot, they motivate, they put things into focus. For an anxious person like myself, they are highly feared but incredibly useful.

Are you sober now? Trying anything differently? Do you want to talk about it?

Thank you Auden! It's ironic that you have shared that this wasn't your first time trying because so often I read about people who just wake up one day and stop drinking for good. When I see or hear that, I feel like such a "failure". I feel like I had so many "revelations" that got me to stop for a month or two, but I always seem to relapse. I ALWAYS want to talk about it because I have no one in my "real life" that I share this with. I come on SR and I journal my little heart out in a Word file on my computer :) After years of my drinking escalating and some not so serious attempts to quit, it has been about 18 months of stops and starts for me. I feel I have learned so much about myself, sobriety, and my addiction in this time. I'm not an AA person ( I have tried it). I did drink for the past 3 nights, after about a week sober. I've fallen into this on/off pattern it seems. I have always been scared of imagining a life without alcohol, even though that is truly what I want. So today can be my day one, and hopefully we can share a sobriety date with a one year difference :)

Amen to that. I don't want to endorse failures, but they are incredibly useful. For most of us, quitting is a process.

My current temptations really surprise me, but maybe they shouldn't. The reality is that drinking is enjoyable to many. Having a drink with friends can be fun and relaxing. I need to be honest about that yet also honest with the fact that my drinking would not stop there. Yes, I miss some aspects of drinking, but I don't miss the negative aspects which, in my case, far out weigh the positive.

I suppose that's just where I'm at in my journey ... which is a different place than where I was 150 days ago ... and probably is a different place than where I'll be in another 150 days.

Thanks for listening folks ...

Thank you Auden, for a wonderful, inspiring post!

I'm a "new timer" and I really identify with your pre-sobriety mind set/behaviour. It's no life... I am striving for what you termed an "authentic" life/self.

Congratulations on your one year anniversary, and best wishes too for your nuptials!!

Thank you for sharing your story Auden; it is an inspiration. And well done on the one year mark.

So happy for you Auden. Lovely post. Many many congratulations x

:You_Rock_

Auden - you rock

I too never reach my sweet spot... I want more and more, better and better wine... it never satisfies.... your post captures my problem/s perfeclty

congratz, i am a new to sobriety only 52 days, but i feel so much better. i hope i will be here too on my 1 year anniversary too :)

Really good post, Auden.

Thank you for your story and congratulations on your one year. I recently celebrated a year myself and have never been happier. Keep on keeping on.

Natom.

Thanks for telling your story Auden. I can identify with so much of it...
I'm almost at the 6 month mark after at least two long seemingly hopeless years of stopping, starting, denial, moderation, SR, AA, no SR, no AA etc.
Then, like you one day I stopped and so far I have managed to stay stopped.

SR is a huge support to me and I am so touched by this invisible, worldwide group all struggling and supporting one another as we reach for our recovery and peace of mind. Until we can finally get the chance to live the kind of life that we deserve, once we start to believe in ourselves again and the wounded but beautiful people we really are when the ugliness and tyranny of addiction is slowly and carefully taken away, step by step, day by day.

No matter what way my day goes or what gaps exist in my life I feel totally blessed to be sober and so very grateful to everyone on SR, all who post, read, press the 'thanks' button and send smiley faces!!

Congratulations Auden :)

D

Congrats Auden!! That was a beautiful post. Thank you for being here too :)

Congratulations to you too, Jeni! It's been a big week for you too! :a122:

I've come to accept there is no sweet spot. The anticipation of more is too great. But there is a lot of freedom in accepting that.