Day 14 - did something really stupid today
 

I guess when they say your addiction starts to manifests itself in other areas of life they're not kidding! For me it's through sex. I was so desperate today that I ended up sleeping with a 37 year old man. I felt DISGUSTING afterwards and ashamed and all these feelings of self-hatred came back at once and it was just awful.

I should have listened when they told me that you shouldn't get involved in "intimate"(if you wanna call it that) relationships in your first year of recovery, cause now I feel all f***ed up in the head and it's not that I want to use but it really just ruined the streak of positivity I've had so far. /:

I had the same problem.. I really am not sure if sex drove my drinking or the other way around

BUT - learn from today.... now that I off the sauce for 6 days my sexual addiction has died too.... when I am on the sauce I am always horny..

Good luck

One thing I am doing now when I want to drink or sex is to come to this bulletin board and read as many posts as possible

It can be really tricky, especially in the early days, to swap addictions..because we get that antsy feeling and think we NEED to do something to make it go away.

I had to keep asking myself "is this really going to help?" when I started "going there"....I had a mantra...food is not the answer, pills are not the answer, booze is not the answer, sex is not the answer, cutting is not the answer...

even if it meant sitting on my hands singing Yankee Doodle...I was NOT going to do anything that was going to make anything worse.

Like you, I learned that one the icky way in my early days.

Shake it off. Now you know sexing up random people is NOT the answer, and it makes you feel gross..so, don't go there again.

We live and learn

You shouldn't be so upset with yourself. You're vulnerable right now and you may have just been looking for comfort. The man is the one who took advantage of you. He's the one who should be disgusted. What he did was flat out wt

Oops. Sorry. Hit send on accident. Anyway he was wrong and he seems like a predator. Steer clear of him or tell a trusted adult. I'm an educator and the kids I work with are about your age. I've received some training on this type of behavior and he is the one at fault. Not you. I know you may not be up to pressing charges as you're in a sensitive mind frame, but this guy has some major issues. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not your fault tho.

The man is who you should be disgusted with. Sorry. I'm on my phone.

Hey Jake ,
What's happend has happend , learn from it . Don't let it drag you down . Keep your eye on the goal ,
14 days :You_Rock_

Bestwishes, M

Addictive behaviour can certainly overlap.
Alcohol, lust, drugs, seeking power over others, greed etc
can all work in together sort of thing.
I see alcohol as exacerbating these other problems so sobriety
is certainly a step in the right direction. Keep on track.:abca:

Hey Jakec -

Congrats on 14 days!

Early recovery is bumpy with lots of learnings. Most of us have learned things about ourselves that surprise us, and not always in a way that feels good. Sounds like you got some valuable insights.

Tomorrow is a fresh day - bring on the positivity!

Thank you for all the feedback everyone (:

I'm on day 7 this time and am feeling good for the 1st time in years... thinking clearly and even slept last night.... my sexual urges are dying and when I get edgy on the alcohol or sex thing I am now walking my dog or playing more guitar...

Thanks for your post... keep punching mate

Jake, you're learning and getting through this. The man you were involved with is a predator. You are 17 years old. He should be in jail. You are learning a tough lesson about choosing people to be involved in ANY part of your life.

I know but the sad thing is, is that I lied and told him I was 19 /:

Dude, your struggles strike a chord in me because I can relate. You are SO young and it doesn't seem like you have any real role models or guidance. I cant imagine going through what you are at age 17. It was scary for me, and I was 28. I really want you to get things on track and to experience life the way it was meant to be. Being gay programs us to have a low self esteem, from growing up being bullied, to not ever feeling like we really fit in. Its a tough life, but it doesnt have to be. Your sexuality is 1 fraction of who you are as a young man. You being gay doesnt have to define who you are or how you behave. I learned this the long, hard way, but at least I figured it out. Try and not beat yourself up about the older guy and learn from it. Hopefully you were safe, but honestly, it sounds like you just wanted to make a connection, any connection. I understand that, but you have to find healthier alternatives that will build up your self esteem and confidence, not activities that will bring you down emotionally, psychically, and mentally. Does that make sense? What is it you like to do the most? Go from there.

There is a whole world outside the gay bars, drugs, alcohol, random sex acts, and the many aspects of gay culture that seem to really destroy the community. It doesnt seem like it when you are new to the scene and everything is new and exciting, but trust me.........its not a healthy way to live. Its enticing and easy to get wrapped up in. Ive seen many good guys fall into horrible lifestyle habits and they usually end up with Aids or overdosing.