Passing around numbers at AA meeting...advice needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 49
Passing around numbers at AA meeting...advice needed
Hi everyone
Havent been on too much latley just becuase I have been so busy but I have 23 days today
At the beginning of our AA meetings (as I am sure it happens in most meetings) we pass around numbers for newcomers or to anyone who would like them. I passed on adding my number to the list onetime and someone said to me "you have to" That was my 2nd day into sobriety and I didnt want anyone calling me. So my sponsor had told me that wasnt the case and you can do what you want. She said most people dont call anyway so dont worry. I just felt in MY position right now I dont feel I can give anyone advice and I dont know if someone would be a trigger for me. Although so many people are in AA there are a few I just stay away from...
So yesterday the book comes around and I write my name and what happen RING I get a call 9 am this morning. So now I know who the woman is. She has been in AA longer than I. She spoke yesterday and I had to walk out of the room cause she was a trigger for me. BIG TIME. She talked about HER problems NOT related to drinking which is so annoying to me becuase that is what I go to therapy for. She bitched about her sister the whole time. Thank goodness my sponsor who was leading the meeting got control over it. So I told her I needed to call her back cause I was at work. So I know that is the right thing to do but how do I handle her. This is all so new to me and I dont feel I wanna deal with anyones **** right now. I knew I should have not put my number down and I feel so bad right now for how I feel but Im telling you the woman was either drunk at the meeting or needs to be on meds big time or is on the wrong meds. She has been going much longer than I have what could I possibly do for her...
Am I wrong to feel this way?
I feel awful about feeling this way .....
Angie
Havent been on too much latley just becuase I have been so busy but I have 23 days today
At the beginning of our AA meetings (as I am sure it happens in most meetings) we pass around numbers for newcomers or to anyone who would like them. I passed on adding my number to the list onetime and someone said to me "you have to" That was my 2nd day into sobriety and I didnt want anyone calling me. So my sponsor had told me that wasnt the case and you can do what you want. She said most people dont call anyway so dont worry. I just felt in MY position right now I dont feel I can give anyone advice and I dont know if someone would be a trigger for me. Although so many people are in AA there are a few I just stay away from...
So yesterday the book comes around and I write my name and what happen RING I get a call 9 am this morning. So now I know who the woman is. She has been in AA longer than I. She spoke yesterday and I had to walk out of the room cause she was a trigger for me. BIG TIME. She talked about HER problems NOT related to drinking which is so annoying to me becuase that is what I go to therapy for. She bitched about her sister the whole time. Thank goodness my sponsor who was leading the meeting got control over it. So I told her I needed to call her back cause I was at work. So I know that is the right thing to do but how do I handle her. This is all so new to me and I dont feel I wanna deal with anyones **** right now. I knew I should have not put my number down and I feel so bad right now for how I feel but Im telling you the woman was either drunk at the meeting or needs to be on meds big time or is on the wrong meds. She has been going much longer than I have what could I possibly do for her...
Am I wrong to feel this way?
I feel awful about feeling this way .....
Angie
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
It certainly seems like an akward situation. I'm not in AA but it does seem inappropriate for her to be calling if the calls aren't directly related to her need for help in sobriety. Did you talk to your sponsor about it? I would think he or she has probably been in a similar situation before.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
i woud say tell the woman that you are early in recovery and cant help and to call her sponsor. you got enough to work onand dont need the chaos, whih is what we are working at getting away from.
"Am I wrong to feel this way?
I feel awful about feeling this way ....."
no you arent worng to feel that way! the big book says we cant transmit somethign we dont have.
"Am I wrong to feel this way?
I feel awful about feeling this way ....."
no you arent worng to feel that way! the big book says we cant transmit somethign we dont have.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 49
I am going to talk to my sponsor after work I dont like to call her at work its hard for her to talk but I will see her tonight.
I just was feeling really bad about it and wanted to get someones opinion.
Thank You guys!!!
I just was feeling really bad about it and wanted to get someones opinion.
Thank You guys!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
I wouldn't feel bad at all about not wanting to take the call. Hopefully your sponsor or hers can just let her know you aren't ready yet.
Thank you guys I feel better. Its hard to give anyone any advice right now escpecially when I am trying to concentrate on myself. and I dont mean that in a selfish way....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
To thine own self be true...If you feel you are not ready to help someone on the phone, then you shouldn't feel obligated to sign the 'pass around sheet'. Signing the sheet is not mandatory. I'm surprised someone told you that you 'had' to sign the sheet.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Angiekins3
Id be shocked if she had a sponsor to tell you the truth. But you never know.
Thank you guys I feel better. Its hard to give anyone any advice right now escpecially when I am trying to concentrate on myself. and I dont mean that in a selfish way....
Thank you guys I feel better. Its hard to give anyone any advice right now escpecially when I am trying to concentrate on myself. and I dont mean that in a selfish way....
at this time, ya gotta be selfish. ya gotta be selfish and work on you before you can be selfless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by bryangt
To thine own self be true...If you feel you are not ready to help someone on the phone, then you shouldn't feel obligated to sign the 'pass around sheet'. Signing the sheet is not mandatory. I'm surprised someone told you that you 'had' to sign the sheet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Tell her that you are in no position to help her, and that she will need to call someone else. This is the truth. It can be said without feeling like you are doing something wrong, and or scared. I would not give out my phone number any longer. It is not a requirement. Keep up the great work!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
hi Angie
some at those meetings are sicker than others
but
we need not to forget
even if we only have one day sober
we may be of help to someone
if you don't want your phone number on the list -- that's fine
my sponsor with 20 something years of sobriety
does not have his number on his home group phone list
although many do have his number
only because he gave it to them when asked
he will not give his number to women
because
ladies should only work with ladies (especially in person and on the phone)
after the meeting while all are on the porch it's different
but
we need not to forget
even if we only have one day sober
we may be of help to someone
if you don't want your phone number on the list -- that's fine
my sponsor with 20 something years of sobriety
does not have his number on his home group phone list
although many do have his number
only because he gave it to them when asked
he will not give his number to women
because
ladies should only work with ladies (especially in person and on the phone)
after the meeting while all are on the porch it's different
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I have never heard of having to give your number. Most of the numbers I received have been offered to me at meetings when they knew I was a newcomer.
I have had this happen to me when I had about two weeks. I did not know this person but others did so I assumed she was a regular at the meetings.
We exchanged numbers and then I get a call from her later that day when I was at home. The entire time all she did was bitch about her husband who was still drinking. How she was going to leave him once she got on disability and so on.
I did not have a sponsor yet so I asked some of the ladies that have been in the program for a long time. They basically told me to do what tomsteve said.
Just tell her that you are new to sobriety and you have no advice and to contact her sponsor or a person that has been in the program longer.
She only called me one other time about a meeting time and that was it. I saw her maybe four times after that and I have not seen her since. I assume she is back out.
I have had this happen to me when I had about two weeks. I did not know this person but others did so I assumed she was a regular at the meetings.
We exchanged numbers and then I get a call from her later that day when I was at home. The entire time all she did was bitch about her husband who was still drinking. How she was going to leave him once she got on disability and so on.
I did not have a sponsor yet so I asked some of the ladies that have been in the program for a long time. They basically told me to do what tomsteve said.
Just tell her that you are new to sobriety and you have no advice and to contact her sponsor or a person that has been in the program longer.
She only called me one other time about a meeting time and that was it. I saw her maybe four times after that and I have not seen her since. I assume she is back out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by tomsteve
ive seen this. some people go through everyone gripin and moanin about problemsproblemsproblems and when the solutin is givin by members....well, they stop calling those members. so they go for the newcomers. they are sick. you have the right to not allow it to happen to you.
at this time, ya gotta be selfish. ya gotta be selfish and work on you before you can be selfless.
at this time, ya gotta be selfish. ya gotta be selfish and work on you before you can be selfless.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Angiekins3
Thank you all so much I feel so differently about this now I feel so much better. It will be interesting to see if she is in tonight's meeting...we will c...
Angie
Angie
keep comin back....its gonna get gooder!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 37
I have had experience with this kind of thing before. You may want to ask this lady to delete your number from her phone and to not contact you. Although, this may be a little harsh, it is what needs to be done. Be careful who you give your number to at meetings. I found that I ran into a lot of crazy creeps at meetings. Sometimes it just gets weird, but you'll get a good story out of it.
If it really gets bad, you may want to change your phone number and not share it at the meetings. Hope this works out for you.
If it really gets bad, you may want to change your phone number and not share it at the meetings. Hope this works out for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Just say No. lol
I found out in recovery I have choices over who and what I will allow into my life.
It's my life. It's my recovery. If someone is not good for me to be around. Not healthy for my recovery. I just say No. Thanks for calling but please do not call me anymore. No excuses, no explanations. Have a nice day! Sounds rude but today I know how to set boundaries. And it is freeing when you can choose and I have a choice today. I don't have to be a people pleaser anymore.
I found out in recovery I have choices over who and what I will allow into my life.
It's my life. It's my recovery. If someone is not good for me to be around. Not healthy for my recovery. I just say No. Thanks for calling but please do not call me anymore. No excuses, no explanations. Have a nice day! Sounds rude but today I know how to set boundaries. And it is freeing when you can choose and I have a choice today. I don't have to be a people pleaser anymore.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
One of the coolest things I am learning in recovery is setting boundaries. Like everyone else said, say you are too new to help. She may just look for newbs to talk to, it happens.
Good luck and congrats on your 23 days!
Good luck and congrats on your 23 days!
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I think the subject of giving out numbers at meetings is a very important one...lots of newbies go in doe eyed....and...have experiences like the one you posted.
NO WAY should anyone go into a room full of strangers and hand out their number willy nilly! Especially not a land line where a reverse look up can give then your address! There are some not very nice people at meetings.
If you are not ready to take random calls from random people about whatever whenever...do not put your name on the list. It's not a requirement.
Some people only ever give our their numbers directly to an individual. There is nothing wrong with being smart, safe and realistic about one's readiness for cold calls.
If there is a person you see at meetings who always has shares that speak to you etc, you might want to approach them and ask if it's ok for you to call them and mention that their shares have touched you. If they say no...don't take it personal.
There are a fair number of AA's who are not out at work, home, etc and they really can't take random calls because they have to protect their own anonymity, it's cool.
Women, give and take numbers only with other women. Men do the same, at least until you know the person, and know some other persons who know the person etc etc etc.
Talk to your sponsor about how to handle this.
There were some people who were triggers for me and I had to put them on my "do not respond" list. Also, just because someone has you on the phone doesn't mean you need to be any less anonymous than you are at a meeting. Some people think that on the phone it's ok to ask where you work, what your schedule is, how many kids...etcetc....
We don't have to be paranoid, but we do need to be smart and aware.
NO WAY should anyone go into a room full of strangers and hand out their number willy nilly! Especially not a land line where a reverse look up can give then your address! There are some not very nice people at meetings.
If you are not ready to take random calls from random people about whatever whenever...do not put your name on the list. It's not a requirement.
Some people only ever give our their numbers directly to an individual. There is nothing wrong with being smart, safe and realistic about one's readiness for cold calls.
If there is a person you see at meetings who always has shares that speak to you etc, you might want to approach them and ask if it's ok for you to call them and mention that their shares have touched you. If they say no...don't take it personal.
There are a fair number of AA's who are not out at work, home, etc and they really can't take random calls because they have to protect their own anonymity, it's cool.
Women, give and take numbers only with other women. Men do the same, at least until you know the person, and know some other persons who know the person etc etc etc.
Talk to your sponsor about how to handle this.
There were some people who were triggers for me and I had to put them on my "do not respond" list. Also, just because someone has you on the phone doesn't mean you need to be any less anonymous than you are at a meeting. Some people think that on the phone it's ok to ask where you work, what your schedule is, how many kids...etcetc....
We don't have to be paranoid, but we do need to be smart and aware.
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