Mizzuno

Im not trying to count my time all that much. This is my millionth time being sober for a few months. Anyways- With being sober there is thinking time. As i was finally unpacking the house, ( We have lived here a year) I ran across all these pictures from when I was a child. I can not recall happy memories with any of those pics. There was never a family vacation, or an event that caused me an immense amount of joy. There was heartache and worry throughout my entire childhood. My mother was sick. She too, had addiction running through her veins, and succumbed hard to that addiction. She has never recovered from it, and I have not spoken to her in over 6 years. I have not spoken with my father in over 18 years. My older sister and I have a volatile relationship that can not be healed over time, and space. We can not be friends, or sisters. My entire family is broken. So, as I went through these pictures, I wept. I sat in the closet and let out a great deal of emotion. I am no longer a runner in any sense of the word. I can no longer run from this loss. My drinking is a symptom. The underlying issues have been addressed , but i must move into it a little deeper this time. I was abandoned, and I never fully recovered from this. Im not sure if I ever will. Somethings are just what they are. There is no amount of talking that could heal these wounds. They need their own time. So, I carefully take care of the wounds hoping that overtime these injuries will become minor. There will always be that little girl in me that feels the past turmoil. All I can do is soothe her, and let her know that she is loved. My drinking was a symptom and I feel like I am able to address it now.
This journey into my younger life was another eye opener for me. These wounds are reasons to stay sober, and to reach for my dreams. These things will no longer hold me back from a stellar life that I deserve. That we all deserve.

Sazzle

Your post gave me goose bumps. All I can say is that, despite that little girl being abandoned, you have chosen not to abandon her. Or the grown up you. It sounds silly but I love colouring in and I've got some beautiful detailed colouring in books that absorb my thoughts and are almost meditative. I nurture my inner child regularly.

Sending you lots of interweb love, Mizz.

S x