Hello
 

I am starting the journey again today. I got sober at the beginning of the year, but gradually, I found myself drinking too much again. I don't drink every day like I once did, but I started to essentially reserve Saturday night and Sunday for drinking. With the holiday weekend, I extended my binge another day. Mid binge, I stopped to ask myself why I thought being drunk was good or fun? I asked myself if I was happier or felt like i had had fewer problems because I was drinking. Obviously, the anger and sadness was still there and drinking did not help.

The problem was that while I was not drinking, I didn't resolve what made me drink to begin with. I don't know that I ever will, but I know drinking doesn't solve anything. In fact, it just gives me one more thing to worry about.

I want to thank you all on this board in advance. It helps to read your stories. They make me feel less alone.

You remind me so much of myself when I first tried to get sober.
I drank every day (alone), then I drank every other day.
Then I decided I'd only drink on the weekends, then I decided I'd only drink on Saturdays.
Needless to say it didn't work, it didn't take long before I was drinking daily again.
That's when I said enough is enough and quit cold turkey. One of the best decisions I ever made.

Hi. I also had a lot of difficulty stopping when I went to AA for two years. I went to meetings but rationalized reasons to drink and was told that I wanted to drink more than I wanted to get sober. Looking back this was so true. Fortunately I continued going to meetings and heard things that I needed to and finally put the plug in the jug. One of the things I needed to repeat to myself that made sense: If I don't pick up the first drink I don't have to get sober again. That's a fact. BE WELL

Well put and so true! While I was drinking/using I felt like I could push my problems far away. It wasn't really true though because even when I was using they still haunted me and sometimes made me very angry. It wasn't until I started to face my problems, fears, and weaknesses sober that I could make any sort of rational changes. It's hard and it does take time. To be truthful I haven't been sober long enough to see huge results but I I've seen enough "small results" to think I'm on the right path.

Thanks for posting. Hang in there.

:welcome to the family! You've come to a friendly and supportive place.:)

Thanks to all for your responses.

Last night was rough. I was very hung over. I looked and felt terrible. I'm afraid to look in the mirror now.

And now that I'm feeling a bit better physically, I am now going through the guilt and shame part of the ride. It's difficult to face myself. This is when drinking again sounds like a good idea. The physical effects are nothing compared to the mental effects from drinking. Every time I fail and drink, I have less and less faith in myself and feel more and more ashamed and hopeless. Alcoholism has made me dislike myself.

I have to find a way to be proud of myself again.

[QUOTE=visch1;3987389) One of the things I needed to repeat to myself that made sense: If I don't pick up the first drink I don't have to get sober again. That's a fact. BE WELL[/QUOTE]

I'm going to borrow your mantra today.

That's awesome, Bruce. I can't wait until I can report some good news.

I don't think understanding why you drank is a perquisite for sobriety. It might help in preventing relapse, but it seems to me, from your post, that the reason you starting drinking again was because you thought you could drink normally, without consequences.

Take drinking off the table, forever, and quit. If you feel there is a "problem" to resolve, get into a recovery program, such as AA, and work the steps, or get into counseling. But you will be surprised how many of those problems go away with sobriety.

Yes, I did think I could moderate, but with the issues I am dealing with, that isn't going to happen. I'm sad that I can't drink like normal people, but it is what it is.

Being sad about not drinking, normally or any other way, is just your addiction looking for a weak spot in your sobriety.

I drank daily for 35 years. At about three months sober, after much reflection on my drinking, it became so apparent that I wasn't a normal drinker, and I would never, ever, be a normal drinker. Therefore, I could never, ever drink. Forever. It was if a great weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I don't drink. I'm not sad about it. Join me.