Mr. Wrong wasn't so wrong this time.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Mr. Wrong wasn't so wrong this time.
I'd first like to start off by saying, "Hi." and I welcome all forms of advice from whomever wants to give it. I'm a person who understands tough love generates real love. I can also see the gamut of facets and perspectives and ask that people try this as well when it comes to my post.
Now, with that out of the way, let me state why I've come to this site.
About three years ago, I started dating my current boyfriend. Six months in, our relationship dismantled due to the fact I wasn't ready for real love and I had no real clue what it meant to love someone. At that point, I knew he,(we'll call him Mr. Hero) had tried acid, weed and alcohol but all in good young adult measure. Experimentation, if you will.
With time and experience fostering on, we kept in touch ever so often. A text here, a call there, small things. He always called me for my birthday, even though I didn't remember his, unfortunately.
Approximately, six months ago in November, we decided to give our relationship another chance. This time, we'd be open and honest about ourselves to each other. I remember clearly, telling him, "I'd accept him anyway I could have him." He in return, told me the same thing. At that time I didn't believe he had an addiction, I thought he simply liked to drink due to his youth but shortly after that he made me a believer. Mind you, I've always been a "fixer" and innately like a therapist. So, once he told me how he'd been in a car accident from him hitting someone because he passed out behind the wheel, woke up in the hospital hand cuffed, had to go to court, do community service and received a DUI, I figured I could save him from himself and help him become the man I know he can be.
Quickly, I began to see the trappings of dating an alcoholic. He would forget things almost as often as I told him. There would be day's when I wouldn't hear from him, not a call, not a text or anything. I would get angry with him but eventually, we got passed it. I chucked it up to small bumps in the road that every relationship goes through, in spite of him being an alcoholic. In my perspective it is better to be "happy" than "right." I remember at our three month mark asking him if he remembered telling me, "I'd accept you anyway, I can have you." Which he replied, "No, but I'm sure I said it." In that moment, I knew this addiction wasn't as lighthearted as I was making it out to be.
I tried talking to him about his future and what he wanted, in hopes of that igniting an unyielding desire to have those things so he would focus on that and put the vodka bottle down. I tried talking him out of drinking whenever I could. There was a moment when he bought two vodka bottles and he drank one but while he was outside, the second came up missing. Instantly and deductively, he narrowed it down to his mother taking it and hiding it. I was both shocked and amazed at the transformation my boyfriend under went. I knew alcoholism was an addiction but Mr. Hero mutated into this mindless zombie transfixed on finding the bottle while spiraling down a rabbits hole of anxiety out of no where.
I told him, "It wasn't that serious." Despite me trying to change the subject or pleading him with him, he feverishly searched through the house, almost manically until discovering it under his bed. It was more than an eye- opener. Mr. Hero wasn't the man I knew, wasn't the man cared for; wasn't a man at all...just the shell of a machine. From then on, I tried having deep and insightful conversations with him about the mechanics of being an alcoholic but he would brush me off stating, "You're not an alcoholic so you'll never understand." And when he wasn't shooing me away from the topic with that statement he'd throw his favorite word at me, "Apathy." Oh, how I've I come to dislike that word. Let, Mr. Hero tell it, he's apathetic about everything.
What bothered me most is that he would talk to his friends and heed their words over mine because they too were alcoholics and in my opinion worse off than him. I just don't understand that.
His grandma fell ill two months ago and he went to Texas to be with his mother and family. Thankfully, his grandma is doing okay but while there his mother paid for him to go to a program. And just like that, I had Mr. Hero back. He remembered things again, was conscious again and most off all he was present. Truly, present. He was engaged in everything around him and for the first time in a long time...he saw me. Without the wafting blurred haze of alcohol blinding him. We were connecting again and I was so proud. More proud, that he did it HIS way. No more drinking to avoid withdrawals, no more sleeping all day and still feeling tired and no more forgetting. In two months, he gotten sober, started medication to treat his depression, formulated a plan to take a certification exam and get his life back on track. What I knew for sure is that we would go the long hall without question in our relationship but I now knew he would be aware and conscious for the ride.
When he got back from Texas, I had some reservations and concerns because his roommate drinks and I knew how tempting that would be. We talked rationally and bluntly but he assured me he was prepared and knew how to deal with it. About two week's in, I started to settle down and think of him being sober as second nature. He had a routine going and stuck to it regularly. This past week, I let my emotions get the best of me and due to me texting him and not receiving anything for three days, I decided to treat him with the same treatment. He began texting me but I ignored him. On the second day, he called me at nine something at night. I answered but kept it short not wanting to be all cute with him till the next day which would have made three days. I told him I was on the phone and would call him back. I thought about calling him back hut stuck to my child like stubbornness. Insisting on talking to him the following day.
I did just that and when I called him that following day in the afternoon, I found my love drunk and back to his old ways. In disbelief I asked, "When did this happen?" He cleverly told me, "11" in his drunken glee. I asked, "At night or today?" He informed me it was last night.
I can't help but feel it's my fault, despite knowing he was going to do what he wanted to do, despite knowing you can't control anyone but yourself, despite my friends and even him saying don't blame myself. I FEEL that it's my fault based on the following criteria. One, he called me at nine and I told him I would call him back yet I didn't. Two, he didn't start drinking till 11 and I was up till 2 in the morning doing nothing. Three, I kept asking my friend should I call him back and she said she would have but regardless of that I chose to be difficult and refused to call. It just seems like God, the universe and the logistic's of it all directed me to intervene and I didn't listen. I could've been there when it mattered to at least try and prevent him from relapsing but I missed the opportunity because I stood in my own way.
I just don't know how to forgive myself for choosing not be there when I could have, whether I knew this would happen or not, I still should've been there. It's so HARD to accept all of his progress, all of his efforts and all he was becoming is thrown out the window. Two months and a couple weeks of progress thrown out the window, and the fact that I could've prevented it for at least another day cuts me to my core. I wasn't there when he needed me most...and now I've got to live with my lack of action.
Now, with that out of the way, let me state why I've come to this site.
About three years ago, I started dating my current boyfriend. Six months in, our relationship dismantled due to the fact I wasn't ready for real love and I had no real clue what it meant to love someone. At that point, I knew he,(we'll call him Mr. Hero) had tried acid, weed and alcohol but all in good young adult measure. Experimentation, if you will.
With time and experience fostering on, we kept in touch ever so often. A text here, a call there, small things. He always called me for my birthday, even though I didn't remember his, unfortunately.
Approximately, six months ago in November, we decided to give our relationship another chance. This time, we'd be open and honest about ourselves to each other. I remember clearly, telling him, "I'd accept him anyway I could have him." He in return, told me the same thing. At that time I didn't believe he had an addiction, I thought he simply liked to drink due to his youth but shortly after that he made me a believer. Mind you, I've always been a "fixer" and innately like a therapist. So, once he told me how he'd been in a car accident from him hitting someone because he passed out behind the wheel, woke up in the hospital hand cuffed, had to go to court, do community service and received a DUI, I figured I could save him from himself and help him become the man I know he can be.
Quickly, I began to see the trappings of dating an alcoholic. He would forget things almost as often as I told him. There would be day's when I wouldn't hear from him, not a call, not a text or anything. I would get angry with him but eventually, we got passed it. I chucked it up to small bumps in the road that every relationship goes through, in spite of him being an alcoholic. In my perspective it is better to be "happy" than "right." I remember at our three month mark asking him if he remembered telling me, "I'd accept you anyway, I can have you." Which he replied, "No, but I'm sure I said it." In that moment, I knew this addiction wasn't as lighthearted as I was making it out to be.
I tried talking to him about his future and what he wanted, in hopes of that igniting an unyielding desire to have those things so he would focus on that and put the vodka bottle down. I tried talking him out of drinking whenever I could. There was a moment when he bought two vodka bottles and he drank one but while he was outside, the second came up missing. Instantly and deductively, he narrowed it down to his mother taking it and hiding it. I was both shocked and amazed at the transformation my boyfriend under went. I knew alcoholism was an addiction but Mr. Hero mutated into this mindless zombie transfixed on finding the bottle while spiraling down a rabbits hole of anxiety out of no where.
I told him, "It wasn't that serious." Despite me trying to change the subject or pleading him with him, he feverishly searched through the house, almost manically until discovering it under his bed. It was more than an eye- opener. Mr. Hero wasn't the man I knew, wasn't the man cared for; wasn't a man at all...just the shell of a machine. From then on, I tried having deep and insightful conversations with him about the mechanics of being an alcoholic but he would brush me off stating, "You're not an alcoholic so you'll never understand." And when he wasn't shooing me away from the topic with that statement he'd throw his favorite word at me, "Apathy." Oh, how I've I come to dislike that word. Let, Mr. Hero tell it, he's apathetic about everything.
What bothered me most is that he would talk to his friends and heed their words over mine because they too were alcoholics and in my opinion worse off than him. I just don't understand that.
His grandma fell ill two months ago and he went to Texas to be with his mother and family. Thankfully, his grandma is doing okay but while there his mother paid for him to go to a program. And just like that, I had Mr. Hero back. He remembered things again, was conscious again and most off all he was present. Truly, present. He was engaged in everything around him and for the first time in a long time...he saw me. Without the wafting blurred haze of alcohol blinding him. We were connecting again and I was so proud. More proud, that he did it HIS way. No more drinking to avoid withdrawals, no more sleeping all day and still feeling tired and no more forgetting. In two months, he gotten sober, started medication to treat his depression, formulated a plan to take a certification exam and get his life back on track. What I knew for sure is that we would go the long hall without question in our relationship but I now knew he would be aware and conscious for the ride.
When he got back from Texas, I had some reservations and concerns because his roommate drinks and I knew how tempting that would be. We talked rationally and bluntly but he assured me he was prepared and knew how to deal with it. About two week's in, I started to settle down and think of him being sober as second nature. He had a routine going and stuck to it regularly. This past week, I let my emotions get the best of me and due to me texting him and not receiving anything for three days, I decided to treat him with the same treatment. He began texting me but I ignored him. On the second day, he called me at nine something at night. I answered but kept it short not wanting to be all cute with him till the next day which would have made three days. I told him I was on the phone and would call him back. I thought about calling him back hut stuck to my child like stubbornness. Insisting on talking to him the following day.
I did just that and when I called him that following day in the afternoon, I found my love drunk and back to his old ways. In disbelief I asked, "When did this happen?" He cleverly told me, "11" in his drunken glee. I asked, "At night or today?" He informed me it was last night.
I can't help but feel it's my fault, despite knowing he was going to do what he wanted to do, despite knowing you can't control anyone but yourself, despite my friends and even him saying don't blame myself. I FEEL that it's my fault based on the following criteria. One, he called me at nine and I told him I would call him back yet I didn't. Two, he didn't start drinking till 11 and I was up till 2 in the morning doing nothing. Three, I kept asking my friend should I call him back and she said she would have but regardless of that I chose to be difficult and refused to call. It just seems like God, the universe and the logistic's of it all directed me to intervene and I didn't listen. I could've been there when it mattered to at least try and prevent him from relapsing but I missed the opportunity because I stood in my own way.
I just don't know how to forgive myself for choosing not be there when I could have, whether I knew this would happen or not, I still should've been there. It's so HARD to accept all of his progress, all of his efforts and all he was becoming is thrown out the window. Two months and a couple weeks of progress thrown out the window, and the fact that I could've prevented it for at least another day cuts me to my core. I wasn't there when he needed me most...and now I've got to live with my lack of action.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 236
Hmm. Well why did he not text back or anything for three days ? I think it's ok that you were giving him the same treatment. One thing that I've learned in my sobriety is that of you really want to be sober you have to be willing to deal with anything that life throws your way good or bad. Prepare for the worst mentally and prepare to handle the situation sober. I don't think you are to blame for this.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
hugs.
maybe another day...maybe not.
if a missed phone call is the value of his sobriety...
Don't blame yourself that HE CHOSE TO DRINK.
It's not on you and you are not powerful enough to either make someone drink or make them stay sober. It's on him.
I am a recovering addict (fill in the blank I overdid a LOT of things).
I used to set up little tests like that for myself. I such and such happens, then I'll drink, why shouldn't I, I'll have no choice, I can't deal with it...or if such and such DOESN'T happen, I'll drink, why shouldn't I, I'll have no choice, I can't deal with it.
The only way to stay sober is to decide that drinking solves nothing, fixes nothing and we're not doing it anymore period.
No tough love for you, just the truth. He has chosen to check out again. You know what the routine is when he's drunk. If this was a one night slip and you see him immediately and determinedly working his program...but if not. I'd walk and save yourself.
maybe another day...maybe not.
if a missed phone call is the value of his sobriety...
Don't blame yourself that HE CHOSE TO DRINK.
It's not on you and you are not powerful enough to either make someone drink or make them stay sober. It's on him.
I am a recovering addict (fill in the blank I overdid a LOT of things).
I used to set up little tests like that for myself. I such and such happens, then I'll drink, why shouldn't I, I'll have no choice, I can't deal with it...or if such and such DOESN'T happen, I'll drink, why shouldn't I, I'll have no choice, I can't deal with it.
The only way to stay sober is to decide that drinking solves nothing, fixes nothing and we're not doing it anymore period.
No tough love for you, just the truth. He has chosen to check out again. You know what the routine is when he's drunk. If this was a one night slip and you see him immediately and determinedly working his program...but if not. I'd walk and save yourself.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
If all that stands between him and a drink is a little childlike stubbornness from a loved one, then he is not very committed to abstinence. When one truly decides that they are going to kick their addiction, nothing can push them back to it, nothing sways them. That has been my personal experience in ending my own addiction, and the experience of many others I know as well.
You did not cause him to drink again. You know that your actions are simply not powerful enough to do that, because if they were, you would have been able to get him to quit a long time ago.
I know you are thinking there is some causation here between what you did and him deciding to drink again, but there is not. It may have been used as a convenient excuse for him to get drunk, but nothing more.
You did not cause him to drink again. You know that your actions are simply not powerful enough to do that, because if they were, you would have been able to get him to quit a long time ago.
I know you are thinking there is some causation here between what you did and him deciding to drink again, but there is not. It may have been used as a convenient excuse for him to get drunk, but nothing more.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,420
Friends and Family forum - or Al-Anon
Hi and Welcome,
You may want to check out the Friends and Family forum here on Sober Recovery or an Al-Anon meeting in your area, b/c as Al-Anon states:
"You did not cause it, You cannot control it, and you certainly can't cure it."
You may want to check out the Friends and Family forum here on Sober Recovery or an Al-Anon meeting in your area, b/c as Al-Anon states:
"You did not cause it, You cannot control it, and you certainly can't cure it."
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: The Emerald City
Posts: 434
Hi Metallic, welcome. I completely agree with the other answers here. You weren't the one who poured the drink down his throat, he was. He's an adult and he's going to inevitably experience many curve balls in his future, that's obviously just the nature of life. He's the one who has to decide how he's going to deal with those curve balls. Bottom line is you cannot walk on eggshells or protect him in your relationship, as that wouldn't be genuine or fair to either one of you. Maybe he needs a little more time in sobriety before getting back into a relationship?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
His answer to your question was not a reason...it was an excuse.
No one is responsible for his sobriety but him. Not you. Not his mom. Not the universe. Not the dude on the corner. Not his friends. HIM and HIM alone.
Just my 2cents for what it's worth...you can't fix or save him from himself. That's 100% up to him.
No one is responsible for his sobriety but him. Not you. Not his mom. Not the universe. Not the dude on the corner. Not his friends. HIM and HIM alone.
Just my 2cents for what it's worth...you can't fix or save him from himself. That's 100% up to him.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Updates
First let me say, how appreciative I am for people responding and for how swiftly they responded as well. I hear and acknowledge what all of you are saying and I am truly humbled by each and every one of you taking time to listen to a stranger.
With that said, let me follow up with some unmentioned things and updates.
One person asked, "Why didn't he text me back in the first place?" Mr. Hero has been known to read a text and get distracted by something and forget to text back or he'll type a text out and forget to send it. This is just how he is at times, unfortunately.
I spoke with him today and I'll give you the play by play of how that conversation went.
*phone rings*
(Hero)-"Hello?"
(Me)-"Hi..."
(Hero)-"Hey, what's going on?"
(Me)-"Nothing much, how are you?"
(Hero)-"Alright."
(Me)-"How was last night?"
(Hero)-"I don't remember. I passed out early and woke up late in the night."
(Me)-"Oh?"
(Hero)-"Ya, I threw up all night even though I was drinking water. Like, I just kept chugging it trying to take in as much as I can."
(Me)-"I'm sorry, my love. I mean, maybe it was good that you went through that to remind you of what it was like."
(Hero)-"Ya, I deserved it to be honest."
(Me)-"Did you eat something?"
(Hero)-"Ya, my roommate made some spaghetti. It was actually really good to be honest."
(Me)-"That's good."
(Hero)-"What's new with you?"
(Me)-"Not much... I just can't help but feel like I could've intervened last night if I would've called you back."
(Hero)-"Don't blame yourself. I was gonna drink anyway."
(Me)-"I understand. At least you got it out of your system."
(Hero)-"Uhh, I'm drinking right now." *snickers*
(Me)-"Oh, is this your first drink?"
(Hero)-"No. I had two beers earlier and I'm drinking vodka right now."
(Me)-"So, is this your last one?"
(Hero)-"Probably not."
(Me)-"I thought yesterday was the exception?"
(Hero)-"I thought so too"
(Me)-"I just don't want to see all your hard work go out the window."
(Hero)-"Ya, me either."
(Me)-"What about taking the A+ certification exam? I know how drinking messes with your memory."
(Hero)-"I can still do it. I've been taking practice test and getting A's and B's."
(Me)-"Oh, good... Well, what are you going to do for the rest of the day?"
(Hero)-"Probably go food shopping. I should do that."
(Me)-"That'll be good. Get out the house and get some fresh air."
(Hero)-"Ya, I probably won't."
(Me)-"...Well, I'll just talk to you later then."
(Hero)-"Alright."
*phone call ends*
After that, I laid in bed and cried for an hour. It's so frustrating to know how far we got to end right back where we started. Only reason he stopped before is because his mother got him into a program and he was living with her and away from his roommate who's a bad influence on him, though I don't blame her because he's an adult. I think what hurts the most is knowing that he's longing for a better life. He'll be twenty-four in July and he wants so badly to have something going for himself. His friends have career's and families. He is so naturally smart that if he wanted he could become a doctor without much thought. I am trying to push him towards that brighter tomorrow because he WILL be GREAT.. someday. ...I just know it.
With that said, let me follow up with some unmentioned things and updates.
One person asked, "Why didn't he text me back in the first place?" Mr. Hero has been known to read a text and get distracted by something and forget to text back or he'll type a text out and forget to send it. This is just how he is at times, unfortunately.
I spoke with him today and I'll give you the play by play of how that conversation went.
*phone rings*
(Hero)-"Hello?"
(Me)-"Hi..."
(Hero)-"Hey, what's going on?"
(Me)-"Nothing much, how are you?"
(Hero)-"Alright."
(Me)-"How was last night?"
(Hero)-"I don't remember. I passed out early and woke up late in the night."
(Me)-"Oh?"
(Hero)-"Ya, I threw up all night even though I was drinking water. Like, I just kept chugging it trying to take in as much as I can."
(Me)-"I'm sorry, my love. I mean, maybe it was good that you went through that to remind you of what it was like."
(Hero)-"Ya, I deserved it to be honest."
(Me)-"Did you eat something?"
(Hero)-"Ya, my roommate made some spaghetti. It was actually really good to be honest."
(Me)-"That's good."
(Hero)-"What's new with you?"
(Me)-"Not much... I just can't help but feel like I could've intervened last night if I would've called you back."
(Hero)-"Don't blame yourself. I was gonna drink anyway."
(Me)-"I understand. At least you got it out of your system."
(Hero)-"Uhh, I'm drinking right now." *snickers*
(Me)-"Oh, is this your first drink?"
(Hero)-"No. I had two beers earlier and I'm drinking vodka right now."
(Me)-"So, is this your last one?"
(Hero)-"Probably not."
(Me)-"I thought yesterday was the exception?"
(Hero)-"I thought so too"
(Me)-"I just don't want to see all your hard work go out the window."
(Hero)-"Ya, me either."
(Me)-"What about taking the A+ certification exam? I know how drinking messes with your memory."
(Hero)-"I can still do it. I've been taking practice test and getting A's and B's."
(Me)-"Oh, good... Well, what are you going to do for the rest of the day?"
(Hero)-"Probably go food shopping. I should do that."
(Me)-"That'll be good. Get out the house and get some fresh air."
(Hero)-"Ya, I probably won't."
(Me)-"...Well, I'll just talk to you later then."
(Hero)-"Alright."
*phone call ends*
After that, I laid in bed and cried for an hour. It's so frustrating to know how far we got to end right back where we started. Only reason he stopped before is because his mother got him into a program and he was living with her and away from his roommate who's a bad influence on him, though I don't blame her because he's an adult. I think what hurts the most is knowing that he's longing for a better life. He'll be twenty-four in July and he wants so badly to have something going for himself. His friends have career's and families. He is so naturally smart that if he wanted he could become a doctor without much thought. I am trying to push him towards that brighter tomorrow because he WILL be GREAT.. someday. ...I just know it.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Are you going to be able to be at peace and happy in this relationship if he never recovers?
I know how easy it is to keep looking at the potential someone has but the reality is I am only looking at their potential because they have not reached it.
Maybe he will get recovered and maybe not. That is all on him.
I can say there is not 1 thing anyone can do to make me drink alcohol period. My wife and I have been through tons of crazy ups and downs since I got sober and none of that had anything to do with me taking ownership of my own recovery.
I don't know if it makes it easier for you to justify what he did if you blame yourself or if maybe putting all the blame on him is a fear because then you may have to make a tough decision.
Alcoholics do not need a reason to drink.
Anyway I would definitely check out the friends and family section here it is great.
I don't know how to post a link on this phone sorry...
Best of luck that is a tough situation to be put in.
I know how easy it is to keep looking at the potential someone has but the reality is I am only looking at their potential because they have not reached it.
Maybe he will get recovered and maybe not. That is all on him.
I can say there is not 1 thing anyone can do to make me drink alcohol period. My wife and I have been through tons of crazy ups and downs since I got sober and none of that had anything to do with me taking ownership of my own recovery.
I don't know if it makes it easier for you to justify what he did if you blame yourself or if maybe putting all the blame on him is a fear because then you may have to make a tough decision.
Alcoholics do not need a reason to drink.
Anyway I would definitely check out the friends and family section here it is great.
I don't know how to post a link on this phone sorry...
Best of luck that is a tough situation to be put in.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2
I know exactly how your boyfriend feels, maybe? Just like me I am sober again, for 5 days, been in rehab, because my family wanted me to. I Allways wanted to drink, because of how it makes me feel, it takes a lot of pain away for the moment, then it is there to bite me the next day. I know I have a lot of past issues, that I never really, truly dealt with, and I Allways hope that alcohol cures it, and it does for a few hours, and I always feel bad the next day, letting down friends, and family. I know it is me who has to make that decision to quit all together, but sometimes I feel like, I quit drinking for awhile just to please other people. I have to want to quit for myself, nobody else can make me quit. Just like the saying "You can lead a horse to water, but You can't make them drink. So I guess the question, for you is how much do you really Love him, because it will be a bumpy road for a long time till he can make his own mind up, and decide to quite drinking. Just Allways try to encourage him, never say anything negative about his drinking, that might make him want to run the other way. Hope that helps, have a great DAY.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Response
Someone recently asked, "Are you going to be able to be at peace and happy in this relationship if he never recovers?"
The honest answer that aligns with my intentions say's no. My selfish ego, wants him to be better, to be a better version of himself. That version I dream about year's from now when were thirty, have career's, live together, are talking about marriage and we both look happy. If never recovering means I can never have that then I won't be at happy.
However, at my core. My authentic self knows and understands that I wouldn't push him away either because of it. I'd love him through it all because I'd accept him as is. I'd hastily settle for his circumstance and try to over look it. What I know for sure is, we shouldn't have preconceived notions of what a partner should be, which allow's us to have endless-discoverable possibilities. His burden will become mine and I'll become blind to it and only think of it as a relationship "issue" much like everyone else has. A silent devotion between him, I and his addiction. But even here, I won't be truly happy.
With all this said, I don't have a problem letting him go in terms of a relationship. I am happy to have known him at all and at the end of the day there is a blessing in every lesson. I am capable of knowing just because you love someone it doesn't mean you're meant to be. I just don't want to throw it away over a trifle whim. Nothing worth having comes easy.
My greatest HOPE and wish for him is that he finds himself when all looks lost.
The honest answer that aligns with my intentions say's no. My selfish ego, wants him to be better, to be a better version of himself. That version I dream about year's from now when were thirty, have career's, live together, are talking about marriage and we both look happy. If never recovering means I can never have that then I won't be at happy.
However, at my core. My authentic self knows and understands that I wouldn't push him away either because of it. I'd love him through it all because I'd accept him as is. I'd hastily settle for his circumstance and try to over look it. What I know for sure is, we shouldn't have preconceived notions of what a partner should be, which allow's us to have endless-discoverable possibilities. His burden will become mine and I'll become blind to it and only think of it as a relationship "issue" much like everyone else has. A silent devotion between him, I and his addiction. But even here, I won't be truly happy.
With all this said, I don't have a problem letting him go in terms of a relationship. I am happy to have known him at all and at the end of the day there is a blessing in every lesson. I am capable of knowing just because you love someone it doesn't mean you're meant to be. I just don't want to throw it away over a trifle whim. Nothing worth having comes easy.
My greatest HOPE and wish for him is that he finds himself when all looks lost.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
I'm so glad to read this morning that he told you he was going to drink that day regardless of your actions. I know it is not the perfect answer, but it was honest.
All you can do is be supportive when he reaches out for help and practice some tough love when he does not.
It sounds like he has no intention of stopping any time soon, so perhaps check out a local Al-anon meeting or read our Friends and Family forum for support and comforting words.
All you can do is be supportive when he reaches out for help and practice some tough love when he does not.
It sounds like he has no intention of stopping any time soon, so perhaps check out a local Al-anon meeting or read our Friends and Family forum for support and comforting words.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Response 2
Someone asked, "What heroic qualities does he have now?"
I presume this was asked because I called him Mr. Hero. Initially, this stemmed from a nickname I gave him(despite him disliking it.) It wasn't as though he defeated an evil villain or rescued me away from evil step parents. In fact, he wouldn't be deemed a "Hero" at all.
Throughout my dating history, I've learned a lot through trial and error. As mentioned earlier on, I dated Mr. Hero before, but it fell through on my behalf. Now that I've learned more about myself, my relationship with myself and my relationship with God, I've discovered what truly matters to me in terms of being in a relationship. Those eternal qualities I was blindly unaware of now vivid and crystal clear. In essence, that's why Mr. Hero and I started dating again. Underneath his disease and bravado lay the ground work for a long lasting path to Love, Healing and Regeneration.
It was never about "Superman", rather Clark Kent, and even he didn't see himself as a Hero. Moreover, it was about an observing-ego, which allows us to see how people view us and how we view ourselves.
I call him Mr. Hero...because he has giving me back my humility.
I presume this was asked because I called him Mr. Hero. Initially, this stemmed from a nickname I gave him(despite him disliking it.) It wasn't as though he defeated an evil villain or rescued me away from evil step parents. In fact, he wouldn't be deemed a "Hero" at all.
Throughout my dating history, I've learned a lot through trial and error. As mentioned earlier on, I dated Mr. Hero before, but it fell through on my behalf. Now that I've learned more about myself, my relationship with myself and my relationship with God, I've discovered what truly matters to me in terms of being in a relationship. Those eternal qualities I was blindly unaware of now vivid and crystal clear. In essence, that's why Mr. Hero and I started dating again. Underneath his disease and bravado lay the ground work for a long lasting path to Love, Healing and Regeneration.
It was never about "Superman", rather Clark Kent, and even he didn't see himself as a Hero. Moreover, it was about an observing-ego, which allows us to see how people view us and how we view ourselves.
I call him Mr. Hero...because he has giving me back my humility.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2
Having high expectations, for someone can be dedrimental, to any relationship, resulting in thoughts of regret, so make sure, that this is the person, you are willing to spend the rest of your life with. He is going to need alot of support, are you willing to go to meetings, with him, only if that is what he wants, and as far as tough love, as another posted, that could lead to running off with friends, who know and understand him, especially if those friends have additions themselves, because those friends are usually the ones who accept the person the way they are, no matter what addiction, they have.
Continue to pray for him, which is all you can do right now, just put it in Gods, hands.
Continue to pray for him, which is all you can do right now, just put it in Gods, hands.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Southampton
Posts: 34
OP - your boyfriend is a liar and loves his drink more than you
hard truth.... but truth nonetheless.... my best love was wine always and forever... no-one could beat my love for that stuff.............
ditch him............. you cannot save anyone... he will drag you down..
I thought I could save someone... she bled me dry, stole my money and when it ran out she tried to kill me... then called the cops on me claiming I attacked her
She was a bullemic, lying, sociopathic pill popper... when I was with her I didnt drink or do anything.. no sexual cheating
I just put up with her **** for 18 months..
GET OUT and SAVE YOURSELF NOW
hard truth.... but truth nonetheless.... my best love was wine always and forever... no-one could beat my love for that stuff.............
ditch him............. you cannot save anyone... he will drag you down..
I thought I could save someone... she bled me dry, stole my money and when it ran out she tried to kill me... then called the cops on me claiming I attacked her
She was a bullemic, lying, sociopathic pill popper... when I was with her I didnt drink or do anything.. no sexual cheating
I just put up with her **** for 18 months..
GET OUT and SAVE YOURSELF NOW
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
I don't think you should call him Mr. Hero.
He sounds more like Mr. Less than Zero.
If that's what you're willing to settle for then you've found the guy.
If you deserve better than "less than zero" dump him and move on.
He sounds more like Mr. Less than Zero.
If that's what you're willing to settle for then you've found the guy.
If you deserve better than "less than zero" dump him and move on.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by MetallicThorn 
Underneath his disease and bravado lay the ground work for a long lasting path to Love, Healing and Regeneration.
I call him Mr. Hero...because he has giving me back my humility.
I call him Mr. Hero...because he has giving me back my humility.
May I suggest you google (or search this forum) for "terminal uniqueness"? It might give you some insight.
And you know where to find us when the rose-colored glasses begin to get smudged...
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
My selfish ego, wants him to be better, to be a better version of himself.
What I know for sure is, we shouldn't have preconceived notions of what a partner should be, which allow's us to have endless-discoverable possibilities.
I just don't want to throw it away over a trifle whim.
Martyring oneself does not make love stronger. Love is not measured by the intensity of our pain and the length of our suffering.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Response 4
I just wanted to clarify and update on a few things.
I'm quite curious as to why some people perceive some of my statements as I'm Romanticizing the disease?
I've stated that I'm aware of the possibilities, both positive and negative of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Moreover, I've pointedly explained that I would leave him if it came down to him or me. Also, when expressing care and love it's always been directed towards him, the person, not the disease. I must admit, I'm torn. I understand that everyone's feelings are valid, everyone experiences and perceives things differently, I just want some clarification because I don't want to be misunderstand.
Mr. Hero has also informed me he's going to try stopping tomorrow, he's happy I've begun to educate myself through this site and doesn't want me to take on such anguish due to his condition. Although I've explained what I've gathered from each and every one of you (even the not so nice things) and he is more than grateful to you all for arming me with knowledge and wisdom.
I'm quite curious as to why some people perceive some of my statements as I'm Romanticizing the disease?
I've stated that I'm aware of the possibilities, both positive and negative of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Moreover, I've pointedly explained that I would leave him if it came down to him or me. Also, when expressing care and love it's always been directed towards him, the person, not the disease. I must admit, I'm torn. I understand that everyone's feelings are valid, everyone experiences and perceives things differently, I just want some clarification because I don't want to be misunderstand.
Mr. Hero has also informed me he's going to try stopping tomorrow, he's happy I've begun to educate myself through this site and doesn't want me to take on such anguish due to his condition. Although I've explained what I've gathered from each and every one of you (even the not so nice things) and he is more than grateful to you all for arming me with knowledge and wisdom.
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