Mr. Wrong wasn't so wrong this time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
Hi MetallicThorn---
I know someone mentioned this--the Friends and Family Forum on this website is a great resource for folks going through this. I wonder if one of the moderators can add your thread there, too? That way you won't have to repost. Either way, a good place to look.
I am in agreement with the feedback you have gotten here. From where you stand, it can be hard to see where they are coming from.
You said "if it comes down to him or me...." in my opinion, that's is exactly the position you are in.
I also suggest checking out Alanon.
This is hard stuff, that's for sure. I truly hope the best for BOTH of you. HUGS!!!!!
I know someone mentioned this--the Friends and Family Forum on this website is a great resource for folks going through this. I wonder if one of the moderators can add your thread there, too? That way you won't have to repost. Either way, a good place to look.
I am in agreement with the feedback you have gotten here. From where you stand, it can be hard to see where they are coming from.
You said "if it comes down to him or me...." in my opinion, that's is exactly the position you are in.
I also suggest checking out Alanon.
This is hard stuff, that's for sure. I truly hope the best for BOTH of you. HUGS!!!!!
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
MT, people do recover. I did. But many choose not to.
Some people are able to live with their loved one in active addiction, and others must, for their own self-preservation, leave. Even those who are able to stay with a partner hell bent on killing themselves and still experience much lovingkindness with them, will likely tell you that it is extremely painful and devastating to watch a loved one do this to themselves. There is no universal right or wrong answer, and you will find what is right for you.
BUT, because I have done it myself and have seen so many others do the same, I firmly believe this with no ifs, ands, or buts...no excuses:
Your partner is fully capable of quitting and ending his addiction. That will happen only when he decides he is done.
Some people are able to live with their loved one in active addiction, and others must, for their own self-preservation, leave. Even those who are able to stay with a partner hell bent on killing themselves and still experience much lovingkindness with them, will likely tell you that it is extremely painful and devastating to watch a loved one do this to themselves. There is no universal right or wrong answer, and you will find what is right for you.
BUT, because I have done it myself and have seen so many others do the same, I firmly believe this with no ifs, ands, or buts...no excuses:
Your partner is fully capable of quitting and ending his addiction. That will happen only when he decides he is done.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Are you planning on marrying this individual? I wonder why all the effort when he does not call for 3 days, or respond? Could there be a possibility that you are putting in more effort than he is?
He needs to become sober for him. Then he has to work on being sober. This takes a lot of selfish energy. Are you wanting to go through all of this? It seems like your life is caught up in his alcoholism, and that is no way to live. I hope that you have some boundaries in place, and that you are living your life for you. This is a bad start to a 6 month relationship.
He needs to become sober for him. Then he has to work on being sober. This takes a lot of selfish energy. Are you wanting to go through all of this? It seems like your life is caught up in his alcoholism, and that is no way to live. I hope that you have some boundaries in place, and that you are living your life for you. This is a bad start to a 6 month relationship.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 236
Originally Posted by MetallicThorn 
I just wanted to clarify and update on a few things.
I'm quite curious as to why some people perceive some of my statements as I'm Romanticizing the disease?
I've stated that I'm aware of the possibilities, both positive and negative of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Moreover, I've pointedly explained that I would leave him if it came down to him or me. Also, when expressing care and love it's always been directed towards him, the person, not the disease. I must admit, I'm torn. I understand that everyone's feelings are valid, everyone experiences and perceives things differently, I just want some clarification because I don't want to be misunderstand.
Mr. Hero has also informed me he's going to try stopping tomorrow, he's happy I've begun to educate myself through this site and doesn't want me to take on such anguish due to his condition. Although I've explained what I've gathered from each and every one of you (even the not so nice things) and he is more than grateful to you all for arming me with knowledge and wisdom.
I'm quite curious as to why some people perceive some of my statements as I'm Romanticizing the disease?
I've stated that I'm aware of the possibilities, both positive and negative of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Moreover, I've pointedly explained that I would leave him if it came down to him or me. Also, when expressing care and love it's always been directed towards him, the person, not the disease. I must admit, I'm torn. I understand that everyone's feelings are valid, everyone experiences and perceives things differently, I just want some clarification because I don't want to be misunderstand.
Mr. Hero has also informed me he's going to try stopping tomorrow, he's happy I've begun to educate myself through this site and doesn't want me to take on such anguish due to his condition. Although I've explained what I've gathered from each and every one of you (even the not so nice things) and he is more than grateful to you all for arming me with knowledge and wisdom.
Empathy is Revolutionary.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 34
Response 6
Someone asked, "I wonder, do you have any struggles with addiction in your family of origin?
In term's of my family, I have only one individual who has fell into the clutches of addiction. Other than that my family does not struggle with that specific issue.
I myself, have never desired or relished in any substance because that doesn't appeal to me.
Someone asked, "What's a fourth room?"
When I wrote that, I was using that as an expression or symbolism of a "private" space to converse with other's and release all my thoughts, opinions and notions of alcoholism without fear of judgement.
In term's of my family, I have only one individual who has fell into the clutches of addiction. Other than that my family does not struggle with that specific issue.
I myself, have never desired or relished in any substance because that doesn't appeal to me.
Someone asked, "What's a fourth room?"
When I wrote that, I was using that as an expression or symbolism of a "private" space to converse with other's and release all my thoughts, opinions and notions of alcoholism without fear of judgement.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Mass
Posts: 189
I was dating this past winter when I told my GF I was an alcoholic. When I sobered up long enough to get serious about fixing myself, we broke up on my recommendation. I can't share the immense pain of my sickness with anyone else. It's selfish of me. I need to fix me first, then I will share myself romantically. I would bet your BF needs help more than romance right now. Don't let him hurt you anymore than he already has.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Atlanta, Ga
Posts: 291
As a female sober alcoholic I will tell you what others have said is the absolute truth. I drank for 7 years daily and the last 3 years, I was a complete self-centered jerk. Now that I am sober, I feel so blessed that I still have my husband, daughter, grandson and family intact. I know I am one of the lucky one's.
The interesting part of what you have written is the statement that he was happy you are here on SR to get an education and understanding of his problem. Did he say that he would be interested in joining and getting a little insight from the newly sober to the long termers? He also stated he didn't want you to anguish in his alcoholism. It doesn't sound like he is quite ready yet to give up the partying lifestyle.
Advice from an alcoholic, we are sneaky and can be quite deceptive. We want it all and we want it our way. We need your support and sympathy, but we can turn on you in a heartbeat if you put us down for our drinking; we can and will apologize and make promises we never intend to keep, but it is OK cause our poison tells us how happy we are with a buzz.
You are young and have a whole life in front of you. Why don't you take a break from Mr. Hero for a short while and stay on friendly terms like the last time you were apart. Travel, meet new people, enjoy your friends and let him grow up and deal with his alcoholism. He will get sober when in his heart and head he really wants it. In the meantime, be a good friend and not an enabler.
Sorry it sounds harsh, but spending some of the best years of your life watching over an alcoholic is not a pretty picture for you. Again, this is from a 47 yr old sober alcoholic. Good luck!
The interesting part of what you have written is the statement that he was happy you are here on SR to get an education and understanding of his problem. Did he say that he would be interested in joining and getting a little insight from the newly sober to the long termers? He also stated he didn't want you to anguish in his alcoholism. It doesn't sound like he is quite ready yet to give up the partying lifestyle.
Advice from an alcoholic, we are sneaky and can be quite deceptive. We want it all and we want it our way. We need your support and sympathy, but we can turn on you in a heartbeat if you put us down for our drinking; we can and will apologize and make promises we never intend to keep, but it is OK cause our poison tells us how happy we are with a buzz.
You are young and have a whole life in front of you. Why don't you take a break from Mr. Hero for a short while and stay on friendly terms like the last time you were apart. Travel, meet new people, enjoy your friends and let him grow up and deal with his alcoholism. He will get sober when in his heart and head he really wants it. In the meantime, be a good friend and not an enabler.
Sorry it sounds harsh, but spending some of the best years of your life watching over an alcoholic is not a pretty picture for you. Again, this is from a 47 yr old sober alcoholic. Good luck!
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