bexxed

This is the third day I haven't had a drink. I was planning to work out later, and there are some hot springs I wanted to check out tomorrow. I have company coming- a couple. I really really don't want to see them. Not because they are big drinkers- they aren't at all, actually. I have two beers left in my fridge and was hoping they would drink them. But I don't want to see them because, I can't explain it, they are the kinds of people that I wanted to drink around. They are high maintenance. Cause a big presence. I'm sure I'd be fine if it was any weekend other than this one. Fortunately they are in later this afternoon and out tomorrow mid morning. I feel awfully guilty saying that I wish they weren't coming, but in a way, honestly, that's the kind of thing I'd NEVER say. I'm thinking about it and there are thousands of situations like that- where I plow through mildly buzzed, or maybe even inebriated. So, it'll be fine, it has a beginning, a middle, and an end. And after that? The hot springs await. I'm looking forward to that. It's something you can't do under the influence, not to mention the hours long drive to get there.

I had a really, really bad experience with AA two years ago. It's hard to imagine going back, but if it was what I had thought it would be (based on what people had told me) I would love to go to a meeting this weekend. I have a sense that it's exactly what I need to do somehow. But for now I'm going to let this be an outlet for that. Thanks.

least

You can always get support here. Stay strong this weekend. You'll feel better if you do and you'll get to the hot springs safely and have a good time.

bexxed

Thanks. I want to vent now. That's what this forum is for, right? Sort of? (Warning: if you- the reader- are like the AA people I encountered, you may be tempted to rip me apart for this, please wait though because I'm a little raw right now.)

I do care right now about what people think, because I'm a f&#^ing alcoholic at 3 days without a drink, trying to restructure my life and find and create joy in it, but that's very different than what I was doing last week, and feeling this out is never easy, even though I've been here before. My brain is a little prickly AND I'm addicted to the lie that we all know- behind the hot feeling in your throat when you take a shot or gulp some wine there's another, bigger lie, it's the everything, the streetmap of your life and it's all. wrong. like. this. And we deny it. That's what drinking alcoholically is and that's why I can't determine anyone else's story but my own. So anyway. I'm figuring it out and I still have a couple hangups.

I have a friend/work acquaintance (in my line of work- it's the equivalent of a very important client, actually) who I was supposed to go to this wine festival with tomorrow. And, liar I am, I wrote here that I'd cancelled it, well, I'd only planned to. See, I'm a liar but it was the intention, I hadn't gotten to it yet because I didn't know what I was going to say. I should have asked you all but I didn't even think of it because uh, what? Ask for help? Ha. So, sorry I lied. Anyway, I did just finally get around to texting her and told her a lie. I lied to her. I told her that I couldn't go because I am on medication for Lyme disease (which I don't have, but which I have had in the past so that's why I know you aren't supposed to drink on the meds, not that that stopped me before) and that it didn't make sense to buy a ticket since I couldn't drink, but that there's a great jazz band playing at a coffeehouse and I'd love for her to go to that with me. It's a good lie. She wasn't very nice about it, she said "oh ok, well, maybe I will go to coffeehouse, prob not" so I told her a little about how painful my joints are and that I'll be going to the hot springs tomorrow. I am a f%$*ing sociopath. Lying about not drinking with the same precision I hopped liquor stores, planned my morning extra strong bloody maries before work, etc. (Because yeah, of course it had gotten that bad, that fast, again... I was drinking before noon at least 2-3 days a week.)

So I know I don't have to lie. I know I don't have to care what anyone thinks and that this is between me and the force that guides me, I know that shame is toxic and anger when mismanaged can go barreling right into shame, and lies, and self doubt, and that sh8t all lives behind the bar, and it smiles, and says "come back where you belong. you are so, so, so good at this." And this is the beginning and I need to sort it all out. I don't want to cancel plans with a "client" -in fact if my boss knew about this I could get in trouble. I don't see how that will happen but will be planning it way in the back of my head. This is the beginning. I won't be making plans to go to any more wine festivals. No more bars. (Except the jazz bar- it's a coffeehouse that also serves beer and wine but way more of a coffeehouse ) I just hope this doesn't come back to bite me. And I really, really, really, really look forward to a time when I don't lie anymore. I don't know what's caused more of the wrinkles in my face- the booze or the stress associated with it... lies, lies, lies, and the shame, fear, and distrust they create. I'm over it!

Thanks for listening.