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Old 05-25-2013, 07:40 AM   #1 (permalink)

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The Truth

I posted a couple days ago, here is the real deal, last saturday was my sixth dui, I am going through a divorce and owe the irs $90,000. I have two girls 10 and 8,, I have ruined their lives, lost my job, home is in foreclosure. I am in my forties and have to move in with my mom until i go to jail, I am frozen like a deer in headlights. I can barely function on a daily basis knowing all the problems that I have caused. Alcohol as been the direct cause of all of it. I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel at all. Although I have not drank since last saturday, my thought is who cares, nothing will get better with all the problems i have. Any help, suggestions,, advice would be nice. I have been going to aa meetings, cant go back to rehab because I have no insurance (been to rehab 3 times) what to do???????
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:50 AM   #2 (permalink)

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Keep going to the AA meetings. Commit to them .. don't just use them ("half measures availed us nothing").

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 05-25-2013, 07:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Time for a do-over!

I believe that even if you can't go back to rehab (which clearly hasn't worked for you up to this point anyway), you can still make a commitment now, today, to stop drinking. That seems like the obvious first step to digging yourself out of your hole. Whatever your drinking has done to hurt your girls you can start to make up for today by getting --and staying -- sober. You may have damaged them, but you have not "ruined their lives." Your home is in foreclosure but at least you have another place to stay. Maybe jail can be a positive thing that removes you from your current path and gives you time to contemplate the person you want to be and the life you want to have and to plan how to make that happen. Start over.

Best wishes to you and keep posting. You are not the person to be where you are and I believe you can turn it around, but YOU have to believe that, too!
Be great in act, as you have in thought. . .
-- Shakespeare
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I was blind until I got sober. I couldn't see that problems were rolling in on top of problems until I was crushed under so many layers. Now I'm starting to feel that I can roll up my sleeves to start cleaning up the mess. Some of the mess isn't pretty ... some of it is really nasty ... but it's my mess and I'm going to put right brick by brick. I don't know if that helps but it's what's been chattering around in my head since early this morning.
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You have a LOT going on right now. Not just addiction, but life problems too. Just from a VERY practical standpoint- since you are having a financial crisis, housing issues, and legal issues- a lawyer is clearly in order and surely you have one. This also may be a situation where the services of a social worker are helpful. Can you find a social worker in your area?

Please don't drink. Do anything but that! You have suffered enough. 40 is not old! You can change, but you can't do it alone. If they offer counseling in jail- use it! Do you know how much time you're looking at?
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Old 05-25-2013, 08:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
God either is, or He isn't.
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I can totally understand the feelings and emotions behind this post. I too, was faced with what I deemed, "HUGE" issues when I got sober. The wreckage of my past seemed hopeless. I hadn't seen my two daughters for more than a year (they were 4 and 5 at that time), their father was filing for divorce and sole custoday in a different state, I had no money to my name, I was being evicted, no job, and was sitting at a women's ranch getting cleen and sober out in Riverside with the pigs and chickens. Little did I know what my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, had in store for me.

When all seems too big or hopeless, know that the willingness needed to commence on a program of action, starting with a belief or a willingness to believe, in a power greater than yourself, will prevail!!! The promises in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous DO COME true for those that work it.

Once I placed my power in a God of MY understanding, great things started to happen. I got my kids back, got a higher paying job than I had ever had, had a place to live, was able to start repairning the damage I caused to my parents, the spiritual malady that I suffer from, was worked on, amends were made, sanity was restored, and the list goes on and on...

I wish you the very best! I kept going to meetings, I got a sponsor, I worked the steps, I was of service to others and I took others through the steps. I am not the only one... I have seen many "hopeless" cases be turned around all for God's glory!!

Hang in there and remember, it does get better, as long as I don't take a drink!!!!
55th Annual ICYPAA in Phoenix, AZ - July 11-14, 2013
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Some people will give you advice like "pray to Jesus and everything will work out". I respect their opinion, but I recommend a more scientific and realistic outlook. I know all looks hopeless for you. Judging by your tone and the mountain of issues you listed, you are at least able to face the issues. The FIRST thing you need to do is commit to sobriety. You can either tackle this mess drunk, or sober - which do you think will work better?

Secondly, stop looking at the big picture and putting the weight of all those problems on your shoulders. Are you going to jail today? Are you being evicted in 5 minutes? No. You have a roof over your head, you have food on the table. Your life is not in danger. People get through this stuff, but you have to start simplifying things. Unless you have 90K in your pocket and a friend in the justice department, this won't disappear over night. Small steps. What can you do TODAY to get one inch closer to happiness? How about make a plan? Start by listing out your issues, one by one. Get started on fixing them, one by one. Make a call. Set up a meeting. Don't overwhelm yourself with the grand task, make your goals smaller, more realistic, and achievable.

And - STAY SOBER. That should be job 1. Good luck to you.
Doing the work. Living the dream.

Last edited by bigsombrero; 05-25-2013 at 09:26 AM. Reason: i deleted an accidental sentence
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Old 05-25-2013, 09:45 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed now.

The thing is you are not going to fix things in the week you've been sober. You have big life problems to deal with and it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of patience to get through all the stuff. As long as you are sober, you'll be able to do it.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

Marianne Williamson
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Old 05-25-2013, 11:58 AM   #9 (permalink)

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After the darkest of nights the sun always rises

sounds cheesy but i really believe that. I also believe life wouldn't be worth living without hardship.
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Old 05-25-2013, 12:58 PM   #10 (permalink)
Keeping it simple!
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Drinking isn't going to make the problems go away either and in fact, will probably just make the problems even worse.

Every problem has a solution, but you will not find it in a bottle.

Okay you f&*^ed up. Now is the time to sober up, stand tall and deal with these problems. You are stonger than you think you are. One day at a time is what you need to do. Keep going to AA meetings and keeping posting and reading here. There will always be consequences to our choices and we can't run away from it, they will ALWAYS catch up with us. People make mistakes, the thing is are you ready to learn from them?

You are not alone in this there are people here that have been in the same spot you are in and they made it thru. It won't be easy, but if you have the determination you can do it.
Sobriety Date: July 21, 2012

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Old 05-25-2013, 01:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hey Ryan head hung after finishing your post. That must be a lot to deal w/...I thot me not working, mortgages 4 mths behind, Gas cut off & AW who stole 15K from me still thinking we're in lala land that my life was over. I'm in NO WAY putting you down/don't get me wrong. The old timers @ my home group said there's lots of people who have gone thru worse & I can make it if I go to as many mtgs as I can(since not working much) & work the program. Most days I am joyous happy & free but last few days have been a real drag!
Stick w/ it, get w/ it, you might just get it!
Best wishes
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Old 05-25-2013, 01:17 PM   #12 (permalink)
Learning to live again
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Hi Ryan. I hope it helps to be able to talk about what's happened. At least maybe it'll relieve your anxiety a little - knowing we understand and are not going to judge you. No one sets out to destroy their life - I did irrational things during my drinking years, too. I have put my life back together, piece by piece. You will too.

Nothing ever stays the same for long. No matter how hopeless things seem right now, you can rebuild. Your life may not turn out the way you planned - but it can still be wonderful, maybe even better. Please don't think that picking up a drink is going to help calm your nerves. It would be a dangerous thing to do. You need to prove to yourself and everyone else that you're done with that way of life. I hope you won't sabotage yourself by caving. Said with love - not lecturing you. Please let us know how you're doing.
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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Old 05-25-2013, 01:21 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Hi ryan

I know it might not seem this way, but please try to remember we're not the sum of our wealth or our debts. The light is not at the end of a tunnel, but inside you - it's the inherent dignity and value of being human, someone who loves and is loved. We're so accustomed in our society to judging by our wealth, or lack of it. What you can do now is to love your children, and be loved by them (same with your parents). I'm sure you've got regrets and problems and I don't mean to belittle them, but you are not the sum of those problems, and you will come out the other side of those problems.

God bless you Ryan +
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Old 05-25-2013, 02:05 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Your daughters are ONLY 8 and 10. You have 10 years until they are both at least 18. So who cares... they do. It is going to make a HUGE difference to them whether their daddy is drunk for those years or if he chooses to stop drinking and be there for them. Do you want to miss being able to watch them grow up the rest of the way because you're too busy drinking? Who cares? YOU DO. Because you want something better for your life or you wouldn't be so worried about the problems.

You have an opportunity right now to show them how to handle being in a tough situation. Are you going to be the sort of role model that keeps drinking after the 6th dui or the sort of role model who uses it as a wake up call and turns his life around after the 6th dui?

Things WILL get better... if you quit drinking. One day at a time, you can pay off the IRS with that money you would have been wasting on beer. You can stop getting more duis and having to go back to jail. If you quit drinking, you can get a job or a second job in the evenings if you already have one and work to save up and move back out of your mom's house.

I found I had many, many problems in my life when I quit drinking and for a long time, all I did when I had a problem was to drink. That never solved anything. Now that I'm not drinking, I'm dealing with them. It's slow, sometimes it's painful... but honestly it is such a relief once I face the problems and deal with them... then they are GONE and I don't have to worry.

Sobriety has to be #1 for you. Once you have some sober time under your belt, dealing with everything else will become much easier.
Quit Cigarettes 1/1/13. Quit Alcohol 4/9/13. Quit Marijuana 7/18/13.
Actions don't lie.
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Old 05-25-2013, 03:52 PM   #15 (permalink)
Been there, done that!
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Work the 12 steps fast and allow God into your life to help and heal you. He has a plan for you I know you might not want to believe it but its true... Good luck and god bless.
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Old 05-25-2013, 04:03 PM   #16 (permalink)
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You have a mountain of problems, that's for sure. But your daughters are young, and by staying sober, paying your dues to society and slowly working yourself back into being a good father and a productive man you can show your two girls that it is possible for a person to climb out of even the deepest and darkest of holes.

And that my friend will be an incredible life lesson for both of them.
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Old 05-25-2013, 04:07 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Also, if I were in your position, I would make a serious commitment to AA. It's free and meetings are almost certainly available in your area. The fellowship of AA is something that should help you greatly at this low point in your life, as there will almost certainly be others who have traveled the road you're currently on. And there is a good chance there will be AA meetings in jail if you do end up there.

Hang tough; I know the road ahead will be long and hard, but this is something you can do--for yourself and for your daughters.
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Old 05-29-2013, 09:16 PM   #18 (permalink)
Keeping it simple!
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How are you doing Ryan?
Sobriety Date: July 21, 2012

"God has a plan for you...and what it is is none of your business." (A Buddhist Monk)

“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden
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