ersatzmatriarch

hello, all.

i'm here today, finally, because I realized that the haunting thoughts I've been having for months on end are real... and i am an alcoholic.

i am mostly a mom... three kids (all girls, aged 7, 5 1/2, and 4), a dog who has seizures, and a loving, caring husband who loves me but can't understand why i am so far away more than half the time.

i don't have horror stories of what went wrong while i was drinking... at least, not from an outsider perspective. no elicit engagements, no bank accounts emptied, no blackouts in a place i don't recognize. i have very mellow horror stories... and the thing is that i made them all on my own, usually sitting on my couch or in my backyard garden. but, i have horror stories a plenty for what i see happening in my own mind, and that is why i'm here.

i drink a lot now. i guess i should give the caveat that i'm a stay-at-home mom, housewife, mominator, homemaker, whatever... i just call myself the matriarch. i'm that chick... the one who runs the household part of life.

and i drink a lot while i do that.

i've had insane bouts of drinking since i was a rebellious teenager... then let it go. no problems. no questions. i went back to it as an above-age college student... then let it go yet again, and never looked back. i've been addicted to more drugs than i can count over time... and gave them all up without a second thought, when for every circumstance i'd wake up to realize i hated myself, and that drug was gone forever. seriously... i never felt the need or want to go back to any of that crap. never a second thought. never an issue. just done.

here's the rub... this glass of wine (which inevitably turns into two or three bottles a night) is something i haven't been able to walk away from on my own. even though i know full well what it can and will do to my health. even though i know that driving my girls just the three blocks home from school after a nap-time happy hour is beyond negligent and dangerous.

i've been drinking like this for a full year. maybe that's a short-timer problem, maybe it's longer than a person can comprehend. for me... it is a full year of not being present... not being even remotely engaged... being flat out destructive and thoughtless to the family i wanted and love more than i love myself. a full year of not being anything but drunk by 11:00 am.

why am i still here doing this? i don't know. i've done the research... i don't know what my triggers are except for it being any day that has a 10:00 am. when things go crazy in life, it doesn't make me drink because i'm already drinking. i love my family... i love my husband... i love my kids. i'm not trying to escape... i just need to drink to get through it. and i don't understand why. and i can't stop myself.

and i'm scared.

i've always been able to monitor and fix myself... even with hardcore stuff like cocaine and pot laced with PCP. i hated what it turned me into, and i quit. end of story. but now? now... when it's "just wine"? i am helpless. i am hopeless. i am scared and angry and alone and broken. and i don't know what to do.

i know a long-time AA lady... she was my practically my second mom growing up... but the thought of telling her is almost as scary as telling my husband (who is, for some reason.... either his inability to notice truth or my ability to act). though i know she could and would help me. i'm also an atheist... and though i know AA isn't just for the religious, it kinda makes me uncomfortable. (though, i think i'm at the point now that i can deal, no matter what.) i'm just scared to make the call. i'm scared to tell my husband that i'm an alcoholic (i know... you think he knows... but i'm telling you he has no clue. seriously.) i've researched all kinds of treatments and approaches... and i've discovered that my only hope is to go full-on abstinence... as scary as that is in so many ways, i know it's what i need to do.

i acknowledge that i can't have just one drink and stop. i acknowledge that i can't enjoy a toast or two and let it go. i acknowledge that i need two bottles of cheap red wine to feel human after the two or three bottles i had the night before.

holy crap. i'm an alcoholic. i have no choices other than to keep dying like i've been dying, or live like i want and need to live. for myself. for my three girls. for my husband and our future. for life.

never drinking again? i'm scared of that. that's so unbelievably scary to me. i don't even know how to imagine that.

but i think i'm ready to try...

thank you all... whoever stopped by to read this. and if you have something to say, no matter what it is, thank you even more. i'm not used to reaching out to people... much less strangers on the computer. but i do know my limits... and though i may not always follow them, when i reach out, i am ready to hear what you have to say. so thank you. thank you a million times...

Sobreia

Thank you for sharing your story, I was very moved by the way in which you express your thoughts and emotions. Welcome to SR, I am glad you found your way here. I am sober since 27 days and could not have done it without the kindness and support of the wonderful group of people who are on here.

The advise I could offer so far is to be kind to yourself, in thought and action, honest and open with those you love and trust, and to never hesitate to reach out for help when you need it. By giving and getting support I have found a lot of strength, courage and valuable self insight.

One day at the time. I am here to listen if you would like to talk more. Be well, S

Hevyn

Welcome to the family ersatz. You won't regret joining us - this is a great place where we all understand.

I went into my 50's still drinking heavily. It caused terrible damage to my finances, health, relationships - yet I was so afraid to let go of it. It was fun once, and a nice escape. Those days were gone, though. I had long ago crossed the line from social drinking to alcoholic drinking. As you said, there's not just a glass of wine - it's usually the whole bottle - and then another. For me, drinking extended into the next day most of the time. In the end, I was never without it in my system. This doesn't have to happen to you. I'm glad you see what it's doing to your life. You don't need it. If I can stop after decades of being dependent on it, I know you can. We are here to help support your effort.

Bubovski

Thanks for all the insights.
After decades of extreme/ heavy/ moderate/crazy/ less crazy drinking I am finding A.A. meetings very helpful. There are secular ones available.
All of my life I have gravitated between extreme religion and atheism.....not too stable a position. I now believe there is a God or higher ethical Being though I don't worry too much about all the fine print.

You sound like a nice drunk, but you have to think of your health, family etc.
I have found pleasant people away from the booze scenario in terms of socializing and I hope you will too. Two or three bottles a night is really over the top.

Anna

Welcome,

I'm glad you found us and that you know you need to stop drinking. It sounds like you know you are not doing your best for your family or for yourself. Please know that we understand how hard this is. I was so scared when I finally stopped drinking because I couldn't imagine getting through a day without alcohol. But, you will find that you can do it.

My suggestion is that you get rid of all alcohol in the house and don't buy anymore. Talking to your dr is always a good idea, too. I learned that stopping drinking was just the first step. I had to deal with all the issues and concerns that led me to medicating my life away with alcohol, and it's been a long, but rewarding journey. You can do this!

ersatzmatriarch

(i'm not so good at this computer stuff, so i just hope i'm doing this right...)

thank you for your support! i'm in the 'one second at a time' bracket now... but knowing that some people care and are willing to share and listen helps immensely. so, thank you!!!

Grungehead

Hi ersatz,

My story is completely different from yours yet it is exactly the same. I couldn't stop after taking that first drink. I think you will find this place very helpful and friendly. We don't judge here because we have been where you are now.

If you can get up the courage I would call your AA friend. It sounds like she could really be helpful to you right now. Remember she has been where you are now at some point in her life and will understand. That is the great thing about alcoholics helping other alcoholics, we can relate and understand how you feel because we have been there too.

upandup

Welcome, em, glad you're here. I wish I could offer a blanket, a hot cup of tea and tell you everything will be alright. Well, that last part I can at least do! It is alright to feel afraid, you sound grounded and I'd be more concerned for you if you were cavalier about your situation. People do die from alcohol withdrawals, it is not a matter to be trifled with.

First things first, see a doctor and be honest. Show her/him this post if you feel too nervous to speak. Not able to get in right away? Call AA or a local detox for info on what you need to do right now. They might not have the answer but may be able to refer you to someone who can help.

Next, like someone mentioned, dispose of all of the alcohol in the house. Does your husband drink?

Third, can you ask yourself which is scarier: the prospect of continuing drinking or living sober? I understand, it is scary. It is a reclaimation of self. At the time I quit I didn't know if I had a self to reclaim. But, bit by bit, I have. Coming to the realization that I could no longer live in quotation marks, through the haze of a couple of bottles of wine a night, well, that was a hard fact I had to face. I am so glad I did.

It's a huge step in coming here, I'm glad you did. Sending you strength.

Bruce292

Hello and welcome. What you said here was one of my greatest fears. Drinking and getting high was how I spent my time, it defined my social life, it sheltered me from life's storms. I've realized since I got sober that it was all just the path of self destruction. I guess I always knew that but it was difficult to admit. I'm still scared when I realize that I'm trying to stay sober for good. I'm learning though that being afraid is OK as long as I face those fears and try to resolve them.

Thank you for posting!

Tamerua

I relate to so much if your story, it is unbelievable actually. Call your AA friend... Maybe you're worried if you do, that is true accountability? Then your secret is out, with someone who had the same secret. I also am not religious, not atheist, maybe more agnostic, but I dove into AA because I knew I couldn't do it alone.

Keep posting, don't drink, and don't think about not having a drink forever... That overwhelmed me at first.

least

EM to a friendly and supportive site. Admitting there is a problem is the first stet to solving it. I too would suggest calling your AA friend and talking about your problem.

I was a wino too, one to three bottles a day. Thought I couldn't live without it, but with the help of this site and my counselor I've been sober over three years now. If I can do it, so can you.


PS, love your username

ersatzmatriarch

no, my hub doesn't really drink... maybe a fancy beer aftet a fruday at work, but that's it. (and for me, since my first pregnancy, beer ain't my thing. i can have a case in the house, and never feel tempted. wine... watch out! beer... no!!!)

i did call my AA friend just this evening after posting... i was terrified, but did it. i had to leave a message, and almost hung up, but i didn't. i asked if we could get together and chat about some things. i'm still terrified, but i hope she calls me back, because i know now i need help...

again, thank you all. your support and encouragement is what i've been too scared to ask for in my life. shame will do that...

Ptcapote

Hey EM, thanks for sharing your story...you sound very self-aware and committed to taking the first (scariest) step in admitting you have a problem. I, like others here, was also a 2-3 bottle of wine a night girl. I was also worried about AA being too religious for my tastes but it has been a huge help---along with this site---in keeping me sober for the past 3.5 months.

Good news on AA, specifically: I don't know where you are in NOVA but there are tons of excellent meetings in the greater DC area that are most definitely more of the secular variety. If you don't feel like going to your old friend, check out the AA Intergroup site for the DC area (which covers NOVA, too): Meeting Search | WAIA

Please feel free to PM me anytime if you feel like chatting more about it or need some guidance on meetings.

And, most of all, welcome! So glad you joined us!

ersatzmatriarch

thank you, ptcapote... i may well hit you up for that info. i did find three meetings close to me that i will check out (they are monday and thursday meetings, so i must wait), but if they aren't right for me, i'd love more info! i'm a 38 year old luddite, and am embarrassed about how long it even took me to find this place on-line. finding meetings has been an insane challenge, to say the least...

Mirel

Pondlady

Welcome from another ( former ) wine drinker. 4 o clock found me popping open a bottle and grabbing a goblet. I tried moderating the summer of 2011 , but resumed daily drinking. I quit in June 2012, which I found easier than moderating. I agree with Anna's post that we have underlying reasons we drink....stopping is the first important step. Stick with us....you're in good company

ersatzmatriarch

upandup: you asked me to ask myself a question... and the truth is being like this now is way scarier than the horrors i have in my mind of sobriety. never drinking again? i never imagined it would come to that. but, here i am, and am learning to embrace that notion. as scary as sobriety seems from where i stand now, feeling and being and drowning like i am is far more terrifying. right now, my kids are fairly unscathed... not for long, i'm sure. i'm not capable of putting my kids through this... no matter how easily i can do it to myself. (can your kids be your higher power??? seriously, as an atheist and getting ready to walk into AA, being unable to define that step makes me feel like i'm doomed to fail...) anyway... i don't want this anymore. i'm tired of being this miserable and drunk. somebody said 'popping the cork at 4pm'... and i'm shamed and disgusted to say i barely get to 10am each day. i can't live like this. not anymore. (and for all that conviction, i'm still terrified...)

Deckard

Ersatz,

By posting on here, you've done something really courageous and smart. When I found SR I was blown away... so many people here had the same experiences and struggles I did. I had no idea. And it was an important first step for me to know that I was actually not alone, that there was an entire community of people (online and in "real life" too) who knew exactly what I was going through, because they had been there too...

So, when I read your story tonight it sounds so familiar to me, because I felt that same confusion and fear.... I know where you are coming from. You are not alone. And it really can get better if you are ready to give this everything you've got.

Find those meetings. Keep posting here. Read the SR "stickies." You really can do this. I'm pulling for you!

bexxed

Ersatz,

Somewhere in Texas there's a wide awake and edgy 36 year old woman sipping seltzer and inspired by your post. You write beautifully and expressed something many of us feel, I am sure. I'm just rounding out a second day, and won't pretend to know anything but that I think if we don't drink today, and let tomorrow turn into today, we're on the right path. I was drinking cheap red wine at 11 AM on Monday, didn't do it all the time, but I sure drank it, or beer, or both, add some booze, every. day.

Feel it all out. Alcohol withdrawal can be no joke for some of us and it might be a really good idea to see a doc. Also think about it- AA might be terrible for you, it might be great, it might not be either, but some other resource of many that will help you not drink today. It's not for everyone. But it doesn't have to be so... finite. Think about if you walk into a fitness center, and realize that you don't want to go there a few weeks later, because you might want to lose weight and get fit by doing... zumba instead, so you go to a dance/zumba center. You haven't failed, they haven't failed, it just wasn't what you needed. But maybe just because you disliked something about the first place, you were able to use it differently than others there, and it was able to work out for you.

There are so so so many ways to skin a cat. Don't let fear of failure make you fail. Thanks for helping me tonight, I really needed to read this post.

xoxo

Bex

upandup

Horrors of sobriety? Please elaborate. Sometimes breaking down what it is you're afraid of can help.