upandup

Also, good on you for calling your AA friend

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

Sit down and have a talk with your husband. You might find a tremendous sense of relief after you do. I remember when I told my wife. She was very supportive.

ersatzmatriarch

upandup... the horror of sobriety is just that i don't know how to do it. i don't know how to get through a day of housework without wine. i don't know how to face cleaning another bathroom without a coffee mug of wine in one hand. i don't know who i am without wine, and it scares me...

Briar

What I needed was accountability and honesty. I had to suck it up and admit to a handful of people that I was an alcoholic. For me those people were my doctor, an addiction therapist, my husband, and a couple of my close friends. I had to accept that the hiding and deceiving everyone made me feel horrible, and that I had to be honest with myself and those close to me if I ever expected to recover. I was freaked out by the exposure of AA, so I went with individual therapy and these forums. I update my two close friends every time I reach a significant milestone. I had to come out of hiding. Please seek out a support system, something to keep you accountable. You clearly have so many people who love you and want you to be well. Start with your doctor.

SnwFlower

Welcome! We're so glad that you are here. You've clearly come to a great place for understanding and support. Thank you for your posting, it was so humbly and beautifully communicated, and very relatable.

Wine was my thing too, ...a bottle or two a night. I was also intimidated by the notion of sobriety. Now at nearly 4 months of sobriety, I feel the healthy and confident me emerging out from hiding. Seeing life clear again is a precious and beautiful gift that you have to look forward to, so much better, beyond the fear of conquering it. You can do it, we all believe in you!

Big hug.

sugarbear1

A willingness to believe the steps will help is all you really need, at least that is all I had to believe, then I worked through those steps.

I wish you well on your sober journey!

Leshar

Hello ErsatzM,

Your pain and anguish regarding your difficulties is palpable from your first post.
I think it takes a lot of guts to be so honest.
I'm new here, so I don't have much to offer, however, in my opinion, now that you've approached your AA friend for a chat about options, it would be best to see it through, and not get too frightened, and tell her a different reason why you wanted to talk. The die is cast, so to speak.
You mentioned that your current use of alcohol had been going on for about a year. May I ask was there some significant factor that contributed to your present use, about a year ago? I mean did something change in your life that you feel/felt you had little control over? I don't at all mean to be nosy, it just struck me that you seemed focused on the last year in particular.

I too was a big wine drinker. SnwFlower's post of today reminds me what I'm working towards, at only 25 days for me, I feel anything but healthy and confident, but I'm pressing on one day at a time, and hope that I may earn these gifts and others in my life.

This is a wonderful, supportive community.
Take care and good luck...

ersatzmatriarch

leshar... you asked if something set me off a year ago. the answer is difficult... it's yes and no. the idea to crack the bottle open quickly progressed from 8pm to 5, then 2, then i'd hit it right after getting my kindergartener off the bus at 11:30 while i made lunch for the kids. then it was 10 in the morning. there really wasn't a major episode in my life that started it... i had just come out of a fierce depression stemming from libido issues (having three kids in quick succession can do that, i suppose) but i've battled depression at many points in my life and i honestly don't think that triggered me. i admit that i could be wrong about that...

it might sound incredibly insane, but i just got tired of doing all the things i do in my daily life (mom and housewife stuff... all stuff that has to be redone in hours or days) while sober. cleaning toilets didn't bother me so much if i was drinking. so, i'd just drink more for every round of laundry...

i need to be honest here and say that i have not made the leap to sobriety yet. admitting here yesterday for the first time ever that i need to is freeing and terrifying... i just feel so woefully unprepared in this moment. i have not yet heard back from my AA friend, and though i tried to open my mouth and start talking to my husband at least ten times today i didn't. i have the address and time for a meeting on monday night... and i will go.

i'm scared i'll go and have the courage to actually go in but i'll just sit in the back and cry. i feel fairly certain i won't be judged for that, but that kind of nakedness is frightening. it frightens me because in my mind, that will mean the point of no return... i'll have to commit to getting well or commit to continuing like this. i don't want to stay like this or get worse. i just don't know how to not be like this...

SnwFlower

You've already taken a very big and brave step by starting the dialogue about getting sober. That is something to be proud of. You're headed in the right direction and that's what's important. Each step will take you there.

upandup

Wine + housework = me too, when I was drinking. Just something to relieve the tedium, Mother's Little Helper indeed!

Maybe you've mastered your domain and are asking yourself Now what? What sort of things do you have going on for yourself? What would you like to do?

Zencat

I'm an atheist too ersatzmatriarch.

I go to AA for the fellowship, as the 12 steps 'are not for me'. I do have many resources that help keep me sober. for me, CBT Recovery (cbtrecovery) has made a great replacement program for AA's 12 steps program. I do like working a program that will help me stay on the wide path of wellness. And I like being around others that do the same.

Never give up on quitting alcohol, no matter what!

ersatzmatriarch

i like to read. (i actially have several books coming in by wednesday... all of which are titles i've seen mentioned on these very boards.)

i love to write... plays, especially... but haven't been able to do that for a year. i like to workout, but haven't been able to do that for a year either. getting back to these two things are two of my triggers to finally accept my addiction and find the courage to make a massive change.

i do look forward to the fellowship i'm finding here and hoping to find when i go to my first AA meeting tomorrow night. i'm not that much of a social being usually, but i do need people who understand in times such as these.

i have a deadline to talk to the husband... i'll have to tell him where i'm going and why before i hit that meeting tomorrow. i still don't know what to say... so i'm picking up my pen and paper today to journal my thoughts and find some clarity.

i still haven't heard back from my AA friend. i guess if it weren't for you all here right now, i'd be feeling very alone. but i don't. i'm reading your journeys and thoughts, finding my strength in yours, and i feel less scared and alone right now because of you. thank you for helping me find a way to save myself.

HappyRose

Ers... you are not alone. I can relate to you so much. I can't imagine my life without wine. But I am on day 4 of sobriety. It's hard. I'm not gonna lie. But having a clear mind and being truly present for my daughter makes each sober day a gift.

I recommend you see your doctor before quitting completely. Your intake has been pretty high. I drank one to one and a half bottles of red wine a night and am experiencing only mild anxiety. You may have to taper. Just be careful.

I know how you feel about talking to your husband. Mine had no clue that I have a problem. I'm very high functioning so everything still got done. I'm too afraid to talk to him because the last time I tried he dismissed me and said he is NOT married to an alcoholic. Just sharing this because I know the conversation could go well or not so well. Bottom line is that you need support from somewhere even if it isn't from him.

Hugs.

ersatzmatriarch

happyrose... way to go on 4 days!!

i see your point completely about seeing the doc. i need to call her tomorrow anyway about some other issues. i know it may be rough on my body and spirit, but i know i can't taper down. i've been trying moderation for three months now, and am drinking more in the long run. on the very few days i have succeeded on limiting my drinking, i'm just having night sweats... it sucks, but i've always been a hot sleeper anyway, so i've been able to handle it. i'm hoping for the best... but am putting together a plan for what to do if it gets worse.

i will still call my doc tomorrow for both issues i'm facing. i just don't think i can put that last drink off much longer. as scared as i am of taking the next step on this journey, i'm more scared of what will happen if i don't.

Leshar

Hi, ErsatzM
Thank you for answering the question I asked.
I know exactly what you mean about mundane household chores.
I live alone and don't have kids, and since I've been on my own (hb died 6 yrs ago) I just sort of gave up eventually and let the place go into chaos. But as I saw it worsening it made me drink more so I could ignore it.
So I get why you needed the booze to get you through.
You mentioned you were an above average college student, I wonder if your present role is just not a good fit for you, do you need to be challenged more intellectually?
I guess reasons don't matter really though, what we have to deal with is the problem in the "here and now".

Good luck with your meeting tomorrow and with talking with your husband.

ersatzmatriarch

thanks, leshar. i was an above-AGE college student. not the fresh out of high school kid. in studies i excelled only in my major (theatre.) just helping my first-grader on homework is a challenge for me now (and not just because of the booze... i really don't get basic math. never have, probably never will.)

i do need to push myself... and that's why writing was always so great for me. being a playwright is so very difficult. but, it's impossible to do (at least for me) when i'm drunk or hungover. i think that's why i'm finally able to come to terms with my truth now... i see the new truth of myself everyday, but knowing full well that i can't string together three pages of dialogue (on top of all the other things i can't currently do) is kind of the last straw. writing used to be my salvation, and i can't even access that now.

i do think of going back to school for a grad then a masters degree (in dramaturgy) sometime in the future... full-time school is something i can't consider now, and being an addict is actually the smallest of reasons for that. what i need now is to insure that i have a future in which i can do something like that.

i guess that's really the root of why i'm here on SR today... i won't have that future if i don't make a change...

ersatzmatriarch

also leshar... i'm sorry for the loss of your hub. i wish you peace...