CassandraXXX

Hi everyone!

I just discovered this website. I've been trying to doing this by myself. Been 2 months sober! I was doing so well .... until today.

My mom died a few months ago. She knew she was dying and didn't say good-bye to me. My family is extremely dysfunctional. We just don't talk, period.

The temptation to drink today was SO strong. I kept delaying...I'm a PhD, but unemployed. I applied for 2 jobs today. But it takes so much energy to sell your soul on paper, to explain your life's achievements on one or two pages of paper, desperately trying to convince a stranger to believe in you. Only to get the inevitable "We regret to inform you...."

The internet in this poor country (I'm living as an expat to save money) went down for 5 hours. Of ALL days, right? And toward early evening (my period of vulnerability), I gave in and bought alcohol. ****! I want to get right back on the wagon tomorrow morning, so this one slip-up does not drag me back to Hell. I have no health insurance and can't afford to get sick.

Would anyone be willing to just email me once a day for the next 21 days or so, just to keep me accountable? I need an "e-sponsor". It wouldn't take a lot of time. Just a quick ping: "Did you stay sober today?" It's too easy to lie to myself. Thank you. God bless.

Cassandra

Dee74

Hi Cassandra

I'm sorry for your loss and for your job situation. Can you apply for jobs in other countries - I'm thinking if you get the job the money worries wont matter as much?

why not just post here daily - you'll get a lot of responses...why have one mentor and one point of view when you can have 100, 000?

I got a lot of out making myself come here everyday, reading and posting - it really kept me accountable.

Wideide58

Hello: I am an expat in recovery. I know how awful it feels to slip but don't let it keep you down. The problem with failure is not the falling down, it's the staying down. This is my first post ever, but if you need someone to communicate to I can be there for you. You are never alone in the sober community. By the way I'm only 54 days sober' so kind of a newbie! Don't get hung up on continuous days sober - better to be sober 20 days out of 23 than just counting off days. Lots more to say but don't want to get preachy. You can do it and you will!

LadyinBC

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. This site really is great and you can post anytime and someone will respond to you.

Michael66

Have sent you a PM Cassandra.

Hevyn

Welcome Cassandra! I think you'll feel much better being part of the family here at SR. These people helped me get sober and stay that way.

I'm sorry for what you've been going through. It's hard to admit that alcohol will not give us the relief we seek - but it's really true. I fell back on it so many times, but it only added to my misery. I know you already realize that - and you're wise to get back on track. You can do it!

CassandraXXX

Thanks, Michael! Apparently I can't PM until I have 5 posts.... :-)

Wideide58

Cassandra:

Just checking in with you. How is it going? Hope you are feeling better.

CassandraXXX

Thanks! Headache this morning, as expected. And feeling ashamed. But today is a new day.

sugarbear1

Have you thrown out all of the liquor in your home? That is a start. Don't buy any more!!

You can stay stopped!!

Living

Welcome aboard and keep posting. Death without closure is hard, I have been through it. Good luck and try to remember how much better you felt physically during sobriety. You can do it.

Wideide58

Cassandra:

Can you tell a little about your approach to sobriety? Are you on a program or some other plan? I began drinking at age 12 - now in my mid-50's. About 3 years ago I was near bottom (I thought) and went to a 30 day rehab. Very helpful and I was dry for 1 year. Then I moved to a new job location and bam! Before I was off the plane I was crazy out of control, drinking a bottle of vodka a day starting when I rolled out of bed and drinking all day even at work. My co-workers noticed (I was reeking of alcohol) and I got called in by my boss and told to get my act together or move on (this was a new, much lower bottom for me than I could have ver imagined). Talk about shame - I am now 55 days sober and trying to deal with regaining the respect of my boss and co-workers. But the amazing thing is, that while I am having cravings every day, I am feeling good about my sobriety today. I'm working on changing myself, not just not drinking. I was a classic dry drunk - now I'm kind of an optimistic mess. Anyway, cheers - keep at it!

CassandraXXX

Well, I went 2 months without drinking, March 28 until May 22. So I got used to NOT buying beer. I slipped on May 23, but thanks to you guys, I reestablished sobriety the very next day, May 24 (yesterday). It's much harder to rationalize drinking when you have a whole community keeping you aware of the REALITY.

Anyway, I guess I'm lucky in that, even when I was drinking every day, I established certain rules. 1) Never anything stronger than beer; 2) Never drink before evening; 3) Never buy more than for that one evening.

That said, alcohol is alcohol, right!

2 days sober now, and still going strong. Thanks, you guys :-)

Cassandra

2granddaughters

Have you read AA's "HOW IT WORKS" ?? ...... you may well be "one of us".

All the best.

Bob R

Wideide58

Hope you are having another good day. Each day is a struggle for me. Each day further I say, I can handle this, maybe just one or two drinks and I can just stop again. Hasn't worked that way. Sounds like you are trying drinking in moderation. I don't have the discipline for that. One drink is too many and a thousand not enough! Please keep in touch with us to let us know how you are doing.

Mizzuno

Hello. How are you doing? I think that it is wonderful that you were able to jump right back into abstinence from alcohol. You do not have to go at this alone. We are all here for you. I need a community of people to support, and get support from. I hope that you stick around.
((((HUG))))

LuxAeterna

Hi Cassandra,

Keep up the great work! Interesting that I had the exact same rules which I only occassionally stretched. It was only recently I reaslied, however, that it was those rules that kept me in denial about the problem for much longer because they allowed me to 'function' and to keep the extent of my drinking habits a secret from others.

Sharing your experiences with others does not just hold you accountable, but also ensures that you are not living a secret life anymore, which for me has had some profound effects on my desire to drink. We do not have to go through this alone anymore

neferkamichael

Cassandra, rooting for ya, you are FANTASTIC.

ReadyAtLast

Welcome Cassandra,sorry about your mum.

Congrats on getting 2 months sober-you can get there again and more. I can relate,I got to 6 weeks twice last year and relapsed -just felt awful and unable to do it again. but I came back to SR in December and am coming up for 6 months now. I used SR daily and joined the class of December for support and to keep me accountable. I love the NEwcomers section too-the site is a great source of support and strength for me,and can be for you too.

Wideide58

Hello Cassandra:

Just checking in again - hope all is well, or even if not, you know you have a place to reach out to.