Uncertainty...
 

Am I an alcoholic? I haven't yet made that decision in full. I'm entertaining the thought at the moment, more so than I have in the past. Have I frequently had to defend my frequent imbibing?- yes. Do people who I love look at me with disappointment when I return time after time to the fridge?-yes. Have I been drunk more nights than I've been sober this week?- yes. Have I been a heavy drinker for my entire adult life, and to an extent even before that?- yes.
I found this site when I was looking for stories of other addicts, particularly opiate addicts. My man is an opiate addict going on five years now and has been bumping around through a treatment program since October of last year. That search led me to "Scotty's Story" on this site. That story really drew me in, and I started to wonder if that is how things are going to go for my guy. He's in a downward spiral and I've been along for the ride. Leading back to my own question of self discovery. Lately I've been completely self destructing. I'm drinking to escape my reality nearly every night, in fact I'm hungover as I type. Twice this week I've revisited a long ago left behind habit of cutting and I'm afraid of where this is going. I need to stop this train wreck before it makes impact. I am totally lost in a world of (his) pill addiction, and now am considering the possibility that he may not be the only one with a problem. The idea of not ever drinking again is pretty revolting to me, and that thought may very well keep me right where I am on the brink of self discovery without actually tipping the scales in that direction. Without a doubt I'm drinking too much, too often, and for the wrong reasons at this point in time. I'm lost to my own life, and am unable to move on to a better place. I'm stuck in a dead end job that won't support me for the rest of my life, haven't completed my education, and feel utterly alone in the world. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'll end up drunk one night in the not too distant future and completely give up on life. I have tried to kill myself in the past, a few years back, because of this very same problem- his addiction being too much for me to handle, our relationship being an absolute disaster, my drinking getting out of hand, and no where to turn. I feel like I'm approaching that exact set of circumstances again. I guess the circumstances themselves aren't changing, but my ability to cope quickly is. I do see a counselor once a week, provided by his treatment facility for "collateral dependant" but it's not touching the emotional strife I'm feeling.
Well, that's my story. Or at least a chunk of it. I need help.

Hi and welcome to SR x

:welcome

Hey, welcome. Sounds like you're dealing with some tough internal struggles/issues. Are you able to stop drinking? Like, if someone said "you can't have a drink for a week", could you actually do it? Can you try for just one day on your own to have ZERO drinks?

Well.. I was a drunk, and an opiate junky.. and lots of other things too. It's possible to recover, welcome!

Alcoholic or not all these are very cogent reasons to stop drinking I think :)
There is life after drinking - and it's pretty dran good - it's way better than the life I used to have living from drink to drink.

change really is possible. Read some more stories.
We do recover :)

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here inthethroes :)
Welcome!
D
D

Sombrero: I am struggling now more than I have before. To answer your question, I often will make a deal with myself that "I won't drink at all this week", and 9 times out of 10 I won't make it. On the flip side of that, sometimes I will go a week or longer (not MUCH longer) without even a drop without even intending to. Today, for instance, I have no desire whatsoever to drink. Maybe it's because of the hangover as I'm not much of a "hair of the dog" kind of person. I really need to do some soul searching.
Smacked: I know all about recovering, having had a drug problem in my "past life". Somehow my idea of recovering from addiction doesn't include alcohol. Maybe I'm delusional, maybe I'm not.
Dee: Very good point indeed. I want to figure out who I am now. Who I want to be. I'm scared of wasting more time. I'm scared of waking up in another two years and being in the EXACT SAME PLACE I'm in now, where I've been for several years now. Something's definitely gotta give. I'm so tired of being little girl lost. Support and understanding are exactly what I'm seeking.

Also, my own experience with addiction and recovery is something I've been keeping close in mind in dealing with the guy's own process. I've been much more tolerant with his relapses, lies, theft, and all over horrible behavior than I probably should have been because I KNOW how hard it is. Unfortunately I have sacrificed SELF in doing so. I have problems with depression and stuff, and am more than likely co-dependent (whatever that may mean) and have gotten into such a horrible mental place that I literally cannot find a way up for air.

Thanks for visiting inthethroes. There are lots of people here that understand where you are coming from and all are here to support you.

Stay strong and visit often.