New here...on day #5
 

Hi,

I've been reading this forum on and off for months looking for inspiration and ease knowing there are others that are like me. I have had this battle inside me of constant guilt, shame, hate, anger, frustration, confusion, fear...the list goes on and I know all of these feelings come down to one thing and that's my drinking. I've been drinking since I turned 21 (now 39), at first it was social and out with my friends and as the years went by it's gotten worse. Only taking a day or two off, waking up EVERY weekend feeling awful and irritable because I had just too much. I can't do it anymore. That, and what kind of example am I setting for my kids...a horrible way of life. And, I'm not the kind of Mom I dreamed of being. It took me 6 years to get pregnant with my first son and it was the most important thing to me, to become a Mom and here I am, wasting away every day I have with them. Not anymore!

I keep saying, no more - not another drink. I know that possibility of never touching another drink is very slim. My husband is a heavy drinker and all of our friends are...every social situation contains alcohol. Right now, I'm avoiding friends to stay away from the trigger, but here we are going into a 3-day weekend, plans are being made and I know my husband will be drinking - even if we aren't with friends. It's going to be hard. I've told him I'm done, I don't want to do it anymore and his response was "why don't we do this, we will take Mon-Thurs off and only drink three days out of the week". Well, that doesn't work for me because when I drink I get DRUNK and I don't want to get drunk anymore...I don't want to wake up feeling like sh*t anymore. I don't want my kids to see me drinking anymore. I don't want to have a foggy head anymore. Again, the list goes on.

So, here I am, day #5 and doing the best I can...there is a bottle of vodka and tequila in my cabinet and beer in my fridge. If it wasn't for my husband, I'd pour them out - but he lives here too and he's not quitting so I have to muster up all the inner-strength I have to not pour myself a drink.

I just need to keep reminding myself that all of the problems I have that have yet to be solved all come down to the all-mighty drink and that nothing will get better until I tame the beast. And that my boys deserve a better life, a life with a sober and caring Mommy, a future that's bright and shining.

Off for a run hoping the anxiety that's building up right now will melt away with the sweat that I produce. :-)

Christy

It sounds like you're motivated to make this work. Is it possible for you to be in another part of the house when your husband is drinking, at least until you feel more comfortable?

Thank you, Anna. I am motivated, just hope that motivation continues to pull me through. I just talked to my Mom about my revelation and the extent I was drinking...she knew I was drinking but didn't know it was a problem. She's concerned because alcoholism is a problem in our family but very supportive and happy to hear my eyes are open to it.

It will be difficult to go to another part of the house while he's drinking, but I will try. He will be angry I don't want to be with him "it's our weekend", "you don't want to be with me", "you should just have a drink" and as he drinks his frustration and anger will escalate and a problem will for sure be there. I have to do this for me and my kids...he can't be a factor any longer. I hate to say that, but it's what it has to be.

You are making an excellent choice NewLife. My lack of involvement with my kids and wife was the final straw that got me to realize i needed to stop drinking too. It will certainly be a lot of work and a difficult transition, but it will be more than worth it. My wife drinks occasinally but was fully supportive of my quitting, so I can't say I shared the same concerns you will face with your husband. It will take time but hopefully you can convince him of the importance of you not drinking...and that's all you can hope for as he would need to deal with his on his own.

Best of luck and please stay with us here at SR. Read lots and ask lots of questions.

It's hard to not have a supportive spouse when getting sober, but maybe when he sees your sobriety will not affect his choice to drink he will not mind as much. Just for the record though, non-alcoholics and/or sober folks will accept you whether you drink with them or not - only us drunks have the fear that we are boring etc. if not drunk.
Having booze in the house is bad for you though - you need help ASAP, or you will drink. It seems you have already admitted your powerlessness over alcohol and that your life has become unmanageable - which is step 1 - you're on the way! :) If you can parlay that admission into action you have a chance to stay sober today. Find an AA meeting and stay for the whole thing. Find a woman there who you can talk to and just tell her what you are dealing with. If your spouse is an alcoholic he may work against you, fearing his addiction is in jeopardy, but he'll get over that. Do it for YOU, then you can be the mom you want to be. Find a meeting! God bless.

HI it is possible to stay sober when your spouse drinks heavily .... very difficult BUT possible.

Always have a suply of yummy non-alcoholical drinks (juice , softt drink , herbal tea etc).

Establish a support network and lean on it .... your Mum , AA, SR, SR chat,sober friends.

You will need to come up with strategies for social events ... theones you use will depend on the social setting ... I rarely leave the house without by travelling tea mug ... and always take my own soft drinks when i go somewhere.

It is very hard having alcohol in the house ... I had to make sure it ws not in my direct vision .. I moved it to a different bench .. I know it is there .. but I see it less.

The time i now spend wiith my kids is quality time .. a lot more relaxing then it used to be.. I can now drive them to functions whenever they are on .. not depending on if I have been drinking or not.

I t can be done.
Good luck

Hi NewLife! I agree with LSC. You can do it!! Will it be easy? No.
I have a roommate who is a heavy drinker so we have booze around the house all the time.
She is also my only good friend I can talk to...
It's not easy to stay home and be sober when she goes out and comes back with all the fun stories about our old drinking crowd. And it wasn't easy to tell her that I won't be going out anymore.

But I stopped. I told her the truth and she understood. Is our relationship different now? Totally. She really surprised me...once she saw how I'm feeling better sober and getting more healthy, I "accidently" movitated her too...She is now drinking less and spending more time with me doing sober things :o)

I'm hoping that you stick with us and get yourself better. And I really hope that your husband will support you and realize that there are more awesome things to do together than getting drunk.

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best!

Welcome good job on 5 days! Come join our moms club it's a thread in Newcombers!!! We all know what you are going through. It must be a truffle to have alcohol in the house. I've made it to 45 days but not sure I could with a stacked bar and drinking buddy at my dispisal

Hi and welcome Christy

I think that possibility is only slim if you make no changes.

If you're committed to not drinking, and prepared to make changes to back rthat commitment up - you're already half way there :)

If 'forever' seems absurd, just do what I did - take it day by day :)

you'll find a ton of support here :)

D