Amalthea

Hello everyone. I have been taking pills for a couple years now. At first whatever I could get my hands on. Then I got a steady supply of tramadol and have been taking it daily for seven months. I went cold turkey last week for a week and it was miserable. When the physical symptoms subsided, I found the mental urges unbearable. I had no idea what to do with myself. Everyone told me to do this and that but all i could do was sit in a chair smoke cigarettes and think about how much i wanted a pill. So I cracked and gave in. I cant move. Some how i go to work, pay bills, feed the dogs but that is all. I cant clean, groom myself, go to the store, Im frozen. When I take the pills I can sit in my chair for hours, and it feels good. Without them it feels awful. Just go do something, anything everyone tells me...Well i just can't! I just wanna sit!
Im scared. I dont think im strong enough. Ive been in therapy for years, I've been on antidepressants since i was 15. Everything is a struggle for me. I took drugs in high school and college, but just recreationally. Towards the end of my bad marriage i started taking them more often. Then when it was finally over I was so excited, I thought things would change for me. But I still couldn't move, nothing was happening. Then at first the tramadol made me feel so good. I didnt cry, sitting for hours felt amazing. All day at work I would smile knowing when I got home i could take my pills and sit. Then I started feeling like **** at work, hungover from the pills I suspected. So I started taking one before work, to take the edge off. But then I wasnt getting as high at night so I upped my dose. I couldnt get high enough anymore. I only allow myself a certain amount of pills a day cause im afraid of overdosing. Tramadol mixed wiht my antidepressants can cause seizures and I live alone. So I throw a xanax into the mix and lots of pot. So after my week detox i have been able to cut out my morning pill...but the nights are unbearable. Im only taking 2 a night plus pot right now but I know soon the hight wont be good enough anymore and I'll have to increase. I feel like the biggest loser. Here I am struggling with a handful of pills drug addiction, nothing compared to what some people do. But they have a hold on me, I must just be that weak. I also think they interact with my lexapro and my depression is intensifiying. I have a two week vacation coming up from work starting monday. I was so excited, I havent had anytime off since the divorce. Now Im just scared. I hate being at work its such a struggle. But what am I gonna do for two weeks? There is so much I could do, but all I wanna do is sit. I have a list of projects that could fill my time for a year. But I cant move. Please someone help me.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. So sorry to read of your struggles.

Quitting is just the first step. We addicts have to learn to cope with life without drugs. In your case pills. You might find support and help in your recovery in the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. Just a suggestion. I know how difficult addiction is to battle alone.

SNST

Welcome Amalthea, first let me say I can totally relate to what your saying an going through. Second, you are in the right place if you want to get this demon out of your life! If i were you I would take the 2 weeks off to get my life back! Get off of the pills, clean up an get back out there sober. Its hard but you can do it, I thought there was no such thing as life without pills, I was more energetic, more fun, more popular etc....Thats not true! That was the drugs lying to me, I kept myself numb so I wouldnt feel anything, no emotions, nothing really mattered when I was high. I could & would do more pills than anyone I know when I could get them an thats saying a lot because I know a lot of addicts! So if I can do it YOU can do it! Its not easy by no means, but its so worth it in the end. Good Luck

Amalthea

Thats what I want to do for my two weeks, but I'm scared I won't. I dont know what to do. When I feel the tiniest bit of pain i run to pills for help. Im scared to feel the pain of the transition.

SNST

Ive felt the same way, but believe it or not, after awhile off the pain pills your pain does get better! I have days that my back hurts so bad I can cry, but I think back to when I was using pills and even though my pain was gone while I was high Ive realized it was worse after I would come down than it normally was. Im at 21 days now & honestly the pain isnt near as bad as I thought it was when I was using. Kind of sounds crazy but its true, you can beat this! I didnt think I would ever make it this far, but just stay strong & take some OTC pain meds you will be fine I promise