LindaIam

I have been sober for 10 days. I have been "sober" lots of times before. Days, weeks, and even months. The past 6 months I have drank almost everyday. I am not a heavy drinker, but when I drink, I do it consistently. I'll get a 1.75 liter bottle of 80 proof whiskey and drink about 4 ounces (with a bottle of coke) most everyday till it's gone. It lasts from 2 weeks to a month. Doesn't sound like much, does it? I like to start my morning out with a drink. I usually don't drink anymore for the rest of the day, but sometimes I do......maybe 4 more ounces in the evening.

I started drinking when I was around 30. I was also taking anti depressants for about 15 years, and I know that messed with my mind as well and they don't work for me anyway. I still take 150 mg Trazadone for sleep every night. Wish I could get off that, b/c I know that has had a bad effect and maybe I won't be "right" until I get off it completely as well, but I'd never sleep! I've tried all the natural stuff and it don't work.

I'm 53 now. I never thought I was an alcoholic, but thought that if I didn't stop drinking I could become one. I drank regularly for months and then I'd stop for weeks or months. There has never been a real pattern, I don't guess. All I know is that I have drank enough to damage my mind and body and I am soooo ready to stop!!! I am tired all the time. I am depressed and always have been, even b4 I started drinking. I hope and pray that there is some "normal" for me, that doesn't include drinking to numb the pain and that I can have a life w/o daily depression and sadness!! I also have PTSD. There is alot of depression, addiction, and even some suicide on both my mothers and fathers side of the family.

The thought of never having a drink again terrifies me b/c of my emotions!! I guess this is the first time that I have really realized what it has done to me and made up my mind that I can never drink again, b/c if I continue it's only gonna get worse and I'm gonna drink more and more and never stop!! OR can I? It's no longer a matter of I could "BECOME an alcoholic", but that I must be!! OR AM I?? Sure all the times I finished my bottle and just didn't go back and get more right away was one thing! Or just being somewhat content or hopeful and not wanting it was one thing, but when you are wanting it soooo badly and don't see much hope anyway, but knowing that you are killing yourself and destroying your mind, is another thing! And I say I CAN'T ever drink again, but truth is I CAN and I want to sooooo darn bad right now!! And I would feel soooooooooo much better/numb....................for the moment or the week or until that bottle is gone and I decide if it's worth it or not! OR I could just go eat a pound of candy!! I've been trying to eat better and I haven't had hardly any sweets either! I know that sugar is poison too. If I just stop one addition and increase another addition, what's the point!
It's crazy! I'm trying to wrap my mind around all this! Trying to figure out if I'm an alcoholic or not! Or does it even matter!! The fact is I KNOW it is poison and harming my body and mind.

I've just started reading about PAW and guess I have that to deal with for some time before I feel good.............can't say "again" b/c I can't even remember when I actually felt good in decades. With depression, sometimes I wonder, does it really matter if you stop drinking or not, if I'm still gonna be depressed......maybe even more so!! The tears have really started flowing now since I'm not using the alcohol to numb them and I guess b/c of stopping the drinking.

AND now, while waiting for my email to confirm my registration, I'm reading a post about "dry drunks" and still being miserable after you stop drinking..............I hope all this makes some kind of sense, b/c I know I've just rambled on and I feel so scatterbrained anyway! I feel so alone and don't have anyone to talk to about this.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Linda

I reckon make it easy - forget about whether you're an alcoholic or not for now - if your drinking is causing you problems then you need to do something about it.

The thought of never having a drink terrified me too Linda - but you just take things a day at a time - all any of us can do is stay sober today - yesterdays gone and tomorrows not here yet

Don't worry about PAWs either - not everyone gets it. and those that do have widely varying experiences. I had a day or two or weirdness here and there - that was it

glad you've found us - there's a lot of support here

D

least

to the family! You're not alone anymore. You can vent here and get support as you travel the sober journey.

I wish you the best in getting sober. I thought I was a hopeless case but I quit successfully and haven't had a drink in over three years, so if I can do it, so can you.

ElegantlyWasted

Welcome Lindaur! Congrats on 10 days! Our thoughts get a little out of wack early on when we go without something we're very used to. As Dee said you mileage will vary re: PAWS stuff. Just try to listen to your body as well as your mind and give them what they need to get better. Again.. Welcome; a lot of really good people here.

Anna

Welcome!

Please know that most of us feel just like you do when faced with not drinking. It is a very scary thought and almost overwhelming. Try to keep things focused on each day and get through that. Congratulations on 10 days sober!

As Dee said, no need to expect Paws. I never had any of that to deal with either.

You will likely find that your moods will even out and you'll feel better soon.

LindaIam

Thank you guys for listening and responding! Knowing I can count on ya'll for support really helps! I was on chat last night and it helped alot. I cried all day yesterday more than I have in a long time. Today has been a good day. I have worked hard and kept my mind off stuff and besides this morning when I woke up, I haven't wanted anything to drink. I have started taking vitamins and eating healthier, so hopefully that will make things go smoother.

Tammy47

Welcome Linda. I'm 3 months sober. I have suffered depression most of my life. I progressed into heavy drinking in my 40s. Now that I've stopped drinking the depression has lifted, completely! I still have off days, which is probably natural, but that dark cloud has completely gone. With that gone, I am happy to live life and have joined new clubs, new hobbies etc. I know we all react differently, but I just want to share with you, my experience and hope this gives you hope. I wish the same for you. Best wishes.

LindaIam

Thank you Tammy! It does give me a little hope. I've had 2 "good" days. And now today I woke up early (as usual) and I'm feeling emotional-crying and thinking about "needing" a drink to numb the sad, lonely, depressed emotions, but I know I can make it through this day w/o it. I'm starting to learn and put into action that 1 day at a time is all I have to do. I'm not so afraid of the thought of never drinking again. Maybe one day I can be excited about the thought of never drinking again.

2granddaughters

Linda, have you attended AA meetings in your area ??

All the best.

Bob R

LindaIam

No Bob, I haven't. I know everyone would say I should..........or at least go to one. I guess I think I can do it on my own or that it's not that bad or...........

I'm a person that doesn't like to ask for help for anything and would rather do everything on my own. When I do ask for help, I hate it most of the time b/c it's usually thrown back in my face or it seems to be done grudgingly. My experience is that people just let you down!

I am a single mom of a teenage girl and it's hard (also have 3 grown children). I own my house and that's esp hard b/c of all the upkeep and repairs and not having the money to pay for it. I kinda have to "beg" family & "friends" to help. I do all that I can do, but some things I just can't do. I will try though even if I make a mess of it or practically hurt myself in the process!

So I guess that's part of the reason it's hard to reach out for help.