Sazzle

I'm having a bit of a tough time these last few weeks. I'm starting to question if l'll ever be able to date sober or if anyone will want to date a sober chick. Some (male) friends made a few comments which sent my head into a spin. I know I'm fun and sociable without alcohol, as nearly 7 months has proven but why do some people have such a problem with the fact I don't want to drink again & prefer my life this way.

Sorry for the pity party. Any words of wisdom out there?

S x

kittycat3

I feel your pain, I am single and agree that navigating the single life sober is interesting.
Yes you will find guys that have a problem with your sobriety. I always think those kinds of people probably have problems themselves! But it should also be a concern to you- do you want to date someone who has to have alcohol to have fun? That
Sounds pretty miserable to me. Let those ones go, gladly!!'

instant

If the guy needs alcohol, I suggest a wide berth. I dont think it is a unique issue however there would be many people who choose to restrict their choice of mate due to values or beliefs.

Sazzle

Thanks Kitty. I know you're right. And I suspect those who take issue have issues themselves. It's just hard to answer those 'not even to toast at a wedding?' kind of questions. I would like to meet someone who isn't fazed by my non drinking.

Don't know where this worry has just come from as I'm not even ready to date yet! It might look differently in a few more months.

Thanks for feeling my pain. That helps.

S x

Sazzle

Thanks instant. The friends in question drink once in a blue moon themselves. That's why it bothered me. There seems to be a distinct difference of opinion over someone who has a drink once a year and someone who never drinks.

I'm not meaning to put any newbies off here. My life has drastically improved so much that I can feel happy about dating again for the first time in ages. Perhaps I'm sabotaging myself!

S x

brianbeer

I understand how you feel, Ive been there and I actually met a girl sober for the first time ever, brought her on a first date sober and had the closest relationship in my life with her, previous to that I never imagined it possible for me to meet anyone without being loaded with drink, now she was also sober and was in AA, I didnt know this at the time.

All said the relationship has now broke up and Im gutted, most of the reason we broke up is because of both of us thinking we could have that odd drink which turned into more alcohol and resentments etc.

Here I am back to square one, I hope this helps

Sazzle

Thanks Brainbeer. That really helps. It's encouraging to read that you had the deepest relationship whilst sober.

S x

bigsombrero

I've had the same internal struggle. Where do I meet people? Should I just stand on the corner with a sign on my neck? "Single male. Good Working Condition. Do Not Feed Alcohol". I've declined a couple happy hour invites recently, not going there. The cafe has gotta be the place, I suppose, but people are usually working or running in-and-out. I could sign up for a pilates/yoga class -- but only out of pure desperation and despair, as I dread my first day in yoga as much as I dreaded my first day in treatment!

But sometimes I step back. Sure, I am ready for new challenges....but a full-on relationship? No way. I'd like to go on a few dates etc, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm not looking for anything serious. I am just after the challenge - I want to prove that "I'm back in the game" and that I can do this.

Maybe we should challenge ourselves in different ways? Most of the time, we find people when we don't look to hard. What's so bad about just staying the course...I'm pretty sure you'll stumble across someone special while staying on your own road. I understand and feel your pain though!!! Good work on the Sober 7 Months.

Sazzle

Nice one BigSombrero. That really cheered me up. I've been speed dating and enjoyed that but I think you're right about proving to myself. I need to chill! I'll get a sign made up, I like that!

S x

ScottFromWI

To me the whole relationship/dating thing is just like every other thing we did before and after quitting - we can't fathom how it might be possible without alcohol. But in reality I think most people meet dates/partners in non-drinking situations. We just tend to think that you can only meet someone at a bar, party, or any other alcohol related situation because we were constantly drinking.

Anyone who has a problem with you NOT drinking is not a friend. I know that sounds harsh, but your sobriety is part of the fabric of our lives. It would be no different than someone having a "problem" with your choice of religion, or even your race. You are doing just fine, magnificent for that matter with your sobriety. Good things will happen in time...just be patient.

mecanix

I think i'd turn it on it's head . Who would want to date me when i'm a drunk alcoholic ? as opposed to a sober one .

Bestwishes, M

Sazzle

Thanks ScottfromWI. Your explanation means a lot to me

Mechanix, I like that way of thinking.

Thanks guys. You rock

S x

PaperDolls

Lots of people want to date sober chicks. I speak from experience.

Quit seeking it out .... it will happen when it's time. Just keep focusing on you.
The more healthy you are, the more desirable you are.

Hugs.

Dee74

I can't really add to the advice here Saz.

The way I see it, I'm a non drinker - I've seen me drunk and I've seen me in recovery and the now me is definitely the only way to go.

if anyone - be they friend or potential love interest - should have a problem with that, especially if they know even just a little of my story, then they're probably not 'right' for me to be around.

D

Spinach

It's not a problem unless they fear you'll start again! It's a lot easier dating someone who doesn't drink as you get more time to find out who they are. If it challenges there drinking perhaps not the best company for you. As my wife now says "just add alcohol to find your inner *******."
Toast the bride more like trash the party.
John.

AllieB

Lol. I've always wondered why more single straight guys didn't take yoga classes (I mean, you meet a ton of women all of whom are interested in being or getting fit, and you have something to talk to them about), but I guess there's my answer. Yoga is just darned unappealing.

Sazzle: I think many people had great advice about considering whether you'd want to be with someone who did have a problem with teetotaling.

That said, I'm also not ready to date yet, but I too dislike the prospect of explaining that I don't drink. Because, until I have a long period of sobriety under my belt, a potential partner would be right to wonder whether I was going to stay sober, and whether my bout with alcoholism was a sign that my emotional house wasn't in order. I would wonder the same thing about a guy I was on a date with if he hadn't been sober long. To the extent that I worry about a future dating life, I just remind myself that when I am happy and stable and trustworthy, the right person would/will be able to tell that I'm happy and stable and trustworthy.

(I suspect that what people are reacting to is not the teetotalism itself, but rather the potential reasons for it. Absolutely zero alcohol usually means either (a) hard-core religious, or (b) health issues, or (c) history of alcoholism. I get why some people can be skittish about those possibilities.


Hope that wasn't too far from the central question, I basically just wanted to say, "I hear you, sistah."

DisplacedGRITS

Personally, i wouldn't want to date someone who wasn't okay with my sobriety. My best advice is for you to be real casual about the fact that you don't drink. I mean, who wants to go to a bar for a date? If drinking is such an important part of a guy's life are you really missing out on him? I think not! Don't sweat it too much. I wouldn't swear off guys that drink occasionally and responsibily. Just avoid the ones who need liquor in their life and dates. A guy that needs alcohol and needs his date to drink is kinda sad. You're better off without them!

Sazzle

This! You've exposed my real fear. I'm quite casual about my non drinking. I don't want to go into the whys with acquaintances and perhaps that's why my male friends were surprised I'd quit, quit for good. They aren't heavy boozers and, as DisplacedGrits says, I'd steer we'll clear of problem/heavy drinkers.

Most of my female friends don't bat an eye at me not drinking and don't routinely bring it up like my male friends do. Perhaps they are in awe of my awesomeness!!

I suspect I'm over thinking this one and as ScottfromWI says it will just happen when it's meant to.

Thanks for the feedback, it's just what I needed

S x

Spinach

I guess if it's the first,or only thing they know about you then unless your really unlucky they'll sensible move on, but from your posting here I can only imagine you have quite a lot more to you than some past drinking issue and although we know that's no small problem most other people don't see the train crash we left feel we behind.
It'll soon be summer just add sun the rest is biology.
Apart from this query how much more inner confidence and peace do you have now than a year ago.
Love John.

Threshold

I think that many of us, when we get sober, have funnel vision. yes FUNNEL.

All we see if our life getting smaller, more constricted and limited ahead of us, all the things we can't do, all the challenges. It's hard at first to see sobriety as freedom and having more options, not fewer options. Different options, not worse options.

I mean...do the best men only hang out at bars and have fun in situation that allow a lot of drinking?

People who are vegan, have celiacs (and cannot eat anything with gluten), are diabetic, have severe food allergies...still manage to find and maintain happy relationships. What we ingest doesn't have to define us.

I hate kissing. That seems like a pretty big obstacle to finding a boyfriend. Yet...I have had relationships. I didn't toast with champagne at my son's wedding, and it made no difference to me or anyone else...in reality. The psychology/mourning phase is real. I realize that it's my expectations I am struggling with, not the reality of the situation.