Crisis of confidence

Old 05-23-2013, 07:29 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Joe Nerv's Avatar
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I agree with everything I've read in this thread thus far and have something to add. 7 months sober, while a huge accomplishment (something that was virtually impossible during my drinking), is still a relatively short time sober. I believe as we become more settled in our own sobriety, we begin to attract different things, including people, into our lives. I'm completely comofortable with my not drinking, and others opinions about it mean less than nothing to me. I usually just tell people I don't drink, and my conviction and comfort with it is so settled that it rarely gets questioned. If it does, just stating that drinking gets me into trouble usually shuts the people up. "I just don't", or "don't want to" works just as well. If someone has any issue with that, well... I wouldn't care if they weren't in my life, and if I DID care, I'd explain and if they still didn't get it, then they certainly don't belong in my life.

By the same token I believe we create what we believe. If someone thinks all men or all women are liars, I believe they will attract liars. That's been my experience anyhow. Wasn't until I started believing there were trust worthy, loving, caring women avaialable for relationships that I started meeting them. There are ABSOLUTELY TONS OF PEOPLE out there that would be thrilled to be with a person who doesn't drink. But we're not going to find that if we're not believing it, we'll scare them away if we do, and they're probably not going to present themselves if we're still living the same lifestyle we were when we were drinking. I doubt those people can be found in bars.

I'm sober almost 29 years. I've had about 6 relationships in that time that lasted over a year, and probably more than 20 that lasted a few dates to a few months. Of all of them I think maybe 2 or 3 were people who got drunk from time to time. All the rest, alcohol wasn't a thought or issue. They had no problem not drinking, and most of them were respectful enough to even ask if it bothered if they did. Which it didn't, but they often chose not to drink anyhow.

Last thing I'll say is something I just remembered that I think had a subconscious effect on me in early sobriety. Went to an AA meeting one time and the meeting was closed. I was with another freind, and there was this strange, yet incredibly enthusiastic young dude who also showed up for the meeting. We hung out and had our own little 3 person meeting. He kept going on and on and on about how much of a commodity he felt he now was, in the dating world. He was pretty funny, but what he was saying was true. "I have a job! I go to work every day! I'm responsible! I don't get drunk and do stupid sheeit!!!! I'm not ever hungover on the wekends!!!! I'm a commodity!!! Do you know how much I'm frikken worth in the dating world!!!!". Anyhow, don't remember exactly what this guy said, but it was funny at the time, and his message stuck on some level. Never saw the guy again, so I don't know how much of a commodity he remained, but my wife and partner for 17 years feels I'm very much a commodity.

Hang in there. You're worth a whole lot more without a drink in your hand, than with. You are absolutely a commodity.
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Old 05-23-2013, 07:39 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Great to see a post from you Sazzle as hadn't seen you pop up in awhile and was hoping you were doing well...and you are! I was glad that you started this thread and I've enjoyed reading the responses. As I'm in a relationship with someone who isn't sober and I became is challenging. The reality is that I've changed....a lot...since becoming sober. I appreciate having someone to go out to dinner with or to do things with once in awhile but I'm glad that we aren't living together and that we don't see each other all that often. I still have a lot of work to do on myself. Great job on 7 months!
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Old 05-23-2013, 02:50 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Thanks John. I've grown so much and I know I'm a better person since quitting. Inner peace & confidence is a million times better, but every now and then I question my dateability. Which is crazy I suppose as, if I didn't have a past drinking problem, there would be something else to fixate on.

Threshold, I love what you say. It's made me feel so much better. We are NOT defined by what we do or do not ingest.

Ahhh JoeNerv I love that! A commodity. I'm never going to forget that and I'm going to use it with abandon. If I was a computer, I'd never crash and lose data

Hey soberclover. Yes I'm still here. Daily in fact. I read lots, post when I think I can offer some help or understanding but I haven't started a thread in ages. I'm so glad I stated this as I've got some great insight and strength and I'm feeling much better. I realise I'm still new to this but it's good to talk!

Thanks everyone for your input. It's really appreciated.

S x
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