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Almost drank and scared.

Old 05-18-2013, 10:14 AM
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Almost drank and scared.

Im scared because I almost drank last night. Hubby had a 12 pack of "our beer" in the fridge, and I didnt want any, but I wanted wine. I justified it many ways. "im healed now" "im stressed, wine is OK" "whats wrong with wine anyway" I was this close to running and getting a bottle. At that moment I truly believed it would be OK to drink a bottle of wine. Oh, but only if it was a "light" wine. LIke 10% alcohol.
Its funny I still thought it was fine when my thinking was going " Ill have to get a low alcohol wine so I dont get hungover, because I know I will have to drink the whole bottle, because I cant have one glass"
I mean cmon really??
I dont know exactly what stopped me.
I just didnt go get it. And now looking back, I can see how...blinded? I was!!
Still!?! Still!!? This thing still has me?? C'mon.
And Im scared....because that whole episode crept up on me so sneaky.
Ugh.
And then this conversation I listened to about this "summer special leinenkugels beer" that has summer shandy,etc. and with a lime in it...yum.
And I am angry because its not fair.

I want to drink like a normal person, and i cant.
Its like being pregnant and not being able to drink, but at least there is that just around the corner knowledge I can drink soon.
But not now.
Ugh.
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:21 AM
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I so feel you but sticking to it. Great job on staying away! Hard work paying off
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:23 AM
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It is great that you ultimately decided against going and buying the wine but I think this is a sign that it is time to really concentrate on your recovery. Do you go to counseling or meetings? Also, it might be a good idea to make a plan about what you are going to do if this happens again. Is there someone you can call when you get such a strong craving? I would prob. have a short list of people to call in case the first couple don't pick up.

It is crazy how our minds rationalize things and when we look back on it we are just so bewildered. Like when you said you thought "Ill have to get a low alcohol wine so I dont get hungover, because I know I will have to drink the whole bottle, because I cant have one glass". It is good that you are able to identify that thinking afterwards and understand that that kind of thinking is problematic and leads to a bad place. At one time all of us have been so deep in our addictions that we wouldn't have seen anything wrong with that thinking.

Keep moving forward and working on your recovery. Maybe it is time to find a new hobby that you can dedicate some time to?
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:27 AM
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Well done on sticking it out. The cravings will reduce over time - hang in there.
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:43 AM
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The more of these times that you are able to walk away and be successful and not drink, [I'm convinced we become stronger. Old habits are hard to break. Maybe reflecting on Step 1 and/or reading some recovery literature on acceptance. You are doing awesome!
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:56 AM
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WOW. And kudos! You fought through it. I can understand your fear. It's SCARY! But from my perspective- you are my hero today!!!
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Old 05-18-2013, 11:05 AM
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Hey you, so glad to see you! I've wondered about you. Good job sticking to it!
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Old 05-18-2013, 11:44 AM
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ArticSA, you are FANTASTIC. Congratulations. I suppose I'm lucky to be alone and not have the temptation of a significant other who drinks to deal with, but its possible that a significant other is out there somewhere for me one day. Don't wish the temptation on you of course, but reading your thread has made me realize just whats coming. Thanks you have a good sober day.
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Old 05-18-2013, 11:50 AM
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Good for you for staying strong Artic! I had a bad day yesterday too and the thoughts of wine crept in, but at the end of the day I knew that drinking is never going to solve anything and it's just not worth it. Stay strong, it will get easier.
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Old 05-18-2013, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by ArcticSA View Post
I dont know exactly what stopped me.
But something stopped you and that's wonderful

I remember there was often that point in the evening where the "decision" was made to drink. The logic I would use to drink would usually be nonsensical if not ridiculous.

It sound like you've realized a great deal about yourself with this episode. Use what you've learned the next time the craving appears.

Hang in there, be strong, don't give up!
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Old 05-18-2013, 12:58 PM
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I understand your husband drinks, but does he have a beer fridge in the garage or something?

Get it out of the house.
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Old 05-18-2013, 04:02 PM
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The really good thing is - you didn't cave - you talked it out and you stayed strong.
Congratulations Arctic

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Old 05-18-2013, 04:11 PM
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I agree with bigsombrero. From the way you wrote your post it sounds like the beer in the fridge is what got this pattern of thinking started in your head.

Perhaps respectfully ask your husband to keep it away from you, at least while you are in early recovery.

Do you have a dog? Explain to him that it's like leaving a steak sitting out on the edge of the table. As much as the dog knows he should not eat it and the trouble he will get in, if he is left alone the steak being there eventually becomes too much to handle.
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Old 05-19-2013, 06:42 AM
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Thanks everyone, I am always surprised how nice it is to hear from other people in my same situation. On that note, Maylie, no, I have no support group and noone to call. I also have no new hobby.
Originally Posted by CharlieNoogan View Post
I agree with bigsombrero. From the way you wrote your post it sounds like the beer in the fridge is what got this pattern of thinking started in your head.

Perhaps respectfully ask your husband to keep it away from you, at least while you are in early recovery.

Do you have a dog? Explain to him that it's like leaving a steak sitting out on the edge of the table. As much as the dog knows he should not eat it and the trouble he will get in, if he is left alone the steak being there eventually becomes too much to handle.
As for that issue....you are absolutely right. The beer in the fridge is what got the thinking started. And that almost embarrasses me because I felt so strong and proud for not letting it get to me. I mean there is beer in the fridge every weekend, and it hasnt bothered me yet.
I just dont want to mention it like that. I already have to keep mum about it because I am in the situation where my SO doesnt think I ever had a problem and that I was overreacting. When I told him I was stressing bad and wish I had one of my Klonopin(ive been off of them for awhile) he said "So have a beer! Dont take pills!" I said "I dont want to have A beer! If I have a beer I just want to get DRUNK"
He doesnt get it, non-alcoholics dont get it. And I dont blame him.

Someone said to read over Step1. Ill admit I never even read the steps...but I will check them out.
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Old 05-20-2013, 01:06 PM
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Originally Posted by ArcticSA View Post
Someone said to read over Step1. Ill admit I never even read the steps...but I will check them out.
What I've found throughout my recovery process, is that the steps alone do not have much meaning. They are basically summaries of what you should do but lack all of the content that explains HOW to do them. It's like the Constitution in a way; a short document that outlines the basic precepts but is "interpreted" by thousands, possibly millions, of pages of case law issued by the Supreme Court.

To shed some light on the steps, I recommend reading Chapter 5 "How It Works" of the Alcoholics Anonymous big book, pages 58-71 of the fourth edition. Ultimately a sponsor is the person who makes the steps come alive in your recovery.

Big Book Online Fourth Edition

There is much more about the individual steps in the 12 x 12 book, but this is a good place to start.
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Old 05-20-2013, 03:47 PM
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Well - you got through that! It was great to hear you made it through that test.

I've had some close calls too. For me, when I think about what the repercussions would be - hungover, maybe start drinking again - I slows me down.

Then I start to think WHY? Why would a drink make this better? I've already done everything sober that I did drunk - at least the things I want to do. And they were usually better when sober.

And being "normal"? I don't want to be normal. Normal is boring. I'd rather be special.

Congrats on your time so far and getting past this temptation.
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