Novemberphoenix

I am writing this because I won't remember well tomorrow. That's how it is when with me when something like this happens. Kind of a miracle I got home in one piece tonight in a twisted sort of way. My sister began being verbally abusive with me tonight and I decided to leave because there was no talking to her. She is a rageaholic. The things she sai d to me, so hurtful so horribel I can hardly think. How does someone say such vile vicious things i can barely think i telling me that everone in my family thinks i'm a loser taht i'm a burden on everyone and that i turned my fathers life upsidedonwn adn she wishe d i swas dead. She got up in my face to reiterate her point and for a splti second i wanted to hit her and i just turneda away and said i wa s leaving and she shoved me hard and before i knwe what i was doing i clocked her upsid ethe head, screaming at her not to touch eme. I've never been able to defend myself well because i was afraind of my own anger tthat unleashed I could really hurt someone and she just cant' see it she wanted to instigate something and i let her. hEr husbeand had to hold her off because she went crazy adn i got my stuff and went out teh door before i totally lost control. She got past him and attacked me outside ripped my bag out of my hands and screamed names at me and when she tried to hit me i clocked her in the head again this time a littl e more concious of trying to defendn my self i felt the killer in stinct rise up in me and wanted to ge the hell oout of there but she blocked my drivers side door screaming again and her hsuband kept tryint to get her off the car. I got inn the passengers side and she pulled the back door open and came at me again. I somehow managed to get the car started and drove the hell out of the re, couldn't stop crying all the way home, sometimes couldn't see the road. The last coherent words i said to her was that she was dead to me. All teh way home all i could think about was how there was no one to go to. Her words effectively cut me off from teh rest of my family because i know how they see me she confirmed it. I thought abotu just taking the bottle of sleeping pills i hav e upstairs and just ending it. I want to get out of here and forget I ever existed, become someone else adn just disappear. I think that when i do finally get away from here I'll not ever be back. All of my life my family has let me know in no uncertain terms that I am not what they wanted, I am not who tehy hwanted adn i have fought toe retain some measure of control of my own life and that was seen as being nonconformist and that i made mistake after mistake and ultimatekly am a failure. Eeven my daughter thinks i'm a failure, no one watns to end up like me - not functional and a loser nad a taker too apparently.

When i got home i wanted to wake my father seeking comfort but i didint' cause i know who my father is and he hasnt' ever stood up for me, he could as easily fly in a rage himself because he can't deal. So i won't wake him i dont' think i could handle being let donw again. I fell apart at ehr border crossing when they asked me if i was ok, they were actually kind adn that undid me told them i got some bad news tonight and just wanted to get home and if i got out of the car i just would nt' be able to stop crying so they let me go. The kindness of strangers maybe the best kindness of all, thougjh fleeting it is sincere. I'm so sorry to lay this on you guys but there is no one else, I don't know whta will happen tomorrow, I imagine that teh shiet wiell hit teh fan in a big way = maybe my dad will make m e leave or help me leave i dkont' know anymore. It never ceases to amaze me how though we are love and made of the stuff of love that theer is so little real love in this world so little between those who profess to lveo eache othere. what i sthe point? What isthe point of liveing in this cold dark place. THis life of mine is a failed experiment and I watn it to be done, iwnat it al to stop just stop. Waht i think or feel seems to disturb those areond me, why is it so hard to live adn let live? I wnat spirit to take me back i shouldn't be here, this was a mistake, I am a mistke. My sistertold me she has hated me her whole life and i'll never see my beautiful litlte nephew again, she'll say poisonous things aobut me and that one little being who loved me willeventually revile me, taht beautiful light will eventually be infected with his mothers darkness and rage and it makes me so sad. Who am i to have invoked so much hatred? Why is ti that i seem to inspire others to violence by simply being me? Therea re more people then I care to count who have perpetrateed violence on me and I'm so tired so tired, I dont; know wht to do how to be i feel so ugly and tainted. No one has attacked me in years, i thought the violence the physical violence was done wiht that it wouldn't show up anymore. I was wrong. Thank you all of you very beautiful people for having shown me somuch support int he time I've have visited here - I'll be forever grateful, more than you can ever know. This place and you all have been a ray of light in the dark room of my life. I need to try and sleep now because i have no idea what tomorrow will bring and lord knows I'll need some strength. I love you all.

Marie

best

*HUGE HUG*

Remebering the fights between us as children (11 in my family) When harsh words were spoken, what seems to have been said by the other was what they felt. Your lost to this family. Mom doesn't like you....
Those were the feelings that they felt towards themself from the family.
That went on without drugs or drinking from us. Though my mom was a A, I am sure that the feelings were brought on by that most likely.

It is the illness talking. Yes it still hurts. Sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt me... What a crock as I remember that from my youth. Understanding where the words came from, why they were said did help me deal with the pain they can cause.
The one most in need is the one who was given all the attention. Or was it the one who yelled the loudest? For the others, that could seem like mom or dad didn't care about them.
The illness not me. The illness not my brothers or sisters. The illness not my mom or dad is where the harsh words and pain came from.


Know you are not alone. *HUGE HUG* and a prayer for you Marie

mnj1024

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((marie))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did the right thing by trying to get out of there. We can't choose our family, but we can choose our friends. I'm glad I chose you because I consider you a friend. If your family can't see the wonderful, sweet, kindhearted person I know you are then that's their loss really. You could use this negative experience as an incentive to stay sober, and prove em wrong. be good to yourself marie
mike

Little Missy

(((((Marie)))))

Wow girl, what an experience! All I can say is I love you, and I value your friendship. You are changing your life and I admire that. Some people just can't see the light shining in others. They seem to be blinded by anger and arrogence. You, my dear are a fine human being. I would be honored to have you in my family. Remember, it's none of our business what other people think of us! You hang in there, and know that I am here for you.

Also, opinions are like a$$holes, everybodies got one!! Just because your sister said it, doesn't make it so.

May spirit watch over you and keep you safe!

I love you,
Chelle

ted

HEY MARIE,I DON'T NO WHAT TO SAY,I'M SADDENED BY YOUR GRIEF.
PLEASE KNOW I'M HERE FOR YOU SHOULD YOU NEED I FRIEND.STAY STRONG MARIE, LOVE TED.

namommy

Marie,

I don't know what to say other than you did the right thing by getting out of there. As far as how you feel about yourself, read your own signature lines.

Love ya
Laurie D.

Magichappens

((Marie))
We didn't end up here because we had happy, well adjusted families. My family finds it much easier to blame me and others for their dysfunction. How could I have caused my parents dysfunction? They raised me. How could I have caused my brothers pain? I didn't raise him. But blame me they do. It is easier than the truth: that they are responsible for their own lives. I do understand not wanting to be responsible for the pain and destruction in my own life, so to some extent I can sympathize and forgive. But I have had to detach almost totally. To participate at all is to invite chaos and insanity. I have sought help from my twelve step group (Al-anon), therapy, and I have started a spiritual journey to find a connection that will never betray or reject me. You are no more a mistake than anyone else here. You are just lost and need a life preserver that your family isn't capable of giving you. You must look somewhere else. You have your cyber family here, but there are people near you that can give you a real hug instead of a cyber hug. You can look in their eyes and know they accept you. I hope you find it. It's there if you look in the right place. Be well. Hugs, Magic

PS. Your first signature line is very inspiring to me.

Jhana

Marie, What an awful time, and I can imagine how terrible you must feel this morning. I wish life would spare us this stuff.

I am an only child with no kids, and my parents are dead. Pretty much an orphan. I have been placing a lot weight on a boyfriend saving me from having to change my own life, and I nearly lost that this week by talking to him when I was drunk. He lives in another town, and I convinced him that I had taken a strong pain pill and that is why I was slurring my words. Seemingly, he believed me, but did he? No, I don't think so really, but he is giving me another chance.

What it did make me see is the need to forge a solid life of your own and then relate to others from that place. I don't really want to do the work, and I feel very much alone, but sometimes we have our best growth out of the bad events, such as you had yesterday.

Today is a new day, and I am going to just do the next right thing. I hope.

Hugs to you,
Gianna

Dan

I read the post and I still can't believe it.
I read it again..
(((Marie)))...
I've no words...

Jaguar0425

Dearest Marie,
I am so sorry you had to go through this. Please know that you are important and needed. You reached out to me when I messed up....you had no idea who I was. You only knew that I was suffering.
I have a very messed up family, when drunk they attack just like your sister did. It's happened to me numerous times. It hurts like hell but you can get past this. Identify what you are feeling and put it where it belongs. You are the most important person in your life. Take care of YOU. We need you here.
Hugs,
Lynda

Anna

Marie,

I'm really sorry for all the stuff you went through with your family. It is true that many of us don't find the love and support we need from our families, me included and that we often feel alienated from our families. But, you must believe in yourself and your purpose in being put here on this earth and given this life. We are like family here at SR and I'm very glad that you came here with your sadness.

Love, Anna

amandaleepiscea

you are worth love.

you are worth loving yourself.

you are worth love... you DESERVE love.

You are LOVEABLE... You HAVE love, now give yourself some more... because we are all sending so much your way that you mustbe feeling some little reservoir filling up within you to get you through with the help of the power that you choose to call your higher power... IT REALLY is true that you won't be given more than you can handle... but you have gotten plenty in the last 24... I am glad you gave some of it to us to help you carry and release.

YOU DESERVE LOVE, YOU ARE WORTH IT!
lovelovelove, amanda

In memory of miracle

((((((((((marie))))))) Prayers....Trish.

True Blue

Marie, Hugs & prayers coming your way girl. We are all here for you.

Dan

Hey everyone,
I just had a little chat with Marie.
She's a little shaken, but otherwise O.K.
She read all your posts and asked me to tell you that she's on her way to work and will respond to you later tonight after her shift.
She is touched by all your caring and words of support.
Marie.

Chy

Marie, I am so sorry you had to go through this. Just know we're here for you and we'll listen. Nothing, not even this situation is worth using over. You've done so well. Be strong!

Novemberphoenix

Thank you all so much for being here for me. I'm still feeling shocked disbelief and so much sadness today. I did not use somehow over this and as of midnight tonight I now have 30 days.

My father surprised the hell out me today. When I told him what happened and he started to respond with his usual "you kids" I stopped him by putting my hand on his heart and looked him in the eye and said "dad you have never stood by me when something like this has happened - I did not want to fight with her and I tried to leave and she would not let me - this is not about -you kids- this is about me and what happened last night". I started sobbing and he put his arms around me and for a few seconds I cried on my father's shoulder for the first time that I can remember.

He later told me that it was his choice to help me and that his life was 3/4s lived that I am only 42 and he wants me to choose what is best for me, to look to the future and make my own life. He reminded me that he is very capable of taking care of himself and that my sister has never learned to mind her own business. I was floored. I didn't know what to say. I'm still alittle wary, kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I also have a ray of hope that for the first time my father actually saw me and heard me is really standing by me.

I'm pretty much exhausted now but I did want to let you all know that I am sort of okay, and again to express how grateful I am for your presence in my life.

Marie :ilu

True Blue

Marie, as I am reading your post tears are falling from my eyes. You are blessed to have your fathers shoulder to lean on. Things are going to get a whole lot better. Congratulations on 30 days, you go girl. Keep it up you are a inspiration to me.
Never lose hope Marie. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

fuster

Marie:

The first couple of years after stopping the drugs and alcohol will be filled with over reaction and a lot of internal reflection on things that seem to be bad in your life. There is sometimes over reacting that was there when drugs and alcohol were still in the picture. Remember: recovery is not about "not drinking" or "not using". That is only a symptom of the disease.

True recovery is when you start to repair the old behaviors and try new avenues to handle your personal affairs. The first few years will be a struggle because of your over reaction to your own emotional feelings and because you will be over analyzing what you are doing, and making conclusions along the way that are based on your established ideal self you created over your prior years first growing up as a child and then by the frozen period of development when you drank or used.

In other words, although you may not feel like it, you do deserve to be loved and to love yourself. I hope you have warm bodies in your personal world who you can look to for validation of this concept. Seeing it on a monitor is just not the same as a hug and a smile or some misty eyes. Learn to love yourself first and the rest of your recovery will become easier. It will help break the old habits with family that seem so destructive.

And remember, self care is your mantra, not obsessing about things you cannot control, like other people. Hang in there, sweetheart!

1_day@_a_time

Marie! What an experience. My prayers are with you. CONGRATS on your 30 days! !

When I read what your father said and did, I was not all that surprised.

Marie, he loves you. At times, we wonder how that love is shown. Often it makes no sense.

Your courage is amazing! If you can stay sober through something like this, you can stay sober thru anything.

I have found, it's the most difficult and challenging times that I grow the most from.

We love you, your family loves you.

Keep Coming Back.

Tom