amandaw

Hi everyone. It's 3:30 am here and I'm a mess. I got drunk last night and picked a fight with my husband that my daughter witnessed. She's almost 4. She ended up on my side and she started yelling at him too. I feel like the shittiest person alive. My poor family. It's not fair to them. I'm now in bed with her snuggled against me. Is this my bottom? Could it please be my bottom? It's just so unfair. Why can't I be normal? Why do I do this? Why can't I stop at one and only drink occasionally? I'm a god damned teacher! I'm supposed to be a role model, but I'm a drunk instead. I went to urgent care 2 weeks ago looking for help and they were supposed to send a referral into an addiction specialist, but nope! Still waiting.

ImperfectlyMe

Amanda take a deep breath.... You your daughter and your husband are going to be ok!!! Try to go back to sleep. When you get up all you can do is apologize to hubby tell him you are through and you need his support! My husband is not the most supportive person but he does not allow me to give into cravings!!!!!!! It's not an option

Tell him how you are feeling email it if you have to!!! Let this be your bottom! It can only be your bottom if you stop now! We are all here for you today as I'm sure it's going to be a rough day with flash backs. I had way too many if them. Remember this feeling you do not have to wake with it tomorrow. Hang on tight it will get better but you have to want want want it
Hugs

Amy2011

Recovery is a program of action. Make your action to not pick up a drink. At the end of my drinking career I never enjoyed my drinking. Was early recovery hard? Absolutely! For me AA made it easier because I had a support system of people who understood what I was going through. My husband obviously didn't want me to drink, but he was dealing with his own issues of resentment and anger towards me. He was tried of policing my drinking. Drinking is a choice just like recovery. Recovery is hard work and feels strange at first. When I walked through the doors of AA for the first time I knew I was done because I never wanted to feel that shame or embarrassment again.

Many people would say I had a high bottom. I never lost my husband, kids, job, house, or got arrested. I would disagree. I did unspeakable things just so I could drink. I drank in my car which means I had to drive it home. I hid alcohol in my closet and drank it. The list goes on and on.

On Saturday my 11 year old asked me what was in my cup. I said why would you ask that, what would it be? It was 9am and we were in the car. My 14 yr old laughed and said what do you think it is mommy juice like when we were little? What a reminder of what my life had been like. 2 year ago there was a very likely chance it was an alcoholic beverage of some sort at 9am on a Saturday. I had been thinking of alcohol alot lately when that happened. Since I am a teacher summer was my time to drink daily, all day long. I guess that was a reminder of why I don't want to be that mom again. I felt bad for a few minutes for the mother I used to be. Then I got over it and was thankful that isn't me anymore.

ImperfectlyMe

Amy did you read this post she is was also a teacher very eye opening thread!!!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ck-bottom.html

Amy2011

Thanks for sharing. We are all haunted by our drinking past. If we continue to hide from our ghosts we can never heal and move on. Time really does help. It seems like my drinking life was so long ago, but yet just a breath away. I am inspired by the enthusiasm and commitment to change that many of you on this thread have! Keep up the good work!

Black Bird

Thanks for the post Amy. I can really relate.

amandaw

Thanks. Feeling better now but I have the sweats. I know I should go to meetings, but I feel if I give that 100% my kids and husband will suffer, the laundry will never get done, dinner will never be made, etc. thanks to all of you.

Amy2011

Your afraid your kids and husband will suffer if you go to meetings? Sounds like they are already suffering. Why don't you try something different since what you have been doing isn't working. So, your family is better off with you drinking and unhappy as long as the laundry is done? I thought like that once. Boy, was I wrong. Recovery is the best thing I ever did for myself or my family even if it meant the house was a little messier. When I was drinking I thought the house, kids, etc. had to be perfect so I could lie to myself and say I didn't have a problem because look at my perfect house and perfect family. My family is way happier now with some dishes in the sink then with the house clean and Mommy drunk!

Ladybug2

Thanks, Amy, I couldn't agree more. I know you were responding to amandaw, but I needed to hear this as well I guess you are right, it is ok to be selfish with our recovery. I have been sober for 25 days, thanks to SR. As I mentioned yesterday, I did like certain AA meetings I tried last year. I took my daughter, who was 2 at the time, and it was ok. Most people though she was cute and funny when we she ran around and jabbered, but it was very distracting for me. It was hard to really listen and share because I was too worried about my daughter being disruptive to others. Maybe I will try them again. Not sure if it will be better or worse now that she is 3, lol.

Dollyangel17

I hear that Amy. I used to make these "special breakfasts" for my daughter which could be pretty elaborate and cool. Anything from a huge Cat in the hat pancake to a swing set made out of waffles:-) I would post these pictures on FB and bask in the glow of my family and friends gushing how I was such a fabulous mom and how I made them all look bad. If they knew that I had a coffee cup filled with wine or brandy as I made these creations (at 8am), they likely would have changed their tune if they knew that!

I guess I was compensating for my other serious shortcomings.

Ladybug2

Wow, there are some really great posts from overnight/this morning. I feel like I could have written a lot of them! Fortunately, I didn't really have a "rock bottom", but what finally did me in was realizing just how bad I was becoming and how fast it was happening. Started drinking in my closet and hiding bottles everywhere in there. Some mornings I couldn't remember where I hid them and then I would panic that my husband might find them, which he did once. I think one of the worse and final straws was pouring vodka into a water bottle and drinking in my car, while driving!?? What was I thinking? The consequences of my drinking could have been so much worse and I was headed straight down that dangerous path of self destruction. I am just so grateful that everyone is safe (especially my daughter) and I am not in jail. Any day now is better than those days.

Thanks for listening, ladies. I love this thread

Dorris

Crongratulations Dolly on your 30 day chip. I'm so pleased for you

1stthingsfirst

Congrats Dolly!!!

anewpage

So I went to the counselor this morning. She is concerned about the anxiety I have and the panic attacks. We're working on the alcohol issue as well. I have another appointment tuesday. I'm kind of relieved I'm getting some help but at the same time, now it's on my medical record I can never hide it. It's out there now. I know it's confidential and everything, but it's something my regular dr. will always take into account every time she sees me. :p I also don't want to be judged as a bad mother because of my drinking. I hope nobody thinks that.

Dorris... Same here...Bacardi and Coke/ Vodka and Coke are my loves too... sigh.

1stthingsfirst

Newpage,

I detoxed a while ago without the help of a doctor, for which I was grateful that I managed without it being on my permanent record. However, I think if I consulted my doctor I would have had more accountability and not have had as many slip-ups. Don't worry about what people think of you, now. That is the least of your concerns. I found that when I told my friends that I was going abstinent they were supportive and actually started to think critically about their own drinking habits.

Hang in there! You have had an especially rough time. I am glad you are seeking medical help - you deserve and need it! You are doing this because you are a wonderful mom; not because you are a failure as a parent.

Amy2011

Double post

Amy2011

So, anewpage what is your plan moving forward? How are you going to stay sober? A plan is critical to recovery. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Dorris

Anew it is very brave of you to speak with your doctor show your willing to change for the better. I mentioned my concerns to the nurse during a regular smear test but failed to follow it up with the doctor.

Also the chances are living sober equals living healthy so less trips required to see the doctor.

It don't make you a bad mother, be proud your doing something about it and in turn you will be a fantastic mum.

I'm glad to have made it through today, never quite got done what I first set out to do, but I'm still sober so hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Dee74

Time for a new thread guys

Part 2 and upwards of threads always move to the Daily Support forum.... so that where you guys will be from now on - if anyone misses the redirect, pass the word around

your new home is here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

D