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How to be an Alcoholic.

Old 05-17-2013, 10:47 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by EverySngleNight View Post
Hi! TY for posting your story. I can relate to a lot of it (believe it or not :-)). You have been through SO much and you're obviously very strong. You've taken on the world and done things your way- for better or for worse. You have people that love you, which tells me you are a loving person. Why is it so hard for us to extend the same love and care for ourselves, that we so willingly extend to others? In my case, the capacity to care for myself has been broken for a long time. I have to learn to care for myself, if I want to have a healthy happy life. I hope the same for you. Please keep posting! And stay strong!
I know!!! What is it about ourselves that we find so dismissive that we're willing to drink away who we are?

People tell me regularly that I make them feel so comfortable and not judged at all. People like me. They think I'm funny and kind. Meanwhile I have so many days where I find myself a disgusting failure.

It's gotten better with my b/f. He has diligently put up with my crazy and once I said, "I care about myself far more since I've been with you than I did before" to which his response was, "I only pointed out the things that were always there." I barely kept tears back.

I'll keep posting! Best of luck with your recovery as well!
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by anewpage View Post
And it's weird you mention an obsessive/addictive personality too, because now that I think about it, I've had that issue my whole life. When I get into something, I can't just like it casually, I become obsessed, consumed, with it. Whether it's a hobby, a movie, a band or celebrity... I don't do casual. Haha. Wonder what the psychology is behind that.
I don't know why there isn't more curiosity about OCD tendencies in relation to addiction. To me the underlying personality characteristics seem almost the same or at least first cousins.

And so many people seem to have some match-up of addiction, OCD, anxiety, depression, eating disorders and bipolar.

I know that sometimes it's hard to tell which came first - the addiction or the depression - But for me, I know that my substance abuse stemmed from pre-existing mental illness.
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Old 05-17-2013, 11:21 AM
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This was never a social thing for me. It could be - but primarily alcohol has always been a type of medicine to me.

ams0602 - I am 47 and have really ****** up many lives all over the world because of my drinking (usually alone) and lying and sexing and lying and lying..

I stopped lying to myself 8 days ago and stopped drinking the same day.... after going a year or 2 of stopping for a few days, starting for a week, stopping over and over and over and over... going through hell a few days here and there followed by day after day of 2-4 bottles of syrah, chards, champagne, you name it

Day 8 today and I have an awful migraine and am so depressed because my best friend (alcohol) has left me for good....

I've been a drinker since 13............ experimented as early as 9....... gave up for a year in 2003 when I moved to NY and in reality I know I have mental issues that the alcohol MASKED that I have covered up for 35 years...... I was using alcohol to help my sex addiction and was using my intellect/money to manipulate others into doing (what I want them to do for me)....... because I was always smashed or chasing sex... every day for 30+ years.....

Irony is that today I no longer feel like lying, I no longer have a sex addiction (only as of today)... I think the alcohol accentuated all of my other addictions.... I mean my sex drive today is zero, nada, nought.... I couldn't be bothered lying either..... just so tired... all I wanna do is SLEEP

I read all of your story TWICE - you are already THERE with yourself.. you have been honest with us and yourself... now just kill those other things and you will be home..
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Old 05-17-2013, 11:43 AM
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Hamptons, I wish you luck and happiness in beating SA. My husband's SA ramped up my drinking big time. He is 7 months "sober" and is worried about me now. It was really difficult for him the first 3 months. He was depressed and went through the sexual anorexia. Now he is happy and is my inspiration.
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Old 05-17-2013, 12:13 PM
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1stthingsfirst Thanks

ams0602 I haven't written my story here yet but I have done so many awful, truly horrible things over 30 years that have hurt everyone I have ever touched. My only friend is my crippled dog.

Like you I have the total addiction personality;

I played GOLF every day from the time I was 12-22 without missing a day EVER, then haven't played since, sexual addiction since I was 12, chasing skirt or other stuff everyday, gambling on racehorses from 12-25 until I was broke, addicted trader from 25-45 until I pissed off the IRS and Feds etc, addicted to triathlon training for 2 years until I broke some bones, addicted to my border collie, addicted to my partner, addicted to poker from 39-45.... food 30-39 etc etc etc

I am praying that my alcohol addiction will DIE be like my golf addiction did (totally dead). I am starting guitar again after 30 years and every time I want a drink will be riding my new triathlon bike, walking my dog or playing soccer in my back yard. All will be in moderation.
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Old 05-17-2013, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by hamptons View Post
This was never a social thing for me. It could be - but primarily alcohol has always been a type of medicine to me.

ams0602 - I am 47 and have really ****** up many lives all over the world because of my drinking (usually alone) and lying and sexing and lying and lying..

I stopped lying to myself 8 days ago and stopped drinking the same day.... after going a year or 2 of stopping for a few days, starting for a week, stopping over and over and over and over... going through hell a few days here and there followed by day after day of 2-4 bottles of syrah, chards, champagne, you name it

Day 8 today and I have an awful migraine and am so depressed because my best friend (alcohol) has left me for good....

I've been a drinker since 13............ experimented as early as 9....... gave up for a year in 2003 when I moved to NY and in reality I know I have mental issues that the alcohol MASKED that I have covered up for 35 years...... I was using alcohol to help my sex addiction and was using my intellect/money to manipulate others into doing (what I want them to do for me)....... because I was always smashed or chasing sex... every day for 30+ years.....

Irony is that today I no longer feel like lying, I no longer have a sex addiction (only as of today)... I think the alcohol accentuated all of my other addictions.... I mean my sex drive today is zero, nada, nought.... I couldn't be bothered lying either..... just so tired... all I wanna do is SLEEP

I read all of your story TWICE - you are already THERE with yourself.. you have been honest with us and yourself... now just kill those other things and you will be home..
I think many, if not most of us, have had multiple addictions. It's just the underlying brain chemistry I suppose.

I did that stopping over and over again thing too. Hopefully, this time will be the last.

Good luck and thank you
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Old 05-17-2013, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by hamptons View Post
1stthingsfirst Thanks

ams0602 I haven't written my story here yet but I have done so many awful, truly horrible things over 30 years that have hurt everyone I have ever touched. My only friend is my crippled dog.

Like you I have the total addiction personality;

I played GOLF every day from the time I was 12-22 without missing a day EVER, then haven't played since, sexual addiction since I was 12, chasing skirt or other stuff everyday, gambling on racehorses from 12-25 until I was broke, addicted trader from 25-45 until I pissed off the IRS and Feds etc, addicted to triathlon training for 2 years until I broke some bones, addicted to my border collie, addicted to my partner, addicted to poker from 39-45.... food 30-39 etc etc etc

I am praying that my alcohol addiction will DIE be like my golf addiction did (totally dead). I am starting guitar again after 30 years and every time I want a drink will be riding my new triathlon bike, walking my dog or playing soccer in my back yard. All will be in moderation.
We have all done things we regret. I hope the alcohol addiction dies for you too but if it doesn't, just be prepared for a battle. Totally worthwhile battle but it doesn't always make it fun.
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Old 05-17-2013, 08:03 PM
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ams,

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself. You can do this. I'm rooting for you.

I never thought I could go a week w/o drinking and, with the help of this forum, my six month sobriety date is tomorrow.

Please check in here and stay strong. You seem like an amazing and bright woman who could have a wonderful future ahead if you can work through this addiction. Trust me--the journey is difficult but SO worthwhile.

Best to you.
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Old 05-17-2013, 08:43 PM
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Your story has a lot in common with mine. Addictive and neuronontypical parents, the physical effects (puffy face, weight gain, tired, rotten stomach, etc.). I finally had enough when I almost drove away my lovely BF and had stalled in my career. I was sneaking drinks, spending a ton, making my mental health worse. I quit almost one year ago, and I don't regret it at all.

I think for people like us it's important to remember that we are sensitive to the effects of all drugs, whether it's alcohol, caffeine, pot, etc. I try to pay attention to my body and no when I am tipping into bad territory. I don't drink alcohol, but even too much caffeine can trigger cravings for some sort of drug. I am learning how to deal with life on life's terms.

The good news is: it does get better. Eventually, you will able to fall asleep without drinking. You will figure out how to spend your evenings sober. You will learn how to work past the discomfort of hanging out with other people drinking. And it will be a good life, and you will be so proud of your self.

Good luck, and definitely keep posting! Itsa life saver, especially in the first few months. Feel free to message me or anything if you have more questions or worries.
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Old 05-18-2013, 12:20 AM
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Originally Posted by anewpage View Post
And it's weird you mention an obsessive/addictive personality too, because now that I think about it, I've had that issue my whole life. When I get into something, I can't just like it casually, I become obsessed, consumed, with it. Whether it's a hobby, a movie, a band or celebrity... I don't do casual. Haha. Wonder what the psychology is behind that.
I read somewhere that dysfunctional childhoods can leave adults wanting to understand. Wanting to make sense of what happened.
I had issues when I was a kid, I get really into stuff in an obsessive way, I need to 'understand' it fully, to possess it almost, control it.
It is the same mindset that applies to my life generally. Not sure this makes sense!
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Old 05-18-2013, 05:00 AM
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Powerful post my friend. I wish you the best in your quest for sobriety. You are very smart and talented.
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Old 05-18-2013, 06:56 AM
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Your words ring so true for so many. Although the exact details differ for each the story line is so true for many. Just as you, I have fought with one type of addiction or multiple addictions all through out my life. The one place where my story diverges from yours is the use of pharmaceuticals to help calm the beast.

I once saw a therapist and he asked me why alcohol was so alluring to me. My only way to convey the feeling to him was to compare the feeling of drinking to the Pink Floyd song "Comfortably Numb". Alcohol just seemed to always quiet things in my head so that I didn't have to think for just a few hours. Fast forward now 3 years from that therapist visit and I am now 41. I finally admitted to myself and everyone around me that I had problems with dealing with life on daily basis. I am a white male in the south so this holds a sort of taboo but that was the first step on my road to recovery. I spoke with my doctor about my problems and he started me on a daily dosage of Celexa and things have been all up hill from that point.

The use of this drug has calmed all of my stress/rage/anxiety/depression to the point where I finally see how others around me live a normal life. Now that I have calmed these problems I see where I have always had problems my entire life with some sort of chemical imbalance. My answer to the problem was to use alcohol/drugs as a quick fix to calm my demons. The use of Celexa for 6 months has allowed me to slow down my addictions to the point where I am now 7 days sober and really not having issues with any type of cravings.

I know there are so many that say anti-depressants are the incarnation of Soma from "Brave New World" but I truly believe there are those out there that have hormonal issues that drive the need for the drugs. In years gone by, these same people would have either been in a mental institute, committed suicide and just continued on with addiction to the point of dying at an early age. Anti-depressants aren't the answer for all but they have changed my life so drastically I can't imagine how they are so bad.

Good luck to you in your journey and I hope you find the peace you so desperately seek. My intention of this post was not to offend or stir up a debate but I felt it prudent to share what I have discovered was a major issue of my addiction. Only through sharing my experiences do I truly grow and evolve.
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Old 05-18-2013, 09:07 AM
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jefflance Comfortably Numb

Ironic, because I started playing guitar again after 30 years and having NOT been a Floyd fan never got into their music, but now that I am not drinking I play Comfortably Numb as my nos 1 go to song... the lyrics are so poignant for all of us and that haunting Gilmour guitar gets it spot on

This week will be my real test as I will be alone at my house on the island and that is where I usually drink (alone)

Day 9 and feeling MUCH BETTER TODAY
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:03 AM
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Your title really hit home with me: Drink alcohol rinse, and repeat. This is how I became alcoholic. Thank you for sharing. You have a lot to offer this site, and more importantly yourself. Giving up alcohol was the best thing that i have done in my life. You are not alone, and you can definitely change theses behaviors. Stick around. This forum has helped me to save my life.
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Old 05-18-2013, 01:21 PM
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Thanks everyone! In 6 days in with no problems :-) I've made it as long as a month before so I have a lot of confidence in myself. I told my b/f I wanted to quit drinking just because of how out of hand it has the potential to get. Particularly b/c my grandfather/dad is dying of cancer. I don't know how long it's going to take but I don't want alcohol to be a part of my life when it happens. I think we all know what gruesome bedfellows grief and addiction can be.
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