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Could use some advice :'(

Old 05-16-2013, 02:25 PM
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Unhappy Could use some advice :'(

Hello!
I could use some advice and help. I really think that my boyfriend is a high functioning alcoholic. Every time I bring up the fact that he drinks a lot, he either gets angry and or goes, "I know, it's bad, I will stop."
We are on holiday at the moment in his homeland and his drink has just escalated. It is so cheap over here to buy beer, so not only is he buying beer for himself but for his friends. Many times, he's gotten drunk and forgotten the next day the horrible things he has said (calling me a bitch, saying that he would push me under a bus). I spoke to him about it and it has not happened for nearly a year now.
Instead however, I'm beginning to feel neglected in favour of beer. Today, I had a really bad headache and instead of going home, he begged me to drive him to his friends pub (he had had about 3 beers already over the day) for one drink, and we would only be there for 10 minutes. We were there for half an hour (he did only drink one) but I still had a bad headache and was feeling sick at this point. We went home and had some dinner with his mum, and then he invited his friend over for a beer, knowing that I was sick. I got really annoyed with him and told that whenever he is ill, I drop everything to make sure he is alright but he is picking beer over me. I told him to go anyway cos he said 10 minutes again. I stayed in bed, and could hear him outside. Anyway, he was away for an hour , comes back in (at 10pm) and asks if he can go back to the shop for one more beer and he would be back at half 10. It's 10:25pm now, so we will see.
I just feel really neglected. It is not the first time but when I bring it up, he either gets defensive or angry. At home (UK), he maybe has 2 or 3 a day, and more on a Saturday. Now we are in his homeland, he has having at least 6 a day. I could do with advice on how to talk to him about this. He said that his ex before made him feel caged and warned me that I was doing the same. I don't mind him seeing his friends, but it just seems that he has to drink (often a lot) whenever he is with them. I don't like them personally as they told him to dump me in favour of another girl (he told them flat out no), but I wouldn't stop him from seeing them. How can I bring this up without starting a full blown argument?
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Old 05-16-2013, 03:12 PM
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Well... I'm an alcoholic woman and newly sober. I'm also married. So I don't know if my try at advice will be helpful or not- it's NEVER OKAY to be abused verbally, physically, or mentally. NEVER OKAY. Whether he's drunk or not- not okay. NO excuse. Manipulating someone aka lying, so you can placate them and continue poor behavior is not okay. Many alcoholics do, and I've been on both sides in the past. BUT it's not okay. Threatening physical harm- NOT OKAY. Being ditched and not cared for when your ill, whilst the other individual allows you to care for their needs- is selfish and not okay. My opinion, in my native tongue- that man ain't doin' right by you.

I think maybe some space would be good and if he wants you back- rules and boundaries. If he can't tow the line, you're out. It's NOT about controlling him. It's about not allowing yourself to be hurt by someone who's not treating you the way ANY human deserves to be treated.

I have put up with way more than I should've in the past. If that's the best he can treat you- you can do way better. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Be strong!!!
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Old 05-16-2013, 03:26 PM
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Thanks He was appalled at the things he said so he hasn't got that drunk in a long time.
He didn't come home at half 10, his mum and I found him in the park with the friend. He got angry and said that I was flying home on Monday etc, but he calmed down when we got back and now he's sleeping. He says that he understands how I feel but I will talk to him tomorrow.
He just can't through the day without a beer here. He will always say, "Can I have a beer?" But it doesn't really matter if I say yes or no, he will still have one. I kind of feel that I'm over reacting, but it really hurt that he left me when I was sick to go and drink. I always feel second best so I really need to set some boundaries and he needs to cut down or stop!
I honestly feel that his friends are a bad influence. If he has had too much and it is just us, I will tell him and he will say that I'm right. But when he is with his friends, they always say, "Have another one," or "I don't see him that often." These are the same friends telling him to dump me for this other woman. But I feel that is not my place to say, we've been together for nearly 3 years but he grew up with these friends. I will point out though that none of them have a partner. It's so frustrating!
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Old 05-16-2013, 03:35 PM
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Ya know.. even if he doesn't think his drinking is problem enough to stop, it's a problem to YOU, and that is what matters. He's going to drink if he wants to, and really all you can control is whether or not that is ok with you long term. Alcoholism is a progressive thing, and left untreated results in nothing favorable for the alcoholic or anyone who cares about them. Have you posted over on the friends and family forum? Unfortunately there's a lot of folks here that have been or are in your shoes, and might give some great guidance and support. Really, if love and support could get someone sober and on the right path, no one would be on this forum.
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Old 05-16-2013, 03:40 PM
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Here's the link to the forum smacked mentioned.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information


You can't fix him or make him want to fix himself, it has to come from him and right now he isn't wanting to change. Only thing up to you is how much you'll tolerate from your partner.
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Old 05-16-2013, 03:42 PM
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^^^ what she said!! Right on smacked!
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Old 05-17-2013, 10:17 AM
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Thanks for all your advice. I spoke to him today and he was appalled at what he'd done. He said that he knew what he was doing, his friend was egging him on and he knew that he should've come back but he kept going back for one more. He told him how I felt, and that I was feeling second best. He said that he will try and cut down etc but I think that you are right in that he's not ready to stop completely. He said that he will stay away from that friend now also (my bf said that he shouldn't go out because I was sick and the friend said "So what?" Charming!). Thank you for all your advice though. I'm quietly hopefully but a little doubtful still.
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Old 05-17-2013, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Worried0810 View Post
Thanks for all your advice. I spoke to him today and he was appalled at what he'd done. He said that he knew what he was doing, his friend was egging him on and he knew that he should've come back but he kept going back for one more. He told him how I felt, and that I was feeling second best. He said that he will try and cut down etc but I think that you are right in that he's not ready to stop completely. He said that he will stay away from that friend now also (my bf said that he shouldn't go out because I was sick and the friend said "So what?" Charming!). Thank you for all your advice though. I'm quietly hopefully but a little doubtful still.
Your boyfriend is ME.... or rather was ME at 13, 14, 15....... 47.... I would give it out to whoever I was with, male or female when I was drinking and wanted more... it came to a head one night at dinner in Las Vegas when I asked my "holocaust surviving" Missus' Jewish family, "Why do all of you Jews eat like PIGS but yet are so thin"....

When I got a smart ass response I abused my Missus and left the table... I of course was so drunk I did not remember the next day or even to this day.. but my lady told me I had to either get rid of the ALCOHOL ALTOGETHER or her... she would leave me

I had promised her and dozens and dozens of other women, ex wife, one nighters etc etc that I would be NICE from now on, but when I drink... IT AINT GONNA happen..

Sadly - you need to either convince your BF to stop (you can't only he can stop himself) or LEAVE him....

Because he will keep piling the dung on you while he dates who he really loves which is his alcohol... sad but chillingly true for all of us drunks.. and you will always be the punching bag, abuse meter............. just a 2nd class citizen to his booze
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