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Having an awful day

Old 05-15-2013, 12:23 PM
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Having an awful day

Today is awful... Fighting with my husband... All over my stupidity I don't expect to be trusted or forgiven for everything or anything I've done to him in the past. I'm trying to make things better I've done everything so I thought he has asked me to do and hadn't done anything wrong apparently I was very wrong in that and just continue to make his life hell... I've told him I would I would understand if he divorced me .... But he hasn't asked for one not out of anger yet... I'm an awful disgusting human being And I don't feel as though I deserve to live
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:31 PM
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Yikes! Please don't be so down on yourself. You can only tell him that you will do your best to make amends for any mistakes made in the past. You are not a disgusting human being, you are a human being...which means you are not perfect, but nobody is.

I hope your husband sees that you are trying to change the path of your life and has more patience.

Either way...do try not to be so hard on yourself.

Hang in there!
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:34 PM
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Hey, undoing everything we have done wrong during our drinking careers takes time. For some it takes longer than others. Just keep doing the next right thing a little by little your life will get better and you will regain your husbands trust.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:35 PM
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None of us are perfect, but that doesn't mean you don't have value! The best any of us can do is keep trying to improve ourselves. Perhaps you do owe some change to your husband, but even more than that, you owe it to yourself! You deserve great things, even if you can't believe that just yet...don't give up on yourself!
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:51 PM
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Beating yourself up only makes things worse. Give yourself the love you deserve as a human being.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:53 PM
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. The outcome of problems in relationships from drinking/drugs are often not known immediately and take time. Accepting what has happened in the past (not liking it, but accepting it has happened), gives you a starting point of now, and here. You can only control what you do now and being sober is the best thing you can do now. How long have you been sober? Your husband may be worried you are going to go back to alcohol/drugs if it hasn't been very long. Keep doing the next right thing and stay in the now. Don't travel to the past or the future. Because the past can't be changed and the future cannot be predicted.
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Old 05-15-2013, 12:54 PM
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It's been 35 days I'm tired
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Old 05-15-2013, 01:10 PM
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35 days is great! You should be proud of accomplishing that! I think it will still take time for your husband to trust that this is going to continue. It's up to him to also accept what happened in the past and move forward with you.
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:09 PM
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Keep doing the next right thing and stay in the now. Don't travel to the past or the future. Because the past can't be changed and the future cannot be predicted.[QUOTE
][/QUOTE]

OLL's post is spot on, it's all we can do. I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible, but please don't think of yourself in such a sad, negative way. I get it, I've felt such self loathing that I didn't want to wake up in the mornings.
Please try and be good to yourself, you are worth it!
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:10 PM
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Sorry, haven't mastered the partial quote thing yet.
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:13 PM
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I wish I felt worth it... I can remember the last time I felt self worth
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Old 05-15-2013, 02:37 PM
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jstanthrgrl - I agree with the others - thinking about your past behavior will accomplish nothing. It'll just hold you down and keep you from reaching out for the life you deserve.

When I drank I didn't even resemble the real me. I wasn't trustworthy or reliable - I started arguments and hurt people's feelings. I'm nothing like that crazy drunk woman. It takes awhile to get that image out of people's heads. Those who care about us should be patient and have faith - but I think sometimes they're afraid to hope we are going to be different. It seems they're always waiting for bad things to happen again - at least that was my experience. I finally stopped apologizing and held my head high - and went forward with my sober life, knowing I was going to make it this time and never be that pitiful girl I once was. Please believe in yourself and don't let anyone make you feel unworthy of a great life. No one realizes how hard we work to get well - 35 days is amazing. You're doing great, and we believe in you.
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:12 PM
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We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it!

We learn from our mistakes but we don't have to beat ourselves over the head with it either.

You are worth and deserve everyone of those 35 days!
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Old 05-15-2013, 03:25 PM
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Time to leave the pity party! So your husband's angry and he's got the right to be. You're not going to earn much trust back in a month when you've abused his trust for so long in the past. Trust takes a long time to repair and once you break it you'll never fully get it back. Be confident and have a feeling of self worth for the sobriety time you have. You're doing what a lot of people think is impossible. He can be angry but no matter how mad he is it won't take away from what you've accomplished. Your sense of self worth should come from within you, not from the validation from other people. Lift that chin up and remember that your opinion of yourself is what matters, not the outside opinions of others.
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Old 05-18-2013, 10:28 AM
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I know my self worth cones from me but right now I feel worthless. I did see my Dr and therapist meds were added and increased so hopefully this helps me
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Old 05-18-2013, 02:50 PM
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Be kind to yourself hun.give it time.you can only show ur husband how amazing your becoming by allowing yourself to see it too. It will start with you. You can do it ��
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Old 05-18-2013, 03:10 PM
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Medicine is a good tool but there should be other tools in your toolbox. Remember to do small things in your daily life that you can be happy about. Making a nice dinner, getting laundry done, taking a walk...little things, sure, but maybe they were some of the things you didn't do while you were drinking. Celebrate the small victories in life. Think about how you would feel about a best friend going through all this. Would you be proud of her and her sobriety and what she's accomplished and continues to accomplish? Why treat yourself any less than you would a friend? Start to tear down the walls that you've made within yourself. Compliment yourself, even if you don't totally mean it. If you keep acknowledging the good in you, you'll see it more. If you just pick out your negative qualities, you'll see them more. Appreciate yourself. If you don't how can you expect other people to?
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Old 05-18-2013, 03:43 PM
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Self worth came back for me with continued abstinence. A little counselling helped me too, but mainly the continued abstinence - it was amazing how much alcohol coloured my perception of my self and my world - and not for the better.

Hang in there jstanthrgrl

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Old 05-18-2013, 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
It seems they're always waiting for bad things to happen again - at least that was my experience. I finally stopped apologizing and held my head high - and went forward with my sober life, knowing I was going to make it this time and never be that pitiful girl I once was. Please believe in yourself and don't let anyone make you feel unworthy of a great life. No one realizes how hard we work to get well.
I've copied and pasted this in to my "Thought for the Day" little black book

Excellent stuff, Hevyn.
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Old 05-18-2013, 07:04 PM
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I agree with all of the posters about living in the present, as hard as that is. We can't change our past, but we can learn from it. Give your husband time, but most of all you need to forgive yourself.
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